Fic: Australia Beckoned Songs About Eucalyptus Written By Koalas (Bandom: Panic! FOB, TAI)
Title: Australia Beckoned Songs About Eucalyptus Written By Koalas
Fandom/Characters/Pairings:Bandom. Panic!, with FOB and TAI. Can be read as Gen, or as pre-slash for Brendon/Spencer or Panic! GSF and Pete/Patrick.
Rating: PG-13 for language I guess?
Disclaimer: If you think this really happened, then Bill’s not the only one who needs therapy :D Completely untrue in so many ways.
Summary: Brendon turns into a koala while on tour in Australia. Really. There’s not much else I can say after that.
A/N: Firstly- wonderful betaing of this fic was done by vampyreranger and rain_dances. Title was suggested by heartbroken_red and tweaked by rain_dances who, along with loveyouallwrong deserve thanks for the handholding and squeeing while this was being written. I’d also like to thank the Academy…oh, wait, sorry, wrong occasion. For the record, I’m not saying Aboriginies have magic that could turn someone into an animal. And I’m also not saying they don’t. Just don't disrespect their culture and we'll all be fine...
So. This needs an explanation. At some point, I decided the only logical explanation that there were those adorable pics of Ryan, Spencer, Jon, Patrick and Mike with a koala, and none with Brendon, was that BRENDON WAS THE KOALA. glamorous_nymph agreed, and so this fic is for her.
“Ha ha,” Spencer said.
Ryan stared at him. “No,” he said, eyes wide. “I’m serious.”
Spencer tried to share a look with Jon, the look they shared whenever Ryan or Brendon were just being complete dicks. Except Jon wasn’t giving him the look back.
“Uh…he’s serious,” Jon echoed, looking freaked out.
Which was right about when Spencer started feeling freaked out too.
“If I find out you guys are fucking with me…” Spencer said, narrowing his eyes and glaring (an idle threat, since neither Ryan or Jon were scared of him and if Brendon was now a …well, then who would Spencer get to intimidate with his ‘I will cut you, bitch’ face?).
Ryan shook his head and bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth like he did when things were really fucked up. Spencer’s stomach flip flopped. He swallowed hard, belief overwhelming the anger he was storing up in case this really was a bad, bad joke.
“Brendon is a koala,” Spencer said, echoing Ryan’s greeting to him.
The room buzzed with silence.
Spencer stared at Ryan.
Ryan stared back.
Spencer stared at Jon.
Jon stared back.
Neither of them blinked, although Ryan’s eye did that weird twitch that Spencer hadn’t seen since the whole fiasco with Brent.
Fuck.
“Yes,” said Ryan, eventually.
Spencer’s shoulders slumped. He knew his mouth was hanging open, knew his mom would make some comment about him catching flies if she were there, but she wasn’t. And for the first time since he’d started thinking of himself as a real live grown up in his head, Spencer sort of wished she was.
“Brendon,” Spencer repeated, rolling the name on his tongue. “Our Brendon. Brendon Urie. Our singer. Our friend. Our…whatever. Is now a koala.”
“Yes,” said Ryan. His eye twitched again, and his hand flew up to his face, rubbing at it.
“Don’t,” Spencer said automatically. “You’ll make it worse. Also, I don’t believe you.” This was partially a lie.
“Show me,” he added, making it a dare, waiting for Brendon to jump out shouting ‘boo!’ or for Jon to hand him a stuffed toy and spend a good half hour trying to convince him it was Brendon.
Ryan swallowed audibly. He nodded and glanced at Jon, who took his hands out of his pockets and led the way, head bent, looking at the carpet.
Spencer followed Jon out of his and Ryan’s hotel room and into the one Jon was sharing with Brendon next door. He could feel Ryan crowding close behind him, hot breath on his neck. Then Ryan’s hand brushed his arm, squeezed his bicep a little, as Jon pointed at the bed.
Where a koala was sitting. It looked up when Spencer moved towards it, big eyes watching him.
“If you guys robbed some zoo, there’s going to be a lot of pissed off people after you,” Spencer said, staring at it. “And I am not bailing you out this time.”
“It’s Brendon,” Ryan insisted, shooting Spencer a wounded look, as if to reproach him for not believing the outlandishness of the situation.
But the koala’s head turned to look at Ryan, who was now twisting the hem of his t-shirt nervously between his fingers. Jon had retreated to lean against the wall furthest from the bed, hip cocked, arms folded, freaked out expression still on his face. Whenever Jon Walker was unsettled, Spencer knew things were not okay.
“That’s Brendon,” Spencer tried, seeing how it sounded. The koala’s tiny paws flailed a little and it crawled towards him, waving its arms again as if it wanted to be picked up. Which was admittedly something Brendon did fairly often.
Spencer was moving towards the bed before he even realised what he was doing. He paused abruptly as it crawled closer to him.
“Think it bites?” he asked the room at large, and when he got no answer he sat on the edge of the bed and shrugged. “Right,” he said, giving a big fake laugh. “It’s Brendon. Of course he bites.”
The koala had crawled into his lap the moment he’d taken a seat. Which was again very Brendon like but still... koala. Spencer hadn’t been the best student in the school when it came to science, but he was ninety-nine percent sure it wasn’t possible for a tall, hyperactive, skinny dude to suddenly become a tiny, cuddly, surprisingly heavy, slow moving creature. It defied the laws of the universe or something.
It was kind of cute though, looking up at him with big bright eyes.
Spencer sighed and picked it up and it attached itself to his chest, gripping tightly as if it never wanted to let go.
Ryan and Jon stared at him. Neither said a word.
“So,” Spencer said calmly, as if this sort of thing was an everyday occurrence.
They both stared at him a bit longer.
“Explain,” he prompted.
Ryan and Jon exchanged a look, although Ryan’s was more of his usual pissy glare, and then Jon pushed himself away from the wall and moved to sit gingerly beside Spencer. He reached out a hand and petted the koala gently, and it blinked back at him sleepily.
“We went to a…what do you call it?” he turned to Ryan, who shrugged and frowned back at him.
“Anyways, it was all about Aboriginal art and history and stuff and whatever. And there was this one mural that was…well, if you squinted and looked at it in a certain way, it looked…rude,” he finished lamely.
“Yeah, if you’re a twelve year old boy,” Ryan cut in, glaring at Jon, who ducked his head. Spencer could see his grin behind the curtain of his fringe. Jon’s shoulder’s started to shake.
“Oh shut up,” Ryan snapped. “If that,” he pointed at the koala, “happens to you now, don’t expect me to take care of you. I’ll leave you out in the bush for some dingo to eat.”
Jon stopped laughing. “Right,” he said, sounding slightly guilty. “Anyway, you know what Brendon’s like,” he continued, rolling his eyes at Spencer. “He started giggling and making rude gestures and asking the stupidest questions and generally being himself. And there was some sort of…I don’t know, tribal elder there? And boy, was he mad. Started yelling about disrespect and insulting his ancestors and stuff and…I’m not entirely sure how it happened,” he paused and looked at Ryan, who shrugged, looking even more perplexed. “But it was…it was like, one minute Brendon was there and then I blinked and…he wasn’t anymore. And there was just…” he waved a hand at the koala.
“Right,” Spencer said weakly, ridiculously grateful that he was sitting down. It was so preposterous and yet…he could almost make himself believe it. “So you saw him…change.”
“Well…no,” Ryan said, looking hesitant then moving to sit on Spencer’s other side. “I’m not going to pet you,” he informed the koala, who just looked back at him, and after a moment or two, Ryan sighed and ruffled his fingertips between its eyes.
“But it was close enough that there’s no other explanation,” he explained. Spencer made a face. “And don’t give me that pissy look- it’s not like we weren’t freaking out and questioning it at the time ourselves. This koala,” he added defensively, “is Brendon. There’s no other explanation. One minute Brendon, the next- poof!- koala. You weren’t there, you don’t know what it was like.”
Ryan’s cheeks were flushed now, the way he looked when he was halfway along the road towards a minor rage. He only looked that way when people didn’t believe what he was so earnestly telling them, whether it was insisting to his dad that he had done his homework, or insisting to Brent that Pete Wentz really, truly, honestly was coming to watch them play. Or, apparently, insisting to Spencer that Brendon was now a koala.
Spencer believed him. He nodded, swallowing hard and almost painfully around the lump in his throat. There were so many thoughts he needed to be having, so many problems he was going to have to fix. Too many for his brain to process at once.
“The elder-,” Jon broke into the whirlwind of his thoughts, “-he said that Brendon would stay like this until he learned to give respect where it was due and appreciate what the ancestors have given everyone.” Jon’s face looked grim, but this was okay, this was something Spencer could work with, could maybe use to fix the situation.
“And,” Ryan added, looking pained, at right about the moment when Spencer was planning various ways to initiate Brendon’s remedy via numerous lectures and possibly a puppet show, “when he learned not to be so childish.”
Spencer suddenly couldn’t breathe. His mind went blank for a long moment, and he looked down at the koala. “I hope you enjoy marsupial life,” he said. “Because we are all completely screwed.”
Ryan put his head in his hands, as if he’d been waiting for Spencer’s reaction before finally admitting defeat.
“Did you-“
“We begged,” Jon interrupted, unashamedly, voice cracking a little at the end. “We begged them to change him back, but the elder was pretty harsh, man. He said everything would sort itself out once Brendon learned the lessons he needed to learn. And then someone,” he threw a glance at Ryan, who mumbled a response that was muffled by his face still being hidden by his palms “- may have freaked out and shouted a lot and then they picked Brendon up and handed him to us and told us to get out. So we did.”
“Right,” Spencer said again. “Right. Um.”
He tried to process everything.
He failed.
Jon and Ryan were staring at him expectantly, and there it was, the old pressure of Spencer fixing things. Sometimes he hated it, but right now it was good because his brain started working again, whirring into overdrive as he made mental lists- what needed to be done in the short term, what needed to be done in the long term, possibly methods of making sure Brendon fulfilled the requirements of his remedy, practicalities- like how you even looked after a koala, and what would happen if they tried to take him out of the country, and how insane he was going to look turning up on the Urie’s front doorstep with a ball of grey fluff and saying ‘remember the son you let us take on tour? We broke him’ and-
“Well,” Spencer said after a long moment, shifting the koala- no, Brendon, he reminded himself, and that would never not be weird- onto his hip so he could hold it with one hand as he stood. Ryan looked up at him hopefully. Jon smiled a little.
“I guess we should…well, reschedule some things, cancel some shows and- oh god - find Pete before he freaks out,” he finished with a resigned sigh, reaching into his pocket for his Sidekick.
“Wait,” Jon said, holding out a hand to stop him. He took the phone from Spencer’s fingers. “We’ll sort out that stuff,” he added, motioning between himself and Ryan.
Ryan nodded and unfolded himself from the small unhappy pile he’d folded himself into at the foot of the bed. “Yeah, you should- stay with Brendon. He looks like he’s finally about to fall asleep.”
Spencer looked down at Brendon, who blinked sleepily up at him. “Um,” Spencer said, because he didn’t know what to do.
“And I’ll take care of Pete,” Ryan added, looking worried. “He is not going to be happy.”
~~~
Ryan had been right. Pete was not happy. He was gleeful. Overjoyed, perhaps, judging by the way he was collapsed on the floor laughing until tears ran down his face, leaving black tracks across his cheeks and in the creases around his nose and lips.
”Oh-oh-oh,” Pete choked out, clutching his stomach with both hands. “KOALA!” he managed to shout over his laughter. “Brendon. Koala. OH GOD!”
Ryan frowned down at him. “This isn’t funny,” he said, putting his hands on his hips. He glared at Pete, and then seeing that Pete was too busy rolling around and kicking his feet against the carpet, turned his glare onto the others.
Andy’s forehead was on his knees, shoulders shaking silently. Joe was studiously avoiding Ryan’s eyes. Patrick was biting his lip, hard, rim of his hat pulled down as low as it could go.
“I’m not joking,” Ryan insisted, some of the anger he’d felt earlier building inside him again. He hated not being taken seriously.
Pete wiped his face and sat up. “I know,” he said, giggling. “I believe you.” Which used to be one of the things Ryan had liked about Pete, how ready he was to put trust in what people had to say. But it was hard to remember things like that when Ryan hated Pete as much as he did right then.
Ryan had liked the idea of touring Australia with Fall Out Boy and The Academy Is… They were all great guys- fun to hang out with, fun to play with, and just down the hall in the hotel they were staying at which made it easy to do both of those things. And had also made it easy for Ryan to track Pete down and explain the situation almost immediately after they’d told Spencer (who, Ryan thought, was appearing to take it all rather well, and if Ryan wasn’t aware of how much Spencer internalised what he was thinking and feeling, he might actually have believed this).
Pete was also appearing to take it rather well. Rather too well, in Ryan’s opinion. He’d been nervous about telling Pete, although he knew it would sound best coming from him. Ryan had learned to handle Pete just enough that if there was bad news to be broken, Ryan was automatically given the job. Ryan had never really minded. Until now.
Pete had stared at him for a long moment and then demanded to see. So Ryan had obediently trooped them into the room where Spencer was propped up against the pillows on the bed, attempting to read a magazine over the sleepy grey bundle.
There had been a long, uncomfortable silence, and then Pete had sprayed Ryan with saliva as he tried not to laugh and Ryan had squawked at him and Spencer had done that glare he thought was intimidating (Ryan was never going to let him know that it totally was) and they’d all left in a hurry. Jon had been dispatched to inform TAI, and the rest of them had returned to Pete and Patrick’s room where Pete had fallen off the bed and had been rolling around laughing ever since.
“Well,” Ryan said, pissily. “What do we do?”
“Uh,” Pete said, and stopped laughing. “Um. Oh. I don’t know.”
He glanced up at Patrick, who met his eyes for a split second then looked away, grinning hard through his bitten lip.
“See if the local zoo needs a new resident?” Pete suggested, lips quirking as he spoke. “Or, hey, you could take him on the road with you.”
“He could be your mascot,” Joe piped up and Pete pointed to him and snapped his fingers.
“Yes!” he said. “He could be your mascot. Koalas! At the disco!” And then he collapsed in a fit of snorting giggles again.
Ryan hated Pete’s lame jokes at the best of times, so he was really not appreciating these.
“I hope that, one day, you turn into some weird creature and everyone around you does nothing but laugh and be completely unhelpful,” Ryan said tartly, before storming back to Brendon’s hotel room.
It had been a long, stressful day, and Ryan was tired. Having gotten his annoyed stomping out of his system in the hallway, he slipped quietly into Brendon’s room, and was greeted with the sight of Spencer, curled on his side with Brendon still half attached to his chest. It looked so welcoming that Ryan only hesitated for a moment before kicking off his shoes and curling up on the other side of Brendon.
Someone made a sleepy, welcoming noise, and Ryan wondered for a minute which of them it had been, and realised he had no idea what sort of sounds koalas made anyway.
They were really soft and warm though and Ryan pressed his face against Spencer’s arm and against Brendon’s back and fell asleep.
~~~
Siska’s hopping up and down in excitement at the prospect of seeing a koalified Brendon (his own words, which Jon was going to be careful to repeat in front of Ryan just to see the nervous twitch in his right eye again) had become too much to bear
So with possibly false, considering how protective of koala-Brendon Spencer was being ( which was admittedly only slightly more protective than he was of human-Brendon but still…) promises of letting them all see Brendon in the morning, Jon escaped to hunt down food for them all.
Jon was halfway across the street and heading towards the nearest supermarket before he realised he had no clue what koalas ate, and he was pretty sure asking any of the locals would earn him suspicious looks.
Human-Brendon had liked pop tarts and potato chips and spaghetti and bowls of cereal at dinnertime. Jon was pretty sure that wasn’t a koala’s natural diet, and he wondered briefly if it would be okay to feed a koala pop tarts, or if it’s not allowed, like giving dogs chocolate.
There was a touristy type shop a few doors down from the supermarket and Jon paused as he passed, attention caught by a large, glossy postcard. It had a koala on it (not as cute as Brendon, Jon thought, almost proudly, as if he was some weird stage mom pushing Brendon into a Miss Koala pageant) and Jon praised the god of stupid clichés and stereotypes and tacky plastic souvenirs. The koala was in a tree, chewing on leaves. Jon’s mind somehow supplied the word ‘Eucalyptus’.
He glanced up and down the street but there seem to be a severe lack of Eucalyptus trees in down town Melbourne. He doubted that was something he’d be able to find in any local shop, and since he was sure as hell not willing to brave a trip into the outback for some leaves they’ll probably get arrested for stealing (and how on earth would he explain his way out of that one? ‘Well, you see officer, I was cutting them down because my friend is hungry, and he gets cranky when he’s hungry and oh, did I mention he’s a koala and I’m keeping him in my hotel room?’ and then Ryan might actually kill him, which is not something Jon wanted) he figured lettuce and spinach and similar greenery would do. So he bought a ridiculous amount of groceries before slipping on his sunglasses and strolling back into the hotel as nonchalantly as a man with two bags full of potential koala food can look.
He struggled to get the door open, juggling the bags and his keycard. Shutting the door firmly behind him, he was thankful he hadn’t knocked and called for help like he’d been tempted to do.
It was such a beautiful scene in front of him that Jon stared at them for a moment, then carefully placed the shopping on the floor and tiptoed over to his bag to pull out his camera.
He took a couple of shots, moving around the room silently. He was barefoot- flipflops kicked under the table in the corner. It was hard, sometimes, for Jon to capture on film or in pixels, precisely what he saw in a scene. Too often, the image on the screen, or on paper, didn’t match the way it had looked to his eyes.
There was a peacefulness that he wanted to be able to capture forever. It was unusual to see his bandmates, his friends, like this, so relaxed and still. A wave of jealousy washed over Jon, envy at their closeness, their serenity despite the ridiculous situation they were all suddenly stuck in.
He was still staring when Spencer cracked open one eye. “Are you getting in or what?” he asked quietly, puffing out a breath of air to blow a few strands of Ryan’s hair out of his mouth.
Jon hesitated, then nodded and climbed onto the bed, stretching out at the edge of the mattress behind Spencer.
He pillowed his head on his hands and closed his eyes.
Spencer made a huffing noise that was either annoyance or laughter and reached behind himself blindly, catching at Jon’s hip and tugging.
He tugged, insistently, until Jon’s body spooned his, chest pressed tight against Spencer’s back, hand on his waist, nose pressed into the fine, feathery hair at the base of Spencer’s neck.
Jon shifted, making himself more comfortable, and moulding himself closer against Spencer in the process. A hand landed on top of his, pressing it down against Spencer’s hipbone a little, and Jon knew it was Ryan, could tell by the cool temperature of the skin, so different from the heat radiating off Spencer.
Gradually they fell back asleep- Spencer first, then Ryan, and Jon felt the rush of cosy sleepiness trickle over him. In the haze between wake and sleep, Jon wondered if they’d do this again, if Brendon returned to being human. Wondered if they could do it again when Brendon did return to normal (because Jon was an eternal optimist and knew that Brendon had to return to normal, couldn’t stay as a koala. It just wasn’t possible).
There was something, Jon thought, as he drifted off, so peaceful and gentle and comfortable about doing this, simply being, cuddling, sleeping with a bunch of people you loved more than you’d ever expected to.
~~~
“Koalas have unusually small brains,” Siska said when Spencer and Jon brought Brendon into one of the TAI rooms.
“Um,” said Spencer. “Okay?”
“Someone,” Mike explained, shooting the Butcher a look, “pointed Sisky towards Wikipedia. He’s been researching koalas all morning.”
“Huh,” Jon said. “Actually, maybe that could be kinda useful.”
“I am full of important koala facts,” Siska said proudly, puffing out his chest a little.
“Where’s Bill?” Spencer asked, glancing around the room. The Butcher helped himself to Brendon, ignoring Spencer’s scowl when Brendon clung to his chest.
“Out,” the Butcher said. “ With Chiz. He, uh, expected you guys would be coming round. And he’s got a bit of a phobia about the K-O-A-L-A.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Brendon’s a koala, he’s not five,” he said. “You don’t have to spell things out over his head. And also, tell me more about this phobia and how we can exploit it for our own amusement.”
The Butcher grinned evilly and leaned in.
“Spence!” Jon interrupted. “I think you should hear this.” He was standing with Siska, looking worried.
“I was just saying,” Siska said, shifting from foot to foot under Spencer’s gaze. “That male koalas reach maturity at 3, maybe 4 years old. And judging by his weight and size, I’d guess Brendon’s around 18 months. 2 years, maybe.”
Spencer stared at him. Then he stared at Brendon, and exchanged a look with Jon.
“Fuck,” he said.
“I know,” Jon sighed. “What if the only way for Brendon to stop being childish is to mature in the form he’s in?”
“Maybe, though,” Mike said, “Brendon’s not like a normal koala. I mean, he wasn’t exactly like a normal boy, right?”
“Maybe,” Spencer said, frowning. “We should go and tell Ryan though. And Pete,” he added reluctantly. Pete was still reacting to the whole situation with far too much hilarity. “Unless there’s anything else helpful you could tell us?”
“Um,” said Siska. “They can catch Chlamydia?”
Spencer stared at him.
“Also,” Siska said, quickly, “Did you know that koalas have fingerprints? So, like, say you wanted to commit a crime and you thought ‘hey, I know, I’ll send Brendon in to snatch that massive diamond from the museum’ you totally couldn’t, because the police would dust for fingerprints and they look very similar to human fingerprints.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Spencer said dryly, holding out his arms to take Brendon back from the Butcher, who had held him for far too long already and was beginning to get a mischievous glint in his eye.
“Wait,” Jon said, folding his arms across his chest and looking thoughtful. “If they look like human fingerprints, then using a koala would be the perfect crime. I mean, assuming that he doesn’t have the same fingerprints he had as a human- and since the rest of him has…changed, I think that’s a safe assumption- then they’d never be able to trace it back to him, and we’d be off with-”
“We’re not robbing any diamond museums,” Spencer said firmly, finally managing to wrestle Brendon away. “I’m taking Brendon for a nap now,” he added. “You’re all bad influences on him. He needs to learn to be less childish to get out of this, remember?”
He headed for the door.
“And they have bifurcated penises!” Siska shouted after him. “Isn’t that cool?”
Spencer left quickly before the lewd comments could begin.
~~~
They lasted a whole day and a half of koala-Brendon before Spencer put his knife and fork carefully together on his plate of half eaten dinner and pushed the plate away.
“That’s it,” he said. “I’ve had enough. I’m sorry Brendon, but…I can’t live like this anymore.”
Ryan exchanged a look with Jon. “Um,” Ryan said. “What do you mean? You’re not…not leaving us are you?” He could hear the slight note of panic in his voice and didn’t try to hide it. Ryan had a sudden vision of life without Spencer, just him and Jon and Brendon the koala. They’d be completely lost. They’d probably be living in cardboard boxes on the streets of Adelaide, being hunted by Animal Welfare. Also Pete might have killed them for breaking up the band.
Spencer shot him a look of pure disbelief. “As if I’d just walk out on you guys,” he said, sounding a little hurt, and Ryan wanted to reach out and hug him, but it was his turn to hold Brendon, who was snuggled tightly against his chest, head right over his heart.
“I’m sick of this,” Spencer said, waving his hand at Brendon. “I miss him, you know?”
Ryan and Jon both nodded.
“And I’m sick of people’s reactions to him,” Spencer added, “Everyone either wants to hold him and play with him like he’s a toy or a puppy or something. Or otherwise they freak out.”
Ryan stifled a smile, thinking back to earlier that day when they’d taken Brendon into Siska and Mike’s room. Bill had been there, and had looked terrified when he’d spotted Brendon. He’d been quite vocal about his phobia of koalas, but no one had been prepared for his reaction when the Butcher tried to force him to hold Brendon.
Bill had shrieked like a little girl and batted at his hair. “He’s tangled in it!” Bill had screamed. “Get him off! Get him off!”
The Butcher had stepped off quickly, but Bill had been inconsolable, and had run from the room, still batting at his hair, screeching “Rabies! Rabies!”
It had been pretty damn funny at the time, but afterwards…well, Ryan had just felt awkward about it. It was one thing to use Brendon to annoy Bill when he could talk and come up with evil plans himself, but using him as a weapon this way was just mean. To Brendon.
“I don’t think we have a choice,” Jon pointed out. “They said he had to learn his lesson.”
Spencer stood up. “I don’t care,” he said, giving them all a fierce look. “I really don’t care. They did this? Then they can fix it. We’re taking him back to that place.”
Ryan stared at him. He watched the determination flash in Spencer’s eyes.
”Okay,” he said, standing up and holding Brendon out. This, he thought, was one of the reasons why he loved Spencer so much. Ryan straightened his shoulders, trying to mimic Spencer’s resolute posture.
“I’ll drive,” Jon said.
~~~
They were lucky, Jon thought, to have a Spencer. Everyone should have a Spencer, although people would be hard pressed to find one as nifty as theirs, who could pretty much demand miracles be performed and they were.
Spencer was always, always, always the one who cleaned up the shit that Jon and the others got into, and his record of sorting things out remained unblemished.
Brendon looked, understandably, a little dazed, squinting into the strong sunlight and yawning. He stumbled a little, as if unused to his long limbs, and Jon saw Spencer put an arm around his waist to steady him.
Brendon slanted his eyes up at him and smiled, hesitantly at first, and then brighter, cuddling into Spencer’s side as they got in the car.
“Remember this,” Spencer said to the others as Jon drove them back to the hotel, catching a glimpse in the rear view mirror of Brendon sliding his arm up Spencer’s chest, fingers curling a little to hang on to the fabric of Spencer’s thin t-shirt.
In the passenger seat beside him, Jon could see Ryan alternating pensive looks between Brendon and the world passing by outside his window.
“Remember,” Spencer continued, a little sanctimoniously, but that was forgivable considering the circumstances, “that I was the one who, as per usual, got us out of this mess.”
Jon snorted, and spotted Spencer’s slow grin. There was no way any of them would be forgetting about this anytime soon, and Spencer knew it. And, Jon predicted, he would be reminding them of this at every possibly opportunity.
Jon still couldn’t get over how Spencer had just marched into the place and demanded they return Brendon to normal. He’d argued and bitched and ranted and raged until the Aboriginal elder had looked so worn down and tired that he’d just nodded and muttered something and waved his hands, and suddenly Jon, who had been holding the koala, had an armful of human Brendon who was looking very, very, confused.
“Thanks so much for teaching us that lesson,” had been Spencer’s parting shot. “We really learned a lot.”
The funny thing was, Jon thought, watching Brendon and Spencer and Ryan carefully, his heart pounding a little with relief and happiness, that they probably had learned something important along the way. Maybe. Even if it was just to keep Brendon away from people with bizarre magical powers.
~~~
The reaction to the arrival of a non-koalified Brendon was somewhat subdued when they burst into one of the Fall Out Boy rooms.
“I’m back!” Brendon announced brightly, throwing his arms wide as if expecting a rush of hugs.
“Yay,” Patrick said dully, and Andy and Joe murmured their agreements.
“Um,” Ryan said, frowning. “Where’s Pete?”
Patrick looked up at him, revealing the platypus he had clutched tightly to his chest.
There was a long moment of silence.
“No way,” Spencer said. “No fucking way. You’re messing with us.”
Andy shook his head. “I wish we were. I really, really, wish we were.”
“What the hell happened?” Jon asked, and the three of them exchanged looks.
“Uh,” Joe said, frowning a little. “We went back to that place that Brendon got…” he paused and waved a hand in Brendon’s direction. “Good to see you back to normal, man,” he added. “Pete said he wanted to congratulate those Aboriginal dudes on getting you to sit quietly and shut up for a day.”
Brendon looked mildly affronted.
“They didn’t take kindly to him treating it like some big joke,” Patrick spoke up, stroking the platypus’s head lightly, looking incredibly distraught. “Said that maybe Pete needed to be taught a lesson too, and that laughing at Brendon clearly showed Pete was in need of some self improvement too. And then…platypus.”
Jon bit his lip. Hard.
“Huh,” Spencer said. “I would have expected, I don’t know, a Tasmanian Devil or something.”
Brendon made a noise of distress and threw himself to the floor beside Patrick, trying to pet Pete.
“I wouldn’t,” Andy warned.
“But he’s so cute!” Brendon said. “Aren’t you, little Petey? Yes you are!”
“No,” Joe said firmly. “You turned into a creature that is cute and cuddly and sits and does nothing all day but eat and climb trees and hold onto people. Pete’s become a freakishly weird looking creature- because of course he’s always got to be unique- and hey, did you know that Platypi are poisonous? Yeah me neither, until Andy pointed it out when we were freaking out and maybe laughing a little and the vicious bastard took a swipe at me. The only person he’ll let hold him is Patrick.”
Patrick’s cheeks flamed pink. “I don’t know why,” he said, hurriedly. “Really, he should be okay with all of you guys too.”
“It might do him some good,” Ryan said, as Brendon pulled back his hand sharply and backed away. “He probably does deserve it.”
Patrick shot him a dirty look and cradled Pete closer.
"Maybe he doesn't mind," Brendon said, narrowing his eyes as he looked at the platypus, as if trying to find a way to pet him without getting injured. "I mean, it wasn’t that bad for me. I kinda liked it. And hey! You could call him Platypete!"
Patrick glared at everyone as they fell around laughing. "I really don't think this is a joking matter," he said, conveniently forgetting his own reaction to Brendon. He bit his lip suddenly and dipped his head to hide his slowly spreading smile. "Fuck," he said. "You know that name's going to stick, right? Pete will not be happy about it."
"That's sort of the point," Jon pointed out, and Patrick attempted to put his hands over the platypus's ears.
“Dude!” Joe exclaimed suddenly, leaning close to Ryan. “You totally cursed him! Remember what you said to him a couple of days ago?”
Ryan gave Joe a level look.
“I, uh, I was totally supportive and willing to help as soon as you had asked,” Joe added quickly. “That mascot thing was just a light hearted joke. Also, I don’t think Patrick could handle it if more than one of us turned into something weird. He’s barely holding up now.”
“Hey!” Patrick protested.
Ryan stared at Patrick for a moment. He really did look incredibly tired, and freaked out, and it had only been a few hours for him.
He decided the need for someone in Fall Out Boy to be reasonably sane was far more important than letting Pete be stuck as a platypus for a few more days.
Ryan fished a piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled directions on it, folding it up and giving it to Joe carefully. “Go, and beg for all you’re worth,” he said. “It worked for us. Except you might need to take Spencer with you. They’re all scared of him. ”
Patrick flashed him a grateful smile.
“Hey, before you get him changed back,” Spencer said, “how about we take him to William and see if he’s scared of platypuses too?
Jon made a sudden strangled noise, and pushed himself up off the bed where he’d been sitting and staring at Pete.
”Where are you going?” Brendon asked, frowning.
Jon paused with his hand on the door handle. “I just realised- have any of you even seen Bill since yesterday? Because he wasn’t exactly welcoming to Brendon as a koala too. Someone should check that he hasn’t been turned into a wombat or anything.”
~~~
Brendon couldn’t sleep. Jon had joked that it was just because Brendon slept so much as a koala, and also made a few comments about how much food Brendon had packed away and how it would result in him losing his girlish figure.
Brendon didn’t think that was it. He also didn’t think his figure was girlish to start with.
It felt alien, suddenly, to be back in his own body, his own skin. It almost felt like he’d been put back wrong. Inside out maybe. Back to front.
He was too cold. His bed was too big. He couldn’t get comfortable.
Eventually Brendon sighed and got up, glancing over at Ryan who had fallen asleep on his back, with one arm across his eyes and his mouth slightly open.
He snored gently.
Brendon smiled. He thought it was cute.
Brendon slipped out of bed and padded across the room in the dark, opening the door quietly, and stepping out into the corridor.
He tapped on the door across from his, quietly at first, then louder when no one answered.
It creaked open a second or two later, revealing Jon blinking at him, the sudden brightness of the hallway light behind Brendon making his pupils narrow to pinpricks.
Jon stared at him for a moment, then he rubbed the back of his neck as he stood aside to let Brendon in.
Brendon hesitated for a moment, then made a beeline for the curled up form that was Spencer. He climbed up onto the bed and slid between the covers, shimmying closer to Spencer. Spencer half woke-up, pulling Brendon in tightly, until Brendon’s head was resting on Spencer’s chest and he could hear Spencer’s heart pounding reassuringly in his ear. Brendon closed his eyes.
Several moments passed. Brendon was almost asleep when there was a sudden rustle of sheets and cold air against his skin as Ryan slipped in behind him, pressing cold feet to Brendon’s calves. And then Jon’s warm hand was on his waist, reaching around from behind Spencer.
Brendon sighed contentedly, feeling warm, finally.
Everything felt completely right again.
Brendon slowly fell asleep.
~~~
“Mail, motherfucker!” the computer announced, and Bill skipped over to open his inbox.
G’day Bill! it read.
We’re all having a fantastic time touring Australia. Don’t know why you swore you’d never come back! I’ve attached a pic of me and Gabe so you can see how much fun we’re having.
See you soon,
V
xxx
Bill rolled his eyes. He’d warned them all, when Cobra Starship had announced they were touring Down Under, that it was a dangerous, dangerous country with many disgustingly evil creatures (Gabe had frowned and said that he’d better not have been insulting snakes, the noblest of all animals). But they’d gone anyway, the foolish, foolish people.
He clicked the link to download the picture. It took a few moments to download.
Bill stared at the screen in horror.
“Oh god,” he shrieked. “No Gabe! Not you too!”
Unable to bear the sight of his friend in such a horrific form, Bill ran off to phone his therapist. And he’d been doing so well with his phobia recovery too...
Fandom/Characters/Pairings:Bandom. Panic!, with FOB and TAI. Can be read as Gen, or as pre-slash for Brendon/Spencer or Panic! GSF and Pete/Patrick.
Rating: PG-13 for language I guess?
Disclaimer: If you think this really happened, then Bill’s not the only one who needs therapy :D Completely untrue in so many ways.
Summary: Brendon turns into a koala while on tour in Australia. Really. There’s not much else I can say after that.
A/N: Firstly- wonderful betaing of this fic was done by vampyreranger and rain_dances. Title was suggested by heartbroken_red and tweaked by rain_dances who, along with loveyouallwrong deserve thanks for the handholding and squeeing while this was being written. I’d also like to thank the Academy…oh, wait, sorry, wrong occasion. For the record, I’m not saying Aboriginies have magic that could turn someone into an animal. And I’m also not saying they don’t. Just don't disrespect their culture and we'll all be fine...
So. This needs an explanation. At some point, I decided the only logical explanation that there were those adorable pics of Ryan, Spencer, Jon, Patrick and Mike with a koala, and none with Brendon, was that BRENDON WAS THE KOALA. glamorous_nymph agreed, and so this fic is for her.
“Ha ha,” Spencer said.
Ryan stared at him. “No,” he said, eyes wide. “I’m serious.”
Spencer tried to share a look with Jon, the look they shared whenever Ryan or Brendon were just being complete dicks. Except Jon wasn’t giving him the look back.
“Uh…he’s serious,” Jon echoed, looking freaked out.
Which was right about when Spencer started feeling freaked out too.
“If I find out you guys are fucking with me…” Spencer said, narrowing his eyes and glaring (an idle threat, since neither Ryan or Jon were scared of him and if Brendon was now a …well, then who would Spencer get to intimidate with his ‘I will cut you, bitch’ face?).
Ryan shook his head and bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth like he did when things were really fucked up. Spencer’s stomach flip flopped. He swallowed hard, belief overwhelming the anger he was storing up in case this really was a bad, bad joke.
“Brendon is a koala,” Spencer said, echoing Ryan’s greeting to him.
The room buzzed with silence.
Spencer stared at Ryan.
Ryan stared back.
Spencer stared at Jon.
Jon stared back.
Neither of them blinked, although Ryan’s eye did that weird twitch that Spencer hadn’t seen since the whole fiasco with Brent.
Fuck.
“Yes,” said Ryan, eventually.
Spencer’s shoulders slumped. He knew his mouth was hanging open, knew his mom would make some comment about him catching flies if she were there, but she wasn’t. And for the first time since he’d started thinking of himself as a real live grown up in his head, Spencer sort of wished she was.
“Brendon,” Spencer repeated, rolling the name on his tongue. “Our Brendon. Brendon Urie. Our singer. Our friend. Our…whatever. Is now a koala.”
“Yes,” said Ryan. His eye twitched again, and his hand flew up to his face, rubbing at it.
“Don’t,” Spencer said automatically. “You’ll make it worse. Also, I don’t believe you.” This was partially a lie.
“Show me,” he added, making it a dare, waiting for Brendon to jump out shouting ‘boo!’ or for Jon to hand him a stuffed toy and spend a good half hour trying to convince him it was Brendon.
Ryan swallowed audibly. He nodded and glanced at Jon, who took his hands out of his pockets and led the way, head bent, looking at the carpet.
Spencer followed Jon out of his and Ryan’s hotel room and into the one Jon was sharing with Brendon next door. He could feel Ryan crowding close behind him, hot breath on his neck. Then Ryan’s hand brushed his arm, squeezed his bicep a little, as Jon pointed at the bed.
Where a koala was sitting. It looked up when Spencer moved towards it, big eyes watching him.
“If you guys robbed some zoo, there’s going to be a lot of pissed off people after you,” Spencer said, staring at it. “And I am not bailing you out this time.”
“It’s Brendon,” Ryan insisted, shooting Spencer a wounded look, as if to reproach him for not believing the outlandishness of the situation.
But the koala’s head turned to look at Ryan, who was now twisting the hem of his t-shirt nervously between his fingers. Jon had retreated to lean against the wall furthest from the bed, hip cocked, arms folded, freaked out expression still on his face. Whenever Jon Walker was unsettled, Spencer knew things were not okay.
“That’s Brendon,” Spencer tried, seeing how it sounded. The koala’s tiny paws flailed a little and it crawled towards him, waving its arms again as if it wanted to be picked up. Which was admittedly something Brendon did fairly often.
Spencer was moving towards the bed before he even realised what he was doing. He paused abruptly as it crawled closer to him.
“Think it bites?” he asked the room at large, and when he got no answer he sat on the edge of the bed and shrugged. “Right,” he said, giving a big fake laugh. “It’s Brendon. Of course he bites.”
The koala had crawled into his lap the moment he’d taken a seat. Which was again very Brendon like but still... koala. Spencer hadn’t been the best student in the school when it came to science, but he was ninety-nine percent sure it wasn’t possible for a tall, hyperactive, skinny dude to suddenly become a tiny, cuddly, surprisingly heavy, slow moving creature. It defied the laws of the universe or something.
It was kind of cute though, looking up at him with big bright eyes.
Spencer sighed and picked it up and it attached itself to his chest, gripping tightly as if it never wanted to let go.
Ryan and Jon stared at him. Neither said a word.
“So,” Spencer said calmly, as if this sort of thing was an everyday occurrence.
They both stared at him a bit longer.
“Explain,” he prompted.
Ryan and Jon exchanged a look, although Ryan’s was more of his usual pissy glare, and then Jon pushed himself away from the wall and moved to sit gingerly beside Spencer. He reached out a hand and petted the koala gently, and it blinked back at him sleepily.
“We went to a…what do you call it?” he turned to Ryan, who shrugged and frowned back at him.
“Anyways, it was all about Aboriginal art and history and stuff and whatever. And there was this one mural that was…well, if you squinted and looked at it in a certain way, it looked…rude,” he finished lamely.
“Yeah, if you’re a twelve year old boy,” Ryan cut in, glaring at Jon, who ducked his head. Spencer could see his grin behind the curtain of his fringe. Jon’s shoulder’s started to shake.
“Oh shut up,” Ryan snapped. “If that,” he pointed at the koala, “happens to you now, don’t expect me to take care of you. I’ll leave you out in the bush for some dingo to eat.”
Jon stopped laughing. “Right,” he said, sounding slightly guilty. “Anyway, you know what Brendon’s like,” he continued, rolling his eyes at Spencer. “He started giggling and making rude gestures and asking the stupidest questions and generally being himself. And there was some sort of…I don’t know, tribal elder there? And boy, was he mad. Started yelling about disrespect and insulting his ancestors and stuff and…I’m not entirely sure how it happened,” he paused and looked at Ryan, who shrugged, looking even more perplexed. “But it was…it was like, one minute Brendon was there and then I blinked and…he wasn’t anymore. And there was just…” he waved a hand at the koala.
“Right,” Spencer said weakly, ridiculously grateful that he was sitting down. It was so preposterous and yet…he could almost make himself believe it. “So you saw him…change.”
“Well…no,” Ryan said, looking hesitant then moving to sit on Spencer’s other side. “I’m not going to pet you,” he informed the koala, who just looked back at him, and after a moment or two, Ryan sighed and ruffled his fingertips between its eyes.
“But it was close enough that there’s no other explanation,” he explained. Spencer made a face. “And don’t give me that pissy look- it’s not like we weren’t freaking out and questioning it at the time ourselves. This koala,” he added defensively, “is Brendon. There’s no other explanation. One minute Brendon, the next- poof!- koala. You weren’t there, you don’t know what it was like.”
Ryan’s cheeks were flushed now, the way he looked when he was halfway along the road towards a minor rage. He only looked that way when people didn’t believe what he was so earnestly telling them, whether it was insisting to his dad that he had done his homework, or insisting to Brent that Pete Wentz really, truly, honestly was coming to watch them play. Or, apparently, insisting to Spencer that Brendon was now a koala.
Spencer believed him. He nodded, swallowing hard and almost painfully around the lump in his throat. There were so many thoughts he needed to be having, so many problems he was going to have to fix. Too many for his brain to process at once.
“The elder-,” Jon broke into the whirlwind of his thoughts, “-he said that Brendon would stay like this until he learned to give respect where it was due and appreciate what the ancestors have given everyone.” Jon’s face looked grim, but this was okay, this was something Spencer could work with, could maybe use to fix the situation.
“And,” Ryan added, looking pained, at right about the moment when Spencer was planning various ways to initiate Brendon’s remedy via numerous lectures and possibly a puppet show, “when he learned not to be so childish.”
Spencer suddenly couldn’t breathe. His mind went blank for a long moment, and he looked down at the koala. “I hope you enjoy marsupial life,” he said. “Because we are all completely screwed.”
Ryan put his head in his hands, as if he’d been waiting for Spencer’s reaction before finally admitting defeat.
“Did you-“
“We begged,” Jon interrupted, unashamedly, voice cracking a little at the end. “We begged them to change him back, but the elder was pretty harsh, man. He said everything would sort itself out once Brendon learned the lessons he needed to learn. And then someone,” he threw a glance at Ryan, who mumbled a response that was muffled by his face still being hidden by his palms “- may have freaked out and shouted a lot and then they picked Brendon up and handed him to us and told us to get out. So we did.”
“Right,” Spencer said again. “Right. Um.”
He tried to process everything.
He failed.
Jon and Ryan were staring at him expectantly, and there it was, the old pressure of Spencer fixing things. Sometimes he hated it, but right now it was good because his brain started working again, whirring into overdrive as he made mental lists- what needed to be done in the short term, what needed to be done in the long term, possibly methods of making sure Brendon fulfilled the requirements of his remedy, practicalities- like how you even looked after a koala, and what would happen if they tried to take him out of the country, and how insane he was going to look turning up on the Urie’s front doorstep with a ball of grey fluff and saying ‘remember the son you let us take on tour? We broke him’ and-
“Well,” Spencer said after a long moment, shifting the koala- no, Brendon, he reminded himself, and that would never not be weird- onto his hip so he could hold it with one hand as he stood. Ryan looked up at him hopefully. Jon smiled a little.
“I guess we should…well, reschedule some things, cancel some shows and- oh god - find Pete before he freaks out,” he finished with a resigned sigh, reaching into his pocket for his Sidekick.
“Wait,” Jon said, holding out a hand to stop him. He took the phone from Spencer’s fingers. “We’ll sort out that stuff,” he added, motioning between himself and Ryan.
Ryan nodded and unfolded himself from the small unhappy pile he’d folded himself into at the foot of the bed. “Yeah, you should- stay with Brendon. He looks like he’s finally about to fall asleep.”
Spencer looked down at Brendon, who blinked sleepily up at him. “Um,” Spencer said, because he didn’t know what to do.
“And I’ll take care of Pete,” Ryan added, looking worried. “He is not going to be happy.”
~~~
Ryan had been right. Pete was not happy. He was gleeful. Overjoyed, perhaps, judging by the way he was collapsed on the floor laughing until tears ran down his face, leaving black tracks across his cheeks and in the creases around his nose and lips.
”Oh-oh-oh,” Pete choked out, clutching his stomach with both hands. “KOALA!” he managed to shout over his laughter. “Brendon. Koala. OH GOD!”
Ryan frowned down at him. “This isn’t funny,” he said, putting his hands on his hips. He glared at Pete, and then seeing that Pete was too busy rolling around and kicking his feet against the carpet, turned his glare onto the others.
Andy’s forehead was on his knees, shoulders shaking silently. Joe was studiously avoiding Ryan’s eyes. Patrick was biting his lip, hard, rim of his hat pulled down as low as it could go.
“I’m not joking,” Ryan insisted, some of the anger he’d felt earlier building inside him again. He hated not being taken seriously.
Pete wiped his face and sat up. “I know,” he said, giggling. “I believe you.” Which used to be one of the things Ryan had liked about Pete, how ready he was to put trust in what people had to say. But it was hard to remember things like that when Ryan hated Pete as much as he did right then.
Ryan had liked the idea of touring Australia with Fall Out Boy and The Academy Is… They were all great guys- fun to hang out with, fun to play with, and just down the hall in the hotel they were staying at which made it easy to do both of those things. And had also made it easy for Ryan to track Pete down and explain the situation almost immediately after they’d told Spencer (who, Ryan thought, was appearing to take it all rather well, and if Ryan wasn’t aware of how much Spencer internalised what he was thinking and feeling, he might actually have believed this).
Pete was also appearing to take it rather well. Rather too well, in Ryan’s opinion. He’d been nervous about telling Pete, although he knew it would sound best coming from him. Ryan had learned to handle Pete just enough that if there was bad news to be broken, Ryan was automatically given the job. Ryan had never really minded. Until now.
Pete had stared at him for a long moment and then demanded to see. So Ryan had obediently trooped them into the room where Spencer was propped up against the pillows on the bed, attempting to read a magazine over the sleepy grey bundle.
There had been a long, uncomfortable silence, and then Pete had sprayed Ryan with saliva as he tried not to laugh and Ryan had squawked at him and Spencer had done that glare he thought was intimidating (Ryan was never going to let him know that it totally was) and they’d all left in a hurry. Jon had been dispatched to inform TAI, and the rest of them had returned to Pete and Patrick’s room where Pete had fallen off the bed and had been rolling around laughing ever since.
“Well,” Ryan said, pissily. “What do we do?”
“Uh,” Pete said, and stopped laughing. “Um. Oh. I don’t know.”
He glanced up at Patrick, who met his eyes for a split second then looked away, grinning hard through his bitten lip.
“See if the local zoo needs a new resident?” Pete suggested, lips quirking as he spoke. “Or, hey, you could take him on the road with you.”
“He could be your mascot,” Joe piped up and Pete pointed to him and snapped his fingers.
“Yes!” he said. “He could be your mascot. Koalas! At the disco!” And then he collapsed in a fit of snorting giggles again.
Ryan hated Pete’s lame jokes at the best of times, so he was really not appreciating these.
“I hope that, one day, you turn into some weird creature and everyone around you does nothing but laugh and be completely unhelpful,” Ryan said tartly, before storming back to Brendon’s hotel room.
It had been a long, stressful day, and Ryan was tired. Having gotten his annoyed stomping out of his system in the hallway, he slipped quietly into Brendon’s room, and was greeted with the sight of Spencer, curled on his side with Brendon still half attached to his chest. It looked so welcoming that Ryan only hesitated for a moment before kicking off his shoes and curling up on the other side of Brendon.
Someone made a sleepy, welcoming noise, and Ryan wondered for a minute which of them it had been, and realised he had no idea what sort of sounds koalas made anyway.
They were really soft and warm though and Ryan pressed his face against Spencer’s arm and against Brendon’s back and fell asleep.
~~~
Siska’s hopping up and down in excitement at the prospect of seeing a koalified Brendon (his own words, which Jon was going to be careful to repeat in front of Ryan just to see the nervous twitch in his right eye again) had become too much to bear
So with possibly false, considering how protective of koala-Brendon Spencer was being ( which was admittedly only slightly more protective than he was of human-Brendon but still…) promises of letting them all see Brendon in the morning, Jon escaped to hunt down food for them all.
Jon was halfway across the street and heading towards the nearest supermarket before he realised he had no clue what koalas ate, and he was pretty sure asking any of the locals would earn him suspicious looks.
Human-Brendon had liked pop tarts and potato chips and spaghetti and bowls of cereal at dinnertime. Jon was pretty sure that wasn’t a koala’s natural diet, and he wondered briefly if it would be okay to feed a koala pop tarts, or if it’s not allowed, like giving dogs chocolate.
There was a touristy type shop a few doors down from the supermarket and Jon paused as he passed, attention caught by a large, glossy postcard. It had a koala on it (not as cute as Brendon, Jon thought, almost proudly, as if he was some weird stage mom pushing Brendon into a Miss Koala pageant) and Jon praised the god of stupid clichés and stereotypes and tacky plastic souvenirs. The koala was in a tree, chewing on leaves. Jon’s mind somehow supplied the word ‘Eucalyptus’.
He glanced up and down the street but there seem to be a severe lack of Eucalyptus trees in down town Melbourne. He doubted that was something he’d be able to find in any local shop, and since he was sure as hell not willing to brave a trip into the outback for some leaves they’ll probably get arrested for stealing (and how on earth would he explain his way out of that one? ‘Well, you see officer, I was cutting them down because my friend is hungry, and he gets cranky when he’s hungry and oh, did I mention he’s a koala and I’m keeping him in my hotel room?’ and then Ryan might actually kill him, which is not something Jon wanted) he figured lettuce and spinach and similar greenery would do. So he bought a ridiculous amount of groceries before slipping on his sunglasses and strolling back into the hotel as nonchalantly as a man with two bags full of potential koala food can look.
He struggled to get the door open, juggling the bags and his keycard. Shutting the door firmly behind him, he was thankful he hadn’t knocked and called for help like he’d been tempted to do.
It was such a beautiful scene in front of him that Jon stared at them for a moment, then carefully placed the shopping on the floor and tiptoed over to his bag to pull out his camera.
He took a couple of shots, moving around the room silently. He was barefoot- flipflops kicked under the table in the corner. It was hard, sometimes, for Jon to capture on film or in pixels, precisely what he saw in a scene. Too often, the image on the screen, or on paper, didn’t match the way it had looked to his eyes.
There was a peacefulness that he wanted to be able to capture forever. It was unusual to see his bandmates, his friends, like this, so relaxed and still. A wave of jealousy washed over Jon, envy at their closeness, their serenity despite the ridiculous situation they were all suddenly stuck in.
He was still staring when Spencer cracked open one eye. “Are you getting in or what?” he asked quietly, puffing out a breath of air to blow a few strands of Ryan’s hair out of his mouth.
Jon hesitated, then nodded and climbed onto the bed, stretching out at the edge of the mattress behind Spencer.
He pillowed his head on his hands and closed his eyes.
Spencer made a huffing noise that was either annoyance or laughter and reached behind himself blindly, catching at Jon’s hip and tugging.
He tugged, insistently, until Jon’s body spooned his, chest pressed tight against Spencer’s back, hand on his waist, nose pressed into the fine, feathery hair at the base of Spencer’s neck.
Jon shifted, making himself more comfortable, and moulding himself closer against Spencer in the process. A hand landed on top of his, pressing it down against Spencer’s hipbone a little, and Jon knew it was Ryan, could tell by the cool temperature of the skin, so different from the heat radiating off Spencer.
Gradually they fell back asleep- Spencer first, then Ryan, and Jon felt the rush of cosy sleepiness trickle over him. In the haze between wake and sleep, Jon wondered if they’d do this again, if Brendon returned to being human. Wondered if they could do it again when Brendon did return to normal (because Jon was an eternal optimist and knew that Brendon had to return to normal, couldn’t stay as a koala. It just wasn’t possible).
There was something, Jon thought, as he drifted off, so peaceful and gentle and comfortable about doing this, simply being, cuddling, sleeping with a bunch of people you loved more than you’d ever expected to.
~~~
“Koalas have unusually small brains,” Siska said when Spencer and Jon brought Brendon into one of the TAI rooms.
“Um,” said Spencer. “Okay?”
“Someone,” Mike explained, shooting the Butcher a look, “pointed Sisky towards Wikipedia. He’s been researching koalas all morning.”
“Huh,” Jon said. “Actually, maybe that could be kinda useful.”
“I am full of important koala facts,” Siska said proudly, puffing out his chest a little.
“Where’s Bill?” Spencer asked, glancing around the room. The Butcher helped himself to Brendon, ignoring Spencer’s scowl when Brendon clung to his chest.
“Out,” the Butcher said. “ With Chiz. He, uh, expected you guys would be coming round. And he’s got a bit of a phobia about the K-O-A-L-A.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Brendon’s a koala, he’s not five,” he said. “You don’t have to spell things out over his head. And also, tell me more about this phobia and how we can exploit it for our own amusement.”
The Butcher grinned evilly and leaned in.
“Spence!” Jon interrupted. “I think you should hear this.” He was standing with Siska, looking worried.
“I was just saying,” Siska said, shifting from foot to foot under Spencer’s gaze. “That male koalas reach maturity at 3, maybe 4 years old. And judging by his weight and size, I’d guess Brendon’s around 18 months. 2 years, maybe.”
Spencer stared at him. Then he stared at Brendon, and exchanged a look with Jon.
“Fuck,” he said.
“I know,” Jon sighed. “What if the only way for Brendon to stop being childish is to mature in the form he’s in?”
“Maybe, though,” Mike said, “Brendon’s not like a normal koala. I mean, he wasn’t exactly like a normal boy, right?”
“Maybe,” Spencer said, frowning. “We should go and tell Ryan though. And Pete,” he added reluctantly. Pete was still reacting to the whole situation with far too much hilarity. “Unless there’s anything else helpful you could tell us?”
“Um,” said Siska. “They can catch Chlamydia?”
Spencer stared at him.
“Also,” Siska said, quickly, “Did you know that koalas have fingerprints? So, like, say you wanted to commit a crime and you thought ‘hey, I know, I’ll send Brendon in to snatch that massive diamond from the museum’ you totally couldn’t, because the police would dust for fingerprints and they look very similar to human fingerprints.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Spencer said dryly, holding out his arms to take Brendon back from the Butcher, who had held him for far too long already and was beginning to get a mischievous glint in his eye.
“Wait,” Jon said, folding his arms across his chest and looking thoughtful. “If they look like human fingerprints, then using a koala would be the perfect crime. I mean, assuming that he doesn’t have the same fingerprints he had as a human- and since the rest of him has…changed, I think that’s a safe assumption- then they’d never be able to trace it back to him, and we’d be off with-”
“We’re not robbing any diamond museums,” Spencer said firmly, finally managing to wrestle Brendon away. “I’m taking Brendon for a nap now,” he added. “You’re all bad influences on him. He needs to learn to be less childish to get out of this, remember?”
He headed for the door.
“And they have bifurcated penises!” Siska shouted after him. “Isn’t that cool?”
Spencer left quickly before the lewd comments could begin.
~~~
They lasted a whole day and a half of koala-Brendon before Spencer put his knife and fork carefully together on his plate of half eaten dinner and pushed the plate away.
“That’s it,” he said. “I’ve had enough. I’m sorry Brendon, but…I can’t live like this anymore.”
Ryan exchanged a look with Jon. “Um,” Ryan said. “What do you mean? You’re not…not leaving us are you?” He could hear the slight note of panic in his voice and didn’t try to hide it. Ryan had a sudden vision of life without Spencer, just him and Jon and Brendon the koala. They’d be completely lost. They’d probably be living in cardboard boxes on the streets of Adelaide, being hunted by Animal Welfare. Also Pete might have killed them for breaking up the band.
Spencer shot him a look of pure disbelief. “As if I’d just walk out on you guys,” he said, sounding a little hurt, and Ryan wanted to reach out and hug him, but it was his turn to hold Brendon, who was snuggled tightly against his chest, head right over his heart.
“I’m sick of this,” Spencer said, waving his hand at Brendon. “I miss him, you know?”
Ryan and Jon both nodded.
“And I’m sick of people’s reactions to him,” Spencer added, “Everyone either wants to hold him and play with him like he’s a toy or a puppy or something. Or otherwise they freak out.”
Ryan stifled a smile, thinking back to earlier that day when they’d taken Brendon into Siska and Mike’s room. Bill had been there, and had looked terrified when he’d spotted Brendon. He’d been quite vocal about his phobia of koalas, but no one had been prepared for his reaction when the Butcher tried to force him to hold Brendon.
Bill had shrieked like a little girl and batted at his hair. “He’s tangled in it!” Bill had screamed. “Get him off! Get him off!”
The Butcher had stepped off quickly, but Bill had been inconsolable, and had run from the room, still batting at his hair, screeching “Rabies! Rabies!”
It had been pretty damn funny at the time, but afterwards…well, Ryan had just felt awkward about it. It was one thing to use Brendon to annoy Bill when he could talk and come up with evil plans himself, but using him as a weapon this way was just mean. To Brendon.
“I don’t think we have a choice,” Jon pointed out. “They said he had to learn his lesson.”
Spencer stood up. “I don’t care,” he said, giving them all a fierce look. “I really don’t care. They did this? Then they can fix it. We’re taking him back to that place.”
Ryan stared at him. He watched the determination flash in Spencer’s eyes.
”Okay,” he said, standing up and holding Brendon out. This, he thought, was one of the reasons why he loved Spencer so much. Ryan straightened his shoulders, trying to mimic Spencer’s resolute posture.
“I’ll drive,” Jon said.
~~~
They were lucky, Jon thought, to have a Spencer. Everyone should have a Spencer, although people would be hard pressed to find one as nifty as theirs, who could pretty much demand miracles be performed and they were.
Spencer was always, always, always the one who cleaned up the shit that Jon and the others got into, and his record of sorting things out remained unblemished.
Brendon looked, understandably, a little dazed, squinting into the strong sunlight and yawning. He stumbled a little, as if unused to his long limbs, and Jon saw Spencer put an arm around his waist to steady him.
Brendon slanted his eyes up at him and smiled, hesitantly at first, and then brighter, cuddling into Spencer’s side as they got in the car.
“Remember this,” Spencer said to the others as Jon drove them back to the hotel, catching a glimpse in the rear view mirror of Brendon sliding his arm up Spencer’s chest, fingers curling a little to hang on to the fabric of Spencer’s thin t-shirt.
In the passenger seat beside him, Jon could see Ryan alternating pensive looks between Brendon and the world passing by outside his window.
“Remember,” Spencer continued, a little sanctimoniously, but that was forgivable considering the circumstances, “that I was the one who, as per usual, got us out of this mess.”
Jon snorted, and spotted Spencer’s slow grin. There was no way any of them would be forgetting about this anytime soon, and Spencer knew it. And, Jon predicted, he would be reminding them of this at every possibly opportunity.
Jon still couldn’t get over how Spencer had just marched into the place and demanded they return Brendon to normal. He’d argued and bitched and ranted and raged until the Aboriginal elder had looked so worn down and tired that he’d just nodded and muttered something and waved his hands, and suddenly Jon, who had been holding the koala, had an armful of human Brendon who was looking very, very, confused.
“Thanks so much for teaching us that lesson,” had been Spencer’s parting shot. “We really learned a lot.”
The funny thing was, Jon thought, watching Brendon and Spencer and Ryan carefully, his heart pounding a little with relief and happiness, that they probably had learned something important along the way. Maybe. Even if it was just to keep Brendon away from people with bizarre magical powers.
~~~
The reaction to the arrival of a non-koalified Brendon was somewhat subdued when they burst into one of the Fall Out Boy rooms.
“I’m back!” Brendon announced brightly, throwing his arms wide as if expecting a rush of hugs.
“Yay,” Patrick said dully, and Andy and Joe murmured their agreements.
“Um,” Ryan said, frowning. “Where’s Pete?”
Patrick looked up at him, revealing the platypus he had clutched tightly to his chest.
There was a long moment of silence.
“No way,” Spencer said. “No fucking way. You’re messing with us.”
Andy shook his head. “I wish we were. I really, really, wish we were.”
“What the hell happened?” Jon asked, and the three of them exchanged looks.
“Uh,” Joe said, frowning a little. “We went back to that place that Brendon got…” he paused and waved a hand in Brendon’s direction. “Good to see you back to normal, man,” he added. “Pete said he wanted to congratulate those Aboriginal dudes on getting you to sit quietly and shut up for a day.”
Brendon looked mildly affronted.
“They didn’t take kindly to him treating it like some big joke,” Patrick spoke up, stroking the platypus’s head lightly, looking incredibly distraught. “Said that maybe Pete needed to be taught a lesson too, and that laughing at Brendon clearly showed Pete was in need of some self improvement too. And then…platypus.”
Jon bit his lip. Hard.
“Huh,” Spencer said. “I would have expected, I don’t know, a Tasmanian Devil or something.”
Brendon made a noise of distress and threw himself to the floor beside Patrick, trying to pet Pete.
“I wouldn’t,” Andy warned.
“But he’s so cute!” Brendon said. “Aren’t you, little Petey? Yes you are!”
“No,” Joe said firmly. “You turned into a creature that is cute and cuddly and sits and does nothing all day but eat and climb trees and hold onto people. Pete’s become a freakishly weird looking creature- because of course he’s always got to be unique- and hey, did you know that Platypi are poisonous? Yeah me neither, until Andy pointed it out when we were freaking out and maybe laughing a little and the vicious bastard took a swipe at me. The only person he’ll let hold him is Patrick.”
Patrick’s cheeks flamed pink. “I don’t know why,” he said, hurriedly. “Really, he should be okay with all of you guys too.”
“It might do him some good,” Ryan said, as Brendon pulled back his hand sharply and backed away. “He probably does deserve it.”
Patrick shot him a dirty look and cradled Pete closer.
"Maybe he doesn't mind," Brendon said, narrowing his eyes as he looked at the platypus, as if trying to find a way to pet him without getting injured. "I mean, it wasn’t that bad for me. I kinda liked it. And hey! You could call him Platypete!"
Patrick glared at everyone as they fell around laughing. "I really don't think this is a joking matter," he said, conveniently forgetting his own reaction to Brendon. He bit his lip suddenly and dipped his head to hide his slowly spreading smile. "Fuck," he said. "You know that name's going to stick, right? Pete will not be happy about it."
"That's sort of the point," Jon pointed out, and Patrick attempted to put his hands over the platypus's ears.
“Dude!” Joe exclaimed suddenly, leaning close to Ryan. “You totally cursed him! Remember what you said to him a couple of days ago?”
Ryan gave Joe a level look.
“I, uh, I was totally supportive and willing to help as soon as you had asked,” Joe added quickly. “That mascot thing was just a light hearted joke. Also, I don’t think Patrick could handle it if more than one of us turned into something weird. He’s barely holding up now.”
“Hey!” Patrick protested.
Ryan stared at Patrick for a moment. He really did look incredibly tired, and freaked out, and it had only been a few hours for him.
He decided the need for someone in Fall Out Boy to be reasonably sane was far more important than letting Pete be stuck as a platypus for a few more days.
Ryan fished a piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled directions on it, folding it up and giving it to Joe carefully. “Go, and beg for all you’re worth,” he said. “It worked for us. Except you might need to take Spencer with you. They’re all scared of him. ”
Patrick flashed him a grateful smile.
“Hey, before you get him changed back,” Spencer said, “how about we take him to William and see if he’s scared of platypuses too?
Jon made a sudden strangled noise, and pushed himself up off the bed where he’d been sitting and staring at Pete.
”Where are you going?” Brendon asked, frowning.
Jon paused with his hand on the door handle. “I just realised- have any of you even seen Bill since yesterday? Because he wasn’t exactly welcoming to Brendon as a koala too. Someone should check that he hasn’t been turned into a wombat or anything.”
~~~
Brendon couldn’t sleep. Jon had joked that it was just because Brendon slept so much as a koala, and also made a few comments about how much food Brendon had packed away and how it would result in him losing his girlish figure.
Brendon didn’t think that was it. He also didn’t think his figure was girlish to start with.
It felt alien, suddenly, to be back in his own body, his own skin. It almost felt like he’d been put back wrong. Inside out maybe. Back to front.
He was too cold. His bed was too big. He couldn’t get comfortable.
Eventually Brendon sighed and got up, glancing over at Ryan who had fallen asleep on his back, with one arm across his eyes and his mouth slightly open.
He snored gently.
Brendon smiled. He thought it was cute.
Brendon slipped out of bed and padded across the room in the dark, opening the door quietly, and stepping out into the corridor.
He tapped on the door across from his, quietly at first, then louder when no one answered.
It creaked open a second or two later, revealing Jon blinking at him, the sudden brightness of the hallway light behind Brendon making his pupils narrow to pinpricks.
Jon stared at him for a moment, then he rubbed the back of his neck as he stood aside to let Brendon in.
Brendon hesitated for a moment, then made a beeline for the curled up form that was Spencer. He climbed up onto the bed and slid between the covers, shimmying closer to Spencer. Spencer half woke-up, pulling Brendon in tightly, until Brendon’s head was resting on Spencer’s chest and he could hear Spencer’s heart pounding reassuringly in his ear. Brendon closed his eyes.
Several moments passed. Brendon was almost asleep when there was a sudden rustle of sheets and cold air against his skin as Ryan slipped in behind him, pressing cold feet to Brendon’s calves. And then Jon’s warm hand was on his waist, reaching around from behind Spencer.
Brendon sighed contentedly, feeling warm, finally.
Everything felt completely right again.
Brendon slowly fell asleep.
~~~
“Mail, motherfucker!” the computer announced, and Bill skipped over to open his inbox.
G’day Bill! it read.
We’re all having a fantastic time touring Australia. Don’t know why you swore you’d never come back! I’ve attached a pic of me and Gabe so you can see how much fun we’re having.
See you soon,
V
xxx
Bill rolled his eyes. He’d warned them all, when Cobra Starship had announced they were touring Down Under, that it was a dangerous, dangerous country with many disgustingly evil creatures (Gabe had frowned and said that he’d better not have been insulting snakes, the noblest of all animals). But they’d gone anyway, the foolish, foolish people.
He clicked the link to download the picture. It took a few moments to download.
Bill stared at the screen in horror.
“Oh god,” he shrieked. “No Gabe! Not you too!”
Unable to bear the sight of his friend in such a horrific form, Bill ran off to phone his therapist. And he’d been doing so well with his phobia recovery too...