Comments | bobsadventures: Manifest, part 5

bobsadventures

Manifest, part 5

Mar 16, 2005 17:15

Lunchtime came both as a relief and a new terror, simultaneously. Arthur was torn between wanting that thing out of his sight as soon as possible, and fear of what it might do while he was gone. He'd considered taking it with him to lunch, but he didn't know how he would explain it to anyone who might see it. Besides, the thought of carrying the ( Read more... )

Comments 3

sandrylene March 17 2005, 18:17:37 UTC

I like the manner in which you describe the creature - you don't go to any pains to actually bring attention to it for long stretches of time, then you point out a bit of its oddity in passing. It sort of mixes the surreal nature of it in with the every day humdrumness of life very effectively.

Also, I wonder if you chose "Arthur" for a reason. He's sort of reminiscent of Arthur Dent in the manner that things seem to happen to him and he's clearly out of his depth, but trying to react rationally. I suppose that'd be true of most people in this situation, but there's something about the mannerisms which just reminds me.

justnathan March 18 2005, 03:20:32 UTC

I'm enjoying the story so far; I'm interested to see what sort of link the creature has to him and how the whole thing will progress. Technically, I like the dialogue and the general feel of the main character. I think that more detail could help with the story. At the moment it doesn't have too much that's tangible for me to hold on to. I'm not thinking Hawthorne-esque descriptions of roses for 8 pages, but a bit more could just make the whole thing come alive a bit more.

stuffedinvader March 18 2005, 07:15:13 UTC

I have to say I like where this is going. Its an interesting plot and a character most people can associate with. I love how you've described the creature and its reaction to Arthur, as well as what happens every time Arthur tries to get rid of it.

The only thing I'm not following so far, is a trivial matter. I fail to see how coughing up a black thing cured Arthur of his illness from the night before. He was sick as a dog the night before, but fine the next day? A bit of a continuity issue there is all.