March 24, 2009
I seem to have become a once a month poster and that is just pitiful. I used to be all over my CC journal so I don't know what my problem is other than life getting in the way. Thank you to my journal buddies for being so understanding.
I have lost 15.4 lbs since January! I lost 10 fairly quickly and then farted around for a month or so and have finally gotten back on track. The past two weeks, I've lost over 2lbs both times, so I think I've found my groove again. I weigh in tomorrow and if I can keep up the 2lbs/week, I will be at my goal in June just in time for my little brother's wedding!
I am still holding out hope on becoming a runner. I have day dreams of achieving a runner's legs. I do it grudgingly almost every day, but still hate every minute of it until I'm done. Then, I think it's the greatest thing ever. Will I ever feel that way WHILE I'm running and want to keep going instead of watching the clock the entire time?
I realize that this may sound vain, but I truly don't mean it that way. For the past several years, I have felt like my life was good. Really good. I love my husband. I love my daughter. I love my dogs. I love our little house (for the most part). I love my friends. I love my job. However, I haven't loved myself. I have been so upset about this extra weight that it's caused me to withdraw and not have fun in situations because I haven't looked my best. I'm not sure this was evident to anyone but me as I still tried to dress nicely, keep a fresh hair cut and color, look like I was having a good time, etc. I would find myself declining invitations or if I accepted, beating myself up mentally while I was there. Even with only a 15lb loss, I can say that my self-esteem has already improved tremendously, as has my relationship with Josh since I used to take my dissatisfaction with myself out on him. The missing pieces are falling into place.
Speaking of missing pieces...This is much bigger that any extra weight and actually makes me feel silly for writing about that, but it is a part of the big picture. The number 1 source of dissatisfaction with myself is because my spirituality has been lacking. It has been lacking for almost 10 years. I grew up in a Christian home and attended a wonderful church with countless opportunities for children and teens. I was saved and baptized as a 4th grader. I have so many wonderful memories for that time in my life and am ashamed that I didn't stay on that path during my college years and beyond. By God's grace, he has forgiven me for straying for so many years.
It took my 2 year old daughter for me to realize what a huge missing void I had. While things in my life were good, they could be GREAT with Him as my best friend. My deepest desire is for Lainey to come to know the Lord and develop a personal relationship with Him. I also want her to grow up in a church filled with godly activities for her to attend. Thus began the search for a church home.
Josh and I would attend church here and there, mostly the church where he grew up, but it's not what I was looking for. He agreed and we spent some time visiting elsewhere. Usually, I'd scope out a place for a couple of weeks by myself and then he'd attend and wouldn't like it and that would be that. After a couple of years of this, something led me to the conclusion that I needed to find a church home and become involved and raise my child there and hope and pray that Josh would be receptive. It took Lainey reaching the age where she knew what was going on for me to realize that we needed to be in church NOW and I needed to get myself right with God.
In November, I attended a church not far from our house and immediately felt at home. Josh went with me a couple of times and liked it too. Since January, Lainey and I have attended every Sunday and this coming Sunday, I am joining the church! This decision has brought a peace over me and I know that I am finally on His path again.
I will admit that I had hopes of Josh and I joining the church together. There were times when I was downright upset that he wasn't ready. Now, I am thankful that he is receptive and supportive and I have faith that one day, he will join as well if that is God's will. For now though, I know that I have found the place that is right for me and for Lainey. My void has been filled - not by joining a church, but by getting back onto God's path for my life.
I realize that I may have alienated a large population of my FL. If you chose to de-friend me, I understand. I truly just wanted to share the good news that is my life, all thanks to Jesus!