Yeah...this is long as hell
So, I don't even know why I'm posting here 'cause I haven't done it in forever and I don't even kno who even uses this thing anymore, bt I didn't wanna post on myspace 'cause, well...I dunno, I just don't want to.
I'm angry and upset and depressed all over again and I'm depressed more 'cause I'm depressed. -_-
Probably 'cause I just feel all lonely, which is furthered because my mom is out of town, so the house is all quiet. I realize he was a total shit to me and I should still be angry and stuff and I totally am, but goddamit... I'm at a loss as to why I'm sad. I should be gleefull, but I guess the whole being with someone for 2 years kinda makes you attached a bit... I usually just brush this off, bt tonight it's just...there, lingering and I can't get away from it. I think I'm mostly angry 'cause he still has no fucking clue -why- I'm angry at him...and as much as I want to make him understand...I know it doesn't matter and it's over and I'm better for it, but it doesn't feel like it right now. It just stings.
And what's ridiculously worse, I thought I was like, at least 99% over it. Guess I'm better at burying than I thought. I thought about the actual title of "girlfriend and boyfried" just in general and almost had a panic attack. I mean, that happened before but I tought I was okay and I'm not and it sucks 'cause I'm Juliana and I'm supposed to be strong and able to take anything head on and keep on walking without a second thought. Punch to the jaw hurts worse than I thought... I don't even know -how- to be a girlfriend anymore...I don't think I even really did, but thinking about it, I'm like 'wtf'. I need far more time than I thought. I've heard that it takes half the time you dated a person to get over them. In other words, it technically should take a year for me to get over the impostor...it's been, 7 months since I've seen him, like, at very least 6 months since we've been any sort of together, and a few days since we talked....so whatever. Still got a bit to go anyway you look at it...which I don't think anyone can really set a time limit, but heh, clearly I haven't reached it.
I'm so pissed and disappointed in myself I can't even begin to describe. I should be stronger...I want to be stronger...instead I'm just a stupid silly girl. I don't care if it's a 'normal reaction'. I don't want to have it. If someone treats me like shit, I should be angry and not like them. I've made this fucking mistake TWICE now...I'm at the "shame on me" part. I don't want to make the blanket statement "men suck" 'cause I know there are some great guys out there 'cause I'm friends with some, but that's all that's running through my mind right now. Of course, a whole lot of women are bitches too... Like I said before, I guess just relationships and love suck in general sometimes. It's easy to say that the pain is worth it to feel real love, but when you're on this side of it...kinda lose a little faith.
I'm not exactly scared of being alone for the rest of my life, but it would suck. I don't want to die alone and forgotten...but that's getting way ahead of where my life will hopefully take me, which I struggle with to have faith in too. Yeah, I'm in college but I don't really have any idea where I'm going. I'll see when I get there ::shrug:: Fuck if I'm working an "Einstein's" type of job for the rest of my life. But jobs aren't what's bothering me. I just feel like crap...tomorrow I'll be better and probably back to happy Juju...but right now I just feel terrible. Not crying though...over that whole thing, at least for now. He's 'not worth my tears' or whatever they say. Which is true, but hey, shit happens.
I'm ranting...probably incoherently and probably about shit you all don't want to hear...but then you would've stopped reading by now...and I really don't give a shit either way. Too lazy and uncaring to make it 'friends only' or 'private' :;shrug:: I hate myself for feeling like this. Such a frikin emo rant, but I gotta get it out. Well, not emo 'cause I don't want to kill myself. I'm no coward, I can at least say that for myself...Ugh...I really really need to get fucking plastered. It won't really help but goddamn I'll feel better when I'm in that state...as long as I dont' act like a fucking retard like I've done before. Ew...anyway, like I said, stupid silly me. I should shut up...but if i don't keep going, there will be no sleep and lord knows I need it. Fucking work...I need a night job...but I'm to lazy to start anew, but I need to to save up and move out again.
I need to punch something...or get punched hard. I don't care. I just need something physical to knock me back to the old me. I liked how I was. I was awesome...I'm still fuckin' awesome, but a more jaded awesome, which I don't want to be. I hate not trusting people...but I don't. I may act all nice on the outside to everyone, but I'm a cynical bitch in my head (except to my friends, 'cause I know all of you). I don't want to be that psycho older woman who's like "Don't trust men, rawr. They'll rip your heart out"...ew. Apocalypto was a good movie...random, hearts......I should start playing KH again... Anyway, yeah. Grawr...I wish I had something interesting to do in WoW so I could go maim Horde. Warsong Gulch is too boring...and I need that whole sleep thing...but I don't want to. H8 nightmares. Had the fucking weirdest one but it scared the SHIT out of me a few nights ago...Freaking ghosts and hell and monsters and burning. Maybe it was a vision of my future...ooo, scary -_- Fuck, I'm so off. Again with the needing a drink...or 15. I should go to Cambier...laying out there always makes me feel better...but to cold...and I'm lazy tonight. I haven't typed this much in fucking forever especially with detail. Weird...and stupid. I should lj-cut this...maybe I will. Not done yet. My little kitty icon looks so sad...makes me sadder in a sickly amused sort of way and that makes to sense. I should just take a bat to my own head and sleep for a few days...but problems don't go away with sleep. I've learned that. Gotta face them and all that self-help bullshit. i don't like facing anything, I'm such a pansy sometimes. I'd rather just let my life get worse and worse if it means avoiding confrontation. Hell, just look at where I am now and how I got here. Fucking men...well, one man........boy, really. Little immature fuck that I was stuck with because I was an immature girl that fell for pretty words and false promises. I am such a girl sometimes...hate. I guess it's good, 'cause I dont' wanna be like, one of those weird people that like, are "born the wrong sex" or whatever. 'cause then I'd be gay too...which is fine, like to be gay, but I'd rather not have ALL of my family hate me. Too much hastle.
I talk way to much. I apologize again. Of course, by apologizing, i just write more and feel worse. And then, on cue...the song that he sang to me on our 3 month comes on...I don't know why I have it (Fields of Gold by Sting)...it's such a beautiful song, but I almost hate it because it reminds me of false promises...but I sit here and listen...and try to remember the good times, which there were...For awhile it was wonderful, then I was the only one making any sort of effort, and it died like an underwatered plant...wrinkled and ugly. Wow, deep...except for the part where it's totally corny, but that's what I thought, so that's what I wrote. I really do want to stop typing, but I am feeling slightly better...so please put up with me. Take this as all the posts I would've done over the past year I haven't written. haha. Seriously though, how was I so stupid that I thought it'd work? Ugh, it doens't matter, Juliana. It's over and it should be burnt and destroed...but yet, there it is in the lost corner of the attic, coming out at random, lonely times...like now.
I have issues...like bad. Like, should be seeing a shrink, bad. But I would never open up to them...I can't. No trust. Can't talk to someone you don't trust. Besides, all this is nothing that I can't bury for a few months, have a mental breakdown, get over it, start again thing....like always. Nah, I don't have many breakdowns. I think the real real last one was when the impostor left and I felt like dying. Even when he dropped me, I wasn't exactly surprised. It hurt like hell, but it wasn't exactly out of nowhere. Distance does things...bad things. Makes the heart hard. Mine should stay hard...protect me from all this again. But it won't. I'll care again, and put my all into a relationship again, then get burnt again....'cause I'm a stupid silly girl. ...I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I know I'm better than this, but it's hard to see it right now. UGH! Fuck, I hate my life sometimes.
But like I said....you all will be returned to your regularly scheduled Juju by morning and this all seem like a bad dream...This is where I stop...Not done, but my hands hurt and that fucking work thing is in a few hours...goodnight all....
I'm angry and upset and depressed all over again and I'm depressed more 'cause I'm depressed. -_-
Probably 'cause I just feel all lonely, which is furthered because my mom is out of town, so the house is all quiet. I realize he was a total shit to me and I should still be angry and stuff and I totally am, but goddamit... I'm at a loss as to why I'm sad. I should be gleefull, but I guess the whole being with someone for 2 years kinda makes you attached a bit... I usually just brush this off, bt tonight it's just...there, lingering and I can't get away from it. I think I'm mostly angry 'cause he still has no fucking clue -why- I'm angry at him...and as much as I want to make him understand...I know it doesn't matter and it's over and I'm better for it, but it doesn't feel like it right now. It just stings.
And what's ridiculously worse, I thought I was like, at least 99% over it. Guess I'm better at burying than I thought. I thought about the actual title of "girlfriend and boyfried" just in general and almost had a panic attack. I mean, that happened before but I tought I was okay and I'm not and it sucks 'cause I'm Juliana and I'm supposed to be strong and able to take anything head on and keep on walking without a second thought. Punch to the jaw hurts worse than I thought... I don't even know -how- to be a girlfriend anymore...I don't think I even really did, but thinking about it, I'm like 'wtf'. I need far more time than I thought. I've heard that it takes half the time you dated a person to get over them. In other words, it technically should take a year for me to get over the impostor...it's been, 7 months since I've seen him, like, at very least 6 months since we've been any sort of together, and a few days since we talked....so whatever. Still got a bit to go anyway you look at it...which I don't think anyone can really set a time limit, but heh, clearly I haven't reached it.
I'm so pissed and disappointed in myself I can't even begin to describe. I should be stronger...I want to be stronger...instead I'm just a stupid silly girl. I don't care if it's a 'normal reaction'. I don't want to have it. If someone treats me like shit, I should be angry and not like them. I've made this fucking mistake TWICE now...I'm at the "shame on me" part. I don't want to make the blanket statement "men suck" 'cause I know there are some great guys out there 'cause I'm friends with some, but that's all that's running through my mind right now. Of course, a whole lot of women are bitches too... Like I said before, I guess just relationships and love suck in general sometimes. It's easy to say that the pain is worth it to feel real love, but when you're on this side of it...kinda lose a little faith.
I'm not exactly scared of being alone for the rest of my life, but it would suck. I don't want to die alone and forgotten...but that's getting way ahead of where my life will hopefully take me, which I struggle with to have faith in too. Yeah, I'm in college but I don't really have any idea where I'm going. I'll see when I get there ::shrug:: Fuck if I'm working an "Einstein's" type of job for the rest of my life. But jobs aren't what's bothering me. I just feel like crap...tomorrow I'll be better and probably back to happy Juju...but right now I just feel terrible. Not crying though...over that whole thing, at least for now. He's 'not worth my tears' or whatever they say. Which is true, but hey, shit happens.
I'm ranting...probably incoherently and probably about shit you all don't want to hear...but then you would've stopped reading by now...and I really don't give a shit either way. Too lazy and uncaring to make it 'friends only' or 'private' :;shrug:: I hate myself for feeling like this. Such a frikin emo rant, but I gotta get it out. Well, not emo 'cause I don't want to kill myself. I'm no coward, I can at least say that for myself...Ugh...I really really need to get fucking plastered. It won't really help but goddamn I'll feel better when I'm in that state...as long as I dont' act like a fucking retard like I've done before. Ew...anyway, like I said, stupid silly me. I should shut up...but if i don't keep going, there will be no sleep and lord knows I need it. Fucking work...I need a night job...but I'm to lazy to start anew, but I need to to save up and move out again.
I need to punch something...or get punched hard. I don't care. I just need something physical to knock me back to the old me. I liked how I was. I was awesome...I'm still fuckin' awesome, but a more jaded awesome, which I don't want to be. I hate not trusting people...but I don't. I may act all nice on the outside to everyone, but I'm a cynical bitch in my head (except to my friends, 'cause I know all of you). I don't want to be that psycho older woman who's like "Don't trust men, rawr. They'll rip your heart out"...ew. Apocalypto was a good movie...random, hearts......I should start playing KH again... Anyway, yeah. Grawr...I wish I had something interesting to do in WoW so I could go maim Horde. Warsong Gulch is too boring...and I need that whole sleep thing...but I don't want to. H8 nightmares. Had the fucking weirdest one but it scared the SHIT out of me a few nights ago...Freaking ghosts and hell and monsters and burning. Maybe it was a vision of my future...ooo, scary -_- Fuck, I'm so off. Again with the needing a drink...or 15. I should go to Cambier...laying out there always makes me feel better...but to cold...and I'm lazy tonight. I haven't typed this much in fucking forever especially with detail. Weird...and stupid. I should lj-cut this...maybe I will. Not done yet. My little kitty icon looks so sad...makes me sadder in a sickly amused sort of way and that makes to sense. I should just take a bat to my own head and sleep for a few days...but problems don't go away with sleep. I've learned that. Gotta face them and all that self-help bullshit. i don't like facing anything, I'm such a pansy sometimes. I'd rather just let my life get worse and worse if it means avoiding confrontation. Hell, just look at where I am now and how I got here. Fucking men...well, one man........boy, really. Little immature fuck that I was stuck with because I was an immature girl that fell for pretty words and false promises. I am such a girl sometimes...hate. I guess it's good, 'cause I dont' wanna be like, one of those weird people that like, are "born the wrong sex" or whatever. 'cause then I'd be gay too...which is fine, like to be gay, but I'd rather not have ALL of my family hate me. Too much hastle.
I talk way to much. I apologize again. Of course, by apologizing, i just write more and feel worse. And then, on cue...the song that he sang to me on our 3 month comes on...I don't know why I have it (Fields of Gold by Sting)...it's such a beautiful song, but I almost hate it because it reminds me of false promises...but I sit here and listen...and try to remember the good times, which there were...For awhile it was wonderful, then I was the only one making any sort of effort, and it died like an underwatered plant...wrinkled and ugly. Wow, deep...except for the part where it's totally corny, but that's what I thought, so that's what I wrote. I really do want to stop typing, but I am feeling slightly better...so please put up with me. Take this as all the posts I would've done over the past year I haven't written. haha. Seriously though, how was I so stupid that I thought it'd work? Ugh, it doens't matter, Juliana. It's over and it should be burnt and destroed...but yet, there it is in the lost corner of the attic, coming out at random, lonely times...like now.
I have issues...like bad. Like, should be seeing a shrink, bad. But I would never open up to them...I can't. No trust. Can't talk to someone you don't trust. Besides, all this is nothing that I can't bury for a few months, have a mental breakdown, get over it, start again thing....like always. Nah, I don't have many breakdowns. I think the real real last one was when the impostor left and I felt like dying. Even when he dropped me, I wasn't exactly surprised. It hurt like hell, but it wasn't exactly out of nowhere. Distance does things...bad things. Makes the heart hard. Mine should stay hard...protect me from all this again. But it won't. I'll care again, and put my all into a relationship again, then get burnt again....'cause I'm a stupid silly girl. ...I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I know I'm better than this, but it's hard to see it right now. UGH! Fuck, I hate my life sometimes.
But like I said....you all will be returned to your regularly scheduled Juju by morning and this all seem like a bad dream...This is where I stop...Not done, but my hands hurt and that fucking work thing is in a few hours...goodnight all....