Immune system down!
Behold the melodrama! I should just take acting lessons or be an actor and be done with it. :P I've always got to have something dramatic going on, some story to tell.
And I'm sick again, my lymph nodes are up again, to the point that its difficult to move my head without some sort of pain. At least this time there have been no other major symtoms, tiny bit of fever, a bit tired, but no major nasal congestion or chest congestion for that matter. Another positive is that I haven't dropped any weight, that's alaways a good sign of very non-severe illness, sudden drops in weight scare me. In fact I've gained a kilo, and if the kilo is to be lost I would prefer to lose it via exercise rather than illness.
So I'm on antibiotics for the first time this year, and they're so broad spectrum that they have wiped out any healthy function of my degestive tract. But it's been 7 months since the last time I needed antibiotics for this type of thing, so go me. I have a repeat of the course which I really don't want to take, I miss yummy food and want to return to yummy food as soon as possible. And since my doctor knows that antibiotics and I don't play well together she has organised a blood test if everything hasn't settled after a week. Today is day three of icky medicine and there really hasn't been much change. Impatience is annoying.
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As for being a bit down, I am so bored and underchallanged at work that I have been tap-dancing. Yes tap-dancing in the store out of severe boredom and trying to still the urge to slap my boss upside the head. This poor planner and teacher wouldn't know how to train people if she were brainwashed to have the ability. She explains the most simple things that anyone with two brain cells could understand, has no understanding that experience is important and has an attitude of 'I can teach you that later'. Teach me now! We're not freaking doing anything. She ignores you when you try and tell her what you know and how doing everything for you is not a way to teach you as an indivual. God in heaven she pisses me off and frustrates me to tears. I find myself getting tense and angry at the very idea of having to work with her. With my temper getting worse all the time, I wonder why I don't look for yet another job, but I then tell myself that I won't have to work with her much longer and go to the store I'm supposed to be working at very soon. sticking it in the meantime is going to be difficult, I so want to put my boss in her place and the hours and hours of time in that store ooze and drag like a drop of pitch.
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Since I've been getting criticism about how I dress and present myself quite a lot in recent times, I have somehow allowed myself to lose loads of self esteem, self confidence and have begun to start a level of self criticism that is beyond anything my mind has ever come up with before. I'm lost trying to figure out when this level of silliness started. Perhaps it was always bubbling in the background, and all it needed was the right stimuli to make it burst and infect my everyday thinking. It doesn't help that I have the appearance of being self assured with my looks I suppose. I'm not the sort of girl who whines to her friends about being fat or ugly, at most I'll ask a friend how an outfit looks and that's about it. But I'm far more insecure and critical than I like to let on.
I usually like having small boobs, have a darn flat stomach and very good weight for someone who is as idle as myself. I'm a nice height, quite nice proportions and try to dress in clothing that brings out the finer points of my figure while protecting my annoyingly delicate skin from the sun. Even if that means I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans. The style of your shirt and the cut of your jeans can work wonders, they're also easy to move in and comfortable. Even the clothes I design are generally simple, not so much dressy as unusual and have comfort before fashion. The things many women indulge in to create whatever illusion of perfect beauty they need in their lives never concerned me that greatly before.
Make-up is illusion. If you put a guy with nice regular bone structure and features in the make-up chair and get an accomplished make-up artist on the job, add a nice wig and he can look like he is Aphrodite incarnate. Yes it can enhance nice features on the face and cover-up blemishes if they're a problem, but I don't particularly like make-up. Most people tell me I don't particularly need make-up. I fear what would happen to my skin if I regularly started applying even the small amounts that I've had done before for formal, outings and weddings. Yes, people did double takes when they saw me with the make-up, but that's not my real face. If I were to rely on make-up to get people to think I'm pretty, I think I'd worry about people seeing me without it and I don't want to be that girl. So I don't want to waste the time and money on it.
Glasses. Since the very day I was dragged to the optometrist, kicking and screaming and finally captured long enough to be fitted to the god awful things; I have freaking suffered for something I have very little control over without consequences or huge amounts of responsibility. There is no way to possibly describe the dread that nearly made me sick when I found out what was going to be done when I was so young. My unusual personality as a child was enough to cause me social ostricism even back then, but glasses gave them a physical reason to torment me. To those of you who are selfish and thoughless enough to say to me that I look better without them, seriously, go play in the traffic. That is truly a pathetic thing to say to someone and shame on you for not asking why a person doesn't get contacts or similar before not using that brain we humans are so proud of.
Why do I wear glasses? Well, first you should know that I hate glasses, I truly despise them and the fact that I have to wear them. They annoy and frustrate me and they cost a bunch. But you know what? They have fewer health risks to my delicate immune system than contacts do, they are far more convenient than the type of contacts I would have to get. As for surgery, it's not without it's risks, my stupid health again and I might not even be able to have my sight changed. Can I please take them off for a while because I look better without them? Well sure, okay. But first, let me take this 2x4 and smack you in the head with it repeatedly. Then you can share the headache verging on migraine I'm going to end up with if I do as you ask. If this were a dance or stage performance, then yes, I'll gladly oblige you. Costume gig and you want photos sure. But the glasses are going back on as soon as they're not interfering with the performance or photograph.
But here's something that just occured to me, if people are going to criticise the glasses, and they will almost always do that before anything else with me, the glasses can shield. We all have features or aspects of features that are socially unattractive and are virtually social taboo to change. My glasses cover them and distract attention from them. And without the glasses, the people who criticise me for them would undoubtly (and often do) find other physical features to criticise.
The amount of money people spend on clothing and accesories to look really good or lady-like constantly astonishes me. And yes I can make that call, because the level of detail I can appreciate and criticise leads me to have very expensive tastes with jewellry, shoes and most store bought clothing. Fashion trends are a massive wank and if I don't like them, then I am not going to wear them. This leaves me in a pickle, because the only clothes I like in this situation are often designer items. Yes, I can have some luck here and there, but it's still a lot of dosh when I can look perfectly nice in jeans and a cute top.
^ That was how I used to think all the time. Not so much anymore. I've begun to worry about how I appear to others all the time. Wondering what they're thinking when I see people looking at me. Reflective surfaces have become a nightmare, I'm constantly looking at myself and picking out all the things I don't like. Even to the point of seriously considering fixing that broken nose, my teeth and getting eye surgery. Worrying about my weight and not-so-toned body is having a big affect. Currently I have a rocky road filled half easter egg sitting beside me and I desperately want to throw it in the bin because all I can see is the fat and the sugar. J gave it to me for easter and I think I must have looked slightly horrified when he gave it to me. He just wanted to be nice to me. Getting lollies and eating fatty foods have become a massively guilty pleasure. And I'm seriously considering cutting them out of my diet as much as I can. By the age I'm at now, my mum was fat, my sister was fat, my step-mum was obesce and I'm terrified I'll end up like them. Also I've begun wishing all the time that I were, prettier, more fun, had a nicer body, was a better person, the list goes on and on. And it never used to be in the fore front of my thoughts before.