Commander's Log #3
It has been nearly two months now since I have arrived here at Budehuc. A strange two months it is has been.
I have found myself at a cross roads in my life - a cross roads I did not expect. I surely expected the day to come where I would be faced with the decision of giving up my Commandership and leaving such things to the bright mind of younger man than myself. But not like this.
When I first arrived here, I initially tried to retain a hold of what I had become - a leader of what might rightly be called an army. I oversaw problems from so many sectors it makes my head ache to even think about it. I found myself set against men caught in the past and men frothing at the mouth for change. I could give in to neither. I was to be the mediator and ultimate authority; I was to be discreet and polite in all things and never forget the titles and honors given to a man or a woman. The world I walked in was not one so much of leadership as it was trying to make good in the eyes of my soldiers while playing a lethal game of politics that involved walking on a thin wire while carnivorous men and woman drooled, waiting for me to fall and drag me down so that they might take my place.
I came to accept this world as it came to accept me. But here at Budehuc, no one is reaching out with the metaphorical knife to slit my throat. Meeting someone was not like approaching a wild horse, it was like approaching a basket full of puppies. No one here is a potential threat. No one plots for my position, and no one has their own agenda they wish to push through. To be honest, I doubt anyone cares about my presence - save those from my own time. I was an oddity at first with Flail and my sudden... rather embarrassing entrance. But as soon as it became clear I was to settle here as so many others had done before, their curiousity waned. I am no longer an oddity - I am a resident. It is as simple as that.
And with that in mind, I found myself with expectations and responsibilites - aside from caring for Flail. I was not a Commander. I was Rahal. I was not a Dragon Knight. I was simply Rahal. I introduced myself as a Commander, and people seemed to respect this, but it didn't MEAN anything to them. The title Commander of the Dragon Calvary was something they comprehended as important, but bore no real relevance to their own lives here.
So that begged the question: Does it bear importance in my life here?
I have found no way to return to my own time. Those that have left - I know not where they have gone. Hopefully they have gone home, but it is clearly something none of us can control if we are out of our own times. As this is so, the answer seemed clear if I was to remain here.
The Commandership is worthless here.
I cannot fulfill its responsibilites here at Budehuc, for the sheer lack of a Calvary to lead. What is more, I cannot enforce authority I do not have in this time. Effectively, I am not a political leader anymore. I am a citizen, with a rather large and well trained mount. And if I cannot fulfull a duty, then I have no right to retain hold of its title. Therefore, I made the decision to give it up. The idea is... strange, but I feel it is right. It never sat well with me to be called something I could not live up to.
So now I am faced with an entirely new set of problems. Learning to live as a citizen, not as a soldier.
Before I was always concious of people's titles and standings with society. This was critical to mantaining the balance necessary to lead the Dragon Calvary and remain seperate from the machinations of the Sun Court. But here at Budehuc, except for the select few, titles don't mean much of anything. Some even expressed the desire I drop my 'Sirs' and 'Lords' when addressing them. I try my best, but sometimes it's awkward. I always feel I might step on someone's toes if I drop the titles so easily, that I am trying to be to friendly to quickly. I'm always scared that in my attempts to be less removed that I will inadvertantly touch a sore spot and start a fight I never intended. But in the process of being worried, I know I make myself look like a ninny for all that I blush. It was a habit I never quite got rid of. I think it comes from my mother's side. My pale skin color makes it impossible to hide embarrassment or fear, and results in a blush. It is a most terrible habit for a Commander to have, I know, but there is little I can do. But hopefully at least it shows I have concern for the feelings of others and that my intentions are ultimately good. (Though it is a wonder to me how Jeremy can stand me after my drunken fiasco in truth or dare....)
But perhaps I might find a solace for my position if Sir... ah, excuse me. Even when writing I have problems with the 'citizen' idea. Perhaps I might find solace for my position if Geddoe decides to bring me into his mercenary team. I admit the idea of being a mercenary never occured to me until now, but I feel it might be the remedy I need. I trained all my life as a soldier. Perhaps taking on a job that puts my martial skills to use will aleviate some of this awkwardness I feel. Perhaps it might even help me settle better into this new life I am attempting to carve for myself with my time here at Budehuc.
But Budehuc has also dropped a new set of problems in my lap.
My foremost problem right now is Flail.
Dragon horses are social creatures. Certainly they are not as social as other animals - such as horses and cows. They do not require as much interaction with others of their kind as those beasts, but they still require interaction with their own kind. She spends time with Lance, but just one dragon horse is hardly enough social contact through an elongated period. I've tried to make up for it by spending more time with her, to let her know she is loved and still wanted and that even in this new place I still care for her. Hopefully it makes up for the lack of the attention she would recieve from others of her own kind at Sauronix. But I do feel bad that I cannot let her loose in the pastures with the other horses. She would not eat any of them, but the horses do not know this. In the interest of not causing a wide spread panic, especially with the new animals Kathy recently brought back, I have to find ways to exercise Flail and let her take her leisure other than the pasture. She's seemed to enjoy our walks through the grounds and the beach - they are as much leisure time for her as they are meditative times for myself. And worse, it seems winter is coming. It is not that we do not have winter at Sauronix, but I fear the winters here will be harsher than any Flail has seen. I do not know what to expect. I'm taking what precautions I can - trying to find extra blankets and wraps for her, but I fear there is only so much I can do. Sometimes I fear she will fall ill in this new place, and I will loose someone who is a great part of my life. But that is very negative, and I am sure that if I make sure she is warm and well fed she will come through fine.
The second is that being here as led me to worry somewhat of Rania.
Rania is quite capable of handling herself, but I have not been able to see her in some time. I usually made a point of going to see her whenever I got some time off, but with my former new position as Commander I found that thought I was within easy walking distance of Rania's home, I never quite found the time go speak with her. I feel rather ashamed over that, but what could I do? If I let myself take even the smallest break, then a small problem exploded into something much bigger than it actually was - usually courtesty of my council. But still, I sometimes find myself wondering how she's doing. She's rather strange by any standards, even mine, and I worry that her lack of social ability has negative effects. She was never bothered by this before - she always seemed content with her dragon flutes and her melodies. Even when she joined the rebellion it wasn't for any real sense of needing to right a wrong as it was she liked the 'sound' of the Prince (or at least I think that's how she explained it). For now I will merely send my prayers to her, as there is little else I can do.
In fact, there is little else I can do for myself besides try to adjust to my new surroundings. It chaffs at times, but I am sure I can come to terms with all of this. Perhaps I can make a life for myself here if necessary, though I do hope I will be able to return to my homeland once more someday. But, that may be a day off or many years from now. Right now, I should just concentrate on the present and let the chips of fate fall where they may, though in that I have little choice as it is.
I have found myself at a cross roads in my life - a cross roads I did not expect. I surely expected the day to come where I would be faced with the decision of giving up my Commandership and leaving such things to the bright mind of younger man than myself. But not like this.
When I first arrived here, I initially tried to retain a hold of what I had become - a leader of what might rightly be called an army. I oversaw problems from so many sectors it makes my head ache to even think about it. I found myself set against men caught in the past and men frothing at the mouth for change. I could give in to neither. I was to be the mediator and ultimate authority; I was to be discreet and polite in all things and never forget the titles and honors given to a man or a woman. The world I walked in was not one so much of leadership as it was trying to make good in the eyes of my soldiers while playing a lethal game of politics that involved walking on a thin wire while carnivorous men and woman drooled, waiting for me to fall and drag me down so that they might take my place.
I came to accept this world as it came to accept me. But here at Budehuc, no one is reaching out with the metaphorical knife to slit my throat. Meeting someone was not like approaching a wild horse, it was like approaching a basket full of puppies. No one here is a potential threat. No one plots for my position, and no one has their own agenda they wish to push through. To be honest, I doubt anyone cares about my presence - save those from my own time. I was an oddity at first with Flail and my sudden... rather embarrassing entrance. But as soon as it became clear I was to settle here as so many others had done before, their curiousity waned. I am no longer an oddity - I am a resident. It is as simple as that.
And with that in mind, I found myself with expectations and responsibilites - aside from caring for Flail. I was not a Commander. I was Rahal. I was not a Dragon Knight. I was simply Rahal. I introduced myself as a Commander, and people seemed to respect this, but it didn't MEAN anything to them. The title Commander of the Dragon Calvary was something they comprehended as important, but bore no real relevance to their own lives here.
So that begged the question: Does it bear importance in my life here?
I have found no way to return to my own time. Those that have left - I know not where they have gone. Hopefully they have gone home, but it is clearly something none of us can control if we are out of our own times. As this is so, the answer seemed clear if I was to remain here.
The Commandership is worthless here.
I cannot fulfill its responsibilites here at Budehuc, for the sheer lack of a Calvary to lead. What is more, I cannot enforce authority I do not have in this time. Effectively, I am not a political leader anymore. I am a citizen, with a rather large and well trained mount. And if I cannot fulfull a duty, then I have no right to retain hold of its title. Therefore, I made the decision to give it up. The idea is... strange, but I feel it is right. It never sat well with me to be called something I could not live up to.
So now I am faced with an entirely new set of problems. Learning to live as a citizen, not as a soldier.
Before I was always concious of people's titles and standings with society. This was critical to mantaining the balance necessary to lead the Dragon Calvary and remain seperate from the machinations of the Sun Court. But here at Budehuc, except for the select few, titles don't mean much of anything. Some even expressed the desire I drop my 'Sirs' and 'Lords' when addressing them. I try my best, but sometimes it's awkward. I always feel I might step on someone's toes if I drop the titles so easily, that I am trying to be to friendly to quickly. I'm always scared that in my attempts to be less removed that I will inadvertantly touch a sore spot and start a fight I never intended. But in the process of being worried, I know I make myself look like a ninny for all that I blush. It was a habit I never quite got rid of. I think it comes from my mother's side. My pale skin color makes it impossible to hide embarrassment or fear, and results in a blush. It is a most terrible habit for a Commander to have, I know, but there is little I can do. But hopefully at least it shows I have concern for the feelings of others and that my intentions are ultimately good. (Though it is a wonder to me how Jeremy can stand me after my drunken fiasco in truth or dare....)
But perhaps I might find a solace for my position if Sir... ah, excuse me. Even when writing I have problems with the 'citizen' idea. Perhaps I might find solace for my position if Geddoe decides to bring me into his mercenary team. I admit the idea of being a mercenary never occured to me until now, but I feel it might be the remedy I need. I trained all my life as a soldier. Perhaps taking on a job that puts my martial skills to use will aleviate some of this awkwardness I feel. Perhaps it might even help me settle better into this new life I am attempting to carve for myself with my time here at Budehuc.
But Budehuc has also dropped a new set of problems in my lap.
My foremost problem right now is Flail.
Dragon horses are social creatures. Certainly they are not as social as other animals - such as horses and cows. They do not require as much interaction with others of their kind as those beasts, but they still require interaction with their own kind. She spends time with Lance, but just one dragon horse is hardly enough social contact through an elongated period. I've tried to make up for it by spending more time with her, to let her know she is loved and still wanted and that even in this new place I still care for her. Hopefully it makes up for the lack of the attention she would recieve from others of her own kind at Sauronix. But I do feel bad that I cannot let her loose in the pastures with the other horses. She would not eat any of them, but the horses do not know this. In the interest of not causing a wide spread panic, especially with the new animals Kathy recently brought back, I have to find ways to exercise Flail and let her take her leisure other than the pasture. She's seemed to enjoy our walks through the grounds and the beach - they are as much leisure time for her as they are meditative times for myself. And worse, it seems winter is coming. It is not that we do not have winter at Sauronix, but I fear the winters here will be harsher than any Flail has seen. I do not know what to expect. I'm taking what precautions I can - trying to find extra blankets and wraps for her, but I fear there is only so much I can do. Sometimes I fear she will fall ill in this new place, and I will loose someone who is a great part of my life. But that is very negative, and I am sure that if I make sure she is warm and well fed she will come through fine.
The second is that being here as led me to worry somewhat of Rania.
Rania is quite capable of handling herself, but I have not been able to see her in some time. I usually made a point of going to see her whenever I got some time off, but with my former new position as Commander I found that thought I was within easy walking distance of Rania's home, I never quite found the time go speak with her. I feel rather ashamed over that, but what could I do? If I let myself take even the smallest break, then a small problem exploded into something much bigger than it actually was - usually courtesty of my council. But still, I sometimes find myself wondering how she's doing. She's rather strange by any standards, even mine, and I worry that her lack of social ability has negative effects. She was never bothered by this before - she always seemed content with her dragon flutes and her melodies. Even when she joined the rebellion it wasn't for any real sense of needing to right a wrong as it was she liked the 'sound' of the Prince (or at least I think that's how she explained it). For now I will merely send my prayers to her, as there is little else I can do.
In fact, there is little else I can do for myself besides try to adjust to my new surroundings. It chaffs at times, but I am sure I can come to terms with all of this. Perhaps I can make a life for myself here if necessary, though I do hope I will be able to return to my homeland once more someday. But, that may be a day off or many years from now. Right now, I should just concentrate on the present and let the chips of fate fall where they may, though in that I have little choice as it is.