LJ Idol Topic 3: Smile

[brand0new0day]

I fell in love with that crooked little grin.

Oh, sure, I fell in love with all kinds of things back then. I was in love with my English teacher because I liked the way his voice rolled around the room and I liked the way his glasses made his face look serious. I was in love with various gay men because they actually took the time to listen to me

Comments

[brand0new0day]

I really wanted to write about something happier than this but I couldn't do it - I started writing this three different times with more "smiley" themes and it kept coming back to him.

Actually, it feels pretty good to get it all out on paper like this.

[cacophonesque]

This: My mouthpiece is in his mouth. My pearls are being caressed by his talented fingers. My instrument is being raped.
is an awesome passage. It's so stark and shocking and powerful.

Also, I don't think that holding back information makes you a bad writer. One of my favorite things about James Joyce's short stories in Dubliners is how he doesn't say everything. He intentionally leaves things unsaid and leaves his readers to fill in the blanks.

Not sure if you want constructive criticism, but I actually think that if you just eliminated the bits about not being able to talk about it and just left it as "Then Something Happened." It might make the piece stronger. Your audience will draw their conclusions without you explicitly instructing them to do so.

Overall, it's really well done. I like the way that you move between memory and analysis/reflection.

[brand0new0day]

For me, I think leaving that part in is important, because I wrote this as a stream of consciousness and that would interrupt the flow, I think.

Thank you!

[cacophonesque]

Your consciousness stream is far more coherent than mine! I was reading it as a much more formal piece.

[kutiechick]

Oh. my. goodness. This was beautiful and heartbreaking and heartwarming. Such a wonderful write-up, and agreed with the comment above - your stream-of-consciousness is pretty coherent. :D

[brand0new0day]

I had absolutely no plan when I went into this. I was like, hmm. Smile. What does that remind me of? And this was the answer. Everything just flowed.

That's how I roll most of the time! It really writes better that way for me.

Thanks for reading. :)

[faerie_spark]

Wow, this is quite a story. It starts in such a charming way, and ends up being deeper than I could have imagined. I can relate to loving (or at least being attracted) to someone even after the meanness comes out. I was a few years younger than you were when it happened to me, so it didn't play out in nearly the same way. Perhaps it wouldn't have, but...

There's so much pathos and insight in this.

And yes, you are a good writer. Sometimes the things not said are as powerful at the things said.

I particularly liked this sequence of sentences:

He hands it back to me, not bothering to wipe where his lips and mouth have just been. He smiles at me, his little Miles smile that always makes me melt,
and I want to kill him.

I also want to kiss him.

[brand0new0day]

I tried to use this entry to get out all my remaining feelings for him so I could finally, finally be rid of this foolishness. That's probably where most of the emotion in it came from.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Thanks for reading.

[playmoby]

Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us..... It was a wonderful read, and reminded me of my high school lust.....

[brand0new0day]

It's not as personal now as it was when it was happening. I can almost look back on it and see that it was another "me" that went through this. I've changed a lot since then. I'm glad you enjoyed it!