Comments | bootler: brigits_flame: It Hurts When I Do This

bootler

brigits_flame: It Hurts When I Do This

Jul 11, 2008 08:09

Lookatme lookatme lookatme

Why are the "good" bras always so much more uncomfortable? Why did I wear this bra? It's just a party, it's not like anything's going to happen.

Laughwithme laughwithme laughwithmeDid anyone see that? She made the joke but he looked at me first before he laughed. Are they fighting again? No, wait, now she's ( Read more... )

brigits_flame

Comments 5

A Wonderful entry! desert_rose July 14 2008, 10:28:03 UTC

I couldn't help smiling all the way through this, as I can relate to what the female character is thinking and feeling.

I like the way you used things like Lookatme lookatme lookatme, as it seemed to command that I pay attention to what was coming next.

The length of this piece was perfect for allowing the character to express her thoughts and questions about this guy she clearly likes.

AHHHH, young love, with all its confusion, jealousy and fantasy. You conveyed all these feelings beautifully!

Your grammar and punctuation are excellent!

Fantastic entry! Good luck!!

Re: A Wonderful entry! bootler July 14 2008, 12:16:10 UTC

Wow, thanks very much! I'll admit that I'm not overly thrilled with this, but I'm very glad that you enjoyed it. Also nice to know that it wasn't too short.

Editing cedarwolfsinger July 14 2008, 21:40:00 UTC

Hi there. I'm your primary editor for this week. This is a very interesting entry. I had no corrections. NONE. That's quite good. The emphasis of the "lookatme" and all the headers like it make me think of a rodent on one of those circular cages -- running around and around and getting nowhere. You really capture the pain and confusion of this kind of relationship. Makes me very glad that is behind me! Good entry... I look forward to seeing more from you.

Re: Editing bootler July 15 2008, 01:11:18 UTC

Thanks very much for the feedback!

aisling87 July 18 2008, 16:48:43 UTC

Hello, I'll be filling in as your secondary editor for this piece.

This is a really interesting and creative idea. I like how you give us the answers to the questions the main character is asking. It did a good job of conveying the moods and feelings that were passing between them, and that's not easy to do!

I would have liked just a little more development, however. Not a lot of volume, maybe just a few more details that give us a deeper insight into the characters.

Thanks for sharing!