He is Not Alone
Summary: The cluster comforts Will through his grief, set after Season 2, Episode 9
Will could be anywhere, though some part of him knows he is in a squat somewhere in Europe. It doesn’t matter. He isn’t really there. He’s in Chicago, back in the past, lost in memories. It is the only place his dad exists now.
He sleeps fitfully, reaching out in his sleep for someone who is no longer there. There is no one there.
‘Dad, come back, please. Dad! Don’t go, dad!’
Riley is far away but she reaches for him. Her hands are gentle as she smooths them through his hair. Her touch is soft, loving like a mother soothing his nightmares away.
‘You’re not alone,’ she whispers. ‘I’m here.’
She kisses him, softly and sweetly on the lips. ‘Sleep now, sleep elsken min. We’re all here.’
He feels himself sink deeper into sleep. She sings to him, the words so soft he cannot hear them. The sweet melody lulls him to sleep.
He wakes to silence but not emptiness. Someone is there with him. He can feel a calm, capable presence.
Kala takes his hand in a firm but gentle grip. ‘You need to look after yourself, take your medicine and eat properly.’
He looks at her and there is compassion in her warm brown eyes. ‘It’s not your fault. It just happened.’
He can’t say anything. He just holds onto her hand and tries to hold back his tears.
‘You can cry if you want,’ says Sun, impassively.
Will looks at her. Her face is expressionless but Will can feel her concern. She lies down beside him. ‘It will help.’
He closes his eyes, feeling the tears leak down his cheeks. She holds him tightly and it grounds him a little.
‘I wish I could have fixed things between us,’ he says.
‘You know he loved you and he knew you loved him. That is all that matters.’
Sun’s calm presence soothes him; sleep claims him again.
When he wakes, someone is holding his hand. It is dark but he sees skin as pale as his own. He looks up into Nomi’s face. Her blue eyes are full of love.
‘I can’t say I understand what you’re going through but you’re not alone. We’re all here with you.’
Will knows this, that they’re all there, but it doesn’t fix things.
‘I know,’ she says. ‘It doesn’t make it better. When you’re going through something, nobody can say anything to magically fix it.’
‘Then what can I do?’
‘You’ve got to keep on fighting, keep going. It’ll take time but things will get easier every day if you just keep fighting.’
Her strength flows through her hand and into him. She doesn’t know how to throw a punch but she fights every day. He has to keep fighting too.
But he misses his dad so much he aches. He reaches for him but he isn’t there. He will never be there again.
‘I know you miss him,’ says Capheus from the edge of the bed. ‘I miss my father every day.’
‘Every second,’ gasps Will. ‘I miss him so much I can’t breathe.’
Capheus’s gentle brown eyes are full of understanding. He puts his arm around Will’s shoulder. ‘You will always miss him but in time it will not hurt so much.’ He pats Will on the chest, over his heart. ‘He will always be with you in your heart.’
He can see his dad, young and smiling in his police uniform; before the drinking got so bad; when things weren’t so broken; when they still played catch in the yard. Can he hold onto that? Can he keep that in his heart?
He thinks he might have slept but now he’s awake again and staring into the darkness. Time means nothing. There is only him and his grief. He must keep his dad alive in his mind, in his memory, like Sarah, like Angelica. But he’s slipping away. Instead of that golden picture of youth and happiness, flashes of that cold, white hospital room invade his mind.
Sobs choke his throat and he tries desperately to control himself. Warm arms go around him, holding him close. A soft mouth kisses his cheek, kissing away his tears.
Will turns to Lito, who gathers him up. Neither of them speak, just hold onto each other. Lito scatters kisses across Will’s face and shoulders. Will lets himself go to the love and affection being shown to him. He is sobbing, even as the warmth of Lito blankets him.
Lito murmurs comforting sounds as he kisses Will, rocking him in his strong arms. A warm hand caresses his waist, sliding over his hip and pulling him closer.
The comfort of touch and sex merge together, inseverable in his mind. Lito is there, letting him lose his pain in mindless pleasure.
But then it is over and Will cannot bear company anymore. He needs to be alone. He pushes Lito away, turning over in his bed and away from them all.
He lies there, listening to the silence. They have left him alone now and that’s fine with him. They cannot help. They don’t understand.
Time stretches on. Nights pass into days and back into nights. His cluster come to him but he ignores them, lying endlessly awake in his bed with only his own grief as a companion.
He is lonely but he cannot ask for help. He doesn’t know how.
He feels someone there and he looks up to see Wolfgang looking down at him. He doesn’t have any words to say. He turns away, willing the German to disappear.
Wolfgang doesn’t leave. ‘How long are you going to sulk in bed for then?’
‘I’m not sulking,’ says Will, stubbornly.
‘Sure you’re not,’ says Wolfgang. He says nothing more but climbs into bed beside Will and grasps him in a fierce hold.
‘Sleep now,’ he says and there is no room for argument in his voice.
But his hand is gentle as he strokes Will’s forearm and his mouth is soft as he drops a kiss onto the back of Will’s neck.
Will closes his eyes and finds Wolfgang’s hand. They lace their fingers together and Will lets his touch focus him. For the first time in days, he falls into a restful sleep. He is not alone. They are all with him. His whole cluster is with him.
He is not alone.