this is our brains, rattling around

[bothers]

speed fiction, from gayre and gaythers

jaejoong, tablo, nighttime talks & self-discovery (of sorts).

---

until 9.15 PM, 11/19/08

Comments

[bothers]

he smokes because he can,
but he loves because they expect him to.

"don't conform don't conform don't," he tells himself,

but he gets. scared.

[flickre]

"why not," jaejoong says, "try this."

the new brand tastes foul, stomach-sickening as it curls around his throat swallowing words that swallow lies that swallow wants and desire.

[bothers]

"nah," tablo says with a shake of his head, "i've heard those smokes are really gross.."

he prefers to stick to something he knows

tried, but true.

[flickre]

he coughs, yeah, maybe he should have stuck to his brand. yoochun's tastes were terrible, even if he did smell good at three am with coffee.

"someone told me that when you move to a new country you go through brands until you settle for the sixth one.

or was it seven-?" said jaejoong, "it was the seventh. yoochun said that was lucky."

[bothers]

"what, wouldn't that apply better if it was houses?"
or even friends, tablo thinks, helping himself to some beer.

"you don't mind, right, if i..?" he drinks it anyway, eyes closed, savouring, not waiting for an answer.

"you know, jaejoong, things coming from yoochun - they're usually bullshit."

alcohol makes him bolder.

[flickre]

he lets him with the alcohol, but he says, "i think you can be lucky sometimes."

the thought sits for a while. jaejoong thinks about tablo's boldness, how it doesn't sound cool like him, he sounds angry, but not at him or yoochun who did bullshit all the time but always got away with it; tablo sounded like that maybe the sixth time wasn't enough and couldn't be- do birds ever fly without wings? do people ever love without expecting anything back? do you ever get used to something until it becomes nothing, and when it does, what do you do?

those were the questions jaejoong nursed into his drink. tablo was sad and angry. jaejoong was just sad. and somewhere, no one was feeling either.

[bothers]

"lucky?" tablo doesn't really believe in luck

[flickre]

"okay." jaejoong says, nodding half awake half dreaming. in his hand there is a near empty bottle instead of a dishrag from when he used to bus tables, thirty-eight hour shifts between work, singing, and traveling from nowhere to somewhere, and back again.

what he really means about luck but doesn't say, he's too tired to tell. you are lucky if you find what you are looking for the first time. not the sixth, not the seventh. the kind of luckiness that spins a globe and pinpoints a swirling mass that could be anywhere and say, "okay, i will go there and i can be happy."

[bothers]

tablo sighs. "oh.. no, i don't know.." half-drunk, he mutters in response to something he is asking himself.

he shakes his head and turns to jaejoong, "are you drunk? ...looking tired." he feels empty (like the dark night). food.. it's only 2AM, he thinks, can't be getting weak already. can't really think though, i'm drunk? it comes as a surprise to him, he's barely finished his beer.

neither of them are saying anything, and slowly, inevitably, microsleep after microsleep, tablo nods off, his hands tight around the bottle, gripping its smooth surface. "why can't i," he says, dreaming but not, knuckles turning white.

[flickre]

there are three things you learn about people at three in the morning (more, actually, if they're still awake,) but tablo isn't tonight and tonight jaejoong learns tablo snores, curls, and kicks like a motherfucker and it certainly hurts like one.

what a guy, he thinks, draping a flannel blanket over him. he plucks the bottle out of his hand and clears the table, wipes the ashes off. rearranges the little irises in the little vase and pushes it towards the center.

he hopes they will be the first thing tablo will see in the morning.

[flickre]

JAEJOONG: They always tell me not to do it, so I try not to. But since everybody does it, where did that leave me? I try not to, I really do. But sometimes I end up doing it anyway.

[bothers]

TABLO: I think you think too much. I mean, look at me, they call me a genius. But I don't think half as much as you. Can't you just not worry for a bit? Have you tried to not think? It's refreshing. Anyway, who says there has to be a reason?

[flickre]

JAEJOONG: But I have to think and it's always about the same thing. Do I look okay? Am I speaking loud enough? Are my responses appropriate? Sometimes I wish I don't have to do any of that, but I have to so I do think. About all these things.

[bothers]

TABLO: I guess those are the pains of being a popstar. Sorry, is that offensive, the word popstar? I just use it because I don't know another word that describes what you do. I guess fans pay a lot more attention to you. If I went on stage all messy and mismatched, the most people would say is 'oh, that's Tablo. He's making another statement.' Am I really that different?

[flickre]

JAEJOONG: ...should it be offensive? I never really thought about it that way. But even without fans I do the same things anyway. Now, does that make me calculating because I pay attention to what I do, or does that make you calculating because you pay attention to what other people do? Ha, I guess in the end maybe we're the same thing.

[bothers]

TABLO: If it's not offensive to you, it doesn't matter, right? It's just that a lot of people view popstars as very cheap and material. Can't say Korea's not like that, some bands are. But I think SM labels are all at least a little above that. You know how you hear about people who can't stand to be the same? And they're the ones who make statements? I didn't think of myself as one of them, but I seem to have fallen to fit the description. I was supposed to be original..