I bet no ones gonna read/comment on this.
The day
A banner of lights breaks into the room, five minutes before the alarm awakes
A cold when the blankets are removed
A concern that passes
A detail unnoticed by the next moment
A look at the clock
A memory of saying hello to an angel in a dream
A squint when the light bulbs switches on
A stop as the water turns warm, then hot
Afraid of the day in inarticulate ways
After the shower, the half dream will wash away
As incomplete as the ghost who still reaches for doorknobs
As I choose which clothes to wear
As I pack the bag for the day
Asking nothing in return
Assignments, astrology, asymmetry
At breakfast, zack eats pancakes three at a time
Attempting to be a good sibling, I ask about anne
Awestruck by love, or something like it, he answers with an unaccustomed sweetness
Back to the routine
Before the radio is turned off
Before the ride is over
Begin right here
Beginning to understand where hesitation comes from
Betrayal is in the air, my thoughts
Better not have to choose between safe and sorry
Biology is never a way to start the day
Blackboards are never black anymore
Blameless, Jacob slips me a not that says she’s being ridiculous
Borderline between sides
But we use to be friends
Cant be that simple
Capillaries are invisible to the eye
Catalog all the reason a relationship ends
Caught between those reasons is the truth I’ll never know
Certain there will never be certainties
Circle the following option
Circulation is what keeps us alive
Clamoring in the halls
Clutching to the hope of not seeing him, not being called out
Come here
Come over
Contradict me again and I will break your heart
Curvaceous ms. Gunderson presides over history
Daniel ask me if I’m doing okay
Daring me to explode
Deceptively, I smile
Despite all the thoughts that run through your head, you’re never really ready to let go, are you?
Distract me with the Prussian war, ms. Gunderson
Distract me with the way you brush back your bangs
Do whatever you have to do, I said to him
Drown in the word ANYTHING written on a desk
Duration is a relative thing
Early warning are never heeded
Easy to now that I should’ve known
End that line of speculation; go to gym
Even though we never made this walk together
Even though we weren’t that kind of pair
Even when I promised not to do this
Everything is missing right now.
Fashion your composure
Feel normal in your gym clothes
Field that birdie like such things matter
For another lover, no
For freedom, not really
For hundreds of minor infractions, perhaps
For seven months we were together
For the time being, there’s no way to know the reasons
Forget, forgone, forgotten
Fourteen of his are still in my locker
Gail is humming a hymn as she walks with her trinity into math class
Gentleness is a statement
Gestures are everything we need
Give it time, he said to me last night, as if a breakup was something you could leave out to dry
Go, I shouted, but what I meant was the opposite
Graph the coordinates, find the parabola
Group it all onto the page, even though it goes on forever
Growing up is hard to do
Have I seen the distance?
Have I seen the distance, could I have crossed it?
Halved, harmed, hard to say
Having enough had been enough
Him
Here is the place we’d meet for two minutes before the next bell
Here is the time we were the only ones left in the school and kissed by the light of the exit sign
Here is where we
Here is where we’re not
Hidden in the library for study hall, I try to think compositionally for my English homework
Hip to distress, james comes over to listen to whatever I have to say
His concern is as clear as my confusion
His pen doodles in my margin as I tell him
History often comes sooner then you think
Honestly, he said before saying it was over
Honing in on my vulnerability, me every fear
Hopefully, I tried to persuade him
Hopelessly, I tried to persuade him
Hours cannot measure what I feel
Housed inside me like a caged tiger
How strange if feels to talk about it
How was I planning to get though this alone?
I do not cry
I have had enough of that
I speak there words as a way of controlling them
Instead of telling me everything is okay
Instead of wallowing and saying like sucks
Instinctively james lets me release my story
It’s a way of releasing myself
It’s nearly time to go to lunch
It’s tempting to skip it
James asks me if I’m coming, ready to be company I keep
Jitters crescendo, but I close my blank homework and try to prepare for the worst
Jocks crowd the lunch line
Joking loudly
Jostling my tray
Jungle laws apply here
Just as I think I can do it, I see him at a new table
Jutting her attention into a fake conversation
Juvenile in her avoidance
Kat and daniel and sam are sitting at our usual table and I know the choice couldn’t have been an easy one
Keeping an eye on hi I try to restore some faith
Kidding myself that this victory wins the war
Kindness is clearly not the point
Kiss me one last time, is the sentence I will remember
Label me any way you want
Lace your disdain though every thought in this room
Ladder your reason until they reach the sky
Lament as loud as you can, I know you’re thinking of me
Landing right besides me at the table, james shifts the conversation to lighter things
Lantern lines of words to help me guide me away from him
Last night I couldn’t imagine this new reality
Late into the night I pictured it all falling apart
Laugh despite him
Laugh to spite him
Lean forward, listen to your friends
Leap if you have to
Learn that thinks will mend in a new way
Leaving my guard down has always been second nature to me
Lecturing myself to avoid looking at him
Led by curiosity, or desire, or sheer stupidity, I turn and lose
Left like there is no such thing as memory
Legs soon crowd between us
Lending me his English essay, james tells me to copy quick
Letting me twist his words my own way
Letting me work though the last minutes of his avoidance
Like we never even
Listening to my friends’ last assurance before the last bell rings
Little booster shots of self-esteem
Little prognostication of a better future
Little protest that he could be so unfair, so wrong
Locating mr. Feldman in the clutter of his art room, I warn him I will not be sculpting any goddesses today
Locking me in his star, he warns me paint neither red nor blue
Lone among my teachers, I think he understands
Looking through the resins and the pigments, I feel my senses’ slow return
Looping circles into patterns
Loosening the muscles that have been so sympathetic to my hurt
Losing the fear of touch
Losing the knowledge that I touched him, and look what happened
Loss takes as much as love does, sometimes more
Low voices still sat it was my fault
Lures of truth turns out to be hooks
Making circles
Making lines
Making meaningless meaning
Making signs not meant to be read
Many minutes pass, until mr. Feldman my spell by breathing the news that the period is over
Mapping my design with his fingers, he tells me I am blessed
Marvelous words in an offhand tone
Maybe that’s all I need
Me gusta no espanol, but I have to go to class anyways
Measuring my words too carefully, I make it through an oral quiz
Memories return to me in a pause that follows.
Merely two seats away, mary and pete wear necklaces they made for each other
Messy, this collection of recollections
Midway though a sentence, he would chew his necklace, and I would always buy him new beads
Mine remains on my neck, it hadn’t occurred to me to take it off
Miserable, misguided, misled
Missing him is not an option right now
Missing him seems to be a given
Mr. Randall is in a bad mood for English
My salvation is james, who sends an endless steam of notes my way
Never mentioning him by name, only as The Evil One
Newfound bitterness, humor in the hating
No, not hating
Notice how fickle feelings can be
Now I’m better, now I’m worse
Nowhere is it written how to deal with this
Only thirty more minutes
Over and over until its over
Papers are handed in
People look at me and I know they have heard
Perhaps they’ve heard her version
Pestering, pitiful, played out, possessive
Possibly they don’t believe her
Preparing to leave, james proposes an ice-cream-from-container afternoon
Probably I should take him up on it, but more then anything, I want sleep
Professing my true exhaustion, I tell him I’ll be okay
Profoundly sick at heart, but okay
Purposefully, I avoid the hallway where his locker resides
Pushing my gaze straight to the floor, I try to navigate until I must look up
Putting myself right in his path, right in his line of sight
Puzzled by what to do
Racing hear stops me
Raising my eyes to meet his…
Reacting as he looks right past me…
Realizing he is going to pretend I am not here
Reaping, rebuffing, redrawing, reflecting, regarding, regressing,
Rehearsing, reiteration, reliving, remembering, reopening, repaying
Repealing, replying, retracing, retreating, returning, revoking
Right at this moment, I cannot imagine it being any worse
Right here, I have been turning into nothing
Right now, I am negated
Right or wrong, I am pummeled by his theatrics
Riven to the spot, unable to call him on it
Robbed even of that
Roller coaster run smoother then my mind
Rope couldn’t pull me home faster
Row row row your boat, even as it sinks
Rude entertainment for everyone in the halls to see
Run to your locker
Run to your nearest friend and get a ride
Rush thought the conversation and try not to cry
Safe in my room
Searching that moment for the motivation I need
See, he is not worth it
See, he never loved you
See, there is no going back
Seesaw thought the haze
Sings out all the doubts you ever had
Singe the memories, because they are things that get lose I the fire
Sitting on the edge of my bed
Skipping to the ending
Slaying the tiger even as it claws
Sleeping calling me
Slowly, I give in to it
Somehow the knocking wakes me, hours later
Someone calling me to get ready for dinner
Something angry in her voice
Spare me one more fault, one more argument
Speak to me later, I plead silently
Special dispensation for the dumped
Spoken too soon
Starting wit my lateness, moving on to my afternoon nap and the paint left on the dining room table
Stepmothers and I have been though this so many times
Stifling my yell takes all my strength
Stupidly, zack comes in late, too, and gets his share of the earful
Substituting apologies for defiance, he brushes her off and looks at me carefully
Suddenly I realize he hadn’t heard until this afternoon
Suffering on my behalf, he draws he wrath away from me
Table conversation is cordial and strained
Taking food to stop my hunger is pointless
Tastes feels stranger in my mouth
Teach me how to see this years from now
Tear out the last stream
The answer is just go let go
The betrayal is to the past
The cocoon dandles empty
The desire outlasting the object
The effort lingers
The frustration is in how pointless the effort was
The ghost does not make itself transparent
The hear knows nothing except its own mind
The ideas are not enough
The jealous is always there
The killing blow is sometimes the softest
The life you lead can be detoured
The moment you know cannot be taken back
The new you will try to bury the old me
The opportunity has passed
The past is inopportune
The question all grow from why
The reality will always be contended
The sadness will ebb
The trouble is the time it might take
The ugly words cannot be erased, only discredited
The versions are never the same
The wonder is what we make it through
The x is the unknowns variable
The yesterday cannot be repeated
The zenith is the point when you look down and realize you’re no longer below
There is no sense in staying at the table
Thoughts can follow you anywhere
Turning the tv off, I hear back to my room
Tv only seems garish, fake
Under the covers, under the watch of my glow-in-the-dark starts
Up until this moment, I have held back from the edge
Veering away from the flashing-before-my-eyes
Votive darkness, though, draws the memories to me
Wading in, because I know I have to
We ate raspberries from each other’s hands
We carved our initials in benches, surrounded by a shape of out own invention
We danced around so many subjects; if I brought up love, she usually brought is down
We fell into each others arms as soon as no one else was in sight
We gave nothing that was irreplaceable, except time
We lit candles for each other when we were in different cities
We made fun of people together, to feel better about ourselves
We obsessed over the difference between what we meant and what we said
We ran out of things to say and watched videos instead
We screamed at what movie to see, being five minutes late
We were never honest with each other, not really
What’s gone is gone
When the night grown so quiet you could hear the moon rise, zack comes to my door
Whispering into the darkness
With careful steps entering
Withdrawing my solitude
Witnessing my arms crossed over my heart
X marks the spot
Years between us, but not that many
Years we’ve gone without this kind of conversation
Yesterday he couldn’t even tell something was wrong
Yet here he is, now
You know, he says, you’ll get through this
You live each day one at a time
You live everyday all at one
You live with the possibility of good-bye
You move on
You ponder in the darkness and see you’re not alone
You realize you never felt alone
You subtracted one from your life, that’s all
Your heart is not as broken as you think, he says
Zack tells me it wont be as hard tomorrow, and I know he’s right
Zero hours has passed