I do it to myself....
First I just made a huge long tear causing entry about how shitty my night was friday. Happy St. Patty's day to me! And LJ lost it. I don't think I have the nerves to write it all again. But here's the short version.
1. Already been frustrated with certain aspects of a friendship for a while now, but I try to just accept it and move on. Until the other night when a mutual acquaintance asked me seriously, if I was ever allowed to have an issue of my own. And then I started thinking, no...I don't really. Every day is the same thing and I deal with her problems. Not once has she taken the time to really understand any of the issues I have in my life, my weight, my family, my own insecurities. If I bring them up, her's always have to trump them. And then I try to help her and never talk about my own problems. Friends from home know about them, but only the very few who have ever cared to ask. I don't push them on people, but she seems to make sure everyone we know is aware of every minute detail of her life and her problems with people. And sometimes I can just say something to her and things are fine. [friend] can we not talk about such and such right now? period. Most of the time she still gets this pushing away, defiant, defenseful nature like, how dare I call her out about it. But usually it's fine, unless the situation goes like Friday night.
2. There's a background story I'm not going to get into but it involves a boy who decided she wasn't the right one for him and started seeing (we think) someone else in our class. Ever since then, everyday she spends time pointing out flaws in both of them, what does he see in the other girl, she's a bitch, she's ugly, she' x,y, and z. One of the guys roommates showed up at the bar. She started in on this other girl almost immediately. I don't even remember what, if anything, prompted it. But she seemed determined to get the roommate to be on her side of the issue against his roommate and this girl he's seeing. The roommate just tried to break the cycle, he likes both girls and he didn't want to have to pick sides. He told my friend he liked them both, but thought that my friend was definitely hotter trying to defuse the situation, but she just kept going. Me, already frustrated from a long day of class and work, out with people I'm not particularly close to but having a decent time with for her sake because really the guys just want in her pants, I'm just the tag along friend (which gets really annoying), she'd already left me alone (to watch her coat) once and then walked off while I was getting a drink a second time. I didn't go out with her and her friends to sit by myself at the bar on St. Patty's (did she bother to apologize for leaving me there getting hit on by creepy drunk guys, no, she acted like it was how it should be). So I could tell that this was going no where, and I was upset so I said "why are we talking about [guy] and [girl] again?!" She walked off. Like I said, she doesn't do well when people don't take her side of things and she gets defensive. In that mindset, I know it's hard to try and see things from someone else's perspective, but still. So I tried to apologize and talk, but she didn't think she could see me right then. Well, I wasn't going to cause a scene as she was pouring out the issues of her past and our friendship to a total stranger we'd met in line who she was sitting with. And quite frankly I didn't know if I had the patience left in my to talk then anyway, besides still having to get to work the next morning. So I got my coat and left. After leaving the bar, my night just got a million times better!
3. I walked from Faneuil Hall almost to the Convention Center (stopping once in a while trying to hail a cab) before I finally managed to get a cab...nearly 40 minutes in the freezing cold!
4. While on my walk I nearly broke down in tears multiple times replaying the night and the past few months in my head. Why do I do this to myself? Let myself get into friendship that are so one-sided sometimes where I feel like I'm just along for the ride, everyone else's crutch and people forget that I'm my own person, and I let myself feel used. Hell even other people confronted me about it before I sat and really thought about it myself.
5. Halfway home I realized I was so upset when I left that I hadn't closed out my tab and my debit card was trapped inside a bar that was now closed.
6. Last night was the 2nd time in my life that I have gone to someone else crying. I walked to Olivia's room once junior year, sat down and just started bawling. Liv's I love you, and I can't wait until you are here next weekend. Last night, I IM'd one of my newer best friends, Ben and I have done a lot of soul searching and getting to know the intricacies of one another over the past year, there wasn't anyone home in my house, I was here all alone, so I IMd Ben just because I needed to not be alone while I sat in my room convulsing with tears. This is what I do when I'm upset or frustrated. I don't yell, I don't get mad, I just cry. That's why I walk away or shut down when things get tense in public, I refuse to cry in front of people and I know if I open my mouth to say anything I'll just break down. So I stop and move on.
7. There was one highlight of my evening though. When everything seemed to be completely hopeless, I'd been walking ready to cry at any minute, frozen for over half and hour that I got a phone call, part of me hoped it was my friend calling and that we'd apologize and talk and go about our evenings, but I knew that wasn't going to happen, instead, I was privileged to be the recipient of another friend, Zach's, very first DRUNK DIAL! He called just to say hi, and he was with the Amandas, and they all wanted to tell me they loved me, and that they'd watched my family movie (Darby O'Gill and the LITTLE PEOPLE) to celebrate the holiday. But at that moment, I was talking about how happy I was for them, and at the same time realizing how much I miss them all sooooooo much, all the time. I was just there 2 weeks ago and it's already a void that I can't manage to fill. They tease me about being a bitch, because I'm really not at all, and about being a skank, because again, I'm the furthest thing from it, and about being short, because well, I am and they are all nearly a foot (some more than ) taller than me. And at the moment, when all I needed was to not have my friend mad at me, they called as if it was orchestrated by the fates, to tell me they loved me, and the tears started, at that same moment, I also finally caught a cab. It was the perfect moment for the evening. I pulled in the tears recognizing the awesomeness of the moment and how great it felt to have my friends acknowledge the fact that they cared about me, something I miss so much here in boston where my friendships (except for my housemates, the girls have all become quite close) still seem very superficial.
I made it home. I got upstairs, I IM'd Ben, like I said, sat and cried, and then cried myself to sleep. Got up went to work, worked all day, picked up my credit card (the bar is much more relaxed and enjoyable around 8:30 on saturday btw), came home and now I'm here. Crying again, but at the same time feeling okay for the night. Going to make some dinner, watch a movie and hang out I think. Maybe things with the friend will be okay soon. She'll read this I'm sure, and hopefully remember that this is my journal, I wouldn't be offended if she was ranting about me in hers, oh well...it's important to get it out in order to reflect on it and see where eachother is coming from to grow and keep going. Tomorrow is catch up day, lots of work around the house, groceries, homework, and busy business paperwork stuff.
And now on to more serious topics. I read Angels & Demons last week. It was so refreshing to have a good book to read that didn't include law cases. Anyway, the book made me think alot about the conflict and simultaneous harmony that people find between science and religion. Have we really become a society in which one can only function in scientific fact? Where the religious is becoming obsolete? I'm not a terribly religious person myself these days, though i go back and forth. But I do have a great appreciation for the fact that there is something greater more intricate out there than myself or anything I could possible comprehend with 100% of my brain. It's true, as wonderous as science is, it's caused harm as well as good. We can heal many things, but we can also blow up the planet multiple times over with the number of nuclear warheads developed and continuing to develop. Science answers questions, where did we come from, how did we get here, but when it gets to the meaning, the why? there are no meaningful reasons about why we exist. maybe we are all just random cosmic creations. The point is that it doesn't matter. Science and religion fight over deciding who's right about where we come from, but that's the past. Let it be in the past. It doesn't matter if we're here by chance or by act of God, we're here. What are we going to do about it? We have a choice, we can fight about the past or we can either accept that we are here, period and start paying attention to the future. Science or religion, it's the same goal, try to do what's best for us all and make the world better. And while you're at it, try to realize that maybe it's okay if we don't figure out every detail of our past. Accept that we come from different places and move on, concentrate on finding a way to make this planet a home for all of us.
Edit: “It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.” -- Henry Ward Beecher
1. Already been frustrated with certain aspects of a friendship for a while now, but I try to just accept it and move on. Until the other night when a mutual acquaintance asked me seriously, if I was ever allowed to have an issue of my own. And then I started thinking, no...I don't really. Every day is the same thing and I deal with her problems. Not once has she taken the time to really understand any of the issues I have in my life, my weight, my family, my own insecurities. If I bring them up, her's always have to trump them. And then I try to help her and never talk about my own problems. Friends from home know about them, but only the very few who have ever cared to ask. I don't push them on people, but she seems to make sure everyone we know is aware of every minute detail of her life and her problems with people. And sometimes I can just say something to her and things are fine. [friend] can we not talk about such and such right now? period. Most of the time she still gets this pushing away, defiant, defenseful nature like, how dare I call her out about it. But usually it's fine, unless the situation goes like Friday night.
2. There's a background story I'm not going to get into but it involves a boy who decided she wasn't the right one for him and started seeing (we think) someone else in our class. Ever since then, everyday she spends time pointing out flaws in both of them, what does he see in the other girl, she's a bitch, she's ugly, she' x,y, and z. One of the guys roommates showed up at the bar. She started in on this other girl almost immediately. I don't even remember what, if anything, prompted it. But she seemed determined to get the roommate to be on her side of the issue against his roommate and this girl he's seeing. The roommate just tried to break the cycle, he likes both girls and he didn't want to have to pick sides. He told my friend he liked them both, but thought that my friend was definitely hotter trying to defuse the situation, but she just kept going. Me, already frustrated from a long day of class and work, out with people I'm not particularly close to but having a decent time with for her sake because really the guys just want in her pants, I'm just the tag along friend (which gets really annoying), she'd already left me alone (to watch her coat) once and then walked off while I was getting a drink a second time. I didn't go out with her and her friends to sit by myself at the bar on St. Patty's (did she bother to apologize for leaving me there getting hit on by creepy drunk guys, no, she acted like it was how it should be). So I could tell that this was going no where, and I was upset so I said "why are we talking about [guy] and [girl] again?!" She walked off. Like I said, she doesn't do well when people don't take her side of things and she gets defensive. In that mindset, I know it's hard to try and see things from someone else's perspective, but still. So I tried to apologize and talk, but she didn't think she could see me right then. Well, I wasn't going to cause a scene as she was pouring out the issues of her past and our friendship to a total stranger we'd met in line who she was sitting with. And quite frankly I didn't know if I had the patience left in my to talk then anyway, besides still having to get to work the next morning. So I got my coat and left. After leaving the bar, my night just got a million times better!
3. I walked from Faneuil Hall almost to the Convention Center (stopping once in a while trying to hail a cab) before I finally managed to get a cab...nearly 40 minutes in the freezing cold!
4. While on my walk I nearly broke down in tears multiple times replaying the night and the past few months in my head. Why do I do this to myself? Let myself get into friendship that are so one-sided sometimes where I feel like I'm just along for the ride, everyone else's crutch and people forget that I'm my own person, and I let myself feel used. Hell even other people confronted me about it before I sat and really thought about it myself.
5. Halfway home I realized I was so upset when I left that I hadn't closed out my tab and my debit card was trapped inside a bar that was now closed.
6. Last night was the 2nd time in my life that I have gone to someone else crying. I walked to Olivia's room once junior year, sat down and just started bawling. Liv's I love you, and I can't wait until you are here next weekend. Last night, I IM'd one of my newer best friends, Ben and I have done a lot of soul searching and getting to know the intricacies of one another over the past year, there wasn't anyone home in my house, I was here all alone, so I IMd Ben just because I needed to not be alone while I sat in my room convulsing with tears. This is what I do when I'm upset or frustrated. I don't yell, I don't get mad, I just cry. That's why I walk away or shut down when things get tense in public, I refuse to cry in front of people and I know if I open my mouth to say anything I'll just break down. So I stop and move on.
7. There was one highlight of my evening though. When everything seemed to be completely hopeless, I'd been walking ready to cry at any minute, frozen for over half and hour that I got a phone call, part of me hoped it was my friend calling and that we'd apologize and talk and go about our evenings, but I knew that wasn't going to happen, instead, I was privileged to be the recipient of another friend, Zach's, very first DRUNK DIAL! He called just to say hi, and he was with the Amandas, and they all wanted to tell me they loved me, and that they'd watched my family movie (Darby O'Gill and the LITTLE PEOPLE) to celebrate the holiday. But at that moment, I was talking about how happy I was for them, and at the same time realizing how much I miss them all sooooooo much, all the time. I was just there 2 weeks ago and it's already a void that I can't manage to fill. They tease me about being a bitch, because I'm really not at all, and about being a skank, because again, I'm the furthest thing from it, and about being short, because well, I am and they are all nearly a foot (some more than ) taller than me. And at the moment, when all I needed was to not have my friend mad at me, they called as if it was orchestrated by the fates, to tell me they loved me, and the tears started, at that same moment, I also finally caught a cab. It was the perfect moment for the evening. I pulled in the tears recognizing the awesomeness of the moment and how great it felt to have my friends acknowledge the fact that they cared about me, something I miss so much here in boston where my friendships (except for my housemates, the girls have all become quite close) still seem very superficial.
I made it home. I got upstairs, I IM'd Ben, like I said, sat and cried, and then cried myself to sleep. Got up went to work, worked all day, picked up my credit card (the bar is much more relaxed and enjoyable around 8:30 on saturday btw), came home and now I'm here. Crying again, but at the same time feeling okay for the night. Going to make some dinner, watch a movie and hang out I think. Maybe things with the friend will be okay soon. She'll read this I'm sure, and hopefully remember that this is my journal, I wouldn't be offended if she was ranting about me in hers, oh well...it's important to get it out in order to reflect on it and see where eachother is coming from to grow and keep going. Tomorrow is catch up day, lots of work around the house, groceries, homework, and busy business paperwork stuff.
And now on to more serious topics. I read Angels & Demons last week. It was so refreshing to have a good book to read that didn't include law cases. Anyway, the book made me think alot about the conflict and simultaneous harmony that people find between science and religion. Have we really become a society in which one can only function in scientific fact? Where the religious is becoming obsolete? I'm not a terribly religious person myself these days, though i go back and forth. But I do have a great appreciation for the fact that there is something greater more intricate out there than myself or anything I could possible comprehend with 100% of my brain. It's true, as wonderous as science is, it's caused harm as well as good. We can heal many things, but we can also blow up the planet multiple times over with the number of nuclear warheads developed and continuing to develop. Science answers questions, where did we come from, how did we get here, but when it gets to the meaning, the why? there are no meaningful reasons about why we exist. maybe we are all just random cosmic creations. The point is that it doesn't matter. Science and religion fight over deciding who's right about where we come from, but that's the past. Let it be in the past. It doesn't matter if we're here by chance or by act of God, we're here. What are we going to do about it? We have a choice, we can fight about the past or we can either accept that we are here, period and start paying attention to the future. Science or religion, it's the same goal, try to do what's best for us all and make the world better. And while you're at it, try to realize that maybe it's okay if we don't figure out every detail of our past. Accept that we come from different places and move on, concentrate on finding a way to make this planet a home for all of us.
Edit: “It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.” -- Henry Ward Beecher