How does that work?
I'm feeling the need to just hash a few things out verbally. Think through stuff, see it down somewhere for me to reflect on, that sort of thing. So it's probably going to make little sense and be rather ranty.
For the last sick months, I haven't felt very grounded. Right, up and moved across the country after getting married and that sort of thing. I understand you think you understand how hard this is for me. But you don't. Because although I've found tons of friends to surround myself with, I find myself feeling rather friendless. How does that work?
First - I have super big trust issues right now. I thought I had a lot of good friends in Richmond, even when I left Richmond. Turns out, I had a lot of interaction with a lot of two faced people. Great to my face, nasty behind my back. And that doesn't even include the people that were nasty to my face, instead. But it's been really hard, because I find a lot of myself not missing them but the way things used to be. And it's not like even if we moved back, I could go back to that. Not to mention, isn't it a bit strange of me to what to go back to a time when I trusted untrustworthy people? How does that work?
So despite a lot of opportunities for friends here, when it comes down to needing someone to talk to besides JIm, I'm creating this habit of relying on internet buddies. I have some of the most amazing internet buddies, it's really true. And while I know they'd want to take me out for coffee to talk about these things, it's not exactly like they can. And sometimes, that cup of coffee does make a difference somehow. How does that work?
And then there's the social anxiety. If I have something planned, 90% of the time I can't drag myself out to it. And if it isn't planned, 90% of the time I'll start having an anxiety attack halfway through it. I don't know where my social skills went (I swear, I used to be a great person at some point) but now I end up hiding behind Jim or something else. Today was especially bad. I mean, super super bad. We went to bed all normal 6am despite Skyping with my parents at 4:30am and thus delaying dinner. However, we didn't fall asleep until after 7:30 because dinner upset Jim's stomach. Which, btw, I didn't even know was physically possible. Never again buying the cheapest chicken wings at Wal-mart... so yeah. Despite that, we got up at noon and ran a bunch of errands that really needed to get done (and it felt good to have them done) and headed to Fort Worth around 2:30pm.
Some background, in caseyou didn't know: FWorth is the location of my sister-in-laws Tiffy and Annie. Jim, Tiffy and Annie were all missionary kids in the Philippines (I was a missionary kid with the same mission agency in Singapore, in case you didn't know) and they all went to a very famous boarding school in Manila known as Faith Academy. If you're an MK in Asia outside of Singapore, Japan or India, you basically either want to go to Faith or St. Mary's in Chaing Mai, Thailand. They are the two best boarding schools as far as MK-friendliness and quality education. Even though I attended a school in Singapore (and spent a semester at St. Mary's) I know of Faith, and actually, A LOT of Faith people from my time. (Jim, btw, is six years older than me, and thus, not "of my time"). Despite this, I'm 100% out of place when Jim meets up with his friends. Because the Philippines is a missionary field that's very very close-knit. Everyone knows everyone for ... forever.
At 3:30pm people actually show up because we were apparently early despite not knowing this. It is me, Jim, Tiffy, Anna (not Annie the sister-in-law, btw), Aimee and Sam (different Sam than Sam Miller who is another Philippines MK/Faith Alum that is normally part of this group). We go out for sushi. I get something wimpy (shrimp, crab, avacdo, cucumber, sprouts, and cream cheese rolled in rice and roe) because last night's chicken wings still were now bothering me, and drink A LOT of sencha (which is a specific type of green tea for those who don't know). This will result in spending a lot of the evening going to pee. Oooops. But it was tasty. Dinner was okay, but once we got back to the house, around 4:30pm, it was basically began a fest of seven hours of personal jokes between these guys. Especially once Ed (Sam's brother) showed up. I felt, honestly, rudely left out. So I... well... did my own thing.
Awful of me right? Well, it was basically the only thing keeping me from crying. I don't know why I couldn't handle this. But getting up and going across the street to take dolly photos, and then editing and posting dolly photos, and then playing facebook games was about all I could do. No matter HOW hard I tried. And I kept trying, taking breaks from my own thing, joined in one round of the trivia game but it was, like, the 90s version and I suck at pop culture. But I just couldn't do it. I could figure out what magical thing I needed to do. Until about 10pm with Annie and Andy show up. Andy is Annie's American fiance. Well, hey, I suddenly realize he's feeling the exact same fucking way. He gets even fewer of these jokes because at least I know what a carabao is. Only he's loud and goofy about it. I'm not that kind of person. Maybe I'm too introverted, but if people are leaving me out, I do my own thing... oh well. Around midnight I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and asked Jim to leave. We came home and I took a shower just so I could cry. Seriously, all this stress and anxiety. I felt I worked hard and was rejected, especially since Jim was pretty mad I wanted to leave.
This isn't the first time the Philippines friends of Jims have really stuck me out there like you wouldn't believe. It's been happening since our first weekend here in Texas. I thought I'd eventually get to know people, fit in, etc. Only the Millers have made any sort of connection with me. I'm pretty sure Jeanna has something against me, although I can't figure out what except maybe I'm too "tom boy" for her. For being jungle kids, all these girls are REALLY girly. I mean, Aimee wears fake eyelashes on both her top and bottom lashes, Anna could be a Forever 21 add, and Jeanna's home has probably been covered in Martha Stewart Living or some such publication. I'm sorry that I swordfight, clean knives and fire guns with the guys. But hey - I PLAY WITH DOLLS. Oh wait, they've probably got something against that too (despite me restoring a doll for Jeanna's now three year old).
And I know I just have to get over it. Because Jim's Philippines friends are ALWAYS going to be there. It's not a social circle from a club, or a church sunday school group, or a golf team, or whatever other normal people have that they may eventually move on from. And I don't want to take this away from Jim, I'd just like... silly me... to at some point talk about something other than people they used to know and who is gay now and who is married to whom and "how did that happen?"
And it's not just not knowing who all the people not present are, I'm not sure I'd talk that way with old friends of mine. Oh wait, what old friends? Maybe I've moved around TOO much, maybe this is what the "in crowd" looks like and because I've never been there, I don't recognize it... I don't know. But I don't have a group of friends from "forever" till "always". I have one or two, here and there. Nothing like this... it's a dynamic I can't even begin to fully understand, let alone learn to integrate into me.
But it's not just me. I know Andy has trouble with it too. However, I'm pretty sure since he's lived in the same house here in DFW his entire life, he's at least got his own group of buddies he acts this way around. "Remember [fillintheblank] from [fillintheblank]? I heard they were now with [fillintheblank] because [fillintheblank] dated his/her sister/brother and he/she ended up with [fillintheblank]..." I mean, REALLY? How does that work?
For the last sick months, I haven't felt very grounded. Right, up and moved across the country after getting married and that sort of thing. I understand you think you understand how hard this is for me. But you don't. Because although I've found tons of friends to surround myself with, I find myself feeling rather friendless. How does that work?
First - I have super big trust issues right now. I thought I had a lot of good friends in Richmond, even when I left Richmond. Turns out, I had a lot of interaction with a lot of two faced people. Great to my face, nasty behind my back. And that doesn't even include the people that were nasty to my face, instead. But it's been really hard, because I find a lot of myself not missing them but the way things used to be. And it's not like even if we moved back, I could go back to that. Not to mention, isn't it a bit strange of me to what to go back to a time when I trusted untrustworthy people? How does that work?
So despite a lot of opportunities for friends here, when it comes down to needing someone to talk to besides JIm, I'm creating this habit of relying on internet buddies. I have some of the most amazing internet buddies, it's really true. And while I know they'd want to take me out for coffee to talk about these things, it's not exactly like they can. And sometimes, that cup of coffee does make a difference somehow. How does that work?
And then there's the social anxiety. If I have something planned, 90% of the time I can't drag myself out to it. And if it isn't planned, 90% of the time I'll start having an anxiety attack halfway through it. I don't know where my social skills went (I swear, I used to be a great person at some point) but now I end up hiding behind Jim or something else. Today was especially bad. I mean, super super bad. We went to bed all normal 6am despite Skyping with my parents at 4:30am and thus delaying dinner. However, we didn't fall asleep until after 7:30 because dinner upset Jim's stomach. Which, btw, I didn't even know was physically possible. Never again buying the cheapest chicken wings at Wal-mart... so yeah. Despite that, we got up at noon and ran a bunch of errands that really needed to get done (and it felt good to have them done) and headed to Fort Worth around 2:30pm.
Some background, in caseyou didn't know: FWorth is the location of my sister-in-laws Tiffy and Annie. Jim, Tiffy and Annie were all missionary kids in the Philippines (I was a missionary kid with the same mission agency in Singapore, in case you didn't know) and they all went to a very famous boarding school in Manila known as Faith Academy. If you're an MK in Asia outside of Singapore, Japan or India, you basically either want to go to Faith or St. Mary's in Chaing Mai, Thailand. They are the two best boarding schools as far as MK-friendliness and quality education. Even though I attended a school in Singapore (and spent a semester at St. Mary's) I know of Faith, and actually, A LOT of Faith people from my time. (Jim, btw, is six years older than me, and thus, not "of my time"). Despite this, I'm 100% out of place when Jim meets up with his friends. Because the Philippines is a missionary field that's very very close-knit. Everyone knows everyone for ... forever.
At 3:30pm people actually show up because we were apparently early despite not knowing this. It is me, Jim, Tiffy, Anna (not Annie the sister-in-law, btw), Aimee and Sam (different Sam than Sam Miller who is another Philippines MK/Faith Alum that is normally part of this group). We go out for sushi. I get something wimpy (shrimp, crab, avacdo, cucumber, sprouts, and cream cheese rolled in rice and roe) because last night's chicken wings still were now bothering me, and drink A LOT of sencha (which is a specific type of green tea for those who don't know). This will result in spending a lot of the evening going to pee. Oooops. But it was tasty. Dinner was okay, but once we got back to the house, around 4:30pm, it was basically began a fest of seven hours of personal jokes between these guys. Especially once Ed (Sam's brother) showed up. I felt, honestly, rudely left out. So I... well... did my own thing.
Awful of me right? Well, it was basically the only thing keeping me from crying. I don't know why I couldn't handle this. But getting up and going across the street to take dolly photos, and then editing and posting dolly photos, and then playing facebook games was about all I could do. No matter HOW hard I tried. And I kept trying, taking breaks from my own thing, joined in one round of the trivia game but it was, like, the 90s version and I suck at pop culture. But I just couldn't do it. I could figure out what magical thing I needed to do. Until about 10pm with Annie and Andy show up. Andy is Annie's American fiance. Well, hey, I suddenly realize he's feeling the exact same fucking way. He gets even fewer of these jokes because at least I know what a carabao is. Only he's loud and goofy about it. I'm not that kind of person. Maybe I'm too introverted, but if people are leaving me out, I do my own thing... oh well. Around midnight I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and asked Jim to leave. We came home and I took a shower just so I could cry. Seriously, all this stress and anxiety. I felt I worked hard and was rejected, especially since Jim was pretty mad I wanted to leave.
This isn't the first time the Philippines friends of Jims have really stuck me out there like you wouldn't believe. It's been happening since our first weekend here in Texas. I thought I'd eventually get to know people, fit in, etc. Only the Millers have made any sort of connection with me. I'm pretty sure Jeanna has something against me, although I can't figure out what except maybe I'm too "tom boy" for her. For being jungle kids, all these girls are REALLY girly. I mean, Aimee wears fake eyelashes on both her top and bottom lashes, Anna could be a Forever 21 add, and Jeanna's home has probably been covered in Martha Stewart Living or some such publication. I'm sorry that I swordfight, clean knives and fire guns with the guys. But hey - I PLAY WITH DOLLS. Oh wait, they've probably got something against that too (despite me restoring a doll for Jeanna's now three year old).
And I know I just have to get over it. Because Jim's Philippines friends are ALWAYS going to be there. It's not a social circle from a club, or a church sunday school group, or a golf team, or whatever other normal people have that they may eventually move on from. And I don't want to take this away from Jim, I'd just like... silly me... to at some point talk about something other than people they used to know and who is gay now and who is married to whom and "how did that happen?"
And it's not just not knowing who all the people not present are, I'm not sure I'd talk that way with old friends of mine. Oh wait, what old friends? Maybe I've moved around TOO much, maybe this is what the "in crowd" looks like and because I've never been there, I don't recognize it... I don't know. But I don't have a group of friends from "forever" till "always". I have one or two, here and there. Nothing like this... it's a dynamic I can't even begin to fully understand, let alone learn to integrate into me.
But it's not just me. I know Andy has trouble with it too. However, I'm pretty sure since he's lived in the same house here in DFW his entire life, he's at least got his own group of buddies he acts this way around. "Remember [fillintheblank] from [fillintheblank]? I heard they were now with [fillintheblank] because [fillintheblank] dated his/her sister/brother and he/she ended up with [fillintheblank]..." I mean, REALLY? How does that work?