Coming Out
One of things that made a lasting impression on me from my weekend Opencon was something said in the Poly Activism workshop. There's a lot of things you can do to help make poly more widely understood and accepted, but one of the easiest is simply to be visible.
My wife and I aren't openly poly because of family issues which I won't go into, but that's no reason not to be open with at least some people. In fact I did once try, somewhat clumsily, to tell some colleagues. I did what I've heard other people recommend and simply started answering questions honestly without hiding things.
"Where's your wife this weekend?"
"She's visiting her other man."
"Oh... right. You mean her father?"
"No. Her other partner."
"Oh... so... hmm. Do you want another beer?"
It didn't work. People assumed I was winding them up or otherwise saying something they weren't expected to figure out. The one person that did take me at my word, asked some questions and seemed to take it well. He then went home and told his wife in a, "You'll never guess what..." sort of way and it was the last we saw of her socially for about a year. The subject has not been raised between us since.
It left me a little disinclined to talk about it. Do I really need to tell people? Perhaps I really should just keep it to myself. But it's gone too far most of my LJ posts are marked as friends only. I'm just about identifiable here, but only just. Really I'm just keeping my head down for an easy life.
But there was another thing that struck me at Opencon -- how wonderful it was to be able to eventually be able to let my guard down, to talk to people openly and without being on the defensive. It would be so much easier if I could do that more often rather than having to be secretive about my private life.
So I'm going to try to do a little bit to help. I'll try being more open with friends[1] about it, and I'll occasionally blog more visibly about poly related things. It may be only a little thing, but its a start, and if everyone poly was more visibly so, perhaps it would break down some of the misinformation and freak-value, not to mention dispelling the awful Car Keys In A Bowl clichés.
[1] First two friends told and the two responses came back as, "It doesn't change the respect we have for you," and "Yeah, I'd kinda guessed anyway." Well that wasn't so bad, was it?
My wife and I aren't openly poly because of family issues which I won't go into, but that's no reason not to be open with at least some people. In fact I did once try, somewhat clumsily, to tell some colleagues. I did what I've heard other people recommend and simply started answering questions honestly without hiding things.
"Where's your wife this weekend?"
"She's visiting her other man."
"Oh... right. You mean her father?"
"No. Her other partner."
"Oh... so... hmm. Do you want another beer?"
It didn't work. People assumed I was winding them up or otherwise saying something they weren't expected to figure out. The one person that did take me at my word, asked some questions and seemed to take it well. He then went home and told his wife in a, "You'll never guess what..." sort of way and it was the last we saw of her socially for about a year. The subject has not been raised between us since.
It left me a little disinclined to talk about it. Do I really need to tell people? Perhaps I really should just keep it to myself. But it's gone too far most of my LJ posts are marked as friends only. I'm just about identifiable here, but only just. Really I'm just keeping my head down for an easy life.
But there was another thing that struck me at Opencon -- how wonderful it was to be able to eventually be able to let my guard down, to talk to people openly and without being on the defensive. It would be so much easier if I could do that more often rather than having to be secretive about my private life.
So I'm going to try to do a little bit to help. I'll try being more open with friends[1] about it, and I'll occasionally blog more visibly about poly related things. It may be only a little thing, but its a start, and if everyone poly was more visibly so, perhaps it would break down some of the misinformation and freak-value, not to mention dispelling the awful Car Keys In A Bowl clichés.
[1] First two friends told and the two responses came back as, "It doesn't change the respect we have for you," and "Yeah, I'd kinda guessed anyway." Well that wasn't so bad, was it?