it helps...for now...

[bonobomeg]

So, for those of you who know me at all, you know that I am susceptible to cyclical bouts of depressive episodes where all of a sudden, I stop dealing with life and avoid being alone at all costs. Being alone means that I think, and thinking means that I have to deal with everything that’s going on and that scares me more than anything. Well, today, I made myself be alone. I started thinking, and I didn’t want to, so I laid down to take a nap. But I couldn’t make all the thoughts go away so I cried. I cried for all the people and the things that I’ve been worrying about that I can’t control that I can’t fix, that scare me. I cried for my little brother that I watch slowly throwing his life away who I can’t reason with, who I can’t be there for everyday. I cried for my parents who don’t know what to do anymore who are struggling to their own demons, let alone worrying about my little brother, and me, and al my siblings. The thinking about the things my parents worry about when it comes to my other siblings and me (our happiness, our moral well-being, our success, our worries) I started to cry for all the things that I worry about for my siblings. Then for my friends who have all of their own problems and issues going on right now, followed by the rest of the world, and finally, I cried for the fear that I have for myself. That maybe I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do with my life. That I might not be happy, that I might not be a success, that I can’t control everything, that I can’t solve everyone’s problems, that I’m unhappy with my weight, that I’m unhappy and disappointed in myself, that I worry about my job, for people and things that I hadn’t even admitted to myself that I was worried about or scared for. And all I could think of was that I wish I could stop worrying and being scared, but I can’t because if I don’t worry about them, if I don’t try to fix them, who will. In the end, I decided that I needed to open my real paper filled journal and I started writing. I wrote a litst of all the people I was worried about the people I was scared for the things in the world that worried me, the things in my life that confuse me. The list totaled well over 70 and I know that everyday, if I stop being busy, if my mind isn’t being occupied by sleep, worthless television, lecturing professors, busy work, and even sometimes during all of those things…I’m thinking and worrying about those 70 people, concepts, events, etc all the time and all at once. But somehow, I’m okay with that now. Somehow just seeing them all on paper admitting to myself that I’m worried for them, and scared about them, even though I can’t tell each of those people that even though I know I can’t solve every world dilemma, it was like taking a huge weight off. Like everything that was weighing on my mind and my heart is at least temporarily removed. And to my friends, just know that I would never make it without you around all the time. Even if I do worry about you all the time, I like being able to help with your troubles. I really do. It’s just hard to make you see what I see, to help you through things sometimes. I just have to remember that sometimes I can’t fix things for you. And then I have to let go (and that’s hard for me to do).

Then I thought that it was important to write in all in here for someone other than me because I figure if I worry that much about other people, chances are that someone has realized my neurotic behavior and worries about me, too. And it’s okay. I’m okay.