Retold and Renewed
So, uh... when I threatened Peachi about returning to the Neopian Times, I... sort of meant it. I'm going to rewrite my old stories, one by one, to get back into the swing of writing. I'm returning to my very first (accepted) story, Shock Tactics. Let me show you how I've done:
So far I've only done the part where Bluey gets the electric paintbrush at the beginning. Well, that and a tiny prologue but it's like one paragraph long so I'm not bothering with it here. This is what it WAS:
---
Neopia Central...
Blue Dragon walked down the road, studying a document clenched in his claw. The document was a list of shops given to Blue by the Shop Wizard. He was looking for an electric paint brush for his yellow Kyrii, Azure.
“Finally, Azure will be able to live up to her name by being painted electric!” Blue proclaimed. He was silenced by a loud clap of thunder. “Huh? There isn’t a cloud in the sky!” Blue was so absorbed in watching the sky that he ran into a wall. “Ow!” He rubbed his snout and backed away from the wall. He looked up and saw that the shop he ran into was the first shop on his list, the Paint Center. “Looks like this is the place...”
Blue opened the door of the Paint Center and walked into the shop. It was a very colorful place, as it contained paintbrushes of every kind. Blue admired the Silver Paintbrushes, grimaced at the Baby Paintbrushes, got hungry at the sight of the Strawberry Paintbrushes, and smiled at the Checkered Paintbrushes. When he finally found the Electric Paintbrush, he looked at it for a while until the shopkeeper appeared behind him.
“Hello, young dragon, what might you want today?” The shopkeeper asked in a hoarse voice.
Blue was startled by the shopkeeper’s greeting. He whirled around quickly to face the shopkeeper, an old Tuskaninny. “Well, I guess I’d like this Electric Paintbrush.”
“Ah...it is a fine choice. The cost of this item is 30,000 NP,” the shopkeeper replied.
“Great! I’ll take it.”
“But I must warn you, this paintbrush is cursed.”
“Oh, that’s bad.”
“But it comes with a free Ice Cream!”
“Hey, that’s good!”
“The Ice Cream is also cursed.”
“Can I go now?” Blue inquired.
---
And this is what it is NOW:
---
There was an old, dreary shop on the outskirts of Neopia Central, far enough from the commercial districts to be hidden away but not too far to be outside the city walls. The shop specialized in magical trinkets, charms, and curiosities that the average Neopian most likely had little use for. The proprietor, a grizzled Eyrie, was arranging potion vials on a shelf when the door opened. A customer.
The newcomer was a sapphire-blue human-shaped dragon wearing a green T-shirt and blue shorts. This creature was what Neopian society called an "owner". The closest parallel other worlds have to an owner would be a parent, or a guardian, or an older sibling. Responsibility was the cornerstone of ownership, and the Eyrie smiled impishly to himself as he looked the dragon over. This owner seemed to be buckling under the weight of his responsibility.
"Yes, young dragon? What may I do for you?" the shopkeeper asked.
The dragon gasped lightly as he turned to face the Eyrie. "O-Oh. I was kind of... looking for something."
The Eyrie's grin widened. "I assure you, you will find it here. My name is Percival, and this is Percival's Peculiar Emporium... I specialize in things no one else has."
"That's sort of why I'm here. My name's... Bluey. I've been looking for a kind of paintbrush."
"Ah! Paintbrushes. I have many here, yes. What color are you wanting? Silver? Gold? Strawberry? Checkered? I have Baby, too, if you're into that sort of thing. But I'm afraid none of them would work on something like you."
Bluey blushed. "Nono! I-It's for my pet Kyrii." As he tried to get up the courage to ask the shopkeeper what he wanted, he began to idly tug at the black wristbands on his arms. The shopkeeper noticed this and looked down, observing a black symbol on the back of Bluey's right paw, in the shape of a lightning bolt.
"Let me guess," Percival smiled darkly, "You want an Electric Paintbrush, yes?"
Bluey's eyes widened and he nodded. "Yeah! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Just a hunch," the shopkeeper replied with a chuckle as he stepped into the back to retrieve the brush. When he returned, he had in his paws a finely-crafted wooden case, which he opened to reveal an Electric Paintbrush, in all the splendor and beauty that Bluey had imagined.
"It's... wow." Bluey grinned. "Azure's gonna be so happy."
"Now let us talk price," Percival closed the case tight. "Normally this item would cost you thirty thousand Neopoints..."
Bluey had visited enough shops to know that now came the haggling stage. "Well, maybe you could give it to me for twenty-nine thou-"
Percival held up a paw to stop Bluey mid-sentence. "Let me finish. I'm going to make you an offer... see, this model of paintbrush here, it is... considerably past vintage, so to speak. It's discontinued, unsupported... it is only useful to me as a collector's contrivance, and I am not a collector - I am a seller."
Bluey reached up to scratch behind his ear-fins, confused. "So... the Electric Paintbrush is... discontinued? So I can't paint anyone with it?"
"Oh, no, no, on the contrary. You can use it. In fact, I would suggest it. No one would buy this. I have been trying to sell it for years and no one has come near it. Listen to me - if you promise to use this as soon as you can, then... I will give it to you completely free of charge."
Bluey's eyes twinkled. "A-Are you serious!? Y-You're not pulling my tail? A free Electric Paintbrush, really? Wow!" He nodded quickly, grinning. "Of course I promise! I'll use it right away!"
Percival smiled and handed the paintbrush, case and all, to Bluey. "It is a pleasure doing business with you."
The dragon nodded. "Mm-hmm, same to you! Thank you so much!" He turned around and walked out of the shop with his acquisition, humming happily to himself.
The shopkeeper returned to his potion shelf, smiling a dark smile. "No, thank you, for lifting my curse, thunder dragon..."
---
AND NOW LET US DISCUSS obviously, I've kept the whole "haha joke's on Bluey the paintbrush is evil" angle, but I've made it less overt. In the first iteration Bluey bought the paintbrush out of either total disbelief or complete retarded determination. The shopkeeper outright told Bluey that the paintbrush was bad news, yet he bought the damn thing anyway (and I assume he never did get his ice cream). The only reason this exchange even exists is for one sole reason - it was on the Simpsons and for some reason I thought it'd work here.
Second, both characters here seem much more developed than in the first iteration. Percival (the shopkeeper gets a name this time, and also changes to a much cooler species) actually seems to have desires and motives of his own, whereas in the first iteration he was just a random loser shopkeeper who wasn't even really any good at his job. The shop itself is more developed, going from a paintbrush-only specialized store to a slightly darker, drearier curiosity shop much like Charrila's place.
Bluey has changed a lot over the years, and it is no more evident than right here. In the first iteration, he, like all other characters, were nothing more than simple white/black vehicles for either antagonism, humor, or both. In the first iteration he does nothing but set up the plot, slam his face against a wall (again, out of retarded determination), and have a comedic exchange with another character. In the new one he exhibits more complex emotions, and is generally more animated. It isn't just him and the shopkeeper talking, statically - you can see Bluey fidgeting, messing with his wristbands (which are new as well), while the shopkeeper smirks, headtilts, and gleams. I think of conversations in Ace Attorney terms - generally, the more interesting/more developed characters will have more animations or their animations will be more detailed. If Bluey seems like he's just standing there talking, it's not a good conversation - but if it seems like he's fidgeting, bouncing, or otherwise moving around and changing expression while he's talking, it's a much better conversation.
Other changes are minor aesthetic ones, like the fact I actually write out "30,000 NP" as "thirty thousand Neopoints" which is what you are SUPPOSED to do in writing. You'll also notice I did NOT change Bluey from a Forcastian dragon, and haven't actually tried to hide or cover the fact much at all.
What does everyone think of this improvement? And this miniature essay I wrote ugh I must be practicing for class.
holy crap this keyboard is loud
So far I've only done the part where Bluey gets the electric paintbrush at the beginning. Well, that and a tiny prologue but it's like one paragraph long so I'm not bothering with it here. This is what it WAS:
---
Neopia Central...
Blue Dragon walked down the road, studying a document clenched in his claw. The document was a list of shops given to Blue by the Shop Wizard. He was looking for an electric paint brush for his yellow Kyrii, Azure.
“Finally, Azure will be able to live up to her name by being painted electric!” Blue proclaimed. He was silenced by a loud clap of thunder. “Huh? There isn’t a cloud in the sky!” Blue was so absorbed in watching the sky that he ran into a wall. “Ow!” He rubbed his snout and backed away from the wall. He looked up and saw that the shop he ran into was the first shop on his list, the Paint Center. “Looks like this is the place...”
Blue opened the door of the Paint Center and walked into the shop. It was a very colorful place, as it contained paintbrushes of every kind. Blue admired the Silver Paintbrushes, grimaced at the Baby Paintbrushes, got hungry at the sight of the Strawberry Paintbrushes, and smiled at the Checkered Paintbrushes. When he finally found the Electric Paintbrush, he looked at it for a while until the shopkeeper appeared behind him.
“Hello, young dragon, what might you want today?” The shopkeeper asked in a hoarse voice.
Blue was startled by the shopkeeper’s greeting. He whirled around quickly to face the shopkeeper, an old Tuskaninny. “Well, I guess I’d like this Electric Paintbrush.”
“Ah...it is a fine choice. The cost of this item is 30,000 NP,” the shopkeeper replied.
“Great! I’ll take it.”
“But I must warn you, this paintbrush is cursed.”
“Oh, that’s bad.”
“But it comes with a free Ice Cream!”
“Hey, that’s good!”
“The Ice Cream is also cursed.”
“Can I go now?” Blue inquired.
---
And this is what it is NOW:
---
There was an old, dreary shop on the outskirts of Neopia Central, far enough from the commercial districts to be hidden away but not too far to be outside the city walls. The shop specialized in magical trinkets, charms, and curiosities that the average Neopian most likely had little use for. The proprietor, a grizzled Eyrie, was arranging potion vials on a shelf when the door opened. A customer.
The newcomer was a sapphire-blue human-shaped dragon wearing a green T-shirt and blue shorts. This creature was what Neopian society called an "owner". The closest parallel other worlds have to an owner would be a parent, or a guardian, or an older sibling. Responsibility was the cornerstone of ownership, and the Eyrie smiled impishly to himself as he looked the dragon over. This owner seemed to be buckling under the weight of his responsibility.
"Yes, young dragon? What may I do for you?" the shopkeeper asked.
The dragon gasped lightly as he turned to face the Eyrie. "O-Oh. I was kind of... looking for something."
The Eyrie's grin widened. "I assure you, you will find it here. My name is Percival, and this is Percival's Peculiar Emporium... I specialize in things no one else has."
"That's sort of why I'm here. My name's... Bluey. I've been looking for a kind of paintbrush."
"Ah! Paintbrushes. I have many here, yes. What color are you wanting? Silver? Gold? Strawberry? Checkered? I have Baby, too, if you're into that sort of thing. But I'm afraid none of them would work on something like you."
Bluey blushed. "Nono! I-It's for my pet Kyrii." As he tried to get up the courage to ask the shopkeeper what he wanted, he began to idly tug at the black wristbands on his arms. The shopkeeper noticed this and looked down, observing a black symbol on the back of Bluey's right paw, in the shape of a lightning bolt.
"Let me guess," Percival smiled darkly, "You want an Electric Paintbrush, yes?"
Bluey's eyes widened and he nodded. "Yeah! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Just a hunch," the shopkeeper replied with a chuckle as he stepped into the back to retrieve the brush. When he returned, he had in his paws a finely-crafted wooden case, which he opened to reveal an Electric Paintbrush, in all the splendor and beauty that Bluey had imagined.
"It's... wow." Bluey grinned. "Azure's gonna be so happy."
"Now let us talk price," Percival closed the case tight. "Normally this item would cost you thirty thousand Neopoints..."
Bluey had visited enough shops to know that now came the haggling stage. "Well, maybe you could give it to me for twenty-nine thou-"
Percival held up a paw to stop Bluey mid-sentence. "Let me finish. I'm going to make you an offer... see, this model of paintbrush here, it is... considerably past vintage, so to speak. It's discontinued, unsupported... it is only useful to me as a collector's contrivance, and I am not a collector - I am a seller."
Bluey reached up to scratch behind his ear-fins, confused. "So... the Electric Paintbrush is... discontinued? So I can't paint anyone with it?"
"Oh, no, no, on the contrary. You can use it. In fact, I would suggest it. No one would buy this. I have been trying to sell it for years and no one has come near it. Listen to me - if you promise to use this as soon as you can, then... I will give it to you completely free of charge."
Bluey's eyes twinkled. "A-Are you serious!? Y-You're not pulling my tail? A free Electric Paintbrush, really? Wow!" He nodded quickly, grinning. "Of course I promise! I'll use it right away!"
Percival smiled and handed the paintbrush, case and all, to Bluey. "It is a pleasure doing business with you."
The dragon nodded. "Mm-hmm, same to you! Thank you so much!" He turned around and walked out of the shop with his acquisition, humming happily to himself.
The shopkeeper returned to his potion shelf, smiling a dark smile. "No, thank you, for lifting my curse, thunder dragon..."
---
AND NOW LET US DISCUSS obviously, I've kept the whole "haha joke's on Bluey the paintbrush is evil" angle, but I've made it less overt. In the first iteration Bluey bought the paintbrush out of either total disbelief or complete retarded determination. The shopkeeper outright told Bluey that the paintbrush was bad news, yet he bought the damn thing anyway (and I assume he never did get his ice cream). The only reason this exchange even exists is for one sole reason - it was on the Simpsons and for some reason I thought it'd work here.
Second, both characters here seem much more developed than in the first iteration. Percival (the shopkeeper gets a name this time, and also changes to a much cooler species) actually seems to have desires and motives of his own, whereas in the first iteration he was just a random loser shopkeeper who wasn't even really any good at his job. The shop itself is more developed, going from a paintbrush-only specialized store to a slightly darker, drearier curiosity shop much like Charrila's place.
Bluey has changed a lot over the years, and it is no more evident than right here. In the first iteration, he, like all other characters, were nothing more than simple white/black vehicles for either antagonism, humor, or both. In the first iteration he does nothing but set up the plot, slam his face against a wall (again, out of retarded determination), and have a comedic exchange with another character. In the new one he exhibits more complex emotions, and is generally more animated. It isn't just him and the shopkeeper talking, statically - you can see Bluey fidgeting, messing with his wristbands (which are new as well), while the shopkeeper smirks, headtilts, and gleams. I think of conversations in Ace Attorney terms - generally, the more interesting/more developed characters will have more animations or their animations will be more detailed. If Bluey seems like he's just standing there talking, it's not a good conversation - but if it seems like he's fidgeting, bouncing, or otherwise moving around and changing expression while he's talking, it's a much better conversation.
Other changes are minor aesthetic ones, like the fact I actually write out "30,000 NP" as "thirty thousand Neopoints" which is what you are SUPPOSED to do in writing. You'll also notice I did NOT change Bluey from a Forcastian dragon, and haven't actually tried to hide or cover the fact much at all.
What does everyone think of this improvement? And this miniature essay I wrote ugh I must be practicing for class.
holy crap this keyboard is loud