Health (and lack of health care)
So, back a year and a half ago, I mentioned that I got fired on my 39th birthday and didn't say anything for most of the day because it also happened to be my sister's graduation day, didn't want to spoil anything for her.
The main reason I got let go, besides t being a bad work situation, is something I've been embarrassed to discuss. Often when I sit down, say at the computer, I'll start being focused but before I know it I'll be fighting these odd, dreamlike thoughts, and before I know it I'm waking up from a nap I never wanted to take. So at my last job, it didn't matter that I told them it was medical, and I was going to get it taken care of as soon as my medical insurance kicked in, and it didn't matter that I was getting the work done... I was "not looking alert" at my workstation and I got fired. No matter the circumstances, ultimately this was nobody's fault but mine.
Part of the reason for me to get a Animation and Graphics degree is that if I can land a job, better pay, and better likelihood of actual employment rather than endless contracting, hours that don't allow you to see a doctor even when you are under some coverage. This = better chance to fix health problems. In the meantime, I still have been zoning out at inopportune moments.
Recently, thanks to friends, I had a big piece of the puzzle drop in my lap. I was sharing a room at a convention and one of the roommates mentioned checking to see if I was breathing in the middle of the night. Same roommate uses a CPAP machine for sleep apnea. That would explain certain dreams and other sleep experiences going back to childhood.
Now, I still have no money and no med insurance, so I cannot currently get a proper sleep study. What I am doing, I know is highly unadvisable, but is done out of desperation. Since I cannot buy or get a prescription for a CPAP machine, someone out there has taken pity on me and lent me an old one to see if it helps things. (this with the understanding that once I'm able, I get the sleep study and return the machine) Has it helped things? Not entirely sure.. it seems I pull off the facemask or take it apart in my sleep.
I think the past two nights have finally been two "worn most of the night" nights, for the first two nights in a row. I don't have the miraculous return of energy another friend mentioned after using one of these, but I had a mostly clearheaded day. So I'm hoping this is a good sign.
Now, I know that a big issue with the likely sleep apnea, on top of other health concerns that I'm not able to check out are almost certainly related to my weight. This is one area of my life that I have fought with various intensity and have not been able to conquer. I live in a society where it is more socially acceptable to be a drug addict than a fat person, in a nation that has an ever increasing number of fat people. Nice bit of societal self-loathing, maybe.
One thing I've been meaning to get off my chest on the subject of the scorn of fat people. If you're a thin person or if you're a former fat person, congratulations on your good fortune, please don't lecture me because I'm tired of hearing it. Here's why: I quit smoking by simply stopping. I am embarrassed by taking up the habit in the first place, but when I finally decided to quit I smoked my last cigarette and I quit. Does that mean my will power is greater than those who need their patches, gums, or whatnot? No, I definitely don't think so. I think it's because it just happened to be a bit easier for me than for someone whose withdrawal symptoms make it less likely for them to quit than a heroin user. I try not to be one of those "ex-smokers". Will I still encourage anyone quitting? Believe it. But I can't look down on those who can't quit. I don't believe it's because they have a weakness or a lack or willpower. I think everyone faces something that is above their ability to overcome, and it is different for each individual.
If you believe that "if you just stop eating 'x' and get off the couch you won't be such a fat-ass"... just shut the hell up. Whether you're right or wrong (and I think you're wrong) you are definitely not helping, even if you think you are. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and if I have other addictive behaviors, I have blinders, but one unfortunate habit I can't shake is sometimes I eat poorly... And when fat folks get the double whammy of scorn for simply looking like they do, and get offered a solution that they've tried and failed at and suffered through every previous variation of that, they feel like crap, and most often, when they feel like crap, they'll seek comfort in bad food. In other words, if you think you're giving tough love, you're not helping. Do it for any other reason, well, maybe you can generate more contempt for me than I can for you, but I doubt it.
Part of this comes from following the journal of another individual, whom I don't know personally, but found them entertaining, so I added as an LJ friend. A while back this person, sadly, lost a friend to a heart attack at a young age, this announcement was followed by an angry "stop being fat" message, followed every few months by another similar post. Why is this significant? I have never seen this person sober. I know that he has to be sometime, he has some success, especially in the professional world. But I've never seen him "not drunk" and sometimes very drunk, although... doesn't matter; what matters is that with this whole cinders vs. planks issue is that I lose sympathy for what this really is: This person feels pain for losing their friend and has some issues with their control surrounding that event. But, the result for the rest of the people he cares for is the opposite of the intention.
In the meantime I'll still be fighting my weight. I want to get a bike, and am looking at some basic recumbents on craigslist, but that will have to wait until better employment at the moment. I've been pushing myself to cook more raw food and rely on convenience less, and to eat more vegetables. Not easy, but it's what I have to do.
I am aware that I have impolitely stated some opinions.
The main reason I got let go, besides t being a bad work situation, is something I've been embarrassed to discuss. Often when I sit down, say at the computer, I'll start being focused but before I know it I'll be fighting these odd, dreamlike thoughts, and before I know it I'm waking up from a nap I never wanted to take. So at my last job, it didn't matter that I told them it was medical, and I was going to get it taken care of as soon as my medical insurance kicked in, and it didn't matter that I was getting the work done... I was "not looking alert" at my workstation and I got fired. No matter the circumstances, ultimately this was nobody's fault but mine.
Part of the reason for me to get a Animation and Graphics degree is that if I can land a job, better pay, and better likelihood of actual employment rather than endless contracting, hours that don't allow you to see a doctor even when you are under some coverage. This = better chance to fix health problems. In the meantime, I still have been zoning out at inopportune moments.
Recently, thanks to friends, I had a big piece of the puzzle drop in my lap. I was sharing a room at a convention and one of the roommates mentioned checking to see if I was breathing in the middle of the night. Same roommate uses a CPAP machine for sleep apnea. That would explain certain dreams and other sleep experiences going back to childhood.
Now, I still have no money and no med insurance, so I cannot currently get a proper sleep study. What I am doing, I know is highly unadvisable, but is done out of desperation. Since I cannot buy or get a prescription for a CPAP machine, someone out there has taken pity on me and lent me an old one to see if it helps things. (this with the understanding that once I'm able, I get the sleep study and return the machine) Has it helped things? Not entirely sure.. it seems I pull off the facemask or take it apart in my sleep.
I think the past two nights have finally been two "worn most of the night" nights, for the first two nights in a row. I don't have the miraculous return of energy another friend mentioned after using one of these, but I had a mostly clearheaded day. So I'm hoping this is a good sign.
Now, I know that a big issue with the likely sleep apnea, on top of other health concerns that I'm not able to check out are almost certainly related to my weight. This is one area of my life that I have fought with various intensity and have not been able to conquer. I live in a society where it is more socially acceptable to be a drug addict than a fat person, in a nation that has an ever increasing number of fat people. Nice bit of societal self-loathing, maybe.
One thing I've been meaning to get off my chest on the subject of the scorn of fat people. If you're a thin person or if you're a former fat person, congratulations on your good fortune, please don't lecture me because I'm tired of hearing it. Here's why: I quit smoking by simply stopping. I am embarrassed by taking up the habit in the first place, but when I finally decided to quit I smoked my last cigarette and I quit. Does that mean my will power is greater than those who need their patches, gums, or whatnot? No, I definitely don't think so. I think it's because it just happened to be a bit easier for me than for someone whose withdrawal symptoms make it less likely for them to quit than a heroin user. I try not to be one of those "ex-smokers". Will I still encourage anyone quitting? Believe it. But I can't look down on those who can't quit. I don't believe it's because they have a weakness or a lack or willpower. I think everyone faces something that is above their ability to overcome, and it is different for each individual.
If you believe that "if you just stop eating 'x' and get off the couch you won't be such a fat-ass"... just shut the hell up. Whether you're right or wrong (and I think you're wrong) you are definitely not helping, even if you think you are. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and if I have other addictive behaviors, I have blinders, but one unfortunate habit I can't shake is sometimes I eat poorly... And when fat folks get the double whammy of scorn for simply looking like they do, and get offered a solution that they've tried and failed at and suffered through every previous variation of that, they feel like crap, and most often, when they feel like crap, they'll seek comfort in bad food. In other words, if you think you're giving tough love, you're not helping. Do it for any other reason, well, maybe you can generate more contempt for me than I can for you, but I doubt it.
Part of this comes from following the journal of another individual, whom I don't know personally, but found them entertaining, so I added as an LJ friend. A while back this person, sadly, lost a friend to a heart attack at a young age, this announcement was followed by an angry "stop being fat" message, followed every few months by another similar post. Why is this significant? I have never seen this person sober. I know that he has to be sometime, he has some success, especially in the professional world. But I've never seen him "not drunk" and sometimes very drunk, although... doesn't matter; what matters is that with this whole cinders vs. planks issue is that I lose sympathy for what this really is: This person feels pain for losing their friend and has some issues with their control surrounding that event. But, the result for the rest of the people he cares for is the opposite of the intention.
In the meantime I'll still be fighting my weight. I want to get a bike, and am looking at some basic recumbents on craigslist, but that will have to wait until better employment at the moment. I've been pushing myself to cook more raw food and rely on convenience less, and to eat more vegetables. Not easy, but it's what I have to do.
I am aware that I have impolitely stated some opinions.