Everything's just wonderful. I'm having the time of my life
This is a kind of strange situation. Statistically speaking, a person is supposed to take about half as long as a relationship lasted to be "over" it. Derek and I lasted exactly 2 weeks, it's been exactly one week since he broke up with me and I'm continuing to mope about it. I don't really know what this means. I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week, not crying constantly, but I'm still crying some. I did a little bit this morning. And I'm still finding it hard to distract myself from thoughts of him. I had a really good talk with Mary about it yesterday and she thinks it's because I need friends in Portland and he really hurt my ego. Both these things are true. He was a really good friend to me. I'm having a hard time delineating what made our relationship different from a friendship, other than the obvious "sex" answer. Sex isn't something I cling to, I've got an excellent track record of just not caring after I have sex with someone. I think it may be that he always had a compliment ready for me. I have a very hard time accepting compliments, but it feels so lovely to be given them. And snuggling. I'm not a physical person, so getting to the point where I'm comfortable enough with someone to touch them, to put myself in a physically vulnerable position with them is very hard for me. I don't know what makes snuggling and hugging different from sex, but it is for me. I don't put a lot of stock in sex as something that makes you emotionally close. But holding hands rocks my world.
Anyway, I got distracted. I don't know what made our relationship different from friendship, really. I hear there are friends out there who compliment each other. I also hear there are friends who snuggle. But I know that it would tear me up to hear about him dating another girl. Oh dear lord. That said, I really am doing better and I'm pretty sure that if I just stay the course and don't try to contact him, I'll heal from this. But I'm really not sure that I'm ready to. I really want to keep pressing at it and hope that there's some kind of block keeping him from me that he'll overcome...or we'll overcome together! It's silly and girlish, I know. I know that really well. But it's what's going on in my head right now.
In other news, I'm doing quite a lot of soul searching this summer. I've found that I'm a little ashamed to have studied advertising in college, I don't much care about [runway] fashion, I'm really truly happy when I make time to do art and I still care deeply about the state of public education. In general, I haven't been paying attention to the details of my decisions for the last 3 years because I was so set on the final goal that I lost sight of everything else. Now that I don't really know what I want, I'm finding that I need to be a lot more thoughtful in my every day decisions. This should really start soon...
Anyway, I got distracted. I don't know what made our relationship different from friendship, really. I hear there are friends out there who compliment each other. I also hear there are friends who snuggle. But I know that it would tear me up to hear about him dating another girl. Oh dear lord. That said, I really am doing better and I'm pretty sure that if I just stay the course and don't try to contact him, I'll heal from this. But I'm really not sure that I'm ready to. I really want to keep pressing at it and hope that there's some kind of block keeping him from me that he'll overcome...or we'll overcome together! It's silly and girlish, I know. I know that really well. But it's what's going on in my head right now.
In other news, I'm doing quite a lot of soul searching this summer. I've found that I'm a little ashamed to have studied advertising in college, I don't much care about [runway] fashion, I'm really truly happy when I make time to do art and I still care deeply about the state of public education. In general, I haven't been paying attention to the details of my decisions for the last 3 years because I was so set on the final goal that I lost sight of everything else. Now that I don't really know what I want, I'm finding that I need to be a lot more thoughtful in my every day decisions. This should really start soon...