(no subject)
I'm depressed and angry. At the world in general. Some parts of it in particular.
I give people chance after chance, I give all the understanding I can (and then try to make myself give more).
I defend people I disagree with, and I put the needs of others so often before my own (there are very few infringements upon myself that I will not forgive) but still I always feel that it is not enough and I am failing.
All in the desperate, manic hope that by being the best person I can be, I will lead by example. Other people will see and realise that it is possible to be like that, the world would be a better place if we WERE all like that. They will see their own greed and lack of consideration or empathy and be mindful of it. And they will change. And when they do it won't be so hard always, because they will take those chances, and they will respond in like to understanding. And everyone will end up happier and better people for it.
But it never happens. The scale is weighted at one end, but not at the other, and the unburdened side flies soaring into the air, and the weighted side falls clumsily down.
Sometimes I think I should stop wasting my strength fighting for others and just make myself the centre of the universe like most everyone else seems to do. Use all my passion and aggressive wit in pursuit of my own interests. No doubt I would benefit materially. If this is a race, there are many I could beat.
But then who am I kidding? No, I couldn't.
My concept of right and wrong is as much a part of me as arguing, or my tendency to think in colour and music rather than words. I could not go against it any more than I could jump off the roof and fly. I feared briefly that in constantly monitoring my own behaviour, I was going against my real self, but the truth is that to do otherwise would be denying my nature. I am sure that to knowingly go against what I know to be right would probably kill me.
So now I have but one more thing to work out. If fighting for what I believe is so difficult, does that mean that it I am not meant to fight, but rather to encourage others more suited to do it, or does it mean that it is meant to be so difficult because it is supposed to be a challenge to me as well as to the people I am challenging?
I give people chance after chance, I give all the understanding I can (and then try to make myself give more).
I defend people I disagree with, and I put the needs of others so often before my own (there are very few infringements upon myself that I will not forgive) but still I always feel that it is not enough and I am failing.
All in the desperate, manic hope that by being the best person I can be, I will lead by example. Other people will see and realise that it is possible to be like that, the world would be a better place if we WERE all like that. They will see their own greed and lack of consideration or empathy and be mindful of it. And they will change. And when they do it won't be so hard always, because they will take those chances, and they will respond in like to understanding. And everyone will end up happier and better people for it.
But it never happens. The scale is weighted at one end, but not at the other, and the unburdened side flies soaring into the air, and the weighted side falls clumsily down.
Sometimes I think I should stop wasting my strength fighting for others and just make myself the centre of the universe like most everyone else seems to do. Use all my passion and aggressive wit in pursuit of my own interests. No doubt I would benefit materially. If this is a race, there are many I could beat.
But then who am I kidding? No, I couldn't.
My concept of right and wrong is as much a part of me as arguing, or my tendency to think in colour and music rather than words. I could not go against it any more than I could jump off the roof and fly. I feared briefly that in constantly monitoring my own behaviour, I was going against my real self, but the truth is that to do otherwise would be denying my nature. I am sure that to knowingly go against what I know to be right would probably kill me.
So now I have but one more thing to work out. If fighting for what I believe is so difficult, does that mean that it I am not meant to fight, but rather to encourage others more suited to do it, or does it mean that it is meant to be so difficult because it is supposed to be a challenge to me as well as to the people I am challenging?