That way I wouldnt have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. (Apathy cont.)
Mad posted something interesting in my previous post about apathy. The post was called, "I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes." Its the first half of the quote that this post's subject finishes.
She said two things. The first was a co-worker saying he wanted to be apathetic about everything, but admitted it was an impossible goal. The Second was a friend of Mad's (who I have stopped being friends with due to her apathetic nature).
We'll go in order with Rob the co-worker first. Of course there is no way to be apathetic about everything in life. Humans are not programmed to allow this because if we could be apathetic about everything we would just sit down and die like the people on Miranda in Serenity. But being apathetic saves you from worrying about a lot of things. Even being partially apathetic can help.
Ironically, the song A is for Apathy randomly started playing on iTunes just now.
The first time Mad broke up with me, I still had all my emotions tied up in the relationship. I couldn’t be the least bit apathetic about it. I was all worked up and that made me irritable and I didn’t even enjoy the company of my good friend Adam when he came back from the army.
The second time Mad broke up with me though, I didn’t have enough emotions left in me to entirely care, (or entirely believe in the relationship? I honestly don't know why, but I was partially apathetic.) The point is, I cared less about it (though through no choice of my own) and while I still hurt, The hurt isn’t as bad.
What I'm getting at is, perhaps its better to not put al of your emotions into a relationship? Some jerk left me an anonymous comment to this extent on my old blog (and they were pretty rude about it too) and suggested that I not devote all of my emotions to one person. At the time I disagreed entirely. I thought, "what’s the point of loving someone if you don't put all of your being into loving them?" Was I wrong? I hate to question something like that. That kind of stupid romantic ideal is something that I never questioned before, but maybe I'm just growing up. But at the same time, maybe I want to grow up as a romantic thinker.
I'm using the term romantic as in the philosophical/Byronic sense. Not to say that I think I am a romantic (lovey-dovey) person, though it has been said about me.
Anyway. I don't like questioning that kind of core tenet to my view on life, but at the same time, this apathy thing hurts a lot less. Granted it still hurts.
A Byronic hero would choose to hurt more if it meant experiencing a truer love, right?
I need to read more Byron. He knew everything.
The second thing! Mad's friend Alix, who seemed not to care about Mad during Fanime. Does this mean that she doesn’t care, or does she care, but chooses not to show it?
I suppose the idea is to actually not care. But how does that help anyone? Other than yourself, but even then, who wants to hang around someone who doesn’t care?
All in all, I guess I should keep caring about stuff. But what I still don't know is to what extent I should care about things. Even scarier is I don't know how much to care about me and mad. I don't know if I even should care. It's not that I don't care, because I do, and I still love her quite a bit, but I feel that we just can't be together. I mean, I know that now, so feel like not caring is the next step in moving on. But whether that’s right or wrong, part of me wants to care a great deal, but I don't know if that’s even what should be going on.
She said two things. The first was a co-worker saying he wanted to be apathetic about everything, but admitted it was an impossible goal. The Second was a friend of Mad's (who I have stopped being friends with due to her apathetic nature).
We'll go in order with Rob the co-worker first. Of course there is no way to be apathetic about everything in life. Humans are not programmed to allow this because if we could be apathetic about everything we would just sit down and die like the people on Miranda in Serenity. But being apathetic saves you from worrying about a lot of things. Even being partially apathetic can help.
Ironically, the song A is for Apathy randomly started playing on iTunes just now.
The first time Mad broke up with me, I still had all my emotions tied up in the relationship. I couldn’t be the least bit apathetic about it. I was all worked up and that made me irritable and I didn’t even enjoy the company of my good friend Adam when he came back from the army.
The second time Mad broke up with me though, I didn’t have enough emotions left in me to entirely care, (or entirely believe in the relationship? I honestly don't know why, but I was partially apathetic.) The point is, I cared less about it (though through no choice of my own) and while I still hurt, The hurt isn’t as bad.
What I'm getting at is, perhaps its better to not put al of your emotions into a relationship? Some jerk left me an anonymous comment to this extent on my old blog (and they were pretty rude about it too) and suggested that I not devote all of my emotions to one person. At the time I disagreed entirely. I thought, "what’s the point of loving someone if you don't put all of your being into loving them?" Was I wrong? I hate to question something like that. That kind of stupid romantic ideal is something that I never questioned before, but maybe I'm just growing up. But at the same time, maybe I want to grow up as a romantic thinker.
I'm using the term romantic as in the philosophical/Byronic sense. Not to say that I think I am a romantic (lovey-dovey) person, though it has been said about me.
Anyway. I don't like questioning that kind of core tenet to my view on life, but at the same time, this apathy thing hurts a lot less. Granted it still hurts.
A Byronic hero would choose to hurt more if it meant experiencing a truer love, right?
I need to read more Byron. He knew everything.
The second thing! Mad's friend Alix, who seemed not to care about Mad during Fanime. Does this mean that she doesn’t care, or does she care, but chooses not to show it?
I suppose the idea is to actually not care. But how does that help anyone? Other than yourself, but even then, who wants to hang around someone who doesn’t care?
All in all, I guess I should keep caring about stuff. But what I still don't know is to what extent I should care about things. Even scarier is I don't know how much to care about me and mad. I don't know if I even should care. It's not that I don't care, because I do, and I still love her quite a bit, but I feel that we just can't be together. I mean, I know that now, so feel like not caring is the next step in moving on. But whether that’s right or wrong, part of me wants to care a great deal, but I don't know if that’s even what should be going on.