"The Show Must Go On" ch 21 & Review responses for ch 20
Dissociation - "So... wait... the state Kuja's in is because... he put himself in there?
...Damn... Though, all things considered, it makes sense. Better to just blank out after that much terror in your life than face it all again... I can see where Kuj is coming from... and I feel bad for him...
And you're right; that would be HORRIBLE, having to go through that crap alone..."
It's a coping mechanism, like a form of dissociation. So while he did technically do it to himself, he has no control over it and is unaware of what's going on when it happens.
I wasn't really aiming for this "boo-hoo, poor Kuja" scenario - I don't think he feels nearly as bad for himself as Zidane (or readers) would - but let's face it, there's no way Kuja had any semblance of a normal or happy upbringing. My impression of him from canon was he was very good at pretending to be normal, while being one or two steps away from becoming totally unhinged. And I think if he had recognized that on some level, and if he'd felt any affection towards baby Zidane at all, that that might've been enough to convince him that leaving Zidane on Gaia would've been preferable to raising him under Garland's orders on Terra... even if that meant he'd be the one left behind to bear the punishment.
Slower chapter - "A slow pace chapter, but there's a certain level of sadness in it that you can feel! I really hope Kuja gets back to normal soon."
It is a bit of a quieter chapter but I wasn't ready to have Kuja wake up yet and also wanted to get Zidane well settled before moving on.
Dreams - "I liked the parallels between Zidane's dreams which are sometimes a happy anticipation of the life he wants to share with Kuja and then turn darker as he remembers their last fight and his fears start to overtake him, and Kuja's own thoughts where he feels the sun on him and gentle hands, only to spiral down into darker thoughts and fears, unable to believe that these kinder feelings are real."
I can't imagine Kuja anticipating anything but the worst, given his situation - so the softer, nicer parts of his "dreams" must seem like they're just there to set him up for a more painful fall. The more he yearns for them, the worse it feels when he remembers the reality of what he's experienced in the past.
As for Zidane, while I can see him trying to remain optimistic, the reality is, things are not going well. Kuja's current condition is a setback he hadn't expected, and he feels helpless, not knowing what he can do to help. So while he's trying to take some solace in the fact that at least Kuja's alive, this wasn't how he imagined their life together would be.
Game music - "Reading your fic always makes me want to re play FF 9. . I had so many feel with the game, and you story makes my mind work in circles until I'm like "...Damn...gotta watch a walk through..." I agree that the music had some deep meaning to it."
I admit I'm constantly reading walkthroughs and playing the soundtrack while writing, so I suppose some of that leaks through into the story itself. There's usually a song or two I play to death while working on each chapter; I must've listened to an orchestral version of "You Are Not Alone" a few dozen times while working on this one. If I'm not listening to Final Fantasy music when writing this fic then it's Queen - anything else seems distracting.
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Latest chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8057142/22/
...Damn... Though, all things considered, it makes sense. Better to just blank out after that much terror in your life than face it all again... I can see where Kuj is coming from... and I feel bad for him...
And you're right; that would be HORRIBLE, having to go through that crap alone..."
It's a coping mechanism, like a form of dissociation. So while he did technically do it to himself, he has no control over it and is unaware of what's going on when it happens.
I wasn't really aiming for this "boo-hoo, poor Kuja" scenario - I don't think he feels nearly as bad for himself as Zidane (or readers) would - but let's face it, there's no way Kuja had any semblance of a normal or happy upbringing. My impression of him from canon was he was very good at pretending to be normal, while being one or two steps away from becoming totally unhinged. And I think if he had recognized that on some level, and if he'd felt any affection towards baby Zidane at all, that that might've been enough to convince him that leaving Zidane on Gaia would've been preferable to raising him under Garland's orders on Terra... even if that meant he'd be the one left behind to bear the punishment.
Slower chapter - "A slow pace chapter, but there's a certain level of sadness in it that you can feel! I really hope Kuja gets back to normal soon."
It is a bit of a quieter chapter but I wasn't ready to have Kuja wake up yet and also wanted to get Zidane well settled before moving on.
Dreams - "I liked the parallels between Zidane's dreams which are sometimes a happy anticipation of the life he wants to share with Kuja and then turn darker as he remembers their last fight and his fears start to overtake him, and Kuja's own thoughts where he feels the sun on him and gentle hands, only to spiral down into darker thoughts and fears, unable to believe that these kinder feelings are real."
I can't imagine Kuja anticipating anything but the worst, given his situation - so the softer, nicer parts of his "dreams" must seem like they're just there to set him up for a more painful fall. The more he yearns for them, the worse it feels when he remembers the reality of what he's experienced in the past.
As for Zidane, while I can see him trying to remain optimistic, the reality is, things are not going well. Kuja's current condition is a setback he hadn't expected, and he feels helpless, not knowing what he can do to help. So while he's trying to take some solace in the fact that at least Kuja's alive, this wasn't how he imagined their life together would be.
Game music - "Reading your fic always makes me want to re play FF 9. . I had so many feel with the game, and you story makes my mind work in circles until I'm like "...Damn...gotta watch a walk through..." I agree that the music had some deep meaning to it."
I admit I'm constantly reading walkthroughs and playing the soundtrack while writing, so I suppose some of that leaks through into the story itself. There's usually a song or two I play to death while working on each chapter; I must've listened to an orchestral version of "You Are Not Alone" a few dozen times while working on this one. If I'm not listening to Final Fantasy music when writing this fic then it's Queen - anything else seems distracting.
* * *
Latest chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8057142/22/