"Improv Workshop Mimeshop Gobshite" by Half Man Half Biscuit.
Do I get a point?
What can he talk about for 15 minutes? Even the aircrew on a transatlantic flight don't speak for more than 10, and that includes a safety briefing, the time and weather and thanking me for selecting them for my travel needs.
Oh, there was the safety briefing, then the security one, then some spiel about how the train had been late but had made up time, then details about connections, then which connections people might want to skip because they might be crowded, then... then... then the red mist descended in front of my eyes and I cursed his parents, I cursed his grandparents, I cursed whichever ape had first decided to use language rather than just whooping and masturbating, I cursed everyone and everything, and then just as I'd finished cursing, the ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNT started making announcements on the FUCKING way into FUCKING York.
Perhaps its National Shite Day......do I get a point?
I'm reminded of the time I was on my way to York when the man who had the trolley with hideously overpriced bits of so called food started to make his his way down the carriage, normally you'd just have to put up with his ceaseless refrain of 'teas, coffees, light refreshments' said in a slightly plaintive way, except this time it was backed up by one of those fucking revolting plastic xmas trees with eyes on that plays a tinny version of 'jingle bell rock' and the worst of it was - it wasn't even December.....though it was past Bonfire Night*. The refrshments man thought this was hilarious and so kept setting it off all along the train. I came very close indeed to throwing him and his fecking xmas tree onto the tracks.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
*unlike a couple a couple near here who put their illuminated Santa up on the thing above their door before fecking Halloween. FFS!!!!!!!
I hate announcements on morning commuter trains: recently they've taken to pre-announcing every stop on approach, then announcing the stop as you stop, then, upon leaving the stop, announcing what the next stop will be, with the possible addition of naming all the remaining stops. Rinse and repeat for every stop when you're trying to snooze...
I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't a commuter train: everyone is going to Victoria & couldn't give a stuff about any other stop!
Yes... it utterly pisses me off. In fact we are really surrounded by pointless and irritating announcements which serve only to inconvenience and irritate. Railways are one of the worst offenders though, you are utterly spot on with this.
Heh... if they confined themselves to 120 characters it wouldn't be quite so bad.
Honestly, though, every time the train stops, announcing every stop, who the train manager is, the catering services, which coach is the quiet coach and so on... really, it's about five minutes of announcements every twenty minutes. How skull-crushingly stupid ARE the people who think this is necessary?
Oh god and any announcement which begins "At this time of heightened security" really winds me right up -- just FUCK RIGHT OFF! I'm going to start bringing bags just to leave places to get exploded.
Time of heightened security my arse. Time of heightened pointless pissing about for no good reason apart from the fact that jumped up little tits like inflicting pointless rules. Time of heightened inconvenience and pettifogging niggles. Time of heightened buggering about taking your shoes off and putting the contents of your pockets into a tray.
If I didn't think it would quickly lead to a dark room and rubber gloves situation I'd carry a metal sign in my pocket saying "this isn't security, it's pantomime".
It was all so different in my (commuting) day. Only the Skipton trains had announcements and they are delivered by the train in a voice that sounds like a Cyberman from Rickmansworth.
Best of all was the guard on the Scarborough trains who sounded like Jonny Morris narrating Tales from the Riverbank and who would repeat the beginning of his sentences in case you missed them. After a while this would lead to Dr Frankenfurter-like antici................pation of the repeat.
He was once required to deliver, "Ladies and gentlemen. At Malton, due to engineering works at the Station, the train will go through Malton and then reverse back into the station................." I distinctly heard several of my fellow commuters whisper "at Malton" a second before he, inevitably, did.
They had barely invented language in your commuting days, and having announcements on the 308s would've drained so much power from them that they would've slowed to a halt ;)
The voice on the 333s sounds like a hospital radio DJ playing Sunday-afternoon Radio 2 bollocks. But at least it's automated and doesn't feel the urge to share a bit of its personality with you.
Comments 22
Do I get a point?
What can he talk about for 15 minutes? Even the aircrew on a transatlantic flight don't speak for more than 10, and that includes a safety briefing, the time and weather and thanking me for selecting them for my travel needs.
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Fucktard.
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I'm reminded of the time I was on my way to York when the man who had the trolley with hideously overpriced bits of so called food started to make his his way down the carriage, normally you'd just have to put up with his ceaseless refrain of 'teas, coffees, light refreshments' said in a slightly plaintive way, except this time it was backed up by one of those fucking revolting plastic xmas trees with eyes on that plays a tinny version of 'jingle bell rock' and the worst of it was - it wasn't even December.....though it was past Bonfire Night*. The refrshments man thought this was hilarious and so kept setting it off all along the train. I came very close indeed to throwing him and his fecking xmas tree onto the tracks.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
*unlike a couple a couple near here who put their illuminated Santa up on the thing above their door before fecking Halloween. FFS!!!!!!!
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Christmas decorations before Christmas Eve and after Boxing Day reek of the chav.
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I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't a commuter train: everyone is going to Victoria & couldn't give a stuff about any other stop!
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Honestly, though, every time the train stops, announcing every stop, who the train manager is, the catering services, which coach is the quiet coach and so on... really, it's about five minutes of announcements every twenty minutes. How skull-crushingly stupid ARE the people who think this is necessary?
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Time of heightened security my arse. Time of heightened pointless pissing about for no good reason apart from the fact that jumped up little tits like inflicting pointless rules. Time of heightened inconvenience and pettifogging niggles. Time of heightened buggering about taking your shoes off and putting the contents of your pockets into a tray.
If I didn't think it would quickly lead to a dark room and rubber gloves situation I'd carry a metal sign in my pocket saying "this isn't security, it's pantomime".
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Best of all was the guard on the Scarborough trains who sounded like Jonny Morris narrating Tales from the Riverbank and who would repeat the beginning of his sentences in case you missed them. After a while this would lead to Dr Frankenfurter-like antici................pation of the repeat.
He was once required to deliver, "Ladies and gentlemen. At Malton, due to engineering works at the Station, the train will go through Malton and then reverse back into the station................." I distinctly heard several of my fellow commuters whisper "at Malton" a second before he, inevitably, did.
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The voice on the 333s sounds like a hospital radio DJ playing Sunday-afternoon Radio 2 bollocks. But at least it's automated and doesn't feel the urge to share a bit of its personality with you.
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