OOC: Faylen's moods
Faylen doesn't write too well so instead of her writing a private journal post I'm using a fun little ooc post to work out everything that's going through her head right now.
The main reason Faylen is so angry is because she recently took a giant leap of trust and it was just, in her mind, rebuked. It all stems from her ideas of masculine and feminine. Being an urchin she never got a chance to act what she saw as 'feminine' growing up. That would have been the best way to be victimized so instead she made a shell for herself of a tough 'masculine' front. However she'd always been jealous of the other women she saw in pretty dresses getting attention from all the boys and looking like they didn't have a real care in the world. In Budehuc she's most envious of Luserina, since they're from the same town and she's just so different, and now Linfa, since she makes it look so easy. She never thought she would have a chance to be like that, and so she idolized the idea of 'feminine' and turned it into a stark contrast in her mind from what she had to be; 'masculine.'
However since coming to Budehuc she started to feel much safer. The prince's castle in Falena while nice wasn't as safe for her, because with the war on it made much more sense to her emphasize the 'masculine' aspects of her personality. But Budehuc is much more peaceful, it's really one of the first times she's been able to just run around and have fun without much care. She has a room, and enough money for the things she needs so she hasn't had to worry. That's why she started to let herself gravitate more toward what she thought 'feminine' was. She bought that dress in Iksay, but she didn't feel ready to wear it right after even if she liked it because she was worried about being hurt.
It wasn't until after the tournament when she had another excuse, the bruise on her stomach, that she managed to talk herself into the leap of trust to attempt being 'feminine'. Just wearing that dress was a huge thing for her because it was a giant crack in her shell and a peak at some of what was underneath. Everyone was so complimentary to her, and more importantly Roy even asked her out on a date. She was ecstatic and couldn't believe it since it seemed that she was getting what she'd always wanted. Not just Roy liking her, but the chance to form a new persona for herself.
However, not knowing any of this (how could he), Roy continued to follow after Lyon, and ended up ditching Faylen twice in a row. He volunteered to go to the grasslands with her (completely forgetting about the ice cream date) and then when Lyon had to come back early he left again without Faylen. To say that Faylen was crushed would be to put it mildly. She's used to Roy doing stupid things like that for Lyon, and usually just represses it and doesn't let it outwardly upset her for too long, but this time it got to her more. Her act of trust had been rebuked, and acting like a Cancer (this is why I made her a June baby) her instant reaction was to rebuild her shell to protect herself from further hurt.
That's why in her latest post not only was she wearing her normal clothing but she was a great deal more violent and quick to anger than usual. She's not any more mad at Roy for what he did that she normally would be, even if she's blaming him for her mood, she's mad at herself for thinking she could let her guard down. While rebuilding her shell she's going to slip more into what she deems "masculine", which is the rather childish assumptions of violence, anger and being dirty, as a means to protect herself. She's going to continue blaming Roy for this, because this is all happening subconsciously and she doesn't feel she's doing anything different or wrong.
Of course this is on the outside. Once she alone or with people she trusts she's far more likely to show how sad all of this has made her. When she finally made it back to her room after her post (and punching both Kidd and Toma...she's going to apologize for that one later) she cried for quite some time.
So yeah, there's Faylen's fun XD. I wouldn't be surprised if no one actually read this far, it is kinda long. I hate polarizing things by gender, but that's how she sees the world right now, so I guess I have to go with it.
The main reason Faylen is so angry is because she recently took a giant leap of trust and it was just, in her mind, rebuked. It all stems from her ideas of masculine and feminine. Being an urchin she never got a chance to act what she saw as 'feminine' growing up. That would have been the best way to be victimized so instead she made a shell for herself of a tough 'masculine' front. However she'd always been jealous of the other women she saw in pretty dresses getting attention from all the boys and looking like they didn't have a real care in the world. In Budehuc she's most envious of Luserina, since they're from the same town and she's just so different, and now Linfa, since she makes it look so easy. She never thought she would have a chance to be like that, and so she idolized the idea of 'feminine' and turned it into a stark contrast in her mind from what she had to be; 'masculine.'
However since coming to Budehuc she started to feel much safer. The prince's castle in Falena while nice wasn't as safe for her, because with the war on it made much more sense to her emphasize the 'masculine' aspects of her personality. But Budehuc is much more peaceful, it's really one of the first times she's been able to just run around and have fun without much care. She has a room, and enough money for the things she needs so she hasn't had to worry. That's why she started to let herself gravitate more toward what she thought 'feminine' was. She bought that dress in Iksay, but she didn't feel ready to wear it right after even if she liked it because she was worried about being hurt.
It wasn't until after the tournament when she had another excuse, the bruise on her stomach, that she managed to talk herself into the leap of trust to attempt being 'feminine'. Just wearing that dress was a huge thing for her because it was a giant crack in her shell and a peak at some of what was underneath. Everyone was so complimentary to her, and more importantly Roy even asked her out on a date. She was ecstatic and couldn't believe it since it seemed that she was getting what she'd always wanted. Not just Roy liking her, but the chance to form a new persona for herself.
However, not knowing any of this (how could he), Roy continued to follow after Lyon, and ended up ditching Faylen twice in a row. He volunteered to go to the grasslands with her (completely forgetting about the ice cream date) and then when Lyon had to come back early he left again without Faylen. To say that Faylen was crushed would be to put it mildly. She's used to Roy doing stupid things like that for Lyon, and usually just represses it and doesn't let it outwardly upset her for too long, but this time it got to her more. Her act of trust had been rebuked, and acting like a Cancer (this is why I made her a June baby) her instant reaction was to rebuild her shell to protect herself from further hurt.
That's why in her latest post not only was she wearing her normal clothing but she was a great deal more violent and quick to anger than usual. She's not any more mad at Roy for what he did that she normally would be, even if she's blaming him for her mood, she's mad at herself for thinking she could let her guard down. While rebuilding her shell she's going to slip more into what she deems "masculine", which is the rather childish assumptions of violence, anger and being dirty, as a means to protect herself. She's going to continue blaming Roy for this, because this is all happening subconsciously and she doesn't feel she's doing anything different or wrong.
Of course this is on the outside. Once she alone or with people she trusts she's far more likely to show how sad all of this has made her. When she finally made it back to her room after her post (and punching both Kidd and Toma...she's going to apologize for that one later) she cried for quite some time.
So yeah, there's Faylen's fun XD. I wouldn't be surprised if no one actually read this far, it is kinda long. I hate polarizing things by gender, but that's how she sees the world right now, so I guess I have to go with it.