Fic: Howard Moon's Guide to Being Classy (1/?)
Title: Howard Moon's Guide to Being Classy
Author: savanna_says_hi
Rating: PG for now
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh, Noel and Julian do. However, they're currently in my closet, so...oh, I wish.
A/N: This is a pre-S1 AU that grew from one of my droubles at boosh_shorts called Classy I hope those links work coz I'm super bad at HTML.
Enjoy!
Bob Fossil had never claimed that he had a way with people. In fact, all of his employees frequently claimed the opposite. But when someone burst out of his office-a new employee, Howard guessed, from the freshly laundered uniform-screaming, “Get away from me, you pervert!” the fact was firmly compounded.
The new kid, as Howard had spontaneously began to call him in his head, ran off and scuttled around a corner, disappearing from view.
And that was the day that Howard began his quest to save The New Kid.
On the next day, a crisp, early fall morning, Howard trips over a leaf outside Fossil’s office and falls into the open door.
Fossil looks up. There’s a staple stuck in his finger, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “Moon!” he shouts happily, as Howard rights himself in the doorframe, “I knew that would work. It’s the oldest trick in the book. The old put-a-leaf-outside-your-open-office-door-and-wait-for-someone-to-fall-in.” He leans toward the door and whispers, “I read about it in a porno. Don’t tell!”
“What do you want, Mr. Fossil?” Howard asks, but as soon as the words have left his mouth, the new kid bolts through the doorway and slams directly into Howard’s back.
“Shit! Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realize…”
“It’s all right,” Howard says, and offers his hand. The new kid shakes it, and when he looks into Howard’s eyes, Howard realizes he’s not a kid at all, he’s just a bit short and hiding behind his fringe. “I’m Howard,” he says after an awkward pause wherein he had forgotten how to speak.
“Vince,” the not-kid says, and after a moment he looks down pointedly at their hands, still joined together.
“Oh,” Howard says, and snaps his hand back. He would be blushing, but Howard Moon doesn’t do that.
Fossil says, “Oi, you freakish lovebirds, get outta my office before I kick you out! Literally! My foot on your collective asses! Or other places!” and for once Howard is thankful for Fossil’s random outbursts, although he wishes the words could have been much, much different.
“Right, then,” Vince says, and he turns and leaves.
Howard stands still, clutching the doorframe. His heart is beating approximately as fast as the time the shark escaped and nearly ate his hand. That was a horrifying experience. Howard shudders with the recollection, then realizes that Fossil is staring at him, his mouth open and drool pooling at the edges, and Howard flees before it can get any worse.
After waiting what seems to be an appropriate amount of time, Howard goes to seek out Vince. He’s decided to become what he likes to think of as a mentor, of sorts-teach him about the animals, show him his way around the zoo, help him avoid Fossil-but the fact that, in order to accomplish this, he will have to actually talk to Vince and attempt to be normal is a bit troubling.
However, as everyone knows, Howard Moon is a man of utmost class, which is why he runs into Vince while turning a corner. To his surprise, Vince laughs. “We keep running into each other. Just think about what would happen if we walked together. We’d be bowling people over like a great steam engine. GET OUTTA THE WAY OR BE CRUSHED! Can you imagine?” He laughs again, and the sound causes Howard’s chest to tighten in a mildly unpleasant way.
“Err…yeah, it’d be chaotic,” Howard says. On a sudden stroke of semi-creepy inspiration, he adds, “Do you want to try anyway?”
“Try what?” Vince asks. “Walking together? Sure. Let’s go find Mr. Fossil and run him down. He’s well creepy, d’you know that? Yesterday was my first day, right, I went into the office to get my uniform and such, and he says, ‘Come here, Vincey,’ all horrifying, ‘sit on my knee and I’ll tell you a story.’ Well, I freaked out. Is he always like that?”
Howard takes a moment to marvel at how much Vince can say without taking a breath, then says, “Yeah. No one likes him, but he doesn’t realize. And he’s our boss, so we can’t be too mean to him…”
“You know what’d be a genius way to get back at him?” Vince’s eyes look bluer than usual. Not that Howard is paying them any special attention.
“What?”
“Turn invisible, right? Take a cup, like, a heavy mug, or somethin’, and just chuck it at him.”
Howard isn’t exactly sure how to respond to that, so he just says, “We’ll figure something out,” and Vince seems to accept this answer.
“So,” Vince begins, “I guess we should work.”
“Oh, well, actually…” This is slightly more embarrassing than Howard had planned for. He can’t pinpoint why, and this troubles him. “I was thinking that I could…umm…show you around. Help you out, you know. With the zoo stuff. Your work. You’re new, and…I’m not.” Howard’s classiness is thankfully saving him from blushing. Hopefully.
Vince laughs. A piece of Howard’s soul melts. “That’d be great. I haven’t seen an actual animal yet.”
Howard begins to feel more comfortable. This is what long-time employees do: help the new ones. Only this new one isn’t like any of the others. “Let’s start with the aquarium. There’s a fish in there, a bit scary but important to know, by the name of Tony the Prawn…”
Vince is walking with him, and they’re not destroying anything. In fact, Howard gets the distinct feeling that something is beginning to be built.
Author: savanna_says_hi
Rating: PG for now
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh, Noel and Julian do. However, they're currently in my closet, so...oh, I wish.
A/N: This is a pre-S1 AU that grew from one of my droubles at boosh_shorts called Classy I hope those links work coz I'm super bad at HTML.
Enjoy!
Bob Fossil had never claimed that he had a way with people. In fact, all of his employees frequently claimed the opposite. But when someone burst out of his office-a new employee, Howard guessed, from the freshly laundered uniform-screaming, “Get away from me, you pervert!” the fact was firmly compounded.
The new kid, as Howard had spontaneously began to call him in his head, ran off and scuttled around a corner, disappearing from view.
And that was the day that Howard began his quest to save The New Kid.
On the next day, a crisp, early fall morning, Howard trips over a leaf outside Fossil’s office and falls into the open door.
Fossil looks up. There’s a staple stuck in his finger, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “Moon!” he shouts happily, as Howard rights himself in the doorframe, “I knew that would work. It’s the oldest trick in the book. The old put-a-leaf-outside-your-open-office-door-and-wait-for-someone-to-fall-in.” He leans toward the door and whispers, “I read about it in a porno. Don’t tell!”
“What do you want, Mr. Fossil?” Howard asks, but as soon as the words have left his mouth, the new kid bolts through the doorway and slams directly into Howard’s back.
“Shit! Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realize…”
“It’s all right,” Howard says, and offers his hand. The new kid shakes it, and when he looks into Howard’s eyes, Howard realizes he’s not a kid at all, he’s just a bit short and hiding behind his fringe. “I’m Howard,” he says after an awkward pause wherein he had forgotten how to speak.
“Vince,” the not-kid says, and after a moment he looks down pointedly at their hands, still joined together.
“Oh,” Howard says, and snaps his hand back. He would be blushing, but Howard Moon doesn’t do that.
Fossil says, “Oi, you freakish lovebirds, get outta my office before I kick you out! Literally! My foot on your collective asses! Or other places!” and for once Howard is thankful for Fossil’s random outbursts, although he wishes the words could have been much, much different.
“Right, then,” Vince says, and he turns and leaves.
Howard stands still, clutching the doorframe. His heart is beating approximately as fast as the time the shark escaped and nearly ate his hand. That was a horrifying experience. Howard shudders with the recollection, then realizes that Fossil is staring at him, his mouth open and drool pooling at the edges, and Howard flees before it can get any worse.
After waiting what seems to be an appropriate amount of time, Howard goes to seek out Vince. He’s decided to become what he likes to think of as a mentor, of sorts-teach him about the animals, show him his way around the zoo, help him avoid Fossil-but the fact that, in order to accomplish this, he will have to actually talk to Vince and attempt to be normal is a bit troubling.
However, as everyone knows, Howard Moon is a man of utmost class, which is why he runs into Vince while turning a corner. To his surprise, Vince laughs. “We keep running into each other. Just think about what would happen if we walked together. We’d be bowling people over like a great steam engine. GET OUTTA THE WAY OR BE CRUSHED! Can you imagine?” He laughs again, and the sound causes Howard’s chest to tighten in a mildly unpleasant way.
“Err…yeah, it’d be chaotic,” Howard says. On a sudden stroke of semi-creepy inspiration, he adds, “Do you want to try anyway?”
“Try what?” Vince asks. “Walking together? Sure. Let’s go find Mr. Fossil and run him down. He’s well creepy, d’you know that? Yesterday was my first day, right, I went into the office to get my uniform and such, and he says, ‘Come here, Vincey,’ all horrifying, ‘sit on my knee and I’ll tell you a story.’ Well, I freaked out. Is he always like that?”
Howard takes a moment to marvel at how much Vince can say without taking a breath, then says, “Yeah. No one likes him, but he doesn’t realize. And he’s our boss, so we can’t be too mean to him…”
“You know what’d be a genius way to get back at him?” Vince’s eyes look bluer than usual. Not that Howard is paying them any special attention.
“What?”
“Turn invisible, right? Take a cup, like, a heavy mug, or somethin’, and just chuck it at him.”
Howard isn’t exactly sure how to respond to that, so he just says, “We’ll figure something out,” and Vince seems to accept this answer.
“So,” Vince begins, “I guess we should work.”
“Oh, well, actually…” This is slightly more embarrassing than Howard had planned for. He can’t pinpoint why, and this troubles him. “I was thinking that I could…umm…show you around. Help you out, you know. With the zoo stuff. Your work. You’re new, and…I’m not.” Howard’s classiness is thankfully saving him from blushing. Hopefully.
Vince laughs. A piece of Howard’s soul melts. “That’d be great. I haven’t seen an actual animal yet.”
Howard begins to feel more comfortable. This is what long-time employees do: help the new ones. Only this new one isn’t like any of the others. “Let’s start with the aquarium. There’s a fish in there, a bit scary but important to know, by the name of Tony the Prawn…”
Vince is walking with him, and they’re not destroying anything. In fact, Howard gets the distinct feeling that something is beginning to be built.