(no subject)
i was a good mood and i realized how long it was so yeah i put an ljcut for u takes up to much friend space people...so yeah there ya go.
<3
ok...well today is tuesday and i thought i would update because ive been thinking about some things. ok saturday was abbey youth..didnt make me get "in touch with my faith", it just made me miss Blue Ridge even more. but yeah otherwise it was great, i mean it had great people great speakers. i spent that day thinking long and hard about what my faith is and was and etc. some comments of the first speaker affended me but thats life eh? i just have to keep remembering that blue ridge will make life soo much better haha. i love that place, it is my life, my best friend, my love...my home...but yeah at abbey it just amazes me the amount of trust and faith someone has in this so called "God" to just raise their hands and sing and praise him like theres no tomorrow. i watched them in awe and just admiration because i can only wish to come to trust and love someone that much. especially someone who i can not see or touch. i admire them that they can just put their heart out there and just trust this god to save and protect them. i wish that maybe after blue ridge i will regain my faith and i will be at a better state in my life. i also find that really inspiration christian music help me in realizing that there is someone out there wanting to love me and that they will never let me go and never let me down. i just have to overcome my fear of trusting others and give him my heart. but i guess im scared and im just scared to get hurt or turned away of some sort. idk. but i really needed to get that off my chest. woo. but yeah while on the subject of trust. i ave realized that i can not trust anyone anymore. i am jsut scared to trust anyone for the fear of rejection and of him leaving me ALONE. Alone, is one word that i do not use much. i hate it. somedays i just want to cry because i feel that i cant open up or more along the lines i dont know how and i feel that im losing. im going through much with the divorce being finalized and the fact that i will be at differnt homes each week to each month scares me yet also sets an adventure for me. but lately i have been shutting myslef away from others. and i dont know why and all everyone does is tell me u need to talk..talk to me..and etc. but i dont know how, or maybe im just scared that youll leave me, the only one that has ever loved me and made me feel as special as i am. im scared and because of this im losing a part of you. our relationship is nothing but spectacular but because of my flaw our communication is only consisting of the three words i dont know...and whatever just forget it...i think on the inside im crying out for that help but i dont know how to reach inside and let myself get help and trust others with my feelings. even my own mother tells me that i need to "let people into my life"...but how do i know that they wont break my heart. ive been hurt to many times. i create walls now to where no one can get in and now my family is considered about my health. my parents have decided that i need to talk to a social worker about the divorce. i dont want to go, im tired of crying. people say its good to cry, not when after 4 hours of crying ur eyes are so puffy that u can barely see. im tired of that, yes i do admit i need a good cry every once in awhile but i hate crying about the divorce. ive become a statistic and i have to overcome it. even though its taking me down with it day by day second by second. im tired of people who have no stature or right to ask me questions about my parents divorce...to tell the truth i dont know why they are..i dont know if they are getting back together..i dont know...i feel that that is their decision and i was raised not to sit there and ask ask ask until i get the answer i want. i just know that they are filing after the 6 months are up and that my mother hates my father with a passion. but isnt that how most divorces end of the sort? oh well another statistic, another question, another fight...right now i havent decided who im going to live with, i cant stay here with my mother but everything that is mine is here in my room and my room has been my heaven for the past 7 years. there are advantages and disadvantages of living with the mother and father---mother and me fight constantly but my room is here, father is never home always working more time to blare music and dance around the house:), but he is not to big on the going out with the boyfriend and etc...so yeah i havent made up my mind...i think im just going to switch up each month with each other. butyeah. i never thought that i would ever feel that i could never tell jordan something but i did but then he found out and we talked and we talkd and i have never felt anymore comfrontable talking with anyone except for one other and he knos who he is:).but i was jsut really happy and he even asked me why i didnt come to him first and i told him i was scared and he told me that he was always going to be there for me no matter what the situation and believe me if he could be there for me in this one he could be there for me anytime. so yeah i love him, i would die and have a nervous breakdown everyday if it werent for our closeness as brother and sister also best friends. ok well i really needed to get all that out sorry<3
<3
ok...well today is tuesday and i thought i would update because ive been thinking about some things. ok saturday was abbey youth..didnt make me get "in touch with my faith", it just made me miss Blue Ridge even more. but yeah otherwise it was great, i mean it had great people great speakers. i spent that day thinking long and hard about what my faith is and was and etc. some comments of the first speaker affended me but thats life eh? i just have to keep remembering that blue ridge will make life soo much better haha. i love that place, it is my life, my best friend, my love...my home...but yeah at abbey it just amazes me the amount of trust and faith someone has in this so called "God" to just raise their hands and sing and praise him like theres no tomorrow. i watched them in awe and just admiration because i can only wish to come to trust and love someone that much. especially someone who i can not see or touch. i admire them that they can just put their heart out there and just trust this god to save and protect them. i wish that maybe after blue ridge i will regain my faith and i will be at a better state in my life. i also find that really inspiration christian music help me in realizing that there is someone out there wanting to love me and that they will never let me go and never let me down. i just have to overcome my fear of trusting others and give him my heart. but i guess im scared and im just scared to get hurt or turned away of some sort. idk. but i really needed to get that off my chest. woo. but yeah while on the subject of trust. i ave realized that i can not trust anyone anymore. i am jsut scared to trust anyone for the fear of rejection and of him leaving me ALONE. Alone, is one word that i do not use much. i hate it. somedays i just want to cry because i feel that i cant open up or more along the lines i dont know how and i feel that im losing. im going through much with the divorce being finalized and the fact that i will be at differnt homes each week to each month scares me yet also sets an adventure for me. but lately i have been shutting myslef away from others. and i dont know why and all everyone does is tell me u need to talk..talk to me..and etc. but i dont know how, or maybe im just scared that youll leave me, the only one that has ever loved me and made me feel as special as i am. im scared and because of this im losing a part of you. our relationship is nothing but spectacular but because of my flaw our communication is only consisting of the three words i dont know...and whatever just forget it...i think on the inside im crying out for that help but i dont know how to reach inside and let myself get help and trust others with my feelings. even my own mother tells me that i need to "let people into my life"...but how do i know that they wont break my heart. ive been hurt to many times. i create walls now to where no one can get in and now my family is considered about my health. my parents have decided that i need to talk to a social worker about the divorce. i dont want to go, im tired of crying. people say its good to cry, not when after 4 hours of crying ur eyes are so puffy that u can barely see. im tired of that, yes i do admit i need a good cry every once in awhile but i hate crying about the divorce. ive become a statistic and i have to overcome it. even though its taking me down with it day by day second by second. im tired of people who have no stature or right to ask me questions about my parents divorce...to tell the truth i dont know why they are..i dont know if they are getting back together..i dont know...i feel that that is their decision and i was raised not to sit there and ask ask ask until i get the answer i want. i just know that they are filing after the 6 months are up and that my mother hates my father with a passion. but isnt that how most divorces end of the sort? oh well another statistic, another question, another fight...right now i havent decided who im going to live with, i cant stay here with my mother but everything that is mine is here in my room and my room has been my heaven for the past 7 years. there are advantages and disadvantages of living with the mother and father---mother and me fight constantly but my room is here, father is never home always working more time to blare music and dance around the house:), but he is not to big on the going out with the boyfriend and etc...so yeah i havent made up my mind...i think im just going to switch up each month with each other. butyeah. i never thought that i would ever feel that i could never tell jordan something but i did but then he found out and we talked and we talkd and i have never felt anymore comfrontable talking with anyone except for one other and he knos who he is:).but i was jsut really happy and he even asked me why i didnt come to him first and i told him i was scared and he told me that he was always going to be there for me no matter what the situation and believe me if he could be there for me in this one he could be there for me anytime. so yeah i love him, i would die and have a nervous breakdown everyday if it werent for our closeness as brother and sister also best friends. ok well i really needed to get all that out sorry<3