Actual political crap, not just words about the candidates
I'm really bored at work, so I decided to go shopping in every Presidential candidate's online store. I picked one completely ridiculous product that makes me laugh from every site. So if any of you feel like getting me a Groundhog Day/MONSTER TUESDAY!!!1!!!one!!!1 present...ya know...feel free.
The Democrats
Hillary bling. There's nothing more to be said.
They made a Hopestrong bracelet! And it's black!!! Get it?!?!? Just like Obama!
The gayest sticker EVER, may his 17th Presidential campaign rest in peace so that he can go back to nailing his wife too hard and breaking her ribs.
For Kucinich, I can't decide between the shirt and the pet scarf.
Mike Gravel's store doesn't let you buy individual items, you just sort of get packages of stuff, depending on how much you contribute. So I'm gonna say the Platinum Donor Package is great, only because it includes "One personalized & signed photo of Mike Gravel" among other things. Which aside from being fucking pimp, also lets us see another side of Mike Gravel: not only is he sort of an angry old man, but he's also a little conceited! Hooray!
Stores taken down for Biden, Dodd and Richardson.
The Republicans
McCain doesn't actually have any interesting stuff, so I picked the sweater, because the model of this wins for looking like the biggest douchebag I've ever seen. And considering the other 3 models on the site, this was no easy contest.
I was gonna go with the giant foam mitt, but it seemed too cliched. So I chose Romney's family values button, featuring his 900 children and grandchildren. Also, it has a 3" diameter. So you can tell everyone that you value family more than they do. Just like Mitt.
I picked the "Chuck for Huck BBQ Apron" from Huckabee's store, but really, everything in there is fucking hilarious. Plus, his store is set up like Snorg with lots of different silkscreen designs to appeal to the young hipster in all of us.
A bat, with Rudy’s signature. Really. What dumbass staffer had the idea to get these made?
I could make so many jokes, but I’ll let you have some fun. Thanks Fred, for your geriatric, folksy racism that we all loved so much. You will kinda be missed.
For Ron Paul, none of the stuff looks all that good, until I saw a category called “Slim Jims.” Curious as to what these were, I looked. They’re palm cards. And they’re all deliciously mind-numbing. This campaign is so absurd. If none of the Slim Jims are available or appealing to you, you can always make a donation to the now-grounded Ron Paul blimp!
I mean, come on! It doesn’t even give a website, it just says to GOOGLE Ron Paul! Hilarious!
Alan Keyes links to random cafepress sites that cover everyone who's ever thought of running for President. His own website only sells stickers of various sizes and color combinations that read "We Need ALAN KEYES for President." Which is kind of hilarious itself, but not enough to actually download the PDF or buy. Alan, get a Kermit the Frog beanie baby up there, and we'll talk.
Stores taken down for Hunter, Brownback and Tancredo.
Also, this isn't a campaign website, but it was a sidebar ad on my facebook page today, and I thought it worth posting: Impromptu: an Austrailian website that sells tampons, condoms and other such products all glitzed up and prettified. Their motto: "Delivering the confidence to forget." Whatever that means. Check out the Moxie tampons--they have little bows on them!
Boston tomorrow, Ohio saturday. Yep. That's 21 of my next 48 hours spent in a car. Oh yeah.
The Democrats
Hillary bling. There's nothing more to be said.
They made a Hopestrong bracelet! And it's black!!! Get it?!?!? Just like Obama!
The gayest sticker EVER, may his 17th Presidential campaign rest in peace so that he can go back to nailing his wife too hard and breaking her ribs.
For Kucinich, I can't decide between the shirt and the pet scarf.
Mike Gravel's store doesn't let you buy individual items, you just sort of get packages of stuff, depending on how much you contribute. So I'm gonna say the Platinum Donor Package is great, only because it includes "One personalized & signed photo of Mike Gravel" among other things. Which aside from being fucking pimp, also lets us see another side of Mike Gravel: not only is he sort of an angry old man, but he's also a little conceited! Hooray!
Stores taken down for Biden, Dodd and Richardson.
The Republicans
McCain doesn't actually have any interesting stuff, so I picked the sweater, because the model of this wins for looking like the biggest douchebag I've ever seen. And considering the other 3 models on the site, this was no easy contest.
I was gonna go with the giant foam mitt, but it seemed too cliched. So I chose Romney's family values button, featuring his 900 children and grandchildren. Also, it has a 3" diameter. So you can tell everyone that you value family more than they do. Just like Mitt.
I picked the "Chuck for Huck BBQ Apron" from Huckabee's store, but really, everything in there is fucking hilarious. Plus, his store is set up like Snorg with lots of different silkscreen designs to appeal to the young hipster in all of us.
A bat, with Rudy’s signature. Really. What dumbass staffer had the idea to get these made?
I could make so many jokes, but I’ll let you have some fun. Thanks Fred, for your geriatric, folksy racism that we all loved so much. You will kinda be missed.
For Ron Paul, none of the stuff looks all that good, until I saw a category called “Slim Jims.” Curious as to what these were, I looked. They’re palm cards. And they’re all deliciously mind-numbing. This campaign is so absurd. If none of the Slim Jims are available or appealing to you, you can always make a donation to the now-grounded Ron Paul blimp!
I mean, come on! It doesn’t even give a website, it just says to GOOGLE Ron Paul! Hilarious!
Alan Keyes links to random cafepress sites that cover everyone who's ever thought of running for President. His own website only sells stickers of various sizes and color combinations that read "We Need ALAN KEYES for President." Which is kind of hilarious itself, but not enough to actually download the PDF or buy. Alan, get a Kermit the Frog beanie baby up there, and we'll talk.
Stores taken down for Hunter, Brownback and Tancredo.
Also, this isn't a campaign website, but it was a sidebar ad on my facebook page today, and I thought it worth posting: Impromptu: an Austrailian website that sells tampons, condoms and other such products all glitzed up and prettified. Their motto: "Delivering the confidence to forget." Whatever that means. Check out the Moxie tampons--they have little bows on them!
Boston tomorrow, Ohio saturday. Yep. That's 21 of my next 48 hours spent in a car. Oh yeah.