For my Supernatural Friends Only--After 5.05
Fiction: The Words They Never Said
Word Count: 1195
Spoilers: Up through 5.05
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'd have taken better care of them.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Because I couldn't take it any more.
The Words They Never Said
Whatever Sam was seeing, it wasn’t the view through the car windshield. Dean couldn’t take it any more.
“We gotta talk.” Without waiting for a response, Dean steered the Impala to a stop across the two-lane road and killed the engine. It took longer than Dean would have liked for Sam to join him in front of the hood. It was another mark of how distant they’d become that they leaned against the car as physically far apart as possible. And Sam was still silent. Dean was going to have to start cleaning this wound on his own.
“Look, what’s happened…” Oh hell. “Sammy…Sam. Look, before Mom and Dad were even…Mom and Dad… Mom made a deal with the yellow-eyed demon to save Dad, and she…she didn’t know she was doing it…but she sold you to the devil. And we can say she was wrong, but if she hadn’t… well, we wouldn’t be here talking about it. And Dad…he sold his soul to…to save my life. And he shouldn’t have done that…And then I did the same thing to you. And our family is really messed up, you know…” Dean took a glance at Sam out of the corner of his eye. Sam was still staring grimly straight ahead.
“And it gets worse because, of, of what I did in Hell, opening the seal…”Dean’s voice broke momentarily. Pulling glass shards out of his own skin would have been easier. From the other side of the car Sam stirred, but Dean plowed on. He couldn’t stop now. “And what you did…with Lilith…you didn’t know…you were set up…”
Sam viciously jerked his body away from the car. “Why us? Why, Dean? Why is it that our family has been royally fucked over? It’s like we’re just pawns in some cosmic game! And why…why am I Lucifer’s meatsuit and you’re Michael’s?”
“Maybe it’s some damn cosmic karma that says Lucifer and Michael have to fight each other again and if the world gets screwed in the middle of it, well, that’s what happens. But it doesn’t have to be us, Sam, it doesn’t. Or maybe it does, I don’t know.” Dean rubbed his forehead. “Maybe, for whatever reason, whoever put us here figured we had a chance at…getting it right. I don’t know, Sam. I can’t even think about it any more. I just know that if you and I don’t make it right between us, well, I don’t want to think about what’s gonna happen.”
Dean looked searchingly at his brother’s hard eyes, Sam’s hunched shoulders and fierce posture telling Dean his words weren’t working. Time to relinquish the illusion of being in control.
“The demon blood drinking part, listening to Ruby…That you made a choice to do…and it was wrong…but…the thing is…what I did in Hell to those…other souls…I did that on my own too, because…because I was weak…”
“What I’m trying to say, Sammy…Sam…is that we both screwed up big time. And we’d both give anything to change it…but we don’t get a do-over, and I think we’re both having a hard time forgiving each other because…well, because we’re really having a hard time forgiving ourselves.”
“Don’t…you…ever…say…you…are…weak…again!” The vehemence in Sam’s voice startled Dean. And suddenly angry Sam was gone, replaced by a Sam who looked as lost as the day Jess had died. “Dean, I’d give anything to take it all back, all of it, not just Ruby and the seal, but what I said to you…”
“I believe you, Sam. And I said some stuff too…I can be a real judgmental bastard, sometimes, you know? And I’m sorry, if I’d have trusted you maybe it would’ve turned out different…
“But dammit, we can’t go back, and I for one don’t want to go where we’re being put! But the only way I see us having a chance is together. We gotta forgive ourselves and...and let the past go. It’s a messed-up, crappy life, but…but if we were brothers again, really brothers…I could keep fighting.”
Sam’s eyes were suddenly too bright. “How can I be your brother again when I can’t trust myself?”
“Dude, you think you have a lock on hating yourself?” Dean seized Sam’s shoulders and froze Sam’s gaze with his. “I can’t stand myself when I think about what I did! And I want to forget but I can’t! And I can’t undo it-But the goddamn angels say I can fix it if I just let Michael take me over…” Dean dropped his hands from Sam. “Is that what I have to do, Sammy? Give myself up again? ‘Cause there won’t be anything left of me if I do.” Dean could hardly get the next words out. “I could save the world if I wasn’t such a selfish bastard.”
“No.” Now Sam’s hand clenched Dean’s shoulder like a vise. “No, you were a selfish bastard when you sold yourself to the demon for me. And Dad was a selfish bastard when he did it for you. And I understand why you did it. And I might’ve, hell, I tried doing the same thing for you. Because being alone…it sucked. And I justified everything I was doing with Ruby by thinking of it as my mission, my revenge…and I knew, deep down, it wasn’t right…even if some parts of it, the saving people, that was good, it wasn’t worth the price. And if you’d been here, I don’t know if I’d have listened to you…but you sure as hell would’ve tried to stop me. But when you came back it was too late, I told myself you wouldn’t understand…And it was me not trusting you.
“Dean. We have made a holy mess of things, but…” very softly, “I think you’re right about…about forgiving ourselves. And trusting ourselves…trusting each other…Because no matter how bad it gets, I’m gonna believe the world has a better shot against the Apocalypse with Dean Winchester fighting than with Michael…because I don’t think Lucifer can get me while you’re with me…”
“Sam…” Sam was finally looking at him. “I don’t know what else to say…I can’t be responsible for keeping you from Lucifer…”
“You don’t have to be…It’s just that…” Sam took a deep breath and suddenly looked solidly himself. “When you believe in me, then I can believe in myself too. And…” thoughfully, “it’s that way for you, too. “ Sam’s sudden ferocious grin took Dean by surprise. “We’re completely, co-dependently dysfunctional. I can’t even say it’s all Dad’s fault…and damn, this is so not where we’d be if life were fair…but this is what we’re good at, and as long as we have each others’ back…
Dean’s eyes were stinging. “Sammy…I mean Sam…”
And their arms were wrapped around each other and neither one said anything for a few minutes. Sam regained control of his voice first.
“I won’t get pissed if you call me Sammy once in a while. ‘Cause I still need a big brother sometimes. As long as you remember you can lean on me too. Deal?”
“Deal.“
The Impala doors slammed shut simultaneously. “Fuck the Apocalypse. Those sons-of bitches ain’t gonna know what hit ‘em.”
Word Count: 1195
Spoilers: Up through 5.05
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'd have taken better care of them.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Because I couldn't take it any more.
The Words They Never Said
Whatever Sam was seeing, it wasn’t the view through the car windshield. Dean couldn’t take it any more.
“We gotta talk.” Without waiting for a response, Dean steered the Impala to a stop across the two-lane road and killed the engine. It took longer than Dean would have liked for Sam to join him in front of the hood. It was another mark of how distant they’d become that they leaned against the car as physically far apart as possible. And Sam was still silent. Dean was going to have to start cleaning this wound on his own.
“Look, what’s happened…” Oh hell. “Sammy…Sam. Look, before Mom and Dad were even…Mom and Dad… Mom made a deal with the yellow-eyed demon to save Dad, and she…she didn’t know she was doing it…but she sold you to the devil. And we can say she was wrong, but if she hadn’t… well, we wouldn’t be here talking about it. And Dad…he sold his soul to…to save my life. And he shouldn’t have done that…And then I did the same thing to you. And our family is really messed up, you know…” Dean took a glance at Sam out of the corner of his eye. Sam was still staring grimly straight ahead.
“And it gets worse because, of, of what I did in Hell, opening the seal…”Dean’s voice broke momentarily. Pulling glass shards out of his own skin would have been easier. From the other side of the car Sam stirred, but Dean plowed on. He couldn’t stop now. “And what you did…with Lilith…you didn’t know…you were set up…”
Sam viciously jerked his body away from the car. “Why us? Why, Dean? Why is it that our family has been royally fucked over? It’s like we’re just pawns in some cosmic game! And why…why am I Lucifer’s meatsuit and you’re Michael’s?”
“Maybe it’s some damn cosmic karma that says Lucifer and Michael have to fight each other again and if the world gets screwed in the middle of it, well, that’s what happens. But it doesn’t have to be us, Sam, it doesn’t. Or maybe it does, I don’t know.” Dean rubbed his forehead. “Maybe, for whatever reason, whoever put us here figured we had a chance at…getting it right. I don’t know, Sam. I can’t even think about it any more. I just know that if you and I don’t make it right between us, well, I don’t want to think about what’s gonna happen.”
Dean looked searchingly at his brother’s hard eyes, Sam’s hunched shoulders and fierce posture telling Dean his words weren’t working. Time to relinquish the illusion of being in control.
“The demon blood drinking part, listening to Ruby…That you made a choice to do…and it was wrong…but…the thing is…what I did in Hell to those…other souls…I did that on my own too, because…because I was weak…”
“What I’m trying to say, Sammy…Sam…is that we both screwed up big time. And we’d both give anything to change it…but we don’t get a do-over, and I think we’re both having a hard time forgiving each other because…well, because we’re really having a hard time forgiving ourselves.”
“Don’t…you…ever…say…you…are…weak…again!” The vehemence in Sam’s voice startled Dean. And suddenly angry Sam was gone, replaced by a Sam who looked as lost as the day Jess had died. “Dean, I’d give anything to take it all back, all of it, not just Ruby and the seal, but what I said to you…”
“I believe you, Sam. And I said some stuff too…I can be a real judgmental bastard, sometimes, you know? And I’m sorry, if I’d have trusted you maybe it would’ve turned out different…
“But dammit, we can’t go back, and I for one don’t want to go where we’re being put! But the only way I see us having a chance is together. We gotta forgive ourselves and...and let the past go. It’s a messed-up, crappy life, but…but if we were brothers again, really brothers…I could keep fighting.”
Sam’s eyes were suddenly too bright. “How can I be your brother again when I can’t trust myself?”
“Dude, you think you have a lock on hating yourself?” Dean seized Sam’s shoulders and froze Sam’s gaze with his. “I can’t stand myself when I think about what I did! And I want to forget but I can’t! And I can’t undo it-But the goddamn angels say I can fix it if I just let Michael take me over…” Dean dropped his hands from Sam. “Is that what I have to do, Sammy? Give myself up again? ‘Cause there won’t be anything left of me if I do.” Dean could hardly get the next words out. “I could save the world if I wasn’t such a selfish bastard.”
“No.” Now Sam’s hand clenched Dean’s shoulder like a vise. “No, you were a selfish bastard when you sold yourself to the demon for me. And Dad was a selfish bastard when he did it for you. And I understand why you did it. And I might’ve, hell, I tried doing the same thing for you. Because being alone…it sucked. And I justified everything I was doing with Ruby by thinking of it as my mission, my revenge…and I knew, deep down, it wasn’t right…even if some parts of it, the saving people, that was good, it wasn’t worth the price. And if you’d been here, I don’t know if I’d have listened to you…but you sure as hell would’ve tried to stop me. But when you came back it was too late, I told myself you wouldn’t understand…And it was me not trusting you.
“Dean. We have made a holy mess of things, but…” very softly, “I think you’re right about…about forgiving ourselves. And trusting ourselves…trusting each other…Because no matter how bad it gets, I’m gonna believe the world has a better shot against the Apocalypse with Dean Winchester fighting than with Michael…because I don’t think Lucifer can get me while you’re with me…”
“Sam…” Sam was finally looking at him. “I don’t know what else to say…I can’t be responsible for keeping you from Lucifer…”
“You don’t have to be…It’s just that…” Sam took a deep breath and suddenly looked solidly himself. “When you believe in me, then I can believe in myself too. And…” thoughfully, “it’s that way for you, too. “ Sam’s sudden ferocious grin took Dean by surprise. “We’re completely, co-dependently dysfunctional. I can’t even say it’s all Dad’s fault…and damn, this is so not where we’d be if life were fair…but this is what we’re good at, and as long as we have each others’ back…
Dean’s eyes were stinging. “Sammy…I mean Sam…”
And their arms were wrapped around each other and neither one said anything for a few minutes. Sam regained control of his voice first.
“I won’t get pissed if you call me Sammy once in a while. ‘Cause I still need a big brother sometimes. As long as you remember you can lean on me too. Deal?”
“Deal.“
The Impala doors slammed shut simultaneously. “Fuck the Apocalypse. Those sons-of bitches ain’t gonna know what hit ‘em.”