A dream.
I had a dream that it was the last day of senior year. Everybody was wandering around outside, dazed, staring at each other in the most impossible sunlight. All we could say to each other was "Did you think--?" "Could you imagine we'd--?" And then Caitlin came up to me and put her arm around me and said, "Do you know how long I've known you now, Cislo?" And I said, "All of our lives." And she laughed, and slowly faded away. And I kept wandering around the outside of the school, around and around, until it was night, and I kept bumping into people, but I couldn't see their faces. I was touching their faces and I knew them, but it was darkening quickly and the big pine tree by the corner of the senior parking lot reached out its massive boughs to me and wrapped me in them, and stroked my face until I cried, and cried, and fell asleep with only a few stars visible through the fronds of the pine needles. I woke up to Dan's jacket wrapped around me and the faintest flesh of dawn warming the sky.
In the moments that make me happiest, I want to stop time. Stop stop stop. I don't want to move on, and I don't want to stay here. I only have moments that are mine, that I want to keep, that I want to string and pop into my mouth and suck on until they filter into my blood and never leave. Moon and sun on water.
The moon helps me remember that, on the nights when she's full. She leans down and reflects off of my handkerchief-covered mirror, the one that shows not faces but memories and ones not even my own, memories of stones and water and arching limbs (both human and tree) and coarse dawns, coarse grass, coarse history. The dearest Natrix and I talked about the feeling of falling, of belonging somewhere else and partially melting into it, feeling an inexorable tug and the compulsion to follow, but with no idea of how to do so. This isn't even a sadness the way it used to be, it's a glimmer of something I already have but cannot expand upon, cannot plant and watch grow. Why are my thoughts always drawn to open moors and wind? Blues and grays and his hand on my hip, and I would never want it anywhere else but there on me.
I want to dream that everyone I've ever truly loved will disappear with me, dissolve, dissolutely dissipate into the cool surface of the mirror, a Rapture of my love, and I'll dress them all in words and we'll never worry again. How can I tell them that sadness and love are wedded?
There is no apology here, as I normally give for sadness. I am so content I could float on it, build tangible shapes of it.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR PURPOSE, SCREAM YES YES WE HEAR YOU YES YES WE KNOW.
Together we will build a world of purpose.
In the moments that make me happiest, I want to stop time. Stop stop stop. I don't want to move on, and I don't want to stay here. I only have moments that are mine, that I want to keep, that I want to string and pop into my mouth and suck on until they filter into my blood and never leave. Moon and sun on water.
The moon helps me remember that, on the nights when she's full. She leans down and reflects off of my handkerchief-covered mirror, the one that shows not faces but memories and ones not even my own, memories of stones and water and arching limbs (both human and tree) and coarse dawns, coarse grass, coarse history. The dearest Natrix and I talked about the feeling of falling, of belonging somewhere else and partially melting into it, feeling an inexorable tug and the compulsion to follow, but with no idea of how to do so. This isn't even a sadness the way it used to be, it's a glimmer of something I already have but cannot expand upon, cannot plant and watch grow. Why are my thoughts always drawn to open moors and wind? Blues and grays and his hand on my hip, and I would never want it anywhere else but there on me.
I want to dream that everyone I've ever truly loved will disappear with me, dissolve, dissolutely dissipate into the cool surface of the mirror, a Rapture of my love, and I'll dress them all in words and we'll never worry again. How can I tell them that sadness and love are wedded?
There is no apology here, as I normally give for sadness. I am so content I could float on it, build tangible shapes of it.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR PURPOSE, SCREAM YES YES WE HEAR YOU YES YES WE KNOW.
Together we will build a world of purpose.