Off the Record (1/3)
Going back to China always felt like a rush during the first few days. Everything was a blur of colors and lights, moving from one place to the next, the constant focus required for understanding even a little of what was going on around him hurting Donghae’s brain. It was exhausting in a mental way that was so much worse than sore muscles after dancing all day long.
It might have been day three or four after Super Junior M had landed on the rainy runway, half-hidden under hoods, scarves, and sunglasses as they were ushered out of the airport through a throng of screaming fans. It was still raining outside, making the world loud and shiny, and it only made him want to curl up and cry all the more because it felt so harsh and isolating.
Behind him, Kyuhyun was on his bed, awkwardly draped over the covers on his stomach as he idly played with the charm strapped to his cell phone, staring into nothingness. Donghae watched the other’s reflection in the dark window, slightly grainy from the raindrops running down the pane on the outside. They had decided to room together “for old times’ sake” and they got along well, but right now, Donghae couldn’t help but wish that it wasn’t Kyuhyun there with him but Hyukjae, who’d get him out of his moping with a silly joke or a playful provocation or just a comforting half-hug.
Feeling stupid and a little mean for missing his best friend like that, when they had only been separated for a few days and Kyuhyun was right there and had always cared for him so openly, Donghae finally lifted his forehead from the window and turned around, sighing.
Kyuhyun glanced up from the strap he was pushing around on the sheets, looking at him with tired eyes. “Finished staring at yourself?”
Donghae only managed a weak smile. “Actually, I was staring at your fat ass.”
“I’d pick your reflection over my fat ass any day, hyung,” Kyuhyun slurred back. “You have bad taste.”
His comment lacked any of his usual vicious wit and Donghae wondered if he really looked that pathetic right now that the maknae felt he had to hold back. Grateful for Kyuhyun’s sensitivity all the same, he deliberately skipped over to his bed to deliver a slap to his butt before he let himself fall spread-eagled on his own bed to stare at the ceiling.
There was a minute of silence in which Donghae found himself repeating Chinese vocabulary in his head to distract himself from the agonizing feeling of loneliness that was completely irrational and so present at the same time. Then there was a rustle of sheets and Kyuhyun asked, “You really miss Eunhyuk-hyung, don’t you, hyung?”
Caught off guard by the statement, Donghae blinked against the sudden tears in his eyes and rolled on his side to look at the other. “What do you mean?”
Kyuhyun had shifted onto his side as well, one of his hands curled loosely under his head while the other was flung over the side of the bed. He was staring at the fingers of that hand, flexing them slightly. “I can see that you miss him. It’s kind of obvious.”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Donghae tried a smile but had the feeling that he failed. “I miss a lot of things. All the time.”
“What are you missing the most right now?”
Donghae was about to answer with “Hyukjae,” but then wondered if that was actually true. He wanted his best friend to be there, but it was because the other knew how to distract him from the loneliness, how to make it a bit easier. “What I miss the most,” he started slowly, carefully pronouncing each word as he thought about what exactly it was that made him feel like someone had punched a hole through him, leaving him hollow. “What I miss the most is intimacy, I guess. Touching.” He felt silly as soon as he said it out loud.
Kyuhyun frowned thoughtfully, glancing at him. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, hyung.”
Licking his lips, Donghae tried to think of a way to explain. He silently cursed himself for being so bad with words when he fumbled for an explanation, feeling the urge to make someone understand what he was feeling, just to have it out there. “I mean,” he said, not really meaning anything, “I mean… emotional intimacy, you know? Being close to someone. Just… somewhere beyond just friendship. Being special to someone in a way no one else is.” He tried another quick smile. “If that makes sense.”
“It does,” Kyuhyun answered slowly. “In a way.”
Donghae laughed shortly, feeling awkward with his explanation that really couldn’t capture what he was trying to put into words. “Whatever, I just need to get over it and I’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Kyuhyun-ah.”
Kyuhyun didn’t answer, but instead watched him with attentive black eyes. “Have you ever done anything with Eunhyuk-hyung? Experimenting? Just fooling around?”
“Wh-what?!” Shocked and spluttering, Donghae sat up and stared at the other. “Wha- why are you asking me this? Are you crazy?”
“Everyone gets lonely, hyung,” Kyuhyun answered calmly. “It makes you do stupid things.”
“God,” Donghae cursed, raking a hand through his hair, still in disbelief at the maknae’s bluntness. “I can’t believe you just asked that, you crazy idiot.”
“So, did you?”
For a moment, Donghae fought with himself, then he sighed and closed his eyes. “God, okay. Okay. If by ‘fooling around’ you mean kissing, then yes, we did. We were curious, alright? And stupid.”
Kyuhyun snorted. “Whatever, hyung, it’s not as if I didn’t ever get lonely.”
Donghae opened his eyes and stared at him for a second. “With who- wait. I really don’t want to know.” He tried not to think about Kyuhyun with any member, those were images he didn’t need in his head. “I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t sure for what he was apologizing, but Kyuhyun seemed to find some meaning in it because he said, “It’s fine. Everyone misses things and gets lonely once in a while, that’s just how it is. Just tell me next time instead of moping around, okay?”
“And what are you going to do about it?” Donghae asked, finally managing a real smile at the other’s rather pointless demand. “Buy me a stuffed toy? Or hey, how about a dog?”
Kyuhyun snorted again. “Idiot.” But he was laughing, eyes crinkling at him.
There was a comfortable silence and Donghae settled back down on the bed with his arms stretched out, lazily moving them up and down a few times as if to make an invisible snow angel while he turned the last few minutes over in his head. “Are you feeling lonely right now?” he asked eventually, feeling that it was something he should know.
“I’m never really not lonely in that sense, hyung.”
Trust Kyuhyun to formulate a simple ‘yes’ in a way that rubbed it in. Donghae smiled to himself, glad despite all the awkwardness that they were having this conversation. It didn’t really make the feeling go away, but it was good to have someone who understood.
“Do you think we should try?”
Frowning, Donghae turned his head to look at the maknae, who was looking at some invisible point on the floor. “Try what?”
Kyuhyun lifted his eyes to look at him, arching a brow. “Kissing, hyung.”
“Wha-“ Donghae pushed himself up again, choking on his words. “What’s wrong with you today, Kyuhyun? Are you drunk?” He took a deep breath, swallowing against the surreal feeling that he had somehow been transported into an alternate reality in which Kyuhyun suddenly wanted to pin him to the bed and make out with him. Raking his hand through his hair again, a clear sign that he was at a loss, he shook his head. “Seriously. I don’t even know what to say.”
“I just think that it wouldn’t hurt to try,” Kyuhyun replied calmly, as if he was talking about ice cream flavors.
“Why do you even think it would work?” Donghae exclaimed, exasperated at the whole, stupid situation. He had no idea where that had come from and he really didn’t care to find out. Rubbing his forehead, he avoided looking over to the other bed.
“You tried it before, hyung, when you were lonely.” That wasn’t the answer to the question, but true all the same. Donghae already regretted admitting it. “It’s just about being close to someone. Just enough to not feel lonely anymore.”
“And we couldn’t try hugging?” Donghae asked sarcastically.
Kyuhyun laughed quietly, a soft, deep sound. “Are you scared, hyung?”
Rolling his eyes, Donghae replied, “I won’t fall for that, Kyuhyun.” He stubbornly ignored the way his pride bristled.
Sheets rustled and Kyuhyun laughed again. “Fine, hyung. Come on then, give me a hug.”
When Donghae finally let his hand drop and looked over to the maknae, Kyuhyun had rolled onto his back and spread his arms mockingly, grinning at him. Snorting, Donghae stood and then dived onto the other bed, catching Kyuhyun in a tackle around the middle that made him groan. Satisfied that he had sufficiently punished the maknae for being disrespectful and a nuisance, he locked an arm around Kyuhyun’s neck and pulled him up until he was slumped forward, forehead buried in his shoulder and Donghae’s cheek pressed against his hair. “You’re so stupid sometimes, Kyuhyun, you know that?”
Lacing his hands behind Donghae’s back, Kyuhyun sighed. “I told you loneliness makes you do stupid things, hyung. And besides, I’m smarter on my stupid days than most people on their good ones.”
“Hey,” Donghae reprimanded, jabbing him in the ribs. “I’m not stupid enough not to realize when you’re insulting me, maknae.”
“Couldn’t hurt to try,” Kyuhyun replied, his voice muffled by Donghae’s shoulder but the smirk audible enough.
Maybe it was just him being paranoid, but Kyuhyun’s answer made Donghae think back to what the other had said earlier after he had nonchalantly suggested kissing. He hadn’t even wanted to think about it before because they were friends and brothers and a little loneliness every now and then didn’t make him that crazy. Not crazy enough to randomly go around kissing his fellow members in Chinese hotel rooms.
But the words were still there, in his head, it wouldn’t hurt to try, and they stuck. He could feel Kyuhyun’s breath hot and damp on his shoulder, sticking the fabric of his shirt to his skin. He could feel the warm weight of his body, comfortably curled into him and around him, making him feel at little more at peace in the world just because there was someone who was willing to give him a hug, to hold him close and not let go for a long while, comfortable with just breathing together for a moment.
And damn if he wasn’t thinking about trying it, just to see what it was like, if it would help at all, if it would make them feel closer.
Maybe it really wouldn’t hurt to try.
“Hey,” he said, “Kyuhyun-ah.” His mouth felt a little dry, but his grip on Kyuhyun’s shoulders was firm as he pushed him upright. Kyuhyun blinked and frowned against the sudden light, looking annoyed. Donghae swallowed, smiling shakily. “Let me try, okay?”
Kyuhyun didn’t look as if he knew what exactly he wanted to try, but Donghae didn’t really care because he was focusing on leaning forward and tilting his head until he could clumsily touch his lips to the other’s. Kyuhyun’s mouth was warm and firm and his lips were pressed together in surprise even as Donghae’s mouth settled over them, soft and pliant.
When Donghae pulled back a little, exhaling a nervously shuddering breath, Kyuhyun relaxed and curled his hands into the sides of the dancer’s t-shirt. He planted a short, reassuring peck on Donghae’s mouth, but that didn’t help anything to calm the other’s nerves.
Donghae was feeling distinctly uneasy as he moved his hands from Kyuhyun’s shoulder’s and cupped them around his cheeks instead, one of his thumbs brushing the rough patch of scar tissue left over from the accident, his fingers sliding into soft hair as he held Kyuhyun’s head still and pressed their lips together again.
This time, Kyuhyun’s mouth was softer, opened slightly so that Donghae’s teeth caught on his bottom lip, lightly dragging across it. It felt strange, doing something so intimate without really wanting to do it, no hormones, no lust, just sweaty hands and a hyper-awareness of every place where they were touching and the shape and texture of Kyuhyun’s mouth under his.
There wasn’t any rush of desire that blurred any memory of who he was kissing or any pulsing of heat that made him want to set the other on fire as well. It felt exactly like kissing Hyukjae had felt like - the uncomfortable feeling of pushing lips together slightly out of synch, the comfort of a warm body, the familiarity of the other’s presence from being together for years and years, but nothing else. He felt self-conscious, aware of every move of his lips and hands and tongue, the bumping of their knees and the shift of fabric against his sides when Kyuhyun moved a little.
It was awkward.
He pulled back, quickly licking his lips, and let go of Kyuhyun’s head. “Um,” he said, fidgeting for a second before he dropped his hands into his lap.
Kyuhyun had opened his eyes, looking almost bored as he tapped his fingers against Donghae’s sides thoughtfully. “Well, that was…”
“Awkward?” Donghae offered before he could help himself.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun replied. “Well, it was worth a try.” He shrugged, removing his hands from the dancer’s sides. “Let’s just leave it at hugging, right, hyung?”
Glad that apparently it really hadn’t hurt to try, despite all awkwardness, Donghae smiled and gave the maknae a friendly slap on the cheek. “Best idea I heard all day. And it won’t weird out the other members either, isn’t that amazing?”
“Ha, ha,” Kyuhyun shot back, but he was grinning.
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Part 2
Part 3
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A/N: Originally, I wanted to make two parts instead of three. But I remembered that last time, some people didn't like the length of the story. Also, this is told in three scenes and I didn't know where I should've could the middle scene to make this two parts without breaking the pace. So, three parts it is. I hope you enjoyed this. Part 2 should be up in two or three days. :)
It might have been day three or four after Super Junior M had landed on the rainy runway, half-hidden under hoods, scarves, and sunglasses as they were ushered out of the airport through a throng of screaming fans. It was still raining outside, making the world loud and shiny, and it only made him want to curl up and cry all the more because it felt so harsh and isolating.
Behind him, Kyuhyun was on his bed, awkwardly draped over the covers on his stomach as he idly played with the charm strapped to his cell phone, staring into nothingness. Donghae watched the other’s reflection in the dark window, slightly grainy from the raindrops running down the pane on the outside. They had decided to room together “for old times’ sake” and they got along well, but right now, Donghae couldn’t help but wish that it wasn’t Kyuhyun there with him but Hyukjae, who’d get him out of his moping with a silly joke or a playful provocation or just a comforting half-hug.
Feeling stupid and a little mean for missing his best friend like that, when they had only been separated for a few days and Kyuhyun was right there and had always cared for him so openly, Donghae finally lifted his forehead from the window and turned around, sighing.
Kyuhyun glanced up from the strap he was pushing around on the sheets, looking at him with tired eyes. “Finished staring at yourself?”
Donghae only managed a weak smile. “Actually, I was staring at your fat ass.”
“I’d pick your reflection over my fat ass any day, hyung,” Kyuhyun slurred back. “You have bad taste.”
His comment lacked any of his usual vicious wit and Donghae wondered if he really looked that pathetic right now that the maknae felt he had to hold back. Grateful for Kyuhyun’s sensitivity all the same, he deliberately skipped over to his bed to deliver a slap to his butt before he let himself fall spread-eagled on his own bed to stare at the ceiling.
There was a minute of silence in which Donghae found himself repeating Chinese vocabulary in his head to distract himself from the agonizing feeling of loneliness that was completely irrational and so present at the same time. Then there was a rustle of sheets and Kyuhyun asked, “You really miss Eunhyuk-hyung, don’t you, hyung?”
Caught off guard by the statement, Donghae blinked against the sudden tears in his eyes and rolled on his side to look at the other. “What do you mean?”
Kyuhyun had shifted onto his side as well, one of his hands curled loosely under his head while the other was flung over the side of the bed. He was staring at the fingers of that hand, flexing them slightly. “I can see that you miss him. It’s kind of obvious.”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Donghae tried a smile but had the feeling that he failed. “I miss a lot of things. All the time.”
“What are you missing the most right now?”
Donghae was about to answer with “Hyukjae,” but then wondered if that was actually true. He wanted his best friend to be there, but it was because the other knew how to distract him from the loneliness, how to make it a bit easier. “What I miss the most,” he started slowly, carefully pronouncing each word as he thought about what exactly it was that made him feel like someone had punched a hole through him, leaving him hollow. “What I miss the most is intimacy, I guess. Touching.” He felt silly as soon as he said it out loud.
Kyuhyun frowned thoughtfully, glancing at him. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, hyung.”
Licking his lips, Donghae tried to think of a way to explain. He silently cursed himself for being so bad with words when he fumbled for an explanation, feeling the urge to make someone understand what he was feeling, just to have it out there. “I mean,” he said, not really meaning anything, “I mean… emotional intimacy, you know? Being close to someone. Just… somewhere beyond just friendship. Being special to someone in a way no one else is.” He tried another quick smile. “If that makes sense.”
“It does,” Kyuhyun answered slowly. “In a way.”
Donghae laughed shortly, feeling awkward with his explanation that really couldn’t capture what he was trying to put into words. “Whatever, I just need to get over it and I’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Kyuhyun-ah.”
Kyuhyun didn’t answer, but instead watched him with attentive black eyes. “Have you ever done anything with Eunhyuk-hyung? Experimenting? Just fooling around?”
“Wh-what?!” Shocked and spluttering, Donghae sat up and stared at the other. “Wha- why are you asking me this? Are you crazy?”
“Everyone gets lonely, hyung,” Kyuhyun answered calmly. “It makes you do stupid things.”
“God,” Donghae cursed, raking a hand through his hair, still in disbelief at the maknae’s bluntness. “I can’t believe you just asked that, you crazy idiot.”
“So, did you?”
For a moment, Donghae fought with himself, then he sighed and closed his eyes. “God, okay. Okay. If by ‘fooling around’ you mean kissing, then yes, we did. We were curious, alright? And stupid.”
Kyuhyun snorted. “Whatever, hyung, it’s not as if I didn’t ever get lonely.”
Donghae opened his eyes and stared at him for a second. “With who- wait. I really don’t want to know.” He tried not to think about Kyuhyun with any member, those were images he didn’t need in his head. “I’m sorry.”
He wasn’t sure for what he was apologizing, but Kyuhyun seemed to find some meaning in it because he said, “It’s fine. Everyone misses things and gets lonely once in a while, that’s just how it is. Just tell me next time instead of moping around, okay?”
“And what are you going to do about it?” Donghae asked, finally managing a real smile at the other’s rather pointless demand. “Buy me a stuffed toy? Or hey, how about a dog?”
Kyuhyun snorted again. “Idiot.” But he was laughing, eyes crinkling at him.
There was a comfortable silence and Donghae settled back down on the bed with his arms stretched out, lazily moving them up and down a few times as if to make an invisible snow angel while he turned the last few minutes over in his head. “Are you feeling lonely right now?” he asked eventually, feeling that it was something he should know.
“I’m never really not lonely in that sense, hyung.”
Trust Kyuhyun to formulate a simple ‘yes’ in a way that rubbed it in. Donghae smiled to himself, glad despite all the awkwardness that they were having this conversation. It didn’t really make the feeling go away, but it was good to have someone who understood.
“Do you think we should try?”
Frowning, Donghae turned his head to look at the maknae, who was looking at some invisible point on the floor. “Try what?”
Kyuhyun lifted his eyes to look at him, arching a brow. “Kissing, hyung.”
“Wha-“ Donghae pushed himself up again, choking on his words. “What’s wrong with you today, Kyuhyun? Are you drunk?” He took a deep breath, swallowing against the surreal feeling that he had somehow been transported into an alternate reality in which Kyuhyun suddenly wanted to pin him to the bed and make out with him. Raking his hand through his hair again, a clear sign that he was at a loss, he shook his head. “Seriously. I don’t even know what to say.”
“I just think that it wouldn’t hurt to try,” Kyuhyun replied calmly, as if he was talking about ice cream flavors.
“Why do you even think it would work?” Donghae exclaimed, exasperated at the whole, stupid situation. He had no idea where that had come from and he really didn’t care to find out. Rubbing his forehead, he avoided looking over to the other bed.
“You tried it before, hyung, when you were lonely.” That wasn’t the answer to the question, but true all the same. Donghae already regretted admitting it. “It’s just about being close to someone. Just enough to not feel lonely anymore.”
“And we couldn’t try hugging?” Donghae asked sarcastically.
Kyuhyun laughed quietly, a soft, deep sound. “Are you scared, hyung?”
Rolling his eyes, Donghae replied, “I won’t fall for that, Kyuhyun.” He stubbornly ignored the way his pride bristled.
Sheets rustled and Kyuhyun laughed again. “Fine, hyung. Come on then, give me a hug.”
When Donghae finally let his hand drop and looked over to the maknae, Kyuhyun had rolled onto his back and spread his arms mockingly, grinning at him. Snorting, Donghae stood and then dived onto the other bed, catching Kyuhyun in a tackle around the middle that made him groan. Satisfied that he had sufficiently punished the maknae for being disrespectful and a nuisance, he locked an arm around Kyuhyun’s neck and pulled him up until he was slumped forward, forehead buried in his shoulder and Donghae’s cheek pressed against his hair. “You’re so stupid sometimes, Kyuhyun, you know that?”
Lacing his hands behind Donghae’s back, Kyuhyun sighed. “I told you loneliness makes you do stupid things, hyung. And besides, I’m smarter on my stupid days than most people on their good ones.”
“Hey,” Donghae reprimanded, jabbing him in the ribs. “I’m not stupid enough not to realize when you’re insulting me, maknae.”
“Couldn’t hurt to try,” Kyuhyun replied, his voice muffled by Donghae’s shoulder but the smirk audible enough.
Maybe it was just him being paranoid, but Kyuhyun’s answer made Donghae think back to what the other had said earlier after he had nonchalantly suggested kissing. He hadn’t even wanted to think about it before because they were friends and brothers and a little loneliness every now and then didn’t make him that crazy. Not crazy enough to randomly go around kissing his fellow members in Chinese hotel rooms.
But the words were still there, in his head, it wouldn’t hurt to try, and they stuck. He could feel Kyuhyun’s breath hot and damp on his shoulder, sticking the fabric of his shirt to his skin. He could feel the warm weight of his body, comfortably curled into him and around him, making him feel at little more at peace in the world just because there was someone who was willing to give him a hug, to hold him close and not let go for a long while, comfortable with just breathing together for a moment.
And damn if he wasn’t thinking about trying it, just to see what it was like, if it would help at all, if it would make them feel closer.
Maybe it really wouldn’t hurt to try.
“Hey,” he said, “Kyuhyun-ah.” His mouth felt a little dry, but his grip on Kyuhyun’s shoulders was firm as he pushed him upright. Kyuhyun blinked and frowned against the sudden light, looking annoyed. Donghae swallowed, smiling shakily. “Let me try, okay?”
Kyuhyun didn’t look as if he knew what exactly he wanted to try, but Donghae didn’t really care because he was focusing on leaning forward and tilting his head until he could clumsily touch his lips to the other’s. Kyuhyun’s mouth was warm and firm and his lips were pressed together in surprise even as Donghae’s mouth settled over them, soft and pliant.
When Donghae pulled back a little, exhaling a nervously shuddering breath, Kyuhyun relaxed and curled his hands into the sides of the dancer’s t-shirt. He planted a short, reassuring peck on Donghae’s mouth, but that didn’t help anything to calm the other’s nerves.
Donghae was feeling distinctly uneasy as he moved his hands from Kyuhyun’s shoulder’s and cupped them around his cheeks instead, one of his thumbs brushing the rough patch of scar tissue left over from the accident, his fingers sliding into soft hair as he held Kyuhyun’s head still and pressed their lips together again.
This time, Kyuhyun’s mouth was softer, opened slightly so that Donghae’s teeth caught on his bottom lip, lightly dragging across it. It felt strange, doing something so intimate without really wanting to do it, no hormones, no lust, just sweaty hands and a hyper-awareness of every place where they were touching and the shape and texture of Kyuhyun’s mouth under his.
There wasn’t any rush of desire that blurred any memory of who he was kissing or any pulsing of heat that made him want to set the other on fire as well. It felt exactly like kissing Hyukjae had felt like - the uncomfortable feeling of pushing lips together slightly out of synch, the comfort of a warm body, the familiarity of the other’s presence from being together for years and years, but nothing else. He felt self-conscious, aware of every move of his lips and hands and tongue, the bumping of their knees and the shift of fabric against his sides when Kyuhyun moved a little.
It was awkward.
He pulled back, quickly licking his lips, and let go of Kyuhyun’s head. “Um,” he said, fidgeting for a second before he dropped his hands into his lap.
Kyuhyun had opened his eyes, looking almost bored as he tapped his fingers against Donghae’s sides thoughtfully. “Well, that was…”
“Awkward?” Donghae offered before he could help himself.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun replied. “Well, it was worth a try.” He shrugged, removing his hands from the dancer’s sides. “Let’s just leave it at hugging, right, hyung?”
Glad that apparently it really hadn’t hurt to try, despite all awkwardness, Donghae smiled and gave the maknae a friendly slap on the cheek. “Best idea I heard all day. And it won’t weird out the other members either, isn’t that amazing?”
“Ha, ha,” Kyuhyun shot back, but he was grinning.
-
Part 2
Part 3
-
A/N: Originally, I wanted to make two parts instead of three. But I remembered that last time, some people didn't like the length of the story. Also, this is told in three scenes and I didn't know where I should've could the middle scene to make this two parts without breaking the pace. So, three parts it is. I hope you enjoyed this. Part 2 should be up in two or three days. :)