Brigits_flame: Unity

[bootler]

"O holy night, the stars are brightly shining, it is the night of our dear saviour's birth."

Lynn paused at the sound of the carolers and let the rush of shoppers move past her. Three weeks out from Christmas and the malls were packed. Every year, Lynn swore to herself that she'd finish gift shopping well in advance. And, every year, she found

Comments

[bootler]

Wow, thank you for the incredibly positive feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

[leyse]

Hi, I'm an editor for B_F. For personal reasons, I was offline for three weeks. But I was assigned this piece, and I'd like to fulfill my obligation. I hope my feedback can still be useful.

I really liked the image of the carolers scattering as an almost response to the brusque man. It was a very cool comment on the fleeting nature of unity.

I feel like if you wanted to, you could expand this piece with a bit of creative synesthesia. Mix up the senses and try to give the music itself a solid, tangible feel. I think that'd help emphasize the shattering affect of the guy bumping into Lynn.

This is definitely a good example of tidy, short essay writing, though. I enjoyed it.

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[anonymous]

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