(no subject)
first day of 11th grade. everything is just as fucked up as it was last year. somehow. still. it seems all the progress ive made this summer has all just washed away, and i'm stuck right where i was before. its even worse with mr.t gone. mr.holvesosky is cool though, but no one will ever replalce mr.t. he helped through so much bad shit, he's cleaned up my cuts and scars before, he's talked to me about stuff...he's just been a really good friend. i walked into the band room today for Music Theory, after homeroom this morning, and i just started crying. i'm glad only Ricther was there, i've cried on his shoulder before so i'm not so insecure about it. but just all these goddamn memories and feelings and stuff came back, like the way he'd have the Blue Meanies or the Mad Caddies playing on the big old soundsystem, or the way he'd throw paper into the recycling basket and then do the rock and roll/devil sign finger thing (you know, with the pinky and the pointer and thumb all up, the two middle ones down), i remembered the day i came into his office, after school:
"mr.t, can we talk for a minute?" thats when i took off my sweatshirt and was bleeding profusely, he cleaned up the wounds and stayed with me all through the office and mr.matteo's office and everything. and now he's just gone. like that.
and of course...i saw hanna today. i wanted to talk to her, but couldnt since i didnt see her a lot and i'm just a big fucking dumbass loser.
xhopelesstimmyx (3:40:29 PM): ugh iu hate myself
x3ndless R4inx (3:40:47 PM): aww why timmy
xhopelesstimmyx (3:41:01 PM): cuz im suppose to be over her
x3ndless R4inx (3:41:32 PM): ....aww timmy... you will, might take some ...well no... alot of time
x3ndless R4inx (3:41:34 PM): but yu will
xhopelesstimmyx (3:41:54 PM): its been...oh...9-10 months
xhopelesstimmyx (3:41:56 PM): :-\
x3ndless R4inx (3:42:46 PM): it happens....>_>;;;;
you will....
xhopelesstimmyx (3:43:36 PM): she deserves the world
xhopelesstimmyx (3:43:42 PM): i just gave her a world of hell
x3ndless R4inx (3:43:56 PM): ..i doubt you did
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:01 PM): i did
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:06 PM): she told me so
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:09 PM): i didnt mean to
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:19 PM): i promise i didnt
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:22 PM): dont think i did
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:23 PM): please
xhopelesstimmyx (3:44:27 PM): please please pelase
x3ndless R4inx (3:46:33 PM): grr timym i have to o...but i love you hunn x0x0x0x0x <3333
yeah. i dont know...ugh. die timmy die. *stabs self, hangs self, chokes self, drowns self, OD's, and then just finally shoots himself in the head. through the mouth of course, like his picture of my beloved krist and kurt and dave:
thats it for now. love you all so much it hurts.
love,
timmy + my baby Frances