Jurassic Larp
Dave wanted to be a good boyfriend. So he got up early one morning, picked up his tranquilizer gun, and stalked his girlfriend through the grass.
She was a clever girl though, so when he thought he had her in his sights, she appeared to the left of him and let out a shriek so high and saw-like that Dave was going to start getting boners from the home improvement channel. He ran through the trees, zigzagging left and right, but Terezi called out to him,
“Dave, don’t run so fast. I can’t keep up” before stopping completely.
He looked back at her and waited. She jogged up to him, bananas tied to her red shoes. Some people wanted blowjobs on their birthday. Terezi wanted Jurassic Larp.
Which is why when Dave made the fatal mistake of letting her get too close, she screamed, “Jungle law” and kicked Dave in the chest with her banana feet. He tried not to see it as a metaphor for their relationship. He fell dazed on the ground, and she descended upon him.
She dragged the long claw on her foot down Dave’s stomach. What Dave had failed to realize was that along with the long claw on their feet and their speed, the velociraptor’s cunning was their greatest weapon. Twisting open a jar of cherry pie filling, she shoved his shirt off.
“I will eat your cherry guts off you,” she said gently, like the way scientists talked to cattle before dropping them into a cage of velociraptors. Dave laid still as she smeared the gel on him from navel to neck. He told himself that this was the opposite of erotic, like being seduced by Judge Judy.
“I’m eating your entrails, Dave, at least pretend to be in pain,” she prodded. He let out a shitty squeal as she shoved her face into his stomach and screamed. When she had had her way with him, she dusted her self off and grabbed him by the feet.
“I need to go hide your carcass under the brush, so other predators won’t steal my kill,” she said, dragging him, his bare back scrapping against the rough ground.
“Could I at least put my shirt back on if you’re gonna drag me off to feed to your babies?”
Terezi picked his shirt up and slid it over his shoulders. It stuck to the pie filling and bits of grass on his stomach.
“Wow, this is so much better. Thank you, oh gracious velociraptor,” he said as she dragged him back to Jade’s house. Jade met them in the front yard, holding a garden hose aloft.
“Don’t worry, guys. I can help! I help Bec get clean all the time,” she said, unkinking the hose.
She was a clever girl though, so when he thought he had her in his sights, she appeared to the left of him and let out a shriek so high and saw-like that Dave was going to start getting boners from the home improvement channel. He ran through the trees, zigzagging left and right, but Terezi called out to him,
“Dave, don’t run so fast. I can’t keep up” before stopping completely.
He looked back at her and waited. She jogged up to him, bananas tied to her red shoes. Some people wanted blowjobs on their birthday. Terezi wanted Jurassic Larp.
Which is why when Dave made the fatal mistake of letting her get too close, she screamed, “Jungle law” and kicked Dave in the chest with her banana feet. He tried not to see it as a metaphor for their relationship. He fell dazed on the ground, and she descended upon him.
She dragged the long claw on her foot down Dave’s stomach. What Dave had failed to realize was that along with the long claw on their feet and their speed, the velociraptor’s cunning was their greatest weapon. Twisting open a jar of cherry pie filling, she shoved his shirt off.
“I will eat your cherry guts off you,” she said gently, like the way scientists talked to cattle before dropping them into a cage of velociraptors. Dave laid still as she smeared the gel on him from navel to neck. He told himself that this was the opposite of erotic, like being seduced by Judge Judy.
“I’m eating your entrails, Dave, at least pretend to be in pain,” she prodded. He let out a shitty squeal as she shoved her face into his stomach and screamed. When she had had her way with him, she dusted her self off and grabbed him by the feet.
“I need to go hide your carcass under the brush, so other predators won’t steal my kill,” she said, dragging him, his bare back scrapping against the rough ground.
“Could I at least put my shirt back on if you’re gonna drag me off to feed to your babies?”
Terezi picked his shirt up and slid it over his shoulders. It stuck to the pie filling and bits of grass on his stomach.
“Wow, this is so much better. Thank you, oh gracious velociraptor,” he said as she dragged him back to Jade’s house. Jade met them in the front yard, holding a garden hose aloft.
“Don’t worry, guys. I can help! I help Bec get clean all the time,” she said, unkinking the hose.