(no subject)
I don't know how I've managed to get my head out my ass long enough to even come back to LJ, but I managed it. Barely.
It's hard to do things on the verge of a breakdown, and it's really awful to know that I am, in fact,having a complete breakdown. This month has been proving so awful to my own mental and emotional state that almost every night I end up drinking and tonight is no different. The only true difference is the fact that my mental blockades against my family have crumbled to dust and I am left defenseless at the horrible and god awful things said to me.
It's just so much easier to find a way to mute out all the feelings then trying to find new ways to deal with it. So, I've turned into my dreaded family and begun drinking.
The only good thing that I can see, is that I'll be moving (hopefully) soon. With Nicole, and we both so badly need a healthy environment that we create one for each other whenever we're around. We're still looking around, but we hope to be out and moved by the end of May/beginning of June.
So, of course, you would imagine that I need to save money, and after seven months of working for Dunkins, that I would have at least some money saved up. Which I don't, due to cut hours (I have a 10/15 hour difference in my schedule now that I don't work nights anymore).
My depression has taken hold of everything and made it worse, and I'm so stressed out over everything in my life that I can't eat or sleep. And when it gets really bad, I start seeing things ad I would really like for that to stop, please.
But that is my life, at this point, a sad, drunken mess.
It's hard to do things on the verge of a breakdown, and it's really awful to know that I am, in fact,having a complete breakdown. This month has been proving so awful to my own mental and emotional state that almost every night I end up drinking and tonight is no different. The only true difference is the fact that my mental blockades against my family have crumbled to dust and I am left defenseless at the horrible and god awful things said to me.
It's just so much easier to find a way to mute out all the feelings then trying to find new ways to deal with it. So, I've turned into my dreaded family and begun drinking.
The only good thing that I can see, is that I'll be moving (hopefully) soon. With Nicole, and we both so badly need a healthy environment that we create one for each other whenever we're around. We're still looking around, but we hope to be out and moved by the end of May/beginning of June.
So, of course, you would imagine that I need to save money, and after seven months of working for Dunkins, that I would have at least some money saved up. Which I don't, due to cut hours (I have a 10/15 hour difference in my schedule now that I don't work nights anymore).
My depression has taken hold of everything and made it worse, and I'm so stressed out over everything in my life that I can't eat or sleep. And when it gets really bad, I start seeing things ad I would really like for that to stop, please.
But that is my life, at this point, a sad, drunken mess.