'if we built an armour for our tender bodies, could we love each other, would we strive to feel?'
Mother and I had a fight over the stupidest thing.
I’d been looking forward to her visit all day. I’d pinched a ton of food from Karingal (where my Certificate is being held; they provide lunch, and instead of eating there, I pack it away to take home) and had a lot of good nibbles to share with her. Plus, I had been doing some ‘research’ for her and was eager to show her what I’d come up with.
So when she came in the door and didn’t even take off her shoes, just asked for the letter from the rental agency, I got a bit- miffed. I didn’t give her attitude, I wasn’t snarky or snide. She read through the letter, had a look at some of the info they provided and then gave me some advice.
And at the end of it, working really hard to keep my resentment from seeping into my tone, I asked her, ‘In the future, if you’re not going to be staying, can you let me know beforehand?’
And she got all frosty and haughty with me. I hate that about her! I hate how she makes me feel so stupid and tongue-tied and I can’t even think because she has this air of superiority that I can’t overcome and ARGH. She just gets all logical and trivializes my feelings and I have no way of expressing myself that doesn’t make me sound like an idiot.
‘What difference does it make?’
‘Well, you standing by the door, not even taking your shoes off, that’s not really a visit.’
‘All I said was that I was dropping by.’
‘I assumed that meant you’d be staying for a while, coming in and sitting down-’
‘Whether I sit down and read the letter or not doesn’t make a difference, I’d spend the same time reading it there.’
‘If you don’t get it, then I can’t think of how to explain it to you!’
‘I’ve had a long day at school, I’ve brought what you wanted, and you want to stand there and complain because I won’t take my shoes off!’
TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT. I didn’t know that all she was doing was coming to read the letter. I mean, yes, that’s the reason she had given for coming, but excuse me for thinking that my mother might be hanging around for a while, since we don’t see each other every day and there’s a lot for us to catch up on now that we’re not living under the same roof.
I mean, she says all the time how she’s just going to drop something off at Ma’s and then she doesn’t come back for an hour because she’s stopped to have a cup of tea and a chat. Sue me for thinking that after getting to the important business, she’d be inclined to talk with me about how things are going. It’s not like people are always literal when you ask them about their plans- they might say one thing, the main motivation, but leave out other parts. (“I’m going to Safeway for milk,” and then buy some fruit or bread as well, etc.)
Anyway, the argument went nowhere, it was just her insisting that there was no difference between a visit and her standing at the door, and that in any case, she’d never told me that she was going to be staying (even though ‘dropping round’ implies a visit which suggests sitting down and chatting) and challenging me to explain what I was making such a fuss about. WHEN ALL I ASKED WAS FOR HER TO LET ME KNOW WHEN SHE’D BE STAYING FOR A PROPER VISIT AND WHEN SHE WAS JUST COMING-AND-GOING STRAIGHTAWAY, HOW IS THAT EVEN UNREASONABLE?
So then she leaves and she pulls the door shut behind her- but I was actually the one to push it shut. With a bit of a bang. Okay, okay, I did rather slam the door.
And then I felt guilty, because I’ve never in my life slammed a door on her before.
And then I cried for a bit and grabbed my scissors, but I’m proud to say that I did not cut myself. I figured that on the grand scale of crap I’ve put up with, this hardly rates as even a blip on my angst!radar, and astonishingly, trying to rationalize my feelings kind of worked? I mean, I was still upset (and even now, in the aftermath when things have been resolved, I’m still a bit upset and teary), but hey, no cutting!
Instead I gorged on wraps- one ham&cheese and two chicken wraps, OM NOM NOM- while watching Body of Proof. I was feeling a bit better; good food, good show, I’d made plans to ditch class and see Netty tomorrow…and then Mother texted.
Look, the majority of me is happy that we’ve patched things up. Even if she apologized for something that wasn’t even her fault (not that I’m telling her; if she’s going to be utterly obtuse and somehow miss the fact that I was upset because she was ditching me and despite that I was still trying to be calm and reasonable- and succeeding til she escalated things, damn it, there was no call for her to get stroppy with me), the important thing is that she texted me. She reached out first. And that means a lot, because I would’ve been too proud to do that. Or- not proud, but afraid. I can’t be the first one to speak, because I’m afraid of being rejected, y’know?
But I’m still a bit frustrated that she didn’t understand where I was coming from at all.
Also, I decided to cut class and watch Game of Thrones with Netty because I was upset and when I’m all emotional and weepy, class is the last thing I feel like. But now that things are back on track…I’m kinda feeling guilty?
Only I really do need to go the bank and sort out this mess with the rental agency. It’s just that I prob could have made it to class before lunch, even after I go to the bank and figure out the details and everything…
Oh, well.
---
On the flip side- things I am grateful for:
* My continued good relationship with Mother. I’ve said it before, but- as much as she might frustrate me sometimes, I love her to bits and I need her, damn it.
* Fun times with Netty. This is a record for us, hanging out twice in one week! Bit of a parallel, actually, she ditched work on Tuesday to come over, and I’m skipping school for her, haha.
* Ben’s presence in class. He’s the reason I feel bad for not going to training. There’s so much about it that bugs the crap out of me and makes me literally bash my head on the desk, and he’s a breath of sanity in the midst of all that. We mock people under our breath, we snark about the pathetic content of the course, I punch him now and then to relieve tension, we trade insults and plot the demise of unfortunate occurrences befalling our teacher and fellow classmates… (hey, when you’re doing Occupational Health and Safety, you start thinking of awful things happening to people!)
* The 8 Ball Quick Fire Pool game. Have you guys played it? I found it through an activity on HiH, and I’m so addicted!
* afigureofspeech and redbrunja reminding me of the awesome that is Nick/Cassie (Push). I'm gleefully planning a rewatch of this now!
* This Elizabeth Weir moodtheme I found! <3
* Dana Delany in Body of Proof. She has always been amazing- I loved her in the Castle two-parter in s2, enough to picspam it!- and I’m so glad she landed a show to highlight her awesomeness. I was all kinds of wibbly that s1 only had nine eps and I’m reaching the end of that...
...but then I found out the new season starts next month. :D SO HAPPY!
* Carla Gugino playing DD Warren in an adaptation of Lisa Gardner’s book, Hide. :D Look, my fave Lisa Gardner is the one with Kimberly, but mother and I really enjoyed one of DD’s books, so first of all, yay for it being adapted into a movie, and b) OMGYAY for an actress I love being the one to play her!
* Callisto in all her crazy psychotic glory. I found links to her eps on Hercules, so I’m all set to enjoy those now! I adore this character so much, I wish she’d had her own spinoff where she ran around being all gleefully nutty and leaving chaos and destruction in her wake! (excuse my crappy gifs, lol)
---
Vidspam: new season, new season, new season! Body of Proof s2! (I just hope the new chick they're adding to the cast doesn't ruin it. Don't go the Human Target route, show, I beg of you!)
(ETA. What in the hell is up with LJ's meddling? How is it an improvement to the system (which I assume it's meant to be) when I now can't alter the size of images when I'm posting them? Ugh!)
I’d been looking forward to her visit all day. I’d pinched a ton of food from Karingal (where my Certificate is being held; they provide lunch, and instead of eating there, I pack it away to take home) and had a lot of good nibbles to share with her. Plus, I had been doing some ‘research’ for her and was eager to show her what I’d come up with.
So when she came in the door and didn’t even take off her shoes, just asked for the letter from the rental agency, I got a bit- miffed. I didn’t give her attitude, I wasn’t snarky or snide. She read through the letter, had a look at some of the info they provided and then gave me some advice.
And at the end of it, working really hard to keep my resentment from seeping into my tone, I asked her, ‘In the future, if you’re not going to be staying, can you let me know beforehand?’
And she got all frosty and haughty with me. I hate that about her! I hate how she makes me feel so stupid and tongue-tied and I can’t even think because she has this air of superiority that I can’t overcome and ARGH. She just gets all logical and trivializes my feelings and I have no way of expressing myself that doesn’t make me sound like an idiot.
‘What difference does it make?’
‘Well, you standing by the door, not even taking your shoes off, that’s not really a visit.’
‘All I said was that I was dropping by.’
‘I assumed that meant you’d be staying for a while, coming in and sitting down-’
‘Whether I sit down and read the letter or not doesn’t make a difference, I’d spend the same time reading it there.’
‘If you don’t get it, then I can’t think of how to explain it to you!’
‘I’ve had a long day at school, I’ve brought what you wanted, and you want to stand there and complain because I won’t take my shoes off!’
TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT. I didn’t know that all she was doing was coming to read the letter. I mean, yes, that’s the reason she had given for coming, but excuse me for thinking that my mother might be hanging around for a while, since we don’t see each other every day and there’s a lot for us to catch up on now that we’re not living under the same roof.
I mean, she says all the time how she’s just going to drop something off at Ma’s and then she doesn’t come back for an hour because she’s stopped to have a cup of tea and a chat. Sue me for thinking that after getting to the important business, she’d be inclined to talk with me about how things are going. It’s not like people are always literal when you ask them about their plans- they might say one thing, the main motivation, but leave out other parts. (“I’m going to Safeway for milk,” and then buy some fruit or bread as well, etc.)
Anyway, the argument went nowhere, it was just her insisting that there was no difference between a visit and her standing at the door, and that in any case, she’d never told me that she was going to be staying (even though ‘dropping round’ implies a visit which suggests sitting down and chatting) and challenging me to explain what I was making such a fuss about. WHEN ALL I ASKED WAS FOR HER TO LET ME KNOW WHEN SHE’D BE STAYING FOR A PROPER VISIT AND WHEN SHE WAS JUST COMING-AND-GOING STRAIGHTAWAY, HOW IS THAT EVEN UNREASONABLE?
So then she leaves and she pulls the door shut behind her- but I was actually the one to push it shut. With a bit of a bang. Okay, okay, I did rather slam the door.
And then I felt guilty, because I’ve never in my life slammed a door on her before.
And then I cried for a bit and grabbed my scissors, but I’m proud to say that I did not cut myself. I figured that on the grand scale of crap I’ve put up with, this hardly rates as even a blip on my angst!radar, and astonishingly, trying to rationalize my feelings kind of worked? I mean, I was still upset (and even now, in the aftermath when things have been resolved, I’m still a bit upset and teary), but hey, no cutting!
Instead I gorged on wraps- one ham&cheese and two chicken wraps, OM NOM NOM- while watching Body of Proof. I was feeling a bit better; good food, good show, I’d made plans to ditch class and see Netty tomorrow…and then Mother texted.
Look, the majority of me is happy that we’ve patched things up. Even if she apologized for something that wasn’t even her fault (not that I’m telling her; if she’s going to be utterly obtuse and somehow miss the fact that I was upset because she was ditching me and despite that I was still trying to be calm and reasonable- and succeeding til she escalated things, damn it, there was no call for her to get stroppy with me), the important thing is that she texted me. She reached out first. And that means a lot, because I would’ve been too proud to do that. Or- not proud, but afraid. I can’t be the first one to speak, because I’m afraid of being rejected, y’know?
But I’m still a bit frustrated that she didn’t understand where I was coming from at all.
Also, I decided to cut class and watch Game of Thrones with Netty because I was upset and when I’m all emotional and weepy, class is the last thing I feel like. But now that things are back on track…I’m kinda feeling guilty?
Only I really do need to go the bank and sort out this mess with the rental agency. It’s just that I prob could have made it to class before lunch, even after I go to the bank and figure out the details and everything…
Oh, well.
---
On the flip side- things I am grateful for:
* My continued good relationship with Mother. I’ve said it before, but- as much as she might frustrate me sometimes, I love her to bits and I need her, damn it.
* Fun times with Netty. This is a record for us, hanging out twice in one week! Bit of a parallel, actually, she ditched work on Tuesday to come over, and I’m skipping school for her, haha.
* Ben’s presence in class. He’s the reason I feel bad for not going to training. There’s so much about it that bugs the crap out of me and makes me literally bash my head on the desk, and he’s a breath of sanity in the midst of all that. We mock people under our breath, we snark about the pathetic content of the course, I punch him now and then to relieve tension, we trade insults and plot the demise of unfortunate occurrences befalling our teacher and fellow classmates… (hey, when you’re doing Occupational Health and Safety, you start thinking of awful things happening to people!)
* The 8 Ball Quick Fire Pool game. Have you guys played it? I found it through an activity on HiH, and I’m so addicted!
* afigureofspeech and redbrunja reminding me of the awesome that is Nick/Cassie (Push). I'm gleefully planning a rewatch of this now!
* This Elizabeth Weir moodtheme I found! <3
* Dana Delany in Body of Proof. She has always been amazing- I loved her in the Castle two-parter in s2, enough to picspam it!- and I’m so glad she landed a show to highlight her awesomeness. I was all kinds of wibbly that s1 only had nine eps and I’m reaching the end of that...
...but then I found out the new season starts next month. :D SO HAPPY!
* Carla Gugino playing DD Warren in an adaptation of Lisa Gardner’s book, Hide. :D Look, my fave Lisa Gardner is the one with Kimberly, but mother and I really enjoyed one of DD’s books, so first of all, yay for it being adapted into a movie, and b) OMGYAY for an actress I love being the one to play her!
* Callisto in all her crazy psychotic glory. I found links to her eps on Hercules, so I’m all set to enjoy those now! I adore this character so much, I wish she’d had her own spinoff where she ran around being all gleefully nutty and leaving chaos and destruction in her wake! (excuse my crappy gifs, lol)
---
Vidspam: new season, new season, new season! Body of Proof s2! (I just hope the new chick they're adding to the cast doesn't ruin it. Don't go the Human Target route, show, I beg of you!)
Click to view(ETA. What in the hell is up with LJ's meddling? How is it an improvement to the system (which I assume it's meant to be) when I now can't alter the size of images when I'm posting them? Ugh!)