(Untitled)

[brandonfeld]

This is how he died

Comments

[brandonfeld]

"all were rendered spotless" does that sound good. Does it even work?

[ryanstrong]

It definitely works, but it might sound better with an adjective or two. Sounds a little stiff.

All were perfectly, obsessively spotless.

[alexsnapp]

"Then Edward grabbed the vacuum out of the closet, vacuumed every room, took the trash out and then..."

Sounds a little rushed or something.

[brandonfeld]

It is supposed to sound curt and with out emotion because the character that is narrating it is suffering from shock PTSD.

[alexsnapp]

that's not what I was talking about. dude why do we just talk. we live together.