Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for...
Damn, these are hard.
And yet, the answer to today's entry is easy. It is something that will probably eat at me for the rest of my life but I think that it's time to forgive myself for it.
In the Summer of 2009 I made a LOT of bad decisions. They were stupid and selfish and immature. I was angry at the world for my situation and I tried to fix it... trying to do that almost cost me my soon-to-be marriage.
Caught in the middle of all of this was a very good friend of mine. This person meant the world to me. I could tell him anything, laugh with him and always know that I had a friend. But because of everything going on in my life at the time it became abundantly clear that we were careening towards a very dangerous situation. And in the end what he wanted and what I wanted were two very different things. Luckily for me I managed to fix things with my fiance. I ended that summer on good terms with my friend and we all parted ways.
But then the school year started. And things weren't so friendly anymore. I wanted to blame him for the longest time. I wanted to believe he was angry and trying to get back at me. But looking back at it now I realize it wasn't him. It was never him. It was me.
I think now that I was angry about the summer. The choices that I made. I wanted to blame someone for what happened and he was the easy target. I was so ready to place the blame on him for what happened, not wanting to take any of that onto myself. I made myself believe that he tried to force me to make decisions that I didn't want to make and that he took advantage of my vulnerable situation.
But I did those things to myself. And while, yes, I'm not totally to blame I can think of a lot of the fights that we got into last year and I can pinpoint the exaggeration and the blame and say, "No, you really didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to be mad at someone."
We're not friends anymore. He's moved on and has a girlfriend that he is completely in love with. And I truly am happy for him. But I'll never again in my life talk to him, never see him, never catch up with him. And all of that is my fault. I wish he could read this and know that I am sorry for everything. I'm working on forgiving myself for being stupid and rash and losing someone who meant the world to me. He was a very good friend and while I know I never cross his mind, he crosses mine all the time.
But I will someday forgive myself for what I did to our friendship. And I hope someday, even if only subconsciously, he'll forgive me too.
And yet, the answer to today's entry is easy. It is something that will probably eat at me for the rest of my life but I think that it's time to forgive myself for it.
In the Summer of 2009 I made a LOT of bad decisions. They were stupid and selfish and immature. I was angry at the world for my situation and I tried to fix it... trying to do that almost cost me my soon-to-be marriage.
Caught in the middle of all of this was a very good friend of mine. This person meant the world to me. I could tell him anything, laugh with him and always know that I had a friend. But because of everything going on in my life at the time it became abundantly clear that we were careening towards a very dangerous situation. And in the end what he wanted and what I wanted were two very different things. Luckily for me I managed to fix things with my fiance. I ended that summer on good terms with my friend and we all parted ways.
But then the school year started. And things weren't so friendly anymore. I wanted to blame him for the longest time. I wanted to believe he was angry and trying to get back at me. But looking back at it now I realize it wasn't him. It was never him. It was me.
I think now that I was angry about the summer. The choices that I made. I wanted to blame someone for what happened and he was the easy target. I was so ready to place the blame on him for what happened, not wanting to take any of that onto myself. I made myself believe that he tried to force me to make decisions that I didn't want to make and that he took advantage of my vulnerable situation.
But I did those things to myself. And while, yes, I'm not totally to blame I can think of a lot of the fights that we got into last year and I can pinpoint the exaggeration and the blame and say, "No, you really didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to be mad at someone."
We're not friends anymore. He's moved on and has a girlfriend that he is completely in love with. And I truly am happy for him. But I'll never again in my life talk to him, never see him, never catch up with him. And all of that is my fault. I wish he could read this and know that I am sorry for everything. I'm working on forgiving myself for being stupid and rash and losing someone who meant the world to me. He was a very good friend and while I know I never cross his mind, he crosses mine all the time.
But I will someday forgive myself for what I did to our friendship. And I hope someday, even if only subconsciously, he'll forgive me too.