Commander's Log #2
Commander’s Log #2
It’s been nearly a month since I have arrived here in Budehuc, and I must admit I am still having some trouble adjusting. For certain I am not the only newcomer from Falena to this place, but I sometimes feel like I am the only one who has not assimilated quite as well as the others.
I have tried to be social, but my upbringing has made my somewhat stiff and formal around strangers. I am quite aware of this fact. I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect, but I fear it comes across as myself being stiff and unfriendly. This is hardly the case, but it’s so hard for me to simply throw off years worth of training in such a short time. I’m trying to be more friendly, but… sometimes I hardly think it’s working.
And with that, I’ve come to realize that I feel…. lost without my Commandership duties. They weighed so heavily on my shoulders, and I must be honest and admit I never really wanted the responsibilities in the first place - but Craig trusted me to care for the Calvary. How could I let him down? The constant squabbling between my councilors and myself is nothing more than a headache waiting to happen. And that’s not going into the animosity many of the senior Captains hold against me for disrupting what they saw as timeless tradition among the Calvary, such as not having women within the Calvary. A ridiculous rule in my opinion - Lu is turning into a fine Calvary soldier, she’ll most certainly be a Captain one day soon - but a rule they held dearly too. That battle was hard fought and dearly won. I would not have minded at least a day’s worth of sleep when we finally came to an agreement, but I was not even allowed two hours before the next problem was dropped in my lap. Sometimes I wish I could give my position to someone else, but there is no one I trust… no one Craig would trust, and I dare not prove Craig’s trust misplaced.
But now that I find myself without them… I feel a sort of uselessness. I know I’m currently taking care of Stallion’s business, but at some point that will end when he returns and as much as I like making deliveries, it’s just not the sort of thing I can't see myself doing for the rest of the week. I am contemplating joining Sir Geddoe’s mercenary group, and hopefully that will alleviate this sense of uselessness I find weighing down on me.
Of course that brought into question my Commandership… and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I should set my Commander title aside for the time I am here at Budehuc. I can hardly say I fulfill my duties as Commander when there is no Calvary for me to command. As such, I feel I do not deserve my title since I cannot properly do it justice. So, from now on I am merely Rahal of the Falenian Dragon Calvary.
And… I’m not sure what Roog thinks of this decision. I told him of my decision, but he hardly had a reaction at all. We used to be so close, but recently I’ve felt so removed from him. I realize I sent him to the Palace to command the new section of the Calvary, and I sorely wish I had not, but who else could I trust in that position to support my decisions as Commander? A part of my life has felt so empty without Roog by my side, but it was for the good of the Calvary. I could hardly place myself ahead of the Calvary and Falena, could I? No… though it hurt so much.
And now that we are both here I feel as if the gap as widened somehow. I try to talk to him, but I feel as if he listens with only half an ear. And I’ve noticed when he has been upset, but he won’t talk to me about his problems anymore. This has never happened before. We use to talk to each other about anything and everything, and now all of sudden he won’t speak to me of them at all. What happened? Why won’t he speak to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? I just want things to be as they were, and for some reason that hasn’t happened. I barely see Roog at all, even though we share a room. I’ve hardly spoken to him at all….
I wonder… I wonder if he’s not speaking to me because of Miakis. That is not to say Miakis is telling him not to, but… but I think Roog might have feelings for Miakis. I’ve tried to hide my own so that I might not upset Roog, but I wonder if he hasn’t figured out I feel for him as more than a friend. Yes, that’s right. I love Roog. I love him very much, as much more than my partner or my friend. I want in my life always, but I could never tell Roog that. Not ever. I couldn’t bear it if he took my words the wrong way. But, of Runes, it hurts so much to think he might like Miakis in the way I like him. I wish him every happiness, but is it awful of me to wish those happinesses came from being with me?
Yet, in all these years together, he has never showed the same feeling as I have for him. I’ve felt this way for some time, and if Roog has not returned my affections… perhaps it is time for me to move on. Oh, oh Runes it hurts so much to say that. But perhaps it is. Perhaps it is time I find someone else for me to love, as hard as that might be. Roog will always hold a place in my heart, but I can’t wait in vain for a love I can’t have. Oh Runes. Oh Runes. This hurts so much.
Maybe this is all for the better. Maybe Roog being so busy and my joining Geddoe’s group - possibly - is a good thing. I’ll keep busy. I’ll keep my mind off Roog. I can try and move on, even though I’m not sure I can. Maybe I never will. But moving on is better than standing and letting myself become stagnant.
I…. I….Roog….
*has to stop writing as years of pent-up pain come free and tears stain the rest of his paper and make it impossible to write*
It’s been nearly a month since I have arrived here in Budehuc, and I must admit I am still having some trouble adjusting. For certain I am not the only newcomer from Falena to this place, but I sometimes feel like I am the only one who has not assimilated quite as well as the others.
I have tried to be social, but my upbringing has made my somewhat stiff and formal around strangers. I am quite aware of this fact. I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect, but I fear it comes across as myself being stiff and unfriendly. This is hardly the case, but it’s so hard for me to simply throw off years worth of training in such a short time. I’m trying to be more friendly, but… sometimes I hardly think it’s working.
And with that, I’ve come to realize that I feel…. lost without my Commandership duties. They weighed so heavily on my shoulders, and I must be honest and admit I never really wanted the responsibilities in the first place - but Craig trusted me to care for the Calvary. How could I let him down? The constant squabbling between my councilors and myself is nothing more than a headache waiting to happen. And that’s not going into the animosity many of the senior Captains hold against me for disrupting what they saw as timeless tradition among the Calvary, such as not having women within the Calvary. A ridiculous rule in my opinion - Lu is turning into a fine Calvary soldier, she’ll most certainly be a Captain one day soon - but a rule they held dearly too. That battle was hard fought and dearly won. I would not have minded at least a day’s worth of sleep when we finally came to an agreement, but I was not even allowed two hours before the next problem was dropped in my lap. Sometimes I wish I could give my position to someone else, but there is no one I trust… no one Craig would trust, and I dare not prove Craig’s trust misplaced.
But now that I find myself without them… I feel a sort of uselessness. I know I’m currently taking care of Stallion’s business, but at some point that will end when he returns and as much as I like making deliveries, it’s just not the sort of thing I can't see myself doing for the rest of the week. I am contemplating joining Sir Geddoe’s mercenary group, and hopefully that will alleviate this sense of uselessness I find weighing down on me.
Of course that brought into question my Commandership… and I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I should set my Commander title aside for the time I am here at Budehuc. I can hardly say I fulfill my duties as Commander when there is no Calvary for me to command. As such, I feel I do not deserve my title since I cannot properly do it justice. So, from now on I am merely Rahal of the Falenian Dragon Calvary.
And… I’m not sure what Roog thinks of this decision. I told him of my decision, but he hardly had a reaction at all. We used to be so close, but recently I’ve felt so removed from him. I realize I sent him to the Palace to command the new section of the Calvary, and I sorely wish I had not, but who else could I trust in that position to support my decisions as Commander? A part of my life has felt so empty without Roog by my side, but it was for the good of the Calvary. I could hardly place myself ahead of the Calvary and Falena, could I? No… though it hurt so much.
And now that we are both here I feel as if the gap as widened somehow. I try to talk to him, but I feel as if he listens with only half an ear. And I’ve noticed when he has been upset, but he won’t talk to me about his problems anymore. This has never happened before. We use to talk to each other about anything and everything, and now all of sudden he won’t speak to me of them at all. What happened? Why won’t he speak to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? I just want things to be as they were, and for some reason that hasn’t happened. I barely see Roog at all, even though we share a room. I’ve hardly spoken to him at all….
I wonder… I wonder if he’s not speaking to me because of Miakis. That is not to say Miakis is telling him not to, but… but I think Roog might have feelings for Miakis. I’ve tried to hide my own so that I might not upset Roog, but I wonder if he hasn’t figured out I feel for him as more than a friend. Yes, that’s right. I love Roog. I love him very much, as much more than my partner or my friend. I want in my life always, but I could never tell Roog that. Not ever. I couldn’t bear it if he took my words the wrong way. But, of Runes, it hurts so much to think he might like Miakis in the way I like him. I wish him every happiness, but is it awful of me to wish those happinesses came from being with me?
Yet, in all these years together, he has never showed the same feeling as I have for him. I’ve felt this way for some time, and if Roog has not returned my affections… perhaps it is time for me to move on. Oh, oh Runes it hurts so much to say that. But perhaps it is. Perhaps it is time I find someone else for me to love, as hard as that might be. Roog will always hold a place in my heart, but I can’t wait in vain for a love I can’t have. Oh Runes. Oh Runes. This hurts so much.
Maybe this is all for the better. Maybe Roog being so busy and my joining Geddoe’s group - possibly - is a good thing. I’ll keep busy. I’ll keep my mind off Roog. I can try and move on, even though I’m not sure I can. Maybe I never will. But moving on is better than standing and letting myself become stagnant.
I…. I….Roog….
*has to stop writing as years of pent-up pain come free and tears stain the rest of his paper and make it impossible to write*