September 28 -- Couldn't feel so I tried to touch.

[branetalking]

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Dear Diary,

More days in Darkshire and still nothing has happened. Nothing except rain, glorious rain. I never hated it before, but I really love it now--the way it feels on my bare skin, like it's washing away all of the bad memories and all of the ill. It's glorious and cold and makes me feel strong. Oliver and I spent about twenty minutes sitting on a roof in the rain a few nights ago, and if Oliver hadn't been so miserable, I could've stayed out there forever. It was like I could feel the sand and grime and sun washing off of my skin, like I was clean.

I've been wondering about these scars for some time, why they're harder to cope with than the ones I've received in battle, and Oliver suggested something profound to me. He suggested that it's because I wish that week had never happened. And he's not wrong. I hated being the victim. It's just like with Mystadon, only with more scars. I wish I could erase that ever happening from my skin.

"The skin around those scars is young and beautiful" is what Oliver said, and he said that I wasn't old enough yet to have that sort of careworn brokenness. And I think that's true. I don't want to be any older than I am, I don't want to be a woman with fifty years of history. I want to be the age that I am, but I can't be. I've seen too much.

Meanwhile, Oliver still has some residual addiction to Zeal. And I've realized that even though watching Oliver go through that hell and go through the addiction was difficult, I realized that what hurt me even more was that despite her horrible methods, she was able to give Oliver something that I couldn't give him. Even though it only lasted five hours and came at a terrible cost, she brought him back to life, and I can't do that. I don't know how, or even if I can, though Light, if I could...

Maybe someday I will.

It's strange interacting with the Sigil, still. It's good to have Marius back, but many times, I find myself reflecting on the Sigil I first knew--Liotuse, Rosalinde, Strahm (yes, even Strahm), Heliorn, Fiorna, Arubrey, Dyna. There was an ease about them that doesn't seem to be as in place in the Sigil now... though maybe that's because I don't live, sleep, eat, and breathe with them all the time. It's still very strange.

I worry. I worry about closeness with these people. I've been thinking about Ziichi lately, how she's apparently somehow aged herself what looks like ten or so years, and all of her scars are gone. She's... she is harder for me to talk to now than before, and I'm not sure why. I think I'm afraid that she hates me, though I'm not sure why that should matter, but it does. The last time we really spoke at length, she called me an ingrate because I didn't want to lose my family to the Delahan Division immediately after returning from Silithus. That and... well. That group was a bit ridiculous anyway, from what I hear.

I'm more afraid of her hating me for the way I've basically given up mothering Dizzy. I hate to admit it, but I have. It's too heavy for me, and I hate it. I hate myself for giving up, but I think it's for the best for all of us--Dizzy's in an environment where she can receive the care and protection she needs, and Oliver and I don't have to be afraid of losing her again. But I'm afraid of Ziichi finding out. I don't want to hear it from her and Marius and everyone about not giving up. I'm tired. I'm tired.

Ultimately, I think that's why I hide and why I've put on this mask and this facade. I don't want to explain it all. I don't want to hear people's disapproval and I don't want to hear them say that I'm doing it wrong. I just want to try and do my best and pray that it's good enough.

Oliver and I made love last night, out above a waterfall in Duskwood. We made love under a canopy of stars and fireflies, and it reminded me that he somehow keeps me believing in fairy tales, even though life's suggested to me that there are no fairy godmothers or glass slippers. I can be my own fairy godmother, at least in our minds, and my boots are far sturdier than slippers anyway.

He was the one who opened the bond all the way last night. I'll never be used to the wholeness that comes with that. One minute, we were two, and the next, we were just one. And I love that. I love it.

I love him.

-S.