Itachi's Potential Sex Life?
So, I just found a canon-verse Naruto fic in which Uchiha Itachi was described, as, no lie, a “sex god.” This struck me as wildly funny, for the following reasons. Cut for images so I don't break your browser...
Meet Uchiha Itachi. This sexy young man is here shown moments from dying of a wasting disease at the tender age of 21 which, we have reason to believe, he has spent the vast majority of his teenage years battling in order to stay alive long enough for his younger brother to kill him.
Our intrepid multitasker here has balanced this fight for survival with fighting alongside a terrorist organization, incidentally controlled by a madman claiming to be Uchiha Madara who has plans to use them to find nine (9) bijuu and use their combined strength to take over the minds of every living person on the planet. Itachi, being a loyal little Konoha ninja, has also spent this time acting as a double agent in some capacity, although we have yet to really understand how. Is this Itachi plausibly a sex god?
…No, not really. To begin, he has since reached a point in his deterioration where he needed to find Sasuke and get him to kill him post-haste, so he probably didn’t really have the energy to have wild monkey sex with anyone. So much for the potential “healthy 20-something-year-old boy” argument. The wasting disease could, I suppose, be an STD, and maybe his many duties as a double agent/terrorist have left him time to, er, spread his sexual wings, but it really seems like in the latter years of his life Itachi may have had too many things on his mind to truly become a sex god. Perhaps earlier in his life?
Meet Uchiha Itachi, age thirteen. Our intrepid person of note is here pictured torturing his younger brother using an illusion of the actions he took immediately previous: killing his entire family in a complicated plot involving the previously mentioned Madara impersonator, the Third Hokage, Danzo and the other Elders of Konoha, and (presumably) all of the adult members of the Uchiha, who had been planning a coup. Immediately before this, he had, at the age of thirteen, been serving as an ANBU captain and, again, a double agent for Konoha, spying on his family during their coup planning. And in his spare time, he spent time with his little brother.
Here is Itachi at… maybe age 6 at oldest? Anyway, here he is depicted holding his few-month-old baby brother as the Kyuubi attacks Konoha not too far away, which will result, according to our source, in Itachi joining a war and becoming very firmly a pacifist. This will prove to be rather a problem, as he is also, as previously mentioned, a prodigy ninja. He will spend the next seven years steadily climbing the ranks, at the end of which he will commit the above-mentioned act and go to join the terrorist organization. He will be between the ages of 6 and 13. Sex god?
God, no! We all hope he was not having sex during this time. If he was, I guarantee he was not a consenting participant, and thus the title sex god is sort of completely disgusting. There are, of course, cases of twelve-year-olds having consensual sex with other twelve-year-olds, and Itachi is a prodigy in a culture where children are expected to grow up rather quickly. However, I suspect that, if nothing else, his complete inexperience and very little time to get better will hinder his ability to take the title sex god.
Okay, okay, fine. But how about after death? …Okay, fine. Weirdoes.
Here is Uchiha Itachi after death. As you can see, he is walking around and looks rather healthy, albeit with weird black eyes. This is, unfortunately, an illusion. Itachi’s soul is currently trapped in a corpse, forcing said corpse to take on Itachi’s physical appearance and fighting abilities, and presumably without any control over said abilities. Itachi, being the clever little chicadee he is, has actually managed to override the latter part of that situation. He has now given himself the self-appointed task of finding the other zombies and removing the jutsu animating them, perhaps snacking on a few brains on the side, we don’t know, we haven’t seen him for a while. Sex god?
…No. Well, maybe. I mean, we really haven’t seen him in a while, and prior to wrenching control back from Kabuto (the animator in this instance) he was on what some in fandom have jokingly referred to as a “date” with another zombie, but that zombie has since been deactivated, for lack of a better word, and we assume that Itachi would know that the situation is a bit too urgent for him to pause and grab a quick fuck. So, it is unlikely that Itachi has yet earned the title sex god in this scenario.
So where does that leave us? Nowhere we want to go, apparently. Huh. You know what this means? It means, dear readers, that Uchiha Itachi is very likely nowhere near a sex god. In fact, he probably died a virgin. And then continued to be one.
What a shame, huh?
Meet Uchiha Itachi. This sexy young man is here shown moments from dying of a wasting disease at the tender age of 21 which, we have reason to believe, he has spent the vast majority of his teenage years battling in order to stay alive long enough for his younger brother to kill him.
Our intrepid multitasker here has balanced this fight for survival with fighting alongside a terrorist organization, incidentally controlled by a madman claiming to be Uchiha Madara who has plans to use them to find nine (9) bijuu and use their combined strength to take over the minds of every living person on the planet. Itachi, being a loyal little Konoha ninja, has also spent this time acting as a double agent in some capacity, although we have yet to really understand how. Is this Itachi plausibly a sex god?
…No, not really. To begin, he has since reached a point in his deterioration where he needed to find Sasuke and get him to kill him post-haste, so he probably didn’t really have the energy to have wild monkey sex with anyone. So much for the potential “healthy 20-something-year-old boy” argument. The wasting disease could, I suppose, be an STD, and maybe his many duties as a double agent/terrorist have left him time to, er, spread his sexual wings, but it really seems like in the latter years of his life Itachi may have had too many things on his mind to truly become a sex god. Perhaps earlier in his life?
Meet Uchiha Itachi, age thirteen. Our intrepid person of note is here pictured torturing his younger brother using an illusion of the actions he took immediately previous: killing his entire family in a complicated plot involving the previously mentioned Madara impersonator, the Third Hokage, Danzo and the other Elders of Konoha, and (presumably) all of the adult members of the Uchiha, who had been planning a coup. Immediately before this, he had, at the age of thirteen, been serving as an ANBU captain and, again, a double agent for Konoha, spying on his family during their coup planning. And in his spare time, he spent time with his little brother.
Here is Itachi at… maybe age 6 at oldest? Anyway, here he is depicted holding his few-month-old baby brother as the Kyuubi attacks Konoha not too far away, which will result, according to our source, in Itachi joining a war and becoming very firmly a pacifist. This will prove to be rather a problem, as he is also, as previously mentioned, a prodigy ninja. He will spend the next seven years steadily climbing the ranks, at the end of which he will commit the above-mentioned act and go to join the terrorist organization. He will be between the ages of 6 and 13. Sex god?
God, no! We all hope he was not having sex during this time. If he was, I guarantee he was not a consenting participant, and thus the title sex god is sort of completely disgusting. There are, of course, cases of twelve-year-olds having consensual sex with other twelve-year-olds, and Itachi is a prodigy in a culture where children are expected to grow up rather quickly. However, I suspect that, if nothing else, his complete inexperience and very little time to get better will hinder his ability to take the title sex god.
Okay, okay, fine. But how about after death? …Okay, fine. Weirdoes.
Here is Uchiha Itachi after death. As you can see, he is walking around and looks rather healthy, albeit with weird black eyes. This is, unfortunately, an illusion. Itachi’s soul is currently trapped in a corpse, forcing said corpse to take on Itachi’s physical appearance and fighting abilities, and presumably without any control over said abilities. Itachi, being the clever little chicadee he is, has actually managed to override the latter part of that situation. He has now given himself the self-appointed task of finding the other zombies and removing the jutsu animating them, perhaps snacking on a few brains on the side, we don’t know, we haven’t seen him for a while. Sex god?
…No. Well, maybe. I mean, we really haven’t seen him in a while, and prior to wrenching control back from Kabuto (the animator in this instance) he was on what some in fandom have jokingly referred to as a “date” with another zombie, but that zombie has since been deactivated, for lack of a better word, and we assume that Itachi would know that the situation is a bit too urgent for him to pause and grab a quick fuck. So, it is unlikely that Itachi has yet earned the title sex god in this scenario.
So where does that leave us? Nowhere we want to go, apparently. Huh. You know what this means? It means, dear readers, that Uchiha Itachi is very likely nowhere near a sex god. In fact, he probably died a virgin. And then continued to be one.
What a shame, huh?