being okay
for those of you who don't follow me on twitter: I am currently undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety.
this whole process, these six long months, has made me really reevaluate some things.
like questions people ask me.
questions like "how are you?" or "are you okay?"
because what the hell does 'okay' mean?
I am okay because I am breathing.
I woke up this morning and eventually got out of bed. Some days that is enough to be okay.
Eating two full meals a day is good. Three is awesome. One plus snacks? That's okay.
I haven't hurt myself, like so many of my friends do or have. When I cross the bridge every day on my way to class, I only vaguely wonder what it would be like to throw myself over the edge. So yeah, I'm okay.
My default answer to "how are you?" used to be fine. Or good. Now it's just okay. And people sometimes look at me funny, or ask, "just okay"? Yeah, just okay. I'll smile and respond that I'm stressed, or had a rough day, or I'm a little overwhelmed, or I didn't sleep well, or I'm just kind of living one day at a tine right now but I'll be fine, or I'll say yeah, just okay. And they say "okay". Or they'll say "I hope you feel better", to which I respond "me too".
I don't know how often I've told people that I'll be "fine" and then gone on as just okay.
And yes, I do have good days, though they're rather few and far between right now. The last time I realized I'd had a good enough day to feel legitimately happy, I cried from the joy and then stayed awake for several hours (several hours after the realization, which was at 3:30am) because I knew the next day would only be okay again and I didn't want to give the happiness up right away.
I didn't outright fail any classes this year, so I'm okay. I haven't had my heart broken or broken any new hearts lately, so I'm okay.
Even when I question whether or not the pills are actually doing anything, I still take them, so I'm okay.
Most nights I manage to get to sleep without crying, so I'm okay.
I'm alive. So I'm okay.