Fic: Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (Brendon/Spencer)
Title: Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon (Just Let Me Be The One You Carry Deep Inside You)
Pairings: Brendon/Spencer, Brendon/Neil Diamond (unrequited)
Rating: PGish? IDK.
Disclaimer: This is not real. It didn’t happen. So incredibly fictional.
Summary: Spencer had looked up from his phone, where he'd been frowning at a text message (that he wouldn't let Brendon see, that he deleted the moment Brendon made grabby hands at it) and said "You want Neil Diamond to deflower you?"
A/N: For makesomelove. A deflowering fic without any deflowering. Massive thanks to mintyfiend for the betaing and handholding and listening to me go on about this for over a month. Neil Diamond, I am so so so sorry. You are an amazing man and I apologise so much and I hope you never have cause to see this. Title from two songs by, obviously, Neil.
It's not a secret, because a) Brendon isn't very good with keeping secrets, and b) the moment Ryan finds out, he tells Pete who tells pretty much everyone on the label. He gets a few teasing messages and phone calls, but by Decaydance standards, the teasing is pretty low key.
His favourite message is from Ryland: neil diamond o rly? u knw victoria sang w/ him 1ce
Brendon phones VickyT for the rest of the evening, demanding details, phoning back every time she sighs and hangs up on him when he asks her to repeat it all again, until she tells him in a low, threatening voice precisely what parts of his anatomy will be in pain and/or missing if he doesn't let her get some sleep. Brendon stops calling. He's a little bit afraid of VickyT, possibly mainly because she's one of the few girls on the planet he'd go straight for, which is a pretty unusual feeling for him.
He goes to find Spencer instead, repeating everything VickyT had told him, reciting all of her memories of Neil, while Spencer half listens with an amused look on his face.
Spencer never teases him about it, which is refreshing, but also a little strange, because usually Spencer is one of the first to smirk at Brendon and rib him for something in a good-natured way. Ryan sometimes accuses Spencer of pulling Brendon's pigtails, which makes Spencer shoot Ryan dirty looks, and makes Brendon confused, because he doesn't have pigtails (he's tried, stealing some of Keltie's hair elastics she'd left in the bathroom, but his hair wasn't quite long enough. Spencer's probably would be, but Brendon doubts he'd let Brendon do his hair again, and he'd probably get annoyed when Brendon sat and twirled them around his fingers for hours and hours).
Ryan teases Brendon about it a lot, launches into Holly Holy during rehearsal occasionally, watching Brendon's face to get his reaction. But Jon, Jon is the worst. He's the one who Brendon had told, grinning at him through a weed haze, and spilling his deepest secrets from his lips without meaning to, because he felt comfortable with Jon.
And Jon had told Ryan and Ryan had told Pete and Pete had told everyone and then Gabe had told Spencer, which, actually, must've sucked. Brendon hates being the last to know things. Spencer had looked up from his phone, where he'd been frowning at a text message (that he wouldn't let Brendon see, that he deleted the moment Brendon made grabby hands at it) and said "You want Neil Diamond to deflower you?"
Brendon wasn't ashamed of this fact, so he'd shrugged and nodded and said "Yeah," as if Spencer was insane for even considering anything different.
"How can he even deflower you?" Spencer had asked, with that horrible, carefully blank face on that he saved for the worst kind of interviewers. Brendon hated that face, and it confused him, but he'd just been caught out in a lie, so he'd overlooked it at the time, and it was only thinking about it later that he kept focusing on that, on the emotional mask hiding Spencer's face.
"I mean," Spencer had continued, "what about all of those girls? What about your girlfriends?"
"Um," Brendon had said. "I. Uh. I didn't. We never. That's probably why we broke up, to be honest."
"They went around saying you had a tiny dick," Spencer had said, eyes flicking down at Brendon's crotch before moving back to his face.
"Which is a falsehood and a lie and an untruth," Brendon had corrected hastily, and Spencer had nodded, because it wasn't like he hadn't seen Brendon naked a million times by then, what with Brendon's allergy to pants he always seemed to develop on tour buses.
"I didn't want to," Brendon had explained, finally, when he'd realised Spencer was still waiting for an answer.
He's never sure if he's supposed to feel weird about that fact, because most guys his age apparently want to have sex indiscriminately with everything in sight. Brendon doesn’t feel that way. Or, well, he does, sometimes, but he is apparently a complete girl at heart and wants the first time to be special, with someone he loves.
"Fair enough," Spencer had said, and gone back to the magazine he was reading. After a moment or two he'd looked up.
"Neil Diamond?" he'd asked. "Really?"
And Brendon had grinned and launched into his '101 reasons why losing my virginity to Neil would be awesome' list, pleased to have Spencer's full attention, and Spencer had smiled and nodded and not teased him at all.
~~~
Pete gets Brendon two backstage passes for a Neil Diamond concert. They arrive with a note that says "it's about time" in Pete's choppy handwriting.
Brendon freaks out a little.
The thing is, it's not like he ever had a plan. He just wanted Neil to deflower him, but not in that way that pre-teen girls and Ryan Ross wanted Nick Carter to be their first. Not in a creepy way. He's never been sure how to explain it, even to himself, and that's maybe why he's never actively tried to make it happen. He'd just been convinced that, in time, it would happen, when it was right, some chance meeting, kismet, the fates throwing them together.
He hadn't even known that their tour was going to end up in the same town as Neil’s current tour, for a couple of days. Brendon's not even sure if he's ready for this, and so he goes to talk to Spencer, because that's who he always goes to when he needs someone to calm him down, to listen, to help.
Except Spencer takes one look at the passes that Brendon thrusts at him with a desperate, "You have to come with me", picks up his phone and jabs out a message on it a little too forcefully.
The reply comes a minute later when Brendon is explaining to Spencer how nervous he is, how this is it, how he needs Spencer to be there with him (not for the actual sex, he hastily clarifies when Spencer's face darkens a little. Just for the show.), and Spencer glances at his phone.
"Dick," he mutters, throwing his phone to the side, and refuses to accompany Brendon. (Later, Brendon steals it and reads the message, curious who Spencer is mad at. All there is a text from Pete saying, "Your move" and Brendon doesn't understand why that'd make Spencer mad).
Which is another thing Brendon doesn't understand. Because Spencer is the one he can always count on, the one he can always wheedle around to getting his way. Ryan always says Brendon has Spencer wrapped around his little finger, and Spencer always says that Ryan needs to shut the fuck up, but never disagrees. Spencer can be stubborn when he wants to though, and Brendon gives up when Spencer starts ignoring him completely, and goes and curls up next to Jon on the sofa.
“Spencer won’t go with me to get Neil Diamond to deflower me,” he says, and Jon doesn’t look in the least bit surprised by this.
“No,” Jon says, and then agrees to go with Brendon, probably because Brendon gives him his best pout.
Later, Ryan sulks because Brendon didn’t ask him, but Brendon points out that Ryan already had a big superstar to deflower him, and that he can’t have Neil. Ryan scowls and goes off to, presumably, text his superstar, because minutes later Brendon gets a text from Pete that simply says i hear u calld me big ;)
~~~
The show is amazing. It’s everything Brendon had dreamed it would be and more, and he knows if just the concert surpasses his expectations by this much, then the deflowering is probably going to blow his mind.
After the show he grins at the middle-aged women heading for the exit as he brandishes his backstage pass and drags Jon with him. He feels strangely smug as he passes them, knowing so many of them would kill to be in his position.
Backstage, someone with a clipboard accosts them and tells him that Neil is expecting them. Brendon bounces on the balls of his feet and shoots Jon a look that he hopes says, ‘I love you, but please leave?’ and Brendon loves Jon even more than he thought possible when he gives him a salute and a wink and wanders off to talk with some of Neil’s band who’re milling around the backstage area.
Brendon takes a deep breath as he knocks on Neil’s dressing room door, tries to calm his nerves. There are more butterflies in his stomach than he’s ever had before, more than when they’d played their first show ever, more than when Pete had come to listen to them play and their futures had rested on that one moment, more than when he’d watched Ryan and Spencer do that silent conversation thing they did while he waited to learn if they’d let him in the band or not.
“Come in!” a voice- a wonderfully rich voice that Brendon has closed his eyes and listened to more times than he could possibly count- calls and Brendon wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, and pushes open the door.
“Hello Brendon,” Neil says, and Brendon really needs to sit down, so he collapses on the couch beside him and grins.
“You know my name,” he says, and Neil nods.
“I like your band. Your latest album is very good.”
Brendon beams.
“Also I got a call from some guy called Pete Wentz who told me to expect you. He said you have a favour to ask of me. And I’m always happy to help fellow musicians if I can. What is it I can help you with? Did you want to jam, maybe record a song or two together?”
Brendon hesitates, because, actually, that would be absolutely fucking cool, sitting down with a couple of guitars and playing stuff with Neil, getting into a studio with him, maybe even Neil’s own studio (which, actually, might kill Brendon dead if he got to step inside it). But as awesome as it is, he can’t get past the deflowering, how it’s been his dream for as long as he can remember, as long as he’s dreamed about being a singer, being in a band.
“No,” Brendon says. “That would be awesome, seriously, if we could do that. But it’s not what I came to you to ask.”
Neil nods seriously, leaning forward to listen.
“I. I’m a virgin,” Brendon says, and pauses.
“Well,” Neil says, sitting back and studying Brendon. “There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s admirable, particularly for someone in your position- I’m sure the lure of groupies is sometimes hard to resist.”
Brendon makes a face. “No, not really. And yeah, it’s just…I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I think I’m ready to be deflowered.”
“Right,” Neil says slowly. “And do you have a…partner in mind?”
“Yes,” Brendon nods emphatically. “Yeah, I do. Someone I’ve wanted to deflower me for the longest time. I think it’d be special. It’s you, Neil. I want you to deflower me.”
Neil stares at him. “I, uh,” he clears his throat. “Er.”
“Please,” Brendon says, shuffling a little closer. “I really want this. It would be so good. I’m kinda bendy and you could do anything.”
“Brendon,” Neil says kindly.
“Neil,” Brendon interrupts, voice breathy. “You are the words, I am the tune- play me.”
Neil sighs and gives Brendon a fond look. “You don’t really want this. It’s not what you really want, not if you think about it. You don’t know me, Brendon, not really. You might think you do, knowing me through the songs, and maybe, as a fellow musician, you know me a little better than most of my fans. Maybe there’s that modicum more of understanding, but you don’t really know me. I’m not a person you care about, Brendon, I’m an idea. And for your first time, you want to be with someone more than a simple idea.”
“But,” Brendon perseveres. “I’ve dreamed of this day for so long. I want…I want you to make me sing like a guitar humming!”
“Brendon,” Neil pats him on the knee gently. “Don’t worry, you’ll be a man soon. And soon you’ll need a man, the right man, someone who’s not me.”
Brendon flops back against the sofa. “Spencer’s going to laugh at me.”
“Spencer?” Neil asks, and Brendon nods.
“Yeah. He’s our drummer and, well, I guess he’s my best friend. I mean, he and Ryan are best friends, have been their whole lives. And then I sort of show up, so I know that I’m probably not Spencer’s best friend, which is mostly okay, although it makes me sad sometimes. Anyway, he didn’t think coming here was a good idea. He wouldn’t come with me. Which is weird, because he always used to let me tell him all about how I wanted you to deflower me- er, in a non-creepy way of course! But as soon as Pete gave me the tickets so it could actually maybe happen, he got really mad about it and sent Pete a pissy message and-“
“This Spencer,” Neil interrupts. “How do you feel about him?”
Brendon shrugs. “I love him,” he says, matter of fact. “He’s the one person I know I can always depend on, no matter what, and he’ll never turn me away. He puts up with me even when I’m being impossible, even when everyone else has lost all patience. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s sort of my everything…” he trails off and stares at Neil.
“Huh,” he says.
Neil cocks his head to the side. “I think,” he says slowly, “that maybe you’ve already found the person you need to stop you being a solitary man, you just didn’t realise it.”
Brendon frowns. “But. Spencer. He…I don’t know what to do. How do I tell him this, tell him that I have feelings for him, that I want him to be the one, the first?”
“You just open your mouth and let the words come,” Neil says. “Tell him how you love him so much you can’t count all the ways you’d die for him. Tell him that he shines with his own kind of light, how when he looks at you once it makes a day that’s so wrong look alright. Tell him that you dream only of him, that he is where you are, what you are, what you believe in.”
Brendon jumps to his feet, a strange feeling of rightness washing over him.
“Thank you,” he says. “Thank you for not deflowering me and for pointing me in the right direction.”
Neil laughs. “Anytime. Thank you for coming to see me.”
“Do you-" Brendon starts, and then stops, suddenly shy.
“What?” Neil presses gently.
“We’re performing here tomorrow night,” Brendon explains. “And I know you’re doing another show. I just thought. I mean. Maybe you’d like to come and see us play, and meet Spencer? Your show finishes early enough that you could come over and see us. And maybe we could talk about some sort of collaboration? If you still wanted to. After all this.”
“It would be a pleasure,” Neil says warmly and offers Brendon his hand to shake, then gives a surprised chuckle when Brendon darts in for a brief but tight hug that makes Brendon slightly wistful at the lack of deflowering because Neil is still a handsome and in shape man. Then he thinks of Spencer and how amazing it’s going to be, with someone he loves and realises that it was fate that brought him and Neil together, just for a different purpose than he’d planned.
Neil shows Brendon to the door, where he finds Jon waiting, slouched against the wall.
Brendon gives him a shocked look. “I could have been having sex in there, and you’re standing around waiting?”
Jon grins that slow lazy grin of his, the one that means he knows something you don’t, and winks. “I had a good feeling I wasn’t going to be overhearing anything X-rated,” he says, and Brendon wants to make a disapproving face at him, but he can’t help the grin that spreads across his face as he grabs Jon’s arm and drags him off in what is hopefully an exit-wards direction.
“I’m in love with Spencer!” Brendon announces.
“No shit!” Jon says, not sounding surprised at all, which makes Brendon wonder if everyone knows he’s in love with Spencer. He wonders if Spencer already knows, if this is going to be easier than he’d thought. He can’t wait to get back to the bus.
He’s still feeling a little dazed from his epiphany when they get back to the tour bus, enough so that Jon has to steer him up the steps.
Ryan and Spencer are sitting in the front lounge. Ryan is curled around a book, and Spencer has a magazine open in his lap, but doesn’t appear to be reading it. He looks down and flips a page when Brendon stumbles onto the bus.
“Hi!” Brendon says, and Ryan raises an eyebrow at him, then lets his gaze slide past to Jon. Brendon catches Jon’s answering smirk and gives him a questioning look. “Hi Spencer!” Brendon says brightly, and Spencer calmly turns another page.
“Hello Brendon,” he says evenly, and Brendon stops and frowns.
“Spencer,” he says. “Spencer I need to tell you about my night. I had an epiphany! An epiphany, Spencer. And I need to tell you all about it.”
Spencer makes an hmph sort of noise, and Brendon throws himself down, half on the seat, half on top of Spencer.
Spencer pushes him off. “Jesus, fuck off, Brendon,” Spencer says, getting up and throwing his magazine down hard enough that it slides to the floor. Brendon watches the brightly coloured pages flutter until it falls still and then gets up to follow him.
“I said fuck off,” Spencer yells without turning around, and Brendon sinks back down.
“What’s wrong with Spencer?” he asks, and Ryan gives a longsuffering sigh and looks past Brendon at Jon.
“No idea,” Jon says, with a smirk that Brendon thinks suggests he does have an idea, he’s just not telling.
Brendon pouts and curls himself up into a ball, thinking about what Neil had said, what they’d talked about. He thinks about Spencer.
~~~
Spencer avoids Brendon all the next day, and barely even looks at him during sound check. Brendon watches with a frown when Spencer disappears as soon as they’re done, and Jon and Ryan just shrug and exchange looks that Brendon can’t decipher over his head.
Brendon follows Spencer back to the bus, and sits on the floor next to Spencer’s bunk quietly until Spencer pulls back the curtain with a sigh.
“I don’t want to hear about last night,” Spencer says firmly and Brendon closes his mouth.
“But,” Brendon says. “It’s really important. I need to tell you what happened.”
Spencer lays his head back on his pillow and pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.
“Brendon,” he says after a moment. “I. I’ll listen. I promise. Just not today, please. The next time we have a day off. You can tell me every sordid detail then, if you must. But not tonight, not when we have a show.”
Brendon gives Spencer a considering look, then nods. “Okay,” he says. “But when I tell you, and you ask me why I didn’t tell you sooner, don’t blame me.”
Spencer laughs, but it sounds forced, like he’s not really amused, and so Brendon pulls a face until Spencer smiles for real.
“Come and watch TV with me,” Brendon says, and grabs Spencer’s hand to tug him from the bunk. Brendon’s been thinking about Spencer a lot, about being with him, touching him, since his revelation, and he’d expected it to feel different. Except it doesn’t. It takes Brendon awhile to realise why, and when he does, when it hits him just how long he’s been obliviously in love with Spencer, he goes very still and just stares at Spencer.
“What?” Spencer says, nudging at Brendon with his shoulder. “I thought you wanted to watch TV?”
“Hmm?” Brendon says, “Oh. Yeah. Yes. Um. Let’s.”
They sit side by side on the sofa and watch some trashy teen drama and Spencer makes bitchy comments and Brendon laughs at all the semi-witty one liners and watches Spencer out of the corner of his eye, and thinks about how he can’t wait to tell Spencer how he feels. Their next day off is in three days and Brendon’s not sure if he can wait that long, not with Spencer’s arm brushing against his as they leave the bus and head back inside as the support act are finishing up.
Neil Diamond is standing in the wings, listening to the band on stage with a considering look on his face.
“Not bad,” he says when Brendon approaches and hugs him tightly, even though he’s probably not supposed to.
“You came!” Brendon exclaims, and Neil chuckles and pats his back a little awkwardly, eyes sliding past Brendon when he pulls away.
“Oh, hey,” Brendon says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Neil, this is Spencer.”
“Ah,” Neil says, exchanging a grin with Brendon. “Spencer. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He holds out a hand and there’s a beat before Spencer takes it, briefly.
“Not as much as I’ve heard about you,” Spencer says, a hint of something almost bitter in his voice that makes Brendon frown. He opens his mouth to ask Spencer if he’s okay, but he’s interrupted by Ryan going, “oh my god, Neil Diamond!” as he and Jon hurry over.
By the time their equipment has been set up onstage and the crowd is starting to chant their name, which is something Brendon not so secretly loves to hear, Ryan has gotten Neil to definitely promise to record something, anything with them at some point in the future, and Jon is just grinning widely at Ryan and Brendon’s excited chatter. Neil is laughing and telling Ryan again that, yes, he really did like the imagery in ‘She Had The World’.
Brendon glances over at Spencer at one point, who is leaning against the wall and watching them all with a dark look on his face that quickly disappears when he notices Brendon watching him.
“Right,” Spencer says, pushing away from the wall. “Show time, guys!”
Ryan opens his mouth to protest, but Spencer frowns at him as the lights go down, and they run on stage.
It’s a good show, Brendon thinks. All of them seem to be wanting to play their best, and Spencer is really into the music, because his eyes are always closed, head turned away from Brendon whenever Brendon turns to play at him.
Neil gives Brendon a thumbs up when they come off stage, sweat running down his back. Brendon grabs a towel and mops at his brow quickly before grabbing an acoustic and heading back out. He brushes against Spencer as he does, and Spencer shoots him an unguarded smile that makes Brendon feel a little dizzy.
“This is the part where I give the guys a break and play Time to Dance,” Brendon announces to the audience, and they all cheer and someone shouts out “Wedding!” and a titter of laughter runs through the crowd.
“I thought I’d do something different tonight though,” Brendon continues, and strums the guitar. He knows it’s cheesy, but he can’t help it as he launches into ‘I Am…I Said’, throwing one swift glance over to the side of the stage, where Spencer is standing, arms crossed across his chest, hair in his eyes, beside Neil.
The room is mostly silent- Brendon suspects more than half the crowd have no idea what song he’s singing, but all he cares about is that one person knows why he’s singing it.
When he’s finished he pauses, waits for the applause to die down, and then the rest of the band are back and onstage.
After the last encore they go back to the dressing room. There’s a lot of people around tonight- some kids who won a competition to come backstage and Brendon smiles and signs things and poses for pictures, but he itches to find Neil, to see what he thought of their set, to find Spencer and to see that bright, exhausted, post show smile.
Neither of them are around, so Brendon heads back to the stage. Spencer likes to check it once their gear’s been packed and loaded, to make sure nothing is left behind. Brendon loves that about Spencer, how he’s always looking out for them all, always has been. Always will be.
It’s quiet now, now that the crowds of fans have gone home, merchandise and memories clutched tightly to their chests, and everyone else is celebrating a great show so Brendon is on his own as he walks through the darkened corridors.
As he approaches the stage, he can hear voices.
“…Brendon seems like a good kid,” he hears someone- Neil, Brendon realises- say, and Brendon knows he’s supposed to bristle at that, but before he can even consider whether it’s an insult or not, he hears Spencer’s voice, clipped and angry.
“Yeah,” Spencer agrees. “He’s a kid. Which means you shouldn’t take advantage of him.’
There’s a pause. “Didn’t Brendon tell you what happened when he came to see me?” Neil asks after a moment.
“No,” Spencer says, and he sounds really mad. “I think it’s disgusting, you going around with your- your- ‘Brother Pervert’s Travelling Deflowering Show’.”
Brendon steps into view just in time to see Neil stare at Spencer in surprise, and then start laughing.
Spencer’s eyes are narrowing, which Brendon knows isn’t a good sign.
“Spence,” he says, and they both turn to look at him, Neil wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.
“He didn’t deflower me,” Brendon says. “I can’t believe you’d think that.”
Spencer gapes at him. “You can’t believe I’d think that? Yeah, you’re right, it’s totally not a logical assumption since you’ve been going on approximately forever about how Neil was going to be your first, how you wanted him to deflower you. And then you go and see him and you come back and you’re all…all glowy and shit and you tell me you’re happy because you’ve had an ‘epiphany’,” Spencer makes quotation marks in the air and then crosses his arms.
“Oh,” Brendon says, biting his lip. “I guess. I guess I can see where you may have become confused. But. Spencer. My epiphany. It was about you.”
“Me?” Spencer says, sounding confused.
“I want to fly,” Brendon says earnestly. “And you make me feel like I could.”
Behind Spencer, Brendon sees Neil nod approvingly before he turns and slips away.
Spencer stares at Brendon, and the softness that had swept over his expression disappears as he narrows his eyes. “You. Did you just quote Neil Diamond lyrics at me?”
Brendon shifts from one foot to the other. “No?” he answers and Spencer folds his arms across his chest.
“Spencer,” Brendon starts, and then stops. He doesn’t know where to start, how to say the right thing. But Neil had said to just open his mouth and let the words speak for him, and so he does.
“Do you know why I didn’t sleep with Neil? I mean, besides the fact that he didn’t want to and thought I was a little nuts? Because I was thinking about you. I couldn’t help but think about you, how you’d been all pissy with me and I hadn’t known why, and how I wished you were there with me. And it took me awhile to realise that I didn’t mean ‘there with me’ as moral support. I meant ‘there with me’ as in, the one I was asking.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything and Brendon frowns.
“Do you understand what I mean?” Brendon asks, shifting nervously. “I didn’t want Neil. Or anyone else. I want you.”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. “I understand. Are you. Are you sure?”
Brendon nods, and then goes very still. It hasn’t occurred to him until this moment that there’s a possibility Spencer might not feel the same, that Brendon’s epiphany might not be as exciting to him as it is for Brendon.
“It’s okay,” Brendon says quietly. “You don’t have to. I mean. I don’t want you to feel that you-”
“Why do you think I was so pissed off?” Spencer asks, raising an eyebrow. He doesn’t move closer, but then again he doesn’t move away when Brendon takes one hesitant step, and then another, towards him.
“I…don’t know,” Brendon says, even though he thinks he does. Hopes he does.
Spencer cocks his head to the side, giving Brendon a considering look. “It’s possible,” he says slowly. “That I was jealous. That the idea of Neil touching you, getting to kiss you, getting to be the first to fuck you, made me feel sick, made my heart hurt, made me want to punch things.”
“He didn’t,” Brendon says, moving even closer until he can feel Spencer’s slow exhale against his cheek. “I swear.”
Spencer nods. “I know. I believe you.”
“So,” Brendon asks. “Are you saying that you maybe love me too?” He knows it’s a cheat’s way of saying it first, but it’s said, it’s out there. He waits for Spencer’s response, holding his breath without realising he is.
“What I’m saying,” Spencer says, “is all that I see is the way that you made me smile.”
“Spencer!” Brendon says, leaning back to smile up at him. “Did you just quote Neil at me?”
Spencer shrugs and kisses him, just lightly, enough to make Brendon lick his lips and hum when Spencer pulls away.
“You, um, want to go somewhere and be my first?” Brendon asks, and Spencer’s hands, that had been resting on Brendon’s hips, fall away.
“Brendon,” Spencer frowns at him. “You don’t have to do it just because Pete tells you it’s time.”
“It’s not because-“
“Don’t let them make up your mind,” Spencer interrupts. “Don’t worry, Brendon. You’ll be a woman soon.”
Brendon scowls. “That’s really annoying,” he says, and Spencer smirks.
“I know,” Spencer says pointedly. “I mean it though. We don’t have to rush into anything. There’s no time limit on this. On us. We can take our time. Get to know each other.”
“I’ve known you for five years,” Brendon points out, and Spencer laughs.
“It’s not the same thing. I want us to go on dates and learn to be together, instead of just two individuals fucking. This should be done right. And I think we should wait until you’re ready.”
Brendon lifts his head and brushes his lips against Spencer’s. “What if I say I’m ready now?”
Spencer sighs, but he’s grinning. “Let me have at least one date before you put out. You don’t want me to think you’re easy, do you?”
Brendon presses his smile against Spencer’s neck. “Maybe,” he says. “Dates sound fun though.”
“It’s going to be great,” Spencer tells him, pulling away. Brendon misses the press of Spencer’s body immediately, but then there are hands, touching hands, reaching out, and they walk through the now empty venue together. “Really great,” Spencer adds, emphatically, and Brendon smiles.
“So good! So good!” he says under his breath, laughing when Spencer rolls his eyes.
Pairings: Brendon/Spencer, Brendon/Neil Diamond (unrequited)
Rating: PGish? IDK.
Disclaimer: This is not real. It didn’t happen. So incredibly fictional.
Summary: Spencer had looked up from his phone, where he'd been frowning at a text message (that he wouldn't let Brendon see, that he deleted the moment Brendon made grabby hands at it) and said "You want Neil Diamond to deflower you?"
A/N: For makesomelove. A deflowering fic without any deflowering. Massive thanks to mintyfiend for the betaing and handholding and listening to me go on about this for over a month. Neil Diamond, I am so so so sorry. You are an amazing man and I apologise so much and I hope you never have cause to see this. Title from two songs by, obviously, Neil.
It's not a secret, because a) Brendon isn't very good with keeping secrets, and b) the moment Ryan finds out, he tells Pete who tells pretty much everyone on the label. He gets a few teasing messages and phone calls, but by Decaydance standards, the teasing is pretty low key.
His favourite message is from Ryland: neil diamond o rly? u knw victoria sang w/ him 1ce
Brendon phones VickyT for the rest of the evening, demanding details, phoning back every time she sighs and hangs up on him when he asks her to repeat it all again, until she tells him in a low, threatening voice precisely what parts of his anatomy will be in pain and/or missing if he doesn't let her get some sleep. Brendon stops calling. He's a little bit afraid of VickyT, possibly mainly because she's one of the few girls on the planet he'd go straight for, which is a pretty unusual feeling for him.
He goes to find Spencer instead, repeating everything VickyT had told him, reciting all of her memories of Neil, while Spencer half listens with an amused look on his face.
Spencer never teases him about it, which is refreshing, but also a little strange, because usually Spencer is one of the first to smirk at Brendon and rib him for something in a good-natured way. Ryan sometimes accuses Spencer of pulling Brendon's pigtails, which makes Spencer shoot Ryan dirty looks, and makes Brendon confused, because he doesn't have pigtails (he's tried, stealing some of Keltie's hair elastics she'd left in the bathroom, but his hair wasn't quite long enough. Spencer's probably would be, but Brendon doubts he'd let Brendon do his hair again, and he'd probably get annoyed when Brendon sat and twirled them around his fingers for hours and hours).
Ryan teases Brendon about it a lot, launches into Holly Holy during rehearsal occasionally, watching Brendon's face to get his reaction. But Jon, Jon is the worst. He's the one who Brendon had told, grinning at him through a weed haze, and spilling his deepest secrets from his lips without meaning to, because he felt comfortable with Jon.
And Jon had told Ryan and Ryan had told Pete and Pete had told everyone and then Gabe had told Spencer, which, actually, must've sucked. Brendon hates being the last to know things. Spencer had looked up from his phone, where he'd been frowning at a text message (that he wouldn't let Brendon see, that he deleted the moment Brendon made grabby hands at it) and said "You want Neil Diamond to deflower you?"
Brendon wasn't ashamed of this fact, so he'd shrugged and nodded and said "Yeah," as if Spencer was insane for even considering anything different.
"How can he even deflower you?" Spencer had asked, with that horrible, carefully blank face on that he saved for the worst kind of interviewers. Brendon hated that face, and it confused him, but he'd just been caught out in a lie, so he'd overlooked it at the time, and it was only thinking about it later that he kept focusing on that, on the emotional mask hiding Spencer's face.
"I mean," Spencer had continued, "what about all of those girls? What about your girlfriends?"
"Um," Brendon had said. "I. Uh. I didn't. We never. That's probably why we broke up, to be honest."
"They went around saying you had a tiny dick," Spencer had said, eyes flicking down at Brendon's crotch before moving back to his face.
"Which is a falsehood and a lie and an untruth," Brendon had corrected hastily, and Spencer had nodded, because it wasn't like he hadn't seen Brendon naked a million times by then, what with Brendon's allergy to pants he always seemed to develop on tour buses.
"I didn't want to," Brendon had explained, finally, when he'd realised Spencer was still waiting for an answer.
He's never sure if he's supposed to feel weird about that fact, because most guys his age apparently want to have sex indiscriminately with everything in sight. Brendon doesn’t feel that way. Or, well, he does, sometimes, but he is apparently a complete girl at heart and wants the first time to be special, with someone he loves.
"Fair enough," Spencer had said, and gone back to the magazine he was reading. After a moment or two he'd looked up.
"Neil Diamond?" he'd asked. "Really?"
And Brendon had grinned and launched into his '101 reasons why losing my virginity to Neil would be awesome' list, pleased to have Spencer's full attention, and Spencer had smiled and nodded and not teased him at all.
~~~
Pete gets Brendon two backstage passes for a Neil Diamond concert. They arrive with a note that says "it's about time" in Pete's choppy handwriting.
Brendon freaks out a little.
The thing is, it's not like he ever had a plan. He just wanted Neil to deflower him, but not in that way that pre-teen girls and Ryan Ross wanted Nick Carter to be their first. Not in a creepy way. He's never been sure how to explain it, even to himself, and that's maybe why he's never actively tried to make it happen. He'd just been convinced that, in time, it would happen, when it was right, some chance meeting, kismet, the fates throwing them together.
He hadn't even known that their tour was going to end up in the same town as Neil’s current tour, for a couple of days. Brendon's not even sure if he's ready for this, and so he goes to talk to Spencer, because that's who he always goes to when he needs someone to calm him down, to listen, to help.
Except Spencer takes one look at the passes that Brendon thrusts at him with a desperate, "You have to come with me", picks up his phone and jabs out a message on it a little too forcefully.
The reply comes a minute later when Brendon is explaining to Spencer how nervous he is, how this is it, how he needs Spencer to be there with him (not for the actual sex, he hastily clarifies when Spencer's face darkens a little. Just for the show.), and Spencer glances at his phone.
"Dick," he mutters, throwing his phone to the side, and refuses to accompany Brendon. (Later, Brendon steals it and reads the message, curious who Spencer is mad at. All there is a text from Pete saying, "Your move" and Brendon doesn't understand why that'd make Spencer mad).
Which is another thing Brendon doesn't understand. Because Spencer is the one he can always count on, the one he can always wheedle around to getting his way. Ryan always says Brendon has Spencer wrapped around his little finger, and Spencer always says that Ryan needs to shut the fuck up, but never disagrees. Spencer can be stubborn when he wants to though, and Brendon gives up when Spencer starts ignoring him completely, and goes and curls up next to Jon on the sofa.
“Spencer won’t go with me to get Neil Diamond to deflower me,” he says, and Jon doesn’t look in the least bit surprised by this.
“No,” Jon says, and then agrees to go with Brendon, probably because Brendon gives him his best pout.
Later, Ryan sulks because Brendon didn’t ask him, but Brendon points out that Ryan already had a big superstar to deflower him, and that he can’t have Neil. Ryan scowls and goes off to, presumably, text his superstar, because minutes later Brendon gets a text from Pete that simply says i hear u calld me big ;)
~~~
The show is amazing. It’s everything Brendon had dreamed it would be and more, and he knows if just the concert surpasses his expectations by this much, then the deflowering is probably going to blow his mind.
After the show he grins at the middle-aged women heading for the exit as he brandishes his backstage pass and drags Jon with him. He feels strangely smug as he passes them, knowing so many of them would kill to be in his position.
Backstage, someone with a clipboard accosts them and tells him that Neil is expecting them. Brendon bounces on the balls of his feet and shoots Jon a look that he hopes says, ‘I love you, but please leave?’ and Brendon loves Jon even more than he thought possible when he gives him a salute and a wink and wanders off to talk with some of Neil’s band who’re milling around the backstage area.
Brendon takes a deep breath as he knocks on Neil’s dressing room door, tries to calm his nerves. There are more butterflies in his stomach than he’s ever had before, more than when they’d played their first show ever, more than when Pete had come to listen to them play and their futures had rested on that one moment, more than when he’d watched Ryan and Spencer do that silent conversation thing they did while he waited to learn if they’d let him in the band or not.
“Come in!” a voice- a wonderfully rich voice that Brendon has closed his eyes and listened to more times than he could possibly count- calls and Brendon wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans, and pushes open the door.
“Hello Brendon,” Neil says, and Brendon really needs to sit down, so he collapses on the couch beside him and grins.
“You know my name,” he says, and Neil nods.
“I like your band. Your latest album is very good.”
Brendon beams.
“Also I got a call from some guy called Pete Wentz who told me to expect you. He said you have a favour to ask of me. And I’m always happy to help fellow musicians if I can. What is it I can help you with? Did you want to jam, maybe record a song or two together?”
Brendon hesitates, because, actually, that would be absolutely fucking cool, sitting down with a couple of guitars and playing stuff with Neil, getting into a studio with him, maybe even Neil’s own studio (which, actually, might kill Brendon dead if he got to step inside it). But as awesome as it is, he can’t get past the deflowering, how it’s been his dream for as long as he can remember, as long as he’s dreamed about being a singer, being in a band.
“No,” Brendon says. “That would be awesome, seriously, if we could do that. But it’s not what I came to you to ask.”
Neil nods seriously, leaning forward to listen.
“I. I’m a virgin,” Brendon says, and pauses.
“Well,” Neil says, sitting back and studying Brendon. “There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s admirable, particularly for someone in your position- I’m sure the lure of groupies is sometimes hard to resist.”
Brendon makes a face. “No, not really. And yeah, it’s just…I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I think I’m ready to be deflowered.”
“Right,” Neil says slowly. “And do you have a…partner in mind?”
“Yes,” Brendon nods emphatically. “Yeah, I do. Someone I’ve wanted to deflower me for the longest time. I think it’d be special. It’s you, Neil. I want you to deflower me.”
Neil stares at him. “I, uh,” he clears his throat. “Er.”
“Please,” Brendon says, shuffling a little closer. “I really want this. It would be so good. I’m kinda bendy and you could do anything.”
“Brendon,” Neil says kindly.
“Neil,” Brendon interrupts, voice breathy. “You are the words, I am the tune- play me.”
Neil sighs and gives Brendon a fond look. “You don’t really want this. It’s not what you really want, not if you think about it. You don’t know me, Brendon, not really. You might think you do, knowing me through the songs, and maybe, as a fellow musician, you know me a little better than most of my fans. Maybe there’s that modicum more of understanding, but you don’t really know me. I’m not a person you care about, Brendon, I’m an idea. And for your first time, you want to be with someone more than a simple idea.”
“But,” Brendon perseveres. “I’ve dreamed of this day for so long. I want…I want you to make me sing like a guitar humming!”
“Brendon,” Neil pats him on the knee gently. “Don’t worry, you’ll be a man soon. And soon you’ll need a man, the right man, someone who’s not me.”
Brendon flops back against the sofa. “Spencer’s going to laugh at me.”
“Spencer?” Neil asks, and Brendon nods.
“Yeah. He’s our drummer and, well, I guess he’s my best friend. I mean, he and Ryan are best friends, have been their whole lives. And then I sort of show up, so I know that I’m probably not Spencer’s best friend, which is mostly okay, although it makes me sad sometimes. Anyway, he didn’t think coming here was a good idea. He wouldn’t come with me. Which is weird, because he always used to let me tell him all about how I wanted you to deflower me- er, in a non-creepy way of course! But as soon as Pete gave me the tickets so it could actually maybe happen, he got really mad about it and sent Pete a pissy message and-“
“This Spencer,” Neil interrupts. “How do you feel about him?”
Brendon shrugs. “I love him,” he says, matter of fact. “He’s the one person I know I can always depend on, no matter what, and he’ll never turn me away. He puts up with me even when I’m being impossible, even when everyone else has lost all patience. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s sort of my everything…” he trails off and stares at Neil.
“Huh,” he says.
Neil cocks his head to the side. “I think,” he says slowly, “that maybe you’ve already found the person you need to stop you being a solitary man, you just didn’t realise it.”
Brendon frowns. “But. Spencer. He…I don’t know what to do. How do I tell him this, tell him that I have feelings for him, that I want him to be the one, the first?”
“You just open your mouth and let the words come,” Neil says. “Tell him how you love him so much you can’t count all the ways you’d die for him. Tell him that he shines with his own kind of light, how when he looks at you once it makes a day that’s so wrong look alright. Tell him that you dream only of him, that he is where you are, what you are, what you believe in.”
Brendon jumps to his feet, a strange feeling of rightness washing over him.
“Thank you,” he says. “Thank you for not deflowering me and for pointing me in the right direction.”
Neil laughs. “Anytime. Thank you for coming to see me.”
“Do you-" Brendon starts, and then stops, suddenly shy.
“What?” Neil presses gently.
“We’re performing here tomorrow night,” Brendon explains. “And I know you’re doing another show. I just thought. I mean. Maybe you’d like to come and see us play, and meet Spencer? Your show finishes early enough that you could come over and see us. And maybe we could talk about some sort of collaboration? If you still wanted to. After all this.”
“It would be a pleasure,” Neil says warmly and offers Brendon his hand to shake, then gives a surprised chuckle when Brendon darts in for a brief but tight hug that makes Brendon slightly wistful at the lack of deflowering because Neil is still a handsome and in shape man. Then he thinks of Spencer and how amazing it’s going to be, with someone he loves and realises that it was fate that brought him and Neil together, just for a different purpose than he’d planned.
Neil shows Brendon to the door, where he finds Jon waiting, slouched against the wall.
Brendon gives him a shocked look. “I could have been having sex in there, and you’re standing around waiting?”
Jon grins that slow lazy grin of his, the one that means he knows something you don’t, and winks. “I had a good feeling I wasn’t going to be overhearing anything X-rated,” he says, and Brendon wants to make a disapproving face at him, but he can’t help the grin that spreads across his face as he grabs Jon’s arm and drags him off in what is hopefully an exit-wards direction.
“I’m in love with Spencer!” Brendon announces.
“No shit!” Jon says, not sounding surprised at all, which makes Brendon wonder if everyone knows he’s in love with Spencer. He wonders if Spencer already knows, if this is going to be easier than he’d thought. He can’t wait to get back to the bus.
He’s still feeling a little dazed from his epiphany when they get back to the tour bus, enough so that Jon has to steer him up the steps.
Ryan and Spencer are sitting in the front lounge. Ryan is curled around a book, and Spencer has a magazine open in his lap, but doesn’t appear to be reading it. He looks down and flips a page when Brendon stumbles onto the bus.
“Hi!” Brendon says, and Ryan raises an eyebrow at him, then lets his gaze slide past to Jon. Brendon catches Jon’s answering smirk and gives him a questioning look. “Hi Spencer!” Brendon says brightly, and Spencer calmly turns another page.
“Hello Brendon,” he says evenly, and Brendon stops and frowns.
“Spencer,” he says. “Spencer I need to tell you about my night. I had an epiphany! An epiphany, Spencer. And I need to tell you all about it.”
Spencer makes an hmph sort of noise, and Brendon throws himself down, half on the seat, half on top of Spencer.
Spencer pushes him off. “Jesus, fuck off, Brendon,” Spencer says, getting up and throwing his magazine down hard enough that it slides to the floor. Brendon watches the brightly coloured pages flutter until it falls still and then gets up to follow him.
“I said fuck off,” Spencer yells without turning around, and Brendon sinks back down.
“What’s wrong with Spencer?” he asks, and Ryan gives a longsuffering sigh and looks past Brendon at Jon.
“No idea,” Jon says, with a smirk that Brendon thinks suggests he does have an idea, he’s just not telling.
Brendon pouts and curls himself up into a ball, thinking about what Neil had said, what they’d talked about. He thinks about Spencer.
~~~
Spencer avoids Brendon all the next day, and barely even looks at him during sound check. Brendon watches with a frown when Spencer disappears as soon as they’re done, and Jon and Ryan just shrug and exchange looks that Brendon can’t decipher over his head.
Brendon follows Spencer back to the bus, and sits on the floor next to Spencer’s bunk quietly until Spencer pulls back the curtain with a sigh.
“I don’t want to hear about last night,” Spencer says firmly and Brendon closes his mouth.
“But,” Brendon says. “It’s really important. I need to tell you what happened.”
Spencer lays his head back on his pillow and pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.
“Brendon,” he says after a moment. “I. I’ll listen. I promise. Just not today, please. The next time we have a day off. You can tell me every sordid detail then, if you must. But not tonight, not when we have a show.”
Brendon gives Spencer a considering look, then nods. “Okay,” he says. “But when I tell you, and you ask me why I didn’t tell you sooner, don’t blame me.”
Spencer laughs, but it sounds forced, like he’s not really amused, and so Brendon pulls a face until Spencer smiles for real.
“Come and watch TV with me,” Brendon says, and grabs Spencer’s hand to tug him from the bunk. Brendon’s been thinking about Spencer a lot, about being with him, touching him, since his revelation, and he’d expected it to feel different. Except it doesn’t. It takes Brendon awhile to realise why, and when he does, when it hits him just how long he’s been obliviously in love with Spencer, he goes very still and just stares at Spencer.
“What?” Spencer says, nudging at Brendon with his shoulder. “I thought you wanted to watch TV?”
“Hmm?” Brendon says, “Oh. Yeah. Yes. Um. Let’s.”
They sit side by side on the sofa and watch some trashy teen drama and Spencer makes bitchy comments and Brendon laughs at all the semi-witty one liners and watches Spencer out of the corner of his eye, and thinks about how he can’t wait to tell Spencer how he feels. Their next day off is in three days and Brendon’s not sure if he can wait that long, not with Spencer’s arm brushing against his as they leave the bus and head back inside as the support act are finishing up.
Neil Diamond is standing in the wings, listening to the band on stage with a considering look on his face.
“Not bad,” he says when Brendon approaches and hugs him tightly, even though he’s probably not supposed to.
“You came!” Brendon exclaims, and Neil chuckles and pats his back a little awkwardly, eyes sliding past Brendon when he pulls away.
“Oh, hey,” Brendon says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Neil, this is Spencer.”
“Ah,” Neil says, exchanging a grin with Brendon. “Spencer. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He holds out a hand and there’s a beat before Spencer takes it, briefly.
“Not as much as I’ve heard about you,” Spencer says, a hint of something almost bitter in his voice that makes Brendon frown. He opens his mouth to ask Spencer if he’s okay, but he’s interrupted by Ryan going, “oh my god, Neil Diamond!” as he and Jon hurry over.
By the time their equipment has been set up onstage and the crowd is starting to chant their name, which is something Brendon not so secretly loves to hear, Ryan has gotten Neil to definitely promise to record something, anything with them at some point in the future, and Jon is just grinning widely at Ryan and Brendon’s excited chatter. Neil is laughing and telling Ryan again that, yes, he really did like the imagery in ‘She Had The World’.
Brendon glances over at Spencer at one point, who is leaning against the wall and watching them all with a dark look on his face that quickly disappears when he notices Brendon watching him.
“Right,” Spencer says, pushing away from the wall. “Show time, guys!”
Ryan opens his mouth to protest, but Spencer frowns at him as the lights go down, and they run on stage.
It’s a good show, Brendon thinks. All of them seem to be wanting to play their best, and Spencer is really into the music, because his eyes are always closed, head turned away from Brendon whenever Brendon turns to play at him.
Neil gives Brendon a thumbs up when they come off stage, sweat running down his back. Brendon grabs a towel and mops at his brow quickly before grabbing an acoustic and heading back out. He brushes against Spencer as he does, and Spencer shoots him an unguarded smile that makes Brendon feel a little dizzy.
“This is the part where I give the guys a break and play Time to Dance,” Brendon announces to the audience, and they all cheer and someone shouts out “Wedding!” and a titter of laughter runs through the crowd.
“I thought I’d do something different tonight though,” Brendon continues, and strums the guitar. He knows it’s cheesy, but he can’t help it as he launches into ‘I Am…I Said’, throwing one swift glance over to the side of the stage, where Spencer is standing, arms crossed across his chest, hair in his eyes, beside Neil.
The room is mostly silent- Brendon suspects more than half the crowd have no idea what song he’s singing, but all he cares about is that one person knows why he’s singing it.
When he’s finished he pauses, waits for the applause to die down, and then the rest of the band are back and onstage.
After the last encore they go back to the dressing room. There’s a lot of people around tonight- some kids who won a competition to come backstage and Brendon smiles and signs things and poses for pictures, but he itches to find Neil, to see what he thought of their set, to find Spencer and to see that bright, exhausted, post show smile.
Neither of them are around, so Brendon heads back to the stage. Spencer likes to check it once their gear’s been packed and loaded, to make sure nothing is left behind. Brendon loves that about Spencer, how he’s always looking out for them all, always has been. Always will be.
It’s quiet now, now that the crowds of fans have gone home, merchandise and memories clutched tightly to their chests, and everyone else is celebrating a great show so Brendon is on his own as he walks through the darkened corridors.
As he approaches the stage, he can hear voices.
“…Brendon seems like a good kid,” he hears someone- Neil, Brendon realises- say, and Brendon knows he’s supposed to bristle at that, but before he can even consider whether it’s an insult or not, he hears Spencer’s voice, clipped and angry.
“Yeah,” Spencer agrees. “He’s a kid. Which means you shouldn’t take advantage of him.’
There’s a pause. “Didn’t Brendon tell you what happened when he came to see me?” Neil asks after a moment.
“No,” Spencer says, and he sounds really mad. “I think it’s disgusting, you going around with your- your- ‘Brother Pervert’s Travelling Deflowering Show’.”
Brendon steps into view just in time to see Neil stare at Spencer in surprise, and then start laughing.
Spencer’s eyes are narrowing, which Brendon knows isn’t a good sign.
“Spence,” he says, and they both turn to look at him, Neil wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.
“He didn’t deflower me,” Brendon says. “I can’t believe you’d think that.”
Spencer gapes at him. “You can’t believe I’d think that? Yeah, you’re right, it’s totally not a logical assumption since you’ve been going on approximately forever about how Neil was going to be your first, how you wanted him to deflower you. And then you go and see him and you come back and you’re all…all glowy and shit and you tell me you’re happy because you’ve had an ‘epiphany’,” Spencer makes quotation marks in the air and then crosses his arms.
“Oh,” Brendon says, biting his lip. “I guess. I guess I can see where you may have become confused. But. Spencer. My epiphany. It was about you.”
“Me?” Spencer says, sounding confused.
“I want to fly,” Brendon says earnestly. “And you make me feel like I could.”
Behind Spencer, Brendon sees Neil nod approvingly before he turns and slips away.
Spencer stares at Brendon, and the softness that had swept over his expression disappears as he narrows his eyes. “You. Did you just quote Neil Diamond lyrics at me?”
Brendon shifts from one foot to the other. “No?” he answers and Spencer folds his arms across his chest.
“Spencer,” Brendon starts, and then stops. He doesn’t know where to start, how to say the right thing. But Neil had said to just open his mouth and let the words speak for him, and so he does.
“Do you know why I didn’t sleep with Neil? I mean, besides the fact that he didn’t want to and thought I was a little nuts? Because I was thinking about you. I couldn’t help but think about you, how you’d been all pissy with me and I hadn’t known why, and how I wished you were there with me. And it took me awhile to realise that I didn’t mean ‘there with me’ as moral support. I meant ‘there with me’ as in, the one I was asking.”
Spencer doesn’t say anything and Brendon frowns.
“Do you understand what I mean?” Brendon asks, shifting nervously. “I didn’t want Neil. Or anyone else. I want you.”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. “I understand. Are you. Are you sure?”
Brendon nods, and then goes very still. It hasn’t occurred to him until this moment that there’s a possibility Spencer might not feel the same, that Brendon’s epiphany might not be as exciting to him as it is for Brendon.
“It’s okay,” Brendon says quietly. “You don’t have to. I mean. I don’t want you to feel that you-”
“Why do you think I was so pissed off?” Spencer asks, raising an eyebrow. He doesn’t move closer, but then again he doesn’t move away when Brendon takes one hesitant step, and then another, towards him.
“I…don’t know,” Brendon says, even though he thinks he does. Hopes he does.
Spencer cocks his head to the side, giving Brendon a considering look. “It’s possible,” he says slowly. “That I was jealous. That the idea of Neil touching you, getting to kiss you, getting to be the first to fuck you, made me feel sick, made my heart hurt, made me want to punch things.”
“He didn’t,” Brendon says, moving even closer until he can feel Spencer’s slow exhale against his cheek. “I swear.”
Spencer nods. “I know. I believe you.”
“So,” Brendon asks. “Are you saying that you maybe love me too?” He knows it’s a cheat’s way of saying it first, but it’s said, it’s out there. He waits for Spencer’s response, holding his breath without realising he is.
“What I’m saying,” Spencer says, “is all that I see is the way that you made me smile.”
“Spencer!” Brendon says, leaning back to smile up at him. “Did you just quote Neil at me?”
Spencer shrugs and kisses him, just lightly, enough to make Brendon lick his lips and hum when Spencer pulls away.
“You, um, want to go somewhere and be my first?” Brendon asks, and Spencer’s hands, that had been resting on Brendon’s hips, fall away.
“Brendon,” Spencer frowns at him. “You don’t have to do it just because Pete tells you it’s time.”
“It’s not because-“
“Don’t let them make up your mind,” Spencer interrupts. “Don’t worry, Brendon. You’ll be a woman soon.”
Brendon scowls. “That’s really annoying,” he says, and Spencer smirks.
“I know,” Spencer says pointedly. “I mean it though. We don’t have to rush into anything. There’s no time limit on this. On us. We can take our time. Get to know each other.”
“I’ve known you for five years,” Brendon points out, and Spencer laughs.
“It’s not the same thing. I want us to go on dates and learn to be together, instead of just two individuals fucking. This should be done right. And I think we should wait until you’re ready.”
Brendon lifts his head and brushes his lips against Spencer’s. “What if I say I’m ready now?”
Spencer sighs, but he’s grinning. “Let me have at least one date before you put out. You don’t want me to think you’re easy, do you?”
Brendon presses his smile against Spencer’s neck. “Maybe,” he says. “Dates sound fun though.”
“It’s going to be great,” Spencer tells him, pulling away. Brendon misses the press of Spencer’s body immediately, but then there are hands, touching hands, reaching out, and they walk through the now empty venue together. “Really great,” Spencer adds, emphatically, and Brendon smiles.
“So good! So good!” he says under his breath, laughing when Spencer rolls his eyes.