Speaking Out and Why It Matters
Those of you who follow my various print forums know that I have been tracking the recent hullabaloo regarding the "Twilight" series and its portrayal of the relationship between the heorine, Bella, and the vampire. This blog post might not go quite where you think it will, but I'm going to put a cut here, for the sake of politeness...
There are those who say that this series is nothing more than yet another portrayal of women as victims, doormats, and willing participants in their own rapes, abusive relationships, and that "Twilight" should be banned, or at the very least shunned, as an extremely bad example that we should not expose our daughters to.
There are also those who say, look, this is fiction. He's a vampire, we all know they don't exist, and he's sparkly besides. Kids are smart, we can trust them to make wise choices, and ultimately...well...the kids are all right. Sure, tens of thousands of tweens have crushes on this domineering, violent creature, but crushes pass like fads, and so will this one.
My initial thoughts, I'll admit, are born of internal conflict. As a writer, an author, and someone to whom words and the use of them matters...well...the books suck. Sorry, but from a writing professional's perspective I can't get past about a paragraph without feeling my molars lift out of their sockets. I'm also a folklorist, and something of a purist, and I whet my teeth on Bram Stoker's "Dracula" as a tween, back in the Dark Ages when vampires burnt to dust in the merest hint of sunlight creeping through a badly-boarded up window.
I'm also a survivor of sexual assault.
Here are a few rather frightening figures:
http://www.saynotoviolence.org/issue/facts-and-figures
http://wc.studentaffairs.duke.edu/sass/edu_info/topics/statistics.html
Sexual violence against women and girls receives a lot of attention, and I have to say that it's about damn time. When it happened to me in 1986, 'date rape' was one of those things that people weren't sure existed - if a girl doesn't say 'no,' is it rape? what if she can't say 'no,' because she's out of her mind with alcohol, drugs, or terror? can you *be* raped, if you went on the date willingly? If you got that drunk and had sex, that's not rape, is it? It's not fair for girls to lead boys on...
We've come a long way in twenty-three years.
But we still have a long way to go. For instance, we still live in a world where most women never report. I'm part of that camp, too; I knew no one would believe me, and I felt that I'd "asked for it" - welcome to the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to the psycho-emotional conflict and damage sexual assault causes. Hell, I still prefer to use the more polite form: "sexual assault" is easier for me to say, think, and type, than "rape."
"I'm a survivor of sexual assault", somehow, is easier to face than "I'm a rape victim." Both are true. One doesn't tear at my soul quite the way the other does.
Another myth: "no one wants to be raped." Not true. Some people - some very damaged, very abused, very screwed up people, learn to equate rape with ... well ... with what they deserve. "He's raping me again, but at least I know he loves me." Yes. That is how some people think. They really, truly need help from dedicated professionals and volunteer services.
Note - I am NOT speaking about rape-fantasy. LOTS of people have rape fantasies, of one kind or another. It's a perfectly normal thing, well within the broad spectrum of healthy sexual behavior, and in those cases it is the fantasy and not the reality that matters. I am also not talking about people who are engaged in consentual BDSM or related relationships. The consentual surrender of control is not the same thing as 'wanting to be raped,' and let's just say that and make it perfectly clear. I'm talking about people who have been the victims of systemic, sustained, sexual abuse for so long that they cannot differentiate that state of being from a healthy state of self- and mutual-respect.
While I'm at it, let's be fair about something else, too. There are a lot of people who are very vocal when it comes to sexual abuse against women, but say nothing - Not. One. Thing - about sexual abuse against men. Yes, it happens far more often to women. It happens far more often against women by men. It happens *most* often, it seems, against women by men who they know, as family or friends. But we don't hear a lot about women who are abused by other women. We hear less about men and boys who are abused by women, or men and boys who are abused by men and boys. What I am saying here is that, while we're at it, I think we should change the dialogue to include *ALL* forms of sexual violence.
Now, here's where things get a little more complicated, particularly for me and my point of view. I absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent believe in freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom of expression. Freedom of religion.
So. Should the "Twilight" series be 'banned?' NO. Absolutely NOT.
Should anyone be made to feel guilty, or 'attacked,' or otherwise looked-down-upon, because they happen to be among the thousands of millions who really kind of dig "Twilight?" NO. Absoultely NOT.
At the same time...I think we as a culture, and as thinking men and women, should consider this phenomenon from several angles. We should be able to discuss this, and bring it into the broader cultural dialogue. "Cinderella" portrays a girl abused by the women in her family, after all. Yes, yes it does. Does that make the movies that have spun off this story any less enjoyable? Well, maybe not - but we should be able to examine the tropes of the story, and think about what they mean. Aurora is the Sleeping Beauty; helpless until a strange man comes into her bedroom, kisses her, and becomes her salvation. Not a good trope for a girl to think about, either. And then there are all of Bluebeard's wives...
You know which princess I like best? Leia of Alderran. Sure, she gets rescued by Luke and Han, but what is her response? "Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?" Priceless. And then she picks up a blaster and participates in her own rescue. She's the leader of the rebel alliance, a strong woman who happens to also be a princess, thankyouverymuch. Let's be honest - she falls for the "rascal bad guy," a trope that only serves to reinforce the "bad guys can be changed by the right woman" trope - and I think we all know where that leads. But what are her choices, really? The rakish scamp, the wookie, two robots, the old dead dude, or her brother.
Still - she's in charge of her own destiny. THAT is the kind of princess I wish more little girls wanted to be.
I digress.
The point is this: we need to continue what is, at its essence, a dialogue that has been awkward, uncomfortable, rage-filled, terrifying, challenging, occasionally censored, but which is slowly and consistently altering the course of our entire focus on human rights.
So I say that until the very last person to ever experience a sexual assault or sexual violence has died, we need to keep talking. After that, we need to keep telling the stories, so that the children who are born know why we had to talk about these things, and why we thought they were so important.
I'm a survivor of sexual assault. I'm not a statistic, and I'm not a victim. I'm a woman who stands up, and speaks out, because I do not want anyone to share the experiences I've had.
There are those who say that this series is nothing more than yet another portrayal of women as victims, doormats, and willing participants in their own rapes, abusive relationships, and that "Twilight" should be banned, or at the very least shunned, as an extremely bad example that we should not expose our daughters to.
There are also those who say, look, this is fiction. He's a vampire, we all know they don't exist, and he's sparkly besides. Kids are smart, we can trust them to make wise choices, and ultimately...well...the kids are all right. Sure, tens of thousands of tweens have crushes on this domineering, violent creature, but crushes pass like fads, and so will this one.
My initial thoughts, I'll admit, are born of internal conflict. As a writer, an author, and someone to whom words and the use of them matters...well...the books suck. Sorry, but from a writing professional's perspective I can't get past about a paragraph without feeling my molars lift out of their sockets. I'm also a folklorist, and something of a purist, and I whet my teeth on Bram Stoker's "Dracula" as a tween, back in the Dark Ages when vampires burnt to dust in the merest hint of sunlight creeping through a badly-boarded up window.
I'm also a survivor of sexual assault.
Here are a few rather frightening figures:
http://www.saynotoviolence.org/issue/facts-and-figures
http://wc.studentaffairs.duke.edu/sass/edu_info/topics/statistics.html
Sexual violence against women and girls receives a lot of attention, and I have to say that it's about damn time. When it happened to me in 1986, 'date rape' was one of those things that people weren't sure existed - if a girl doesn't say 'no,' is it rape? what if she can't say 'no,' because she's out of her mind with alcohol, drugs, or terror? can you *be* raped, if you went on the date willingly? If you got that drunk and had sex, that's not rape, is it? It's not fair for girls to lead boys on...
We've come a long way in twenty-three years.
But we still have a long way to go. For instance, we still live in a world where most women never report. I'm part of that camp, too; I knew no one would believe me, and I felt that I'd "asked for it" - welcome to the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to the psycho-emotional conflict and damage sexual assault causes. Hell, I still prefer to use the more polite form: "sexual assault" is easier for me to say, think, and type, than "rape."
"I'm a survivor of sexual assault", somehow, is easier to face than "I'm a rape victim." Both are true. One doesn't tear at my soul quite the way the other does.
Another myth: "no one wants to be raped." Not true. Some people - some very damaged, very abused, very screwed up people, learn to equate rape with ... well ... with what they deserve. "He's raping me again, but at least I know he loves me." Yes. That is how some people think. They really, truly need help from dedicated professionals and volunteer services.
Note - I am NOT speaking about rape-fantasy. LOTS of people have rape fantasies, of one kind or another. It's a perfectly normal thing, well within the broad spectrum of healthy sexual behavior, and in those cases it is the fantasy and not the reality that matters. I am also not talking about people who are engaged in consentual BDSM or related relationships. The consentual surrender of control is not the same thing as 'wanting to be raped,' and let's just say that and make it perfectly clear. I'm talking about people who have been the victims of systemic, sustained, sexual abuse for so long that they cannot differentiate that state of being from a healthy state of self- and mutual-respect.
While I'm at it, let's be fair about something else, too. There are a lot of people who are very vocal when it comes to sexual abuse against women, but say nothing - Not. One. Thing - about sexual abuse against men. Yes, it happens far more often to women. It happens far more often against women by men. It happens *most* often, it seems, against women by men who they know, as family or friends. But we don't hear a lot about women who are abused by other women. We hear less about men and boys who are abused by women, or men and boys who are abused by men and boys. What I am saying here is that, while we're at it, I think we should change the dialogue to include *ALL* forms of sexual violence.
Now, here's where things get a little more complicated, particularly for me and my point of view. I absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent believe in freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom of expression. Freedom of religion.
So. Should the "Twilight" series be 'banned?' NO. Absolutely NOT.
Should anyone be made to feel guilty, or 'attacked,' or otherwise looked-down-upon, because they happen to be among the thousands of millions who really kind of dig "Twilight?" NO. Absoultely NOT.
At the same time...I think we as a culture, and as thinking men and women, should consider this phenomenon from several angles. We should be able to discuss this, and bring it into the broader cultural dialogue. "Cinderella" portrays a girl abused by the women in her family, after all. Yes, yes it does. Does that make the movies that have spun off this story any less enjoyable? Well, maybe not - but we should be able to examine the tropes of the story, and think about what they mean. Aurora is the Sleeping Beauty; helpless until a strange man comes into her bedroom, kisses her, and becomes her salvation. Not a good trope for a girl to think about, either. And then there are all of Bluebeard's wives...
You know which princess I like best? Leia of Alderran. Sure, she gets rescued by Luke and Han, but what is her response? "Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?" Priceless. And then she picks up a blaster and participates in her own rescue. She's the leader of the rebel alliance, a strong woman who happens to also be a princess, thankyouverymuch. Let's be honest - she falls for the "rascal bad guy," a trope that only serves to reinforce the "bad guys can be changed by the right woman" trope - and I think we all know where that leads. But what are her choices, really? The rakish scamp, the wookie, two robots, the old dead dude, or her brother.
Still - she's in charge of her own destiny. THAT is the kind of princess I wish more little girls wanted to be.
I digress.
The point is this: we need to continue what is, at its essence, a dialogue that has been awkward, uncomfortable, rage-filled, terrifying, challenging, occasionally censored, but which is slowly and consistently altering the course of our entire focus on human rights.
So I say that until the very last person to ever experience a sexual assault or sexual violence has died, we need to keep talking. After that, we need to keep telling the stories, so that the children who are born know why we had to talk about these things, and why we thought they were so important.
I'm a survivor of sexual assault. I'm not a statistic, and I'm not a victim. I'm a woman who stands up, and speaks out, because I do not want anyone to share the experiences I've had.