College Essay?

[blueyedpixi6889]

Under the Influence?

To define myself is to be set in stone, and that is the last thing I want. All that’s really true and factual is history, and I think you can get a pretty good idea of who I am by my personal history and how I tell it. I am from a large town between two cities in a small state. Our town is large enough to be a city

Comments

[test_rocker]

It's a nice detailed yet concise auto-bio, for sure. The tone of it does seem a little bit on the boring side, you may want to jazz it up a bit somehow.

How might one jazz it up?

Damned if I know, but I'm sure you could find a way.

The first paragraph is good and interesting. Leaves a sort of rustic image in my mind. The second paragraph though needs a little work in my opinion. Seems to have a slight elementary school-ish quality to it the way it jumps from family member to family member sentence by sentence. Feel free to take your time on some of them, or maybe list them all in one sentence but pick one to write more about. Perhaps more about your mother and what you feel were important lessons she taught you in life, or maybe what you mean by following your sister's footsteps and a little more about her. I'd suggest only picking one person though.

The third paragraph seems to not have too much focus. It is also your closing paragraph, but doesn't seem to make your point that well.

"I’ve been through my fair share of storms,

[clickxclash]

i liked this alot.
the most work it needs is maybe examples.

you have a voice and sense of humor that's not trying too hard.
and that's saying something.

[mrperrigo]

i like it.

[ring_0f_fire]

Abby, this is essay is very well-written but I think I am missing the "you" in it. I really like the way you started it and the way you began it. The intro sentence is strong and the conclusion ties it together. The metaphors you use in the last paragraph like "storms" and "deep lows" are sort of overused.

Boy oh boy, though, I wish I had a first draft as great as this. My first draft of my first essay was a mess. I am embarassed of most my original drafts, actually. Haha. This is an awesome start. I am not just saying that. The things I pointed are the things Mrs. Banfield pointed out to me in my essays.

Much love and good luck! <3

[blueveins011]

i really liked it but i agree with megan
i dont know what the topic or the focus was but it had a little bit of everything. i would suggest putting in more of your future goals, ending on a better note and focusing more on your strengths than weaknesses