woe is me. i hate myself.
[Okay, this is NOT a private post. So, you can reply IC. Yeah.]
There has been a few times where I said I wish I could die and just… not have to “be” anymore… But now I know that those times, I just completely overreacted… This is so much bigger, this hurts so much more… and I have no right saying this hurts because nothing happened to me. I’m just where I’ve always been
I’ll never get to know what it’s like to feel like he does… I mean, you have the greatest thing in the world that loves you to pieces, and you go and do something like this? Why? How much more can you fuck up? And you just go along, and you do that, you hurt him, and Rich just… is Rich. Because he loves you and you love him and it makes me sick. I will never get to feel what he feels; I will never get to be loved the way he’s loved…
And ya know what? I’m getting sick of trying to… fix things. I’m just gonna stop fucking around, stop sleeping with people just to wash away that pain… because, that’s getting me nowhere. I’ve lived like that way too long. Just fucking people isn’t going to rid of that pain; because love and lust are two totally different things. And for the longest time, I thought I could make up for other with the other one… I can’t; I know that now. I’m just naïve.
I’m finally going to get over this; I am. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to be living my life in total misery, wishing I could just hate the ground he walks on… because he has what I’ll never have; the only thing I really ever wanted and needed. So, if I just get over this, won’t it all be okay? Won’t I move on and not dwell on what I can never have? I hope so.
I suppose the most shocking thing of this whole ordeal is that even though I’m coming out with so much lost, I have one thing gained. I found a person who knows where I’m coming from, who understands what I’m feeling… I guess I can’t ask for much more…
I think I’m done being a spineless prick now.