Brigits_flame: Mud

[bootler]

When I was growing up there were two ways to get to my best friend Peter's house. The first was along the streets which was safe, well-lit at night, boring during the day, and took 40 minutes to walk. Or I could go across the field which was bumpy, pitch black at night, a riot of colour during the day, and only took 23 minutes to run. In the

Comments

[pyat]

This is a very interesting anecdote, and a wonderful story as well.

[bootler]

Thanks very much! Too be honest I wasn't that thrilled with this while I was writing it, we'll see how it stands up to re-reading.

[taste_is_sweet]

Great story. But it was actually very sad to me, that the unthinking meanness of the boys took away such a joy from the girl's life. It's a testament to your writing skill that you were able to get that reaction. :)

[bootler]

Thank you! I was worried that it would seem a bit predictable, but I'm glad it could get a reaction - although I'm sorry it made you sad.

[jamais_toujours]

Heya :).

I'm one of your editors for this week. I just wanted to start off by saying I really enjoyed this piece. You captured not only the character of the narrator, but also gave an insight into the personalities of the other characters too, and the dynamics of the relationships between them all. The dialogue between the girl's parents was realistic, as was the description of her relationship with the two boys. The ending was bittersweet; the children made up, but the girl had lost a part of herself in the process. It gave me the impression that she would never be the same childish, carefree tomboy again, the incident taking her a step towards growing up, something which inevitably happens to us all. It made me feel sad for the girl in a way. As someone else has said before in your comments, to invoke such an emotional response in your readers shows great skill. Good job!

However, to nit-pick, I did spot a few grammar errors. They are the following:

1. The first was along the streets, which was safe, well-lit at night, boring

[bootler]

Thanks very much for the feedback! I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed the piece overall. I'm also not sure where my brain was for the seasons, for some reason I was convinced they took a capital letter. Temporary insanity, I suppose.

Thanks again!

[insolentscrawl]

I like the story, and how it shows the affects our experiences have on us as we grow... how a single event can change our behavior. Very well done.

[bootler]

Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

Editor 2

[triplescorpio]

I'm your other editor for the week. Since I'm following in the steps of your other editor, and I've read what was written, I don't have much to add in the way of grammar or format. What I would like to say is that I thought this was a very well-written story of coming of age. Your narrative flows well, and you have lovely descriptions. I particularly liked "In the Summer I took the field route, marvelling at the hundreds of tiny flowers, chasing after butterflies and hummingbirds, and usually arriving covered in a thin coat of dust." I also feel you did a good job of conveying the girl's "crush" through description, and kept everything simple and understated. Overall, a really good piece of writing.

Re: Editor 2

[bootler]

Thanks for the feedback. I've been working on my descriptions over the last little while, and I'm glad to hear it's paying off.