into the rabbit hole
pairing: taeyeon/boa
rating: pg-13
written for a seoulfulness prompt a while back
---
“How’s your sub-unit doing these days?”
Taeyeon’s eyes sweep once over the ridge of her shoulders as BoA reaches over to set the alarm. Taeyeon never hears it in the morning but then again, it’s not like she needs to when she can just feel the bed springs squeak and the door open and close minutes later.
“Okay. We’re still staying in the top tens.”
There’s always that possibility, Taeyeon’s constantly reminded, of going solo. Her company pens it as an inevitability.
“i would rather perform solo than as a group”
She had raised an “x” instinctively that time, and when Jae-suk asked for her explanation, she’d given the standard speech about group unity, the power of nine or whatever, all neatly tied together with the SM stamp of approval.
It’s not that she doesn’t believe it’s true (after all, the best lies contain a dose of truth), but her real reason for not going solo is because she doesn’t know how to function by herself. The thought of being unable to cower behind the curtain of her members’ mistakes terrifies her.
“Which I’d prefer? I don’t know, I’ve never really had a chance to be in a group,” BoA puzzles over the question.
Taeyeon defers to BoA on matters like this because those twelve years of experience will probably outlast her own career.
“Although, I sometimes imagine that I’m in a group like yours. I feel like it would be less...lonely that way.”
Taeyeon thinks about all the hard times she’s had in Japan, and even back to their first time on Music Station, where she remembers a hand holding hers, holding back her jitters. She tries to imagine doing all of that alone.
When TTS promotions end and all nine of them are called back into the studio, Sooyoung casually mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with BoA-sunbaenim lately. Taeyeon asks if she’s jealous.
“It’s not like we have that much time before we each get shipped off to our respective continents,” Taeyeon remarks. Maybe that’s it, the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder crap because Taeyeon always has so much to say. And while BoA may only be two years older, her maturity is a class above, so it’s a lot less pity party and a lot more hard hitting criticism. Be empathetic, not sympathetic, is what BoA always tells her.
Their time together adds up: the video chats, the long running messages, and those few days in a year where they have breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed. It just happens, those small changes in their relationship; Taeyeon starts to make time for her, prepare things for her, and they each make a habit of remembering the other’s birthday. Even the sex changes, less visceral than before.
Maybe if Taeyeon were to go solo, she’d have more flexibility with her schedule, more time to spend together, and more things in common with her -- her ticket in, to that world of hers. Taeyeon tells her in bed one night.
BoA stops playing with the highlights in her hair, and straightens her back against the bedpost.
“So we’re already at this point, huh,” she says wistfully.
The next morning, Taeyeon’s surprised that there’s an actual body lying next to her and not just an imprint of one. She thinks, as she presses a kiss against her neck, that they must have all the time in the world now.
She’s reassured when everything seems okay the next day and the day after (BoA’s even taken to calling her Taeyeon-ah now) right up until BoA rejects the next invitation to her room, and parts with a kiss on the cheek instead of the lips.
“You’re a really good friend to me. You know that right?” she says softly, “And a really precious hoobae. And I don’t want to screw that up so this has to stop.”
Heart in her throat, heart in her palm, and Taeyeon was all ready to hand it over just like that. Now everything’s just getting cold out there in the open. She holds back a shiver.
“No, no, I understand,” Taeyeon replies, smile burning her lips as she lies.
Maybe this is punishment for considering leaving her group, her members, for flexibility, and possibly more time under the sheets, and slapping the snooze button in the morning, and hitting the streets and shops of foreign countries, and celebrating birthdays with candles and cake instead of tired words embedded in late-night voicemails.
Her members try to pry an explanation out of her and when she finally does spill, over half a bottle of soju, they envelope her in hugs and kisses and promises that everything will be okay; Taeyeon almost hates them for it. She misses the sit-down shrink she used to have for these kinds of things, who would dissect the problem, not tape over it with a band-aid solution. Taeyeon misses her because when she was with her, she wouldn't lose herself in the other eight, because BoA brings her back every time. It's when she's with her that Taeyeon has the guts to even think about things like going solo, or having pursuits other than crafting up a camera-worthy smile.
"Sorry about before," Sooyoung says and reaches to pat her on the back.
Taeyeon doesn't think she'll ever make it to acceptance, not when she's still so hung up at the anger stage. The only thing she doesn't hate right now is the feeling of soju burning down her throat.
rating: pg-13
written for a seoulfulness prompt a while back
---
“How’s your sub-unit doing these days?”
Taeyeon’s eyes sweep once over the ridge of her shoulders as BoA reaches over to set the alarm. Taeyeon never hears it in the morning but then again, it’s not like she needs to when she can just feel the bed springs squeak and the door open and close minutes later.
“Okay. We’re still staying in the top tens.”
There’s always that possibility, Taeyeon’s constantly reminded, of going solo. Her company pens it as an inevitability.
“i would rather perform solo than as a group”
She had raised an “x” instinctively that time, and when Jae-suk asked for her explanation, she’d given the standard speech about group unity, the power of nine or whatever, all neatly tied together with the SM stamp of approval.
It’s not that she doesn’t believe it’s true (after all, the best lies contain a dose of truth), but her real reason for not going solo is because she doesn’t know how to function by herself. The thought of being unable to cower behind the curtain of her members’ mistakes terrifies her.
“Which I’d prefer? I don’t know, I’ve never really had a chance to be in a group,” BoA puzzles over the question.
Taeyeon defers to BoA on matters like this because those twelve years of experience will probably outlast her own career.
“Although, I sometimes imagine that I’m in a group like yours. I feel like it would be less...lonely that way.”
Taeyeon thinks about all the hard times she’s had in Japan, and even back to their first time on Music Station, where she remembers a hand holding hers, holding back her jitters. She tries to imagine doing all of that alone.
When TTS promotions end and all nine of them are called back into the studio, Sooyoung casually mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with BoA-sunbaenim lately. Taeyeon asks if she’s jealous.
“It’s not like we have that much time before we each get shipped off to our respective continents,” Taeyeon remarks. Maybe that’s it, the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder crap because Taeyeon always has so much to say. And while BoA may only be two years older, her maturity is a class above, so it’s a lot less pity party and a lot more hard hitting criticism. Be empathetic, not sympathetic, is what BoA always tells her.
Their time together adds up: the video chats, the long running messages, and those few days in a year where they have breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed. It just happens, those small changes in their relationship; Taeyeon starts to make time for her, prepare things for her, and they each make a habit of remembering the other’s birthday. Even the sex changes, less visceral than before.
Maybe if Taeyeon were to go solo, she’d have more flexibility with her schedule, more time to spend together, and more things in common with her -- her ticket in, to that world of hers. Taeyeon tells her in bed one night.
BoA stops playing with the highlights in her hair, and straightens her back against the bedpost.
“So we’re already at this point, huh,” she says wistfully.
The next morning, Taeyeon’s surprised that there’s an actual body lying next to her and not just an imprint of one. She thinks, as she presses a kiss against her neck, that they must have all the time in the world now.
She’s reassured when everything seems okay the next day and the day after (BoA’s even taken to calling her Taeyeon-ah now) right up until BoA rejects the next invitation to her room, and parts with a kiss on the cheek instead of the lips.
“You’re a really good friend to me. You know that right?” she says softly, “And a really precious hoobae. And I don’t want to screw that up so this has to stop.”
Heart in her throat, heart in her palm, and Taeyeon was all ready to hand it over just like that. Now everything’s just getting cold out there in the open. She holds back a shiver.
“No, no, I understand,” Taeyeon replies, smile burning her lips as she lies.
Maybe this is punishment for considering leaving her group, her members, for flexibility, and possibly more time under the sheets, and slapping the snooze button in the morning, and hitting the streets and shops of foreign countries, and celebrating birthdays with candles and cake instead of tired words embedded in late-night voicemails.
Her members try to pry an explanation out of her and when she finally does spill, over half a bottle of soju, they envelope her in hugs and kisses and promises that everything will be okay; Taeyeon almost hates them for it. She misses the sit-down shrink she used to have for these kinds of things, who would dissect the problem, not tape over it with a band-aid solution. Taeyeon misses her because when she was with her, she wouldn't lose herself in the other eight, because BoA brings her back every time. It's when she's with her that Taeyeon has the guts to even think about things like going solo, or having pursuits other than crafting up a camera-worthy smile.
"Sorry about before," Sooyoung says and reaches to pat her on the back.
Taeyeon doesn't think she'll ever make it to acceptance, not when she's still so hung up at the anger stage. The only thing she doesn't hate right now is the feeling of soju burning down her throat.