Do you remember when you loved me? Or is it all just fading, because I can't be a perfect anything
My hand is fishing through a bag of peanut butter m&m's and all I want to do right now if have a huge pity party. I'm feeling a bit down.
I am trying my best to eliminate the people from my life who make me feel badly about myself, but what good is it going to do when I have to live every day under the same roof as people who go out of their way to bring down my self-esteem?
thank you father for pointing out that I wear too much makeup, and thank you step-mother for saying that I look like a container of powder that people dip puffs into, and thank you father for proceeding to run your finger across my face and onto my dark shirt.
I wouldn't wear makeup if I wasn't trying to hide my flaws. And I wouldn't be so afraid of flaws if you didn't convince me that I should be perfect. And I wouldn't resent perfection so much if you made it into something tangible.
I wonder why some people always get shorthanded in life. Why some people have to have families that make them miserable, and parents that do not love them. I wonder why people who are broken the easiest are often put in environments that test their breakability the worst. I wonder why I am one of them.
Yes, my father used to be an alcoholic, and abuser, a womanizer. No, nothing will ever be good enough for him. My father used to cry in front of me. He used to break down and I had to be his emotional support.
Then he married a brick. An unfeeling, cold, selfish woman. Now he feels nothing. Not even enough to offer back the support I handed him with my 9 year old heart that felt too much. My undying compassion for other people was conjured by the very man who asks me to suppress it.
I can't say that I want happiness back, because it's something that I never really had, and any ounce of it that I recieve sends me higher than I know how to handle. It's just that I want to live an entire day without another person asking me to hurt for their grudges. I want to not be looked down upon for the things taht I have achieved just because it's already more than my parents ever have.
I want people to stop asking me what the fuck I'm so afraid of, and I want to be able to understand what it is if they do.
I want to stop being so afraid of life, of living on my own, of doing things on my own, of being responsible, of FAILING. I want to stop being so afraid to be happy. And I don't want to be afraid that it's going to be ripped from my hands the second that I find it. I want to stop this fear of getting too attached to people.
I want to start looking at others and myself positively. (I typed that line without realizing I had typed it) I want to start loving properly without hurting the person I am trying to love so that I secretly don't have to get too close that I can love them as much as I want to love them.
I want stability, only not in the form of dictatorship.
I want to be understood, only not in the form of being judged.
I want to be loved, only not in the form of emotional abuse.
(I would give anything for a hug right now)
I am trying my best to eliminate the people from my life who make me feel badly about myself, but what good is it going to do when I have to live every day under the same roof as people who go out of their way to bring down my self-esteem?
thank you father for pointing out that I wear too much makeup, and thank you step-mother for saying that I look like a container of powder that people dip puffs into, and thank you father for proceeding to run your finger across my face and onto my dark shirt.
I wouldn't wear makeup if I wasn't trying to hide my flaws. And I wouldn't be so afraid of flaws if you didn't convince me that I should be perfect. And I wouldn't resent perfection so much if you made it into something tangible.
I wonder why some people always get shorthanded in life. Why some people have to have families that make them miserable, and parents that do not love them. I wonder why people who are broken the easiest are often put in environments that test their breakability the worst. I wonder why I am one of them.
Yes, my father used to be an alcoholic, and abuser, a womanizer. No, nothing will ever be good enough for him. My father used to cry in front of me. He used to break down and I had to be his emotional support.
Then he married a brick. An unfeeling, cold, selfish woman. Now he feels nothing. Not even enough to offer back the support I handed him with my 9 year old heart that felt too much. My undying compassion for other people was conjured by the very man who asks me to suppress it.
I can't say that I want happiness back, because it's something that I never really had, and any ounce of it that I recieve sends me higher than I know how to handle. It's just that I want to live an entire day without another person asking me to hurt for their grudges. I want to not be looked down upon for the things taht I have achieved just because it's already more than my parents ever have.
I want people to stop asking me what the fuck I'm so afraid of, and I want to be able to understand what it is if they do.
I want to stop being so afraid of life, of living on my own, of doing things on my own, of being responsible, of FAILING. I want to stop being so afraid to be happy. And I don't want to be afraid that it's going to be ripped from my hands the second that I find it. I want to stop this fear of getting too attached to people.
I want to start looking at others and myself positively. (I typed that line without realizing I had typed it) I want to start loving properly without hurting the person I am trying to love so that I secretly don't have to get too close that I can love them as much as I want to love them.
I want stability, only not in the form of dictatorship.
I want to be understood, only not in the form of being judged.
I want to be loved, only not in the form of emotional abuse.
(I would give anything for a hug right now)