(no subject)
The Dark Secrets
(Any similarities between this writing and someone else’s is purely coincidental or blatant plagiarism. Enjoy)
The other day the wife was getting upset at me. This not unusual. Her complaint this time involve the sense of humor I have. She is worried that this type of sense of humor is genetic. I assured her that NOT all of this sense of humor is genetic but due to society. More specific, a lot of this problem comes from the people I was associated with.
It was at this point the wife asked me to please provide evidence that society is partially at fault.
I then went to Facebook and showed her those people I was associated, one way or another, back in high school.
Now if the following is to offensive, degrading, insulting, etc. please forgive me.
The following people will be spared from my comments.
1. Relatives. (Hey, they are already suffering from the fact that they are related to me)
2. People from other Social Networking Sites. (I did not know these people back in High school and therefore it is not their fault)
3. Union personnel. (Never blame the unions, because it is ALWAYS the fault of management)
4. People not yet confirmed to be friends on Facebook. (Hey, no fun if they cannot see what I am writing)
5. Tuba Players.
I now need to explain the last one. Tuba players are unique and cannot be at fault because of “The Proclamation of the Divine”
This proclamation is not from the self but from those that “sit or stand on high” .
Normally the people making such proclamations are Band Directors, Field Assistants, Field Commanders, Drum Majors, etc.
The proclamation usually is followed by a question.
i.e. “GOD! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO MARCH LIKE THAT?”
Sometimes the proclamation was not about a tuba player’s divinity but the divinity of his/her teacher.
i.e. “WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY LIKE THAT? JESUS CHRIST!”
Now, if one does not believe me, go ask my cousin Terri, or Jerry Groce. They can back up what I say. Also Dan Imes, Evert Windland, Ron Hoover, or Bill Walker , those four being a band director or a former field assistant.
Also, whenever a band is getting their picture taken or are performing at a basketball game, where is the Tuba player? On the top most step, in the middle as if they are gods from Asgard watching over the mere mortals of Midgard.
My brother tried to stand up in the area of the tuba players once and got a severe nose bleed. He was to re-enter the plane of the mortals.
Hey, we tuba players did not make this proclamation, but was given to us by others.
Now, back to the topic.
The ground rules have been established.
This is what I told my wife…
The first person I mention to my wife was…
Michelle Darnell. I should mention that her name back in high school was Melanie Ward. She was my first girlfriend. We dated on and off for a couple of years. The relationship would be great and then suddenly dead, then back to great again. My only problem was that she insisted that I call her Madam Empress Xanadu.
Finally, one day in the band room, she took a knife, stabbed me in the chest, ripped out my heart, put in a blender and hit patte’. She then pour it into a cup, chewed it, spit it out, stomped on it, had a dead squirrel defecate on it, then she reinsetered it back into my body. She then said, “Let’s just be friends.”
A wonderful lady indeed.
Next victim…err…person.
Arnold Diamond. An interesting lad. A nice person, always helpful to little kids. He would say hi to me, but then for some unknown reason at the time, he would go hide somewhere and spy on people. I found out later that he was actually an agent for some shadow government agency investigating possible infiltration of commies at Boyd County. don’t know more than that except to say I heard that the pay was great.
Brian Simmons. Sir Brian I use to call him. He would come into school dress up in a knight’s outfit and would go off to try to save some damsel in distress. The problem was the damsel he would save would not actually be in distressed. Hey, at least he tried.
Carl Miller. Was a squire to Brian. The only problem was whenever Brian would ask for his sword, Carl usually gave him a nine-iron .
Carla Johnson Blair. A nice lady. I accidentally ran into her while rushing to class and dropped all of my books. She hit me over my head with a baseball bat then walked right in top of me. She would then say “Oh, sorry, have a nice day.” She was very polite
Chuck Caines. Chuck was always nice to animals. He would care for them. During one cold winter night, he took a goat into his bedroom so the poor thing would not get cold. He fed it by candlelight, with soft music in the background, a nice bottle of Bollinger. You get the idea.
Craig Doolin. We normally asked Craig to stay in the closet. This had NOTHING to do with his sexuality. He went to Fairview High School. It was an unwritten rule that people from Boyd County would keep the people from Fairview in a closet. This was better treatment then the treatment we gave to those from Greenup or Paul Blazer. Just ask anyone from Fairview.
The Imes Brothers. There were three of them. David, Daniel and Dwayne. I always felt that David was the sane one of the three. I remember one day seeing David grab his father by his shirt demanding him to say that he was adopted and not related to the other two. The father said David was adopted. Now the father said he said that because David coerced him into saying that. I am not sure why David would do such things. His brothers were very nice boys.
Daniel was very nice. He was very helpful with old ladies trying to cross the street. He would put them in the sling part of a trebuchet and flinged them across busy streets. Dwayne would even get them a drink and a smoke. Of course the drink was gasoline and for some reason Dwayne kept spilling the gas on the ladies. But he would give them a smoke. Those boys always had a nice way to lighten up the night.
Charles Porter. CP was another nice boy. We both started together in the band back in the 6th grade at Summit Elementary. He also studied the works and words of Tomás de Torquemada . He even had some of the contraption that Torquemada might have used. He thought about opening his own chiropractic clinic when he got old enough.
CindyPeppard Wright. What can I say about her. Not much. It’s not that I do not want to, it is just the fact that I have been given a gag order to not talk about certain events about her. This gag order is not from a judge but was signed by President Ronald Reagan. I have since received similar gag orders from G.H.W.Bush , Bill Clinton, and G.W.Bush. Just yesterday I got a letter for President Barack Obama…
Dear Mr, Walker
In regards to the events and incidents that occurred with respects to Cindy Peppard, now known as Cindy Peppard Wright, you are do hereby order to refraim from mentioning such events and incidents. Such mentioning will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowed by the Constitution and current treaties with those countries involve. Punishment, if found guilty , is execution, followed by reanimation followed by another execution.
Hope all is well and give my regards to the wife and kiddies
Barack Obama
President of the United States of America
p.s. Go Bears.
So, as you can see, I cannot mention Cindy.
David Polakovs. This lad was a bit more difficult to explain. David use to wear this interesting make-up. I think he was working with Arnold Diamond. Here is a picture of David after he would put on his make-up. http://z.about.com/d/geography/1/0/y/F/mailbox.JPG
As you can see, from the work of these find young men, the commies never could infiltrate BCHS.
John Mitchell Stafford. This poor lad suffered greatly. He is still today traumatized by what happen to him. Once a week, each week, during marching season, He would be kidnapped and taken behind the bandroom. Patsy Ekers, and Kathy Salmon would nail his head into the ground. Casandra Brown would rip off his clothes. Sandy Caskey would scrub him from head to toe using steel wool. Rhonda Moore would pour pure grain over top of him. Then finally Tammi Griffits would light a match and throw it on him.
Tammy Hart would take over, put the fire out using a 50 pound bag of salt. Tammy Hennecke would remove the nails from his head and then yell at him for being indecent behind the band room.
Gary Michael Branham. He suffered the same fate as Mitchell. Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Tonya Preston Jaggers. A lovely lady. When I decided to switch back to playing the flute, her and the other flute players hired Jeff Griffith to rub me out unless I switched back to tuba. The sad news is they had to pay in advance and I already switched back.
Ron Hoover. Ron was my band director. He always told me to let the music flow through me. Here is a picture of him from back then. http://www.youthink.com/quiz_images/quiz1013outcome6.jpg
Frederick Horn. Fred was a self proclaim prophet for General Zod. He would stand on top of the school saying “REPENT! TURN AWAY FROM THE TEACHINGS OF THE EVIL JAILER JOR-EL! PRAY THAT THE BENOVELENT GENERAL ZOD WILL SHOW MERCY ON YOU! PREPARE THY SELF FOR THE ARRIVAL OF THE GREAT GENERAL ZOD!”
Elliott Gollihue. Elliott was a very nice person. That’s it. He was a very nice person.
OK, he was campaighn manager when I ran for a class office. He told me to promise everyone eternal life if I got elected. I did not get elected.
Rex Sturgill. Rex was my partner in crime…er…physics lab partner. Our physics teacher had a voice more monotone than Ben Stein. However, there were only two times did I notice any change in the tone of her voice. And it usually occurred after a couple of boys would do something she did not approve. Those two boys were Rex and I. She got excited and freaked out when she caught Rex and I playing with the liquid mercury. You should see the way quicksilver beads on the lab table. The other time, we were separating Oxygen from the Hydrogen in water. The teacher asked us how can we tell if the test tube had Oxygen or hydrogen. I whipped out a match and said let’s put a fire to it. She freaked out again. I think she wanted a method of determination without destroying the product.
Timothy Lee Daniel. Tim-bo for short. He had jeep with these monstrous tires and one badass engine. He would give rides to sophmores from the band room to the choir room. He was also a big Willie Nelson fan. I mean he really admire Willie. Whenever I would come over to his house, he would play Willie Nelson music, read from books about Willie Nelson. However I was not allow to go or even peak into his backyard. He said he was growing something for Willie back there.
Todd Stewart. Todd became senior class president. It was a close race between him and his opponent. Both guys promised a strip stage with a striptease poll in the gym. The opponent promised strip girls. But Todd promised nude male strippers. He said I could be the first male stripper. Obviously this was a campaign promise he did not keep.
Wade Franklin. Band chaplin. Say no more.
Evert Windland. This man was a saint. He would try to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. He would walk around the school wearing his monk outfit, speaking at us men on how we should live a chastised life. Always speaking out against fornification, lust, and other sinful items.
Lawrence Wiley. He had a small voodoo altar setup to pay homage to Maynard Ferguson, Herb Alpert, and Doc Severinson. He would give offering of rum to this alter. He would also keep a parrot above the altar.
Ginger Baily Thompson. She was just this free spirit running around the school. A little to free for the taste of the school board. Often times the principle would get on the school intercom and ask Ginger to please put her clothes back on.
So as you can see I explain to the wife on the fact that my humor is not my fault. She then threw me down ripped off my clothes, scrubbed me with a steel wool, pour pure grain on my body, light me on fire and as I go screaming she would insist that I call her Madam Empress Xanadu Supreme.
Bob Walker
(Any similarities between this writing and someone else’s is purely coincidental or blatant plagiarism. Enjoy)
The other day the wife was getting upset at me. This not unusual. Her complaint this time involve the sense of humor I have. She is worried that this type of sense of humor is genetic. I assured her that NOT all of this sense of humor is genetic but due to society. More specific, a lot of this problem comes from the people I was associated with.
It was at this point the wife asked me to please provide evidence that society is partially at fault.
I then went to Facebook and showed her those people I was associated, one way or another, back in high school.
Now if the following is to offensive, degrading, insulting, etc. please forgive me.
The following people will be spared from my comments.
1. Relatives. (Hey, they are already suffering from the fact that they are related to me)
2. People from other Social Networking Sites. (I did not know these people back in High school and therefore it is not their fault)
3. Union personnel. (Never blame the unions, because it is ALWAYS the fault of management)
4. People not yet confirmed to be friends on Facebook. (Hey, no fun if they cannot see what I am writing)
5. Tuba Players.
I now need to explain the last one. Tuba players are unique and cannot be at fault because of “The Proclamation of the Divine”
This proclamation is not from the self but from those that “sit or stand on high” .
Normally the people making such proclamations are Band Directors, Field Assistants, Field Commanders, Drum Majors, etc.
The proclamation usually is followed by a question.
i.e. “GOD! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO MARCH LIKE THAT?”
Sometimes the proclamation was not about a tuba player’s divinity but the divinity of his/her teacher.
i.e. “WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY LIKE THAT? JESUS CHRIST!”
Now, if one does not believe me, go ask my cousin Terri, or Jerry Groce. They can back up what I say. Also Dan Imes, Evert Windland, Ron Hoover, or Bill Walker , those four being a band director or a former field assistant.
Also, whenever a band is getting their picture taken or are performing at a basketball game, where is the Tuba player? On the top most step, in the middle as if they are gods from Asgard watching over the mere mortals of Midgard.
My brother tried to stand up in the area of the tuba players once and got a severe nose bleed. He was to re-enter the plane of the mortals.
Hey, we tuba players did not make this proclamation, but was given to us by others.
Now, back to the topic.
The ground rules have been established.
This is what I told my wife…
The first person I mention to my wife was…
Michelle Darnell. I should mention that her name back in high school was Melanie Ward. She was my first girlfriend. We dated on and off for a couple of years. The relationship would be great and then suddenly dead, then back to great again. My only problem was that she insisted that I call her Madam Empress Xanadu.
Finally, one day in the band room, she took a knife, stabbed me in the chest, ripped out my heart, put in a blender and hit patte’. She then pour it into a cup, chewed it, spit it out, stomped on it, had a dead squirrel defecate on it, then she reinsetered it back into my body. She then said, “Let’s just be friends.”
A wonderful lady indeed.
Next victim…err…person.
Arnold Diamond. An interesting lad. A nice person, always helpful to little kids. He would say hi to me, but then for some unknown reason at the time, he would go hide somewhere and spy on people. I found out later that he was actually an agent for some shadow government agency investigating possible infiltration of commies at Boyd County. don’t know more than that except to say I heard that the pay was great.
Brian Simmons. Sir Brian I use to call him. He would come into school dress up in a knight’s outfit and would go off to try to save some damsel in distress. The problem was the damsel he would save would not actually be in distressed. Hey, at least he tried.
Carl Miller. Was a squire to Brian. The only problem was whenever Brian would ask for his sword, Carl usually gave him a nine-iron .
Carla Johnson Blair. A nice lady. I accidentally ran into her while rushing to class and dropped all of my books. She hit me over my head with a baseball bat then walked right in top of me. She would then say “Oh, sorry, have a nice day.” She was very polite
Chuck Caines. Chuck was always nice to animals. He would care for them. During one cold winter night, he took a goat into his bedroom so the poor thing would not get cold. He fed it by candlelight, with soft music in the background, a nice bottle of Bollinger. You get the idea.
Craig Doolin. We normally asked Craig to stay in the closet. This had NOTHING to do with his sexuality. He went to Fairview High School. It was an unwritten rule that people from Boyd County would keep the people from Fairview in a closet. This was better treatment then the treatment we gave to those from Greenup or Paul Blazer. Just ask anyone from Fairview.
The Imes Brothers. There were three of them. David, Daniel and Dwayne. I always felt that David was the sane one of the three. I remember one day seeing David grab his father by his shirt demanding him to say that he was adopted and not related to the other two. The father said David was adopted. Now the father said he said that because David coerced him into saying that. I am not sure why David would do such things. His brothers were very nice boys.
Daniel was very nice. He was very helpful with old ladies trying to cross the street. He would put them in the sling part of a trebuchet and flinged them across busy streets. Dwayne would even get them a drink and a smoke. Of course the drink was gasoline and for some reason Dwayne kept spilling the gas on the ladies. But he would give them a smoke. Those boys always had a nice way to lighten up the night.
Charles Porter. CP was another nice boy. We both started together in the band back in the 6th grade at Summit Elementary. He also studied the works and words of Tomás de Torquemada . He even had some of the contraption that Torquemada might have used. He thought about opening his own chiropractic clinic when he got old enough.
CindyPeppard Wright. What can I say about her. Not much. It’s not that I do not want to, it is just the fact that I have been given a gag order to not talk about certain events about her. This gag order is not from a judge but was signed by President Ronald Reagan. I have since received similar gag orders from G.H.W.Bush , Bill Clinton, and G.W.Bush. Just yesterday I got a letter for President Barack Obama…
Dear Mr, Walker
In regards to the events and incidents that occurred with respects to Cindy Peppard, now known as Cindy Peppard Wright, you are do hereby order to refraim from mentioning such events and incidents. Such mentioning will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowed by the Constitution and current treaties with those countries involve. Punishment, if found guilty , is execution, followed by reanimation followed by another execution.
Hope all is well and give my regards to the wife and kiddies
Barack Obama
President of the United States of America
p.s. Go Bears.
So, as you can see, I cannot mention Cindy.
David Polakovs. This lad was a bit more difficult to explain. David use to wear this interesting make-up. I think he was working with Arnold Diamond. Here is a picture of David after he would put on his make-up. http://z.about.com/d/geography/1/0/y/F/mailbox.JPG
As you can see, from the work of these find young men, the commies never could infiltrate BCHS.
John Mitchell Stafford. This poor lad suffered greatly. He is still today traumatized by what happen to him. Once a week, each week, during marching season, He would be kidnapped and taken behind the bandroom. Patsy Ekers, and Kathy Salmon would nail his head into the ground. Casandra Brown would rip off his clothes. Sandy Caskey would scrub him from head to toe using steel wool. Rhonda Moore would pour pure grain over top of him. Then finally Tammi Griffits would light a match and throw it on him.
Tammy Hart would take over, put the fire out using a 50 pound bag of salt. Tammy Hennecke would remove the nails from his head and then yell at him for being indecent behind the band room.
Gary Michael Branham. He suffered the same fate as Mitchell. Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Tonya Preston Jaggers. A lovely lady. When I decided to switch back to playing the flute, her and the other flute players hired Jeff Griffith to rub me out unless I switched back to tuba. The sad news is they had to pay in advance and I already switched back.
Ron Hoover. Ron was my band director. He always told me to let the music flow through me. Here is a picture of him from back then. http://www.youthink.com/quiz_images/quiz1013outcome6.jpg
Frederick Horn. Fred was a self proclaim prophet for General Zod. He would stand on top of the school saying “REPENT! TURN AWAY FROM THE TEACHINGS OF THE EVIL JAILER JOR-EL! PRAY THAT THE BENOVELENT GENERAL ZOD WILL SHOW MERCY ON YOU! PREPARE THY SELF FOR THE ARRIVAL OF THE GREAT GENERAL ZOD!”
Elliott Gollihue. Elliott was a very nice person. That’s it. He was a very nice person.
OK, he was campaighn manager when I ran for a class office. He told me to promise everyone eternal life if I got elected. I did not get elected.
Rex Sturgill. Rex was my partner in crime…er…physics lab partner. Our physics teacher had a voice more monotone than Ben Stein. However, there were only two times did I notice any change in the tone of her voice. And it usually occurred after a couple of boys would do something she did not approve. Those two boys were Rex and I. She got excited and freaked out when she caught Rex and I playing with the liquid mercury. You should see the way quicksilver beads on the lab table. The other time, we were separating Oxygen from the Hydrogen in water. The teacher asked us how can we tell if the test tube had Oxygen or hydrogen. I whipped out a match and said let’s put a fire to it. She freaked out again. I think she wanted a method of determination without destroying the product.
Timothy Lee Daniel. Tim-bo for short. He had jeep with these monstrous tires and one badass engine. He would give rides to sophmores from the band room to the choir room. He was also a big Willie Nelson fan. I mean he really admire Willie. Whenever I would come over to his house, he would play Willie Nelson music, read from books about Willie Nelson. However I was not allow to go or even peak into his backyard. He said he was growing something for Willie back there.
Todd Stewart. Todd became senior class president. It was a close race between him and his opponent. Both guys promised a strip stage with a striptease poll in the gym. The opponent promised strip girls. But Todd promised nude male strippers. He said I could be the first male stripper. Obviously this was a campaign promise he did not keep.
Wade Franklin. Band chaplin. Say no more.
Evert Windland. This man was a saint. He would try to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. He would walk around the school wearing his monk outfit, speaking at us men on how we should live a chastised life. Always speaking out against fornification, lust, and other sinful items.
Lawrence Wiley. He had a small voodoo altar setup to pay homage to Maynard Ferguson, Herb Alpert, and Doc Severinson. He would give offering of rum to this alter. He would also keep a parrot above the altar.
Ginger Baily Thompson. She was just this free spirit running around the school. A little to free for the taste of the school board. Often times the principle would get on the school intercom and ask Ginger to please put her clothes back on.
So as you can see I explain to the wife on the fact that my humor is not my fault. She then threw me down ripped off my clothes, scrubbed me with a steel wool, pour pure grain on my body, light me on fire and as I go screaming she would insist that I call her Madam Empress Xanadu Supreme.
Bob Walker