Enough
Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Will had heard the explanation his whole life.
Will, honey, your father and I love each other very much. Grown-ups love each other differently than they love their kids. We will always love you, always. And, I love your father but sometimes love just isn’t enough. So, your father and I need to live apart…
I loved Austin and I think he loved me too, but Will, sometimes love isn’t enough to stop two people from breaking up…
Will, grandma Marlena and grandpa Roman loved each other, but sometimes love just isn’t enough so that is why they didn’t stay together…
Will, I love EJ, but sometimes love just isn’t enough…
Will, Rafe and I love each other, but, love just isn’t enough sometimes and we cannot stay together...
Will despised the explanation.
Will loved Sonny; loved him more than he knew was possible to love.
He thought he loved Gabi. He thought he knew what it felt like to kiss someone you love. Or, he thought he could convince himself that it was love.
Then Sonny taught him what real love felt like.
He loved his smile and his laugh. The way his eyes lit up when he had an idea or when he realized Will finally realized Sonny had been teasing him about something all along and Will had fallen for it, again.
He loved the way Sonny loved everyone and always treated others with respect. Even when T was being a douche, Sonny still treated him with respect. Sure, he punched him, but T had it coming and it was a lesson in respect.
He loved the way Sonny would look at him; a look that made Will feel like anything was possible in this world. A look that sent jolts of energy through his whole body and made the tinniest of hairs stand on edge wanting for a touch.
A look that gave Will the courage to allow others to see him for who he was. A look that made Will feel real.
A look his lies took away from him.
Stupid, stupid Will. Always saying the wrong thing. Always making the wrong choice. Always fucking it up somehow.
His grandmother would say he was being too hard on himself. That he was always too hard on himself but Will knew it was true. He was a mess-up and came from a long line of mess-ups. His mother was the queen of poor choices and his father the king. A mistake since the day he was conceived.
A mistake, Sonny even called them that once.
That was why it was so important his little girl have no ties to him. If he was her father, if he said he was her father, then she would just be another mistake and she deserved more than that. She deserved two loving parents and one house with no custody battles and “every-other-weekends” with a bag always packed. He had lived that and he didn’t want that for his little girl.
And, if he told Sonny, then Sonny would make him fight for her. Sonny, honest, loving Sonny would say his little girl needed him and she would be better off with him in her life. Sonny, who had two loving, supportive parents and no fucking clue what it felt like to be the mistake of two mess-ups.
So he allowed Nick to tap into his insecurity and feed him a line of “happy little family” because he wanted that for his child. He wanted her to be a blessing.
But as the weeks went on and the lies became bigger, Will found it harder and harder to swallow. The little voice in his head, the one that was always telling him what an idiot he was and how his child would be better off without him, began to tell him how his little girl would hate him for lying to her. How, one day in the not so distant future, an innocent girl would find out the truth and hate him. Hate him.
The voice kept getting louder and louder, making his whole body ache with the need to tell someone. To tell Sonny and let Sonny help him. But then that same voice told him how he was lying to Sonny and how Sonny would hate him. How everyone would hate him.
How Sonny would look at him again and tell him how loving him was a mistake. And that, that thought took his breath away and make his voice go silent. He couldn’t have Sonny give him that look again, not when Sonny was still giving him the look that meant Will was just as good as Sonny was.
But standing in that church, with all those eyes on him and Gabi marrying a man that just wanted to control her, and in turn his daughter, no, he couldn’t let it continue.
And now, not only was Sonny giving him looks that proved Will was a mistake, sometimes he would not look at Will at all. He wasn't sure which one was better because they both hurt like hell.
Stupid, stupid Will. You just had to prove his mother right, didn’t you?
It was getting harder to breathe, his breath becoming shallower and shallower. He knew he had done it right.
It was better this way. Nick would go back to prison and Gabi would have the support of everyone to help her with the baby.
And Will wouldn't be able to mess up her life.
Looking over the letter with all the proof of Nick's parole violations and then glancing at the empty baggie, once filled with tiny white pills scored off some nice looking man on campus, Will reminded himself this was the best option. With both Will and Nick gone, his little girl would have a chance at a wonderful life. The best gift Will could give her.
Grabbing his phone, Will pushed the send arrow on the text and then laid back on the pillow to rest his eyes.
Sonny, always know that I loved you and everything I did was because of that love. Tell my daughter only the good stories, please. I never deserved you, but you will always be my best memory.
An intense light forced him to open his eyes yet blinded him in the process.
Shielding his eyes from the light, Will looked around and laughed breathlessly.
"Will?" A rough voice broke through the silence and made Will turn to find two bloodshot eyes staring back at him. Tear-stained eyes and a face that had always looked strong but now looked frail in the harsh light of the hospital room. "Thank God, Will."
"Sonny," Will sighed weakly as he laid back on the flat pillow and covered his face with his hands. Stupid, stupid Will. Can't even get your own death right.
"How could you?" Sonny's voice broke with anger as he torn Will's hands away from his face. "I was so scared. I got the text and came over to say I forgave you for....And you were there, just...How could you..."
"Will? Oh, thank God! Will!" Sami pushed open the door and then turned to shout down the hallway, "Lucas, come here!"
Turning away from the light and the concerned looks on the frail faces, Will closed his eyes and wondered if maybe this was hell.
TBC
Will had heard the explanation his whole life.
Will, honey, your father and I love each other very much. Grown-ups love each other differently than they love their kids. We will always love you, always. And, I love your father but sometimes love just isn’t enough. So, your father and I need to live apart…
I loved Austin and I think he loved me too, but Will, sometimes love isn’t enough to stop two people from breaking up…
Will, grandma Marlena and grandpa Roman loved each other, but sometimes love just isn’t enough so that is why they didn’t stay together…
Will, I love EJ, but sometimes love just isn’t enough…
Will, Rafe and I love each other, but, love just isn’t enough sometimes and we cannot stay together...
Will despised the explanation.
Will loved Sonny; loved him more than he knew was possible to love.
He thought he loved Gabi. He thought he knew what it felt like to kiss someone you love. Or, he thought he could convince himself that it was love.
Then Sonny taught him what real love felt like.
He loved his smile and his laugh. The way his eyes lit up when he had an idea or when he realized Will finally realized Sonny had been teasing him about something all along and Will had fallen for it, again.
He loved the way Sonny loved everyone and always treated others with respect. Even when T was being a douche, Sonny still treated him with respect. Sure, he punched him, but T had it coming and it was a lesson in respect.
He loved the way Sonny would look at him; a look that made Will feel like anything was possible in this world. A look that sent jolts of energy through his whole body and made the tinniest of hairs stand on edge wanting for a touch.
A look that gave Will the courage to allow others to see him for who he was. A look that made Will feel real.
A look his lies took away from him.
Stupid, stupid Will. Always saying the wrong thing. Always making the wrong choice. Always fucking it up somehow.
His grandmother would say he was being too hard on himself. That he was always too hard on himself but Will knew it was true. He was a mess-up and came from a long line of mess-ups. His mother was the queen of poor choices and his father the king. A mistake since the day he was conceived.
A mistake, Sonny even called them that once.
That was why it was so important his little girl have no ties to him. If he was her father, if he said he was her father, then she would just be another mistake and she deserved more than that. She deserved two loving parents and one house with no custody battles and “every-other-weekends” with a bag always packed. He had lived that and he didn’t want that for his little girl.
And, if he told Sonny, then Sonny would make him fight for her. Sonny, honest, loving Sonny would say his little girl needed him and she would be better off with him in her life. Sonny, who had two loving, supportive parents and no fucking clue what it felt like to be the mistake of two mess-ups.
So he allowed Nick to tap into his insecurity and feed him a line of “happy little family” because he wanted that for his child. He wanted her to be a blessing.
But as the weeks went on and the lies became bigger, Will found it harder and harder to swallow. The little voice in his head, the one that was always telling him what an idiot he was and how his child would be better off without him, began to tell him how his little girl would hate him for lying to her. How, one day in the not so distant future, an innocent girl would find out the truth and hate him. Hate him.
The voice kept getting louder and louder, making his whole body ache with the need to tell someone. To tell Sonny and let Sonny help him. But then that same voice told him how he was lying to Sonny and how Sonny would hate him. How everyone would hate him.
How Sonny would look at him again and tell him how loving him was a mistake. And that, that thought took his breath away and make his voice go silent. He couldn’t have Sonny give him that look again, not when Sonny was still giving him the look that meant Will was just as good as Sonny was.
But standing in that church, with all those eyes on him and Gabi marrying a man that just wanted to control her, and in turn his daughter, no, he couldn’t let it continue.
And now, not only was Sonny giving him looks that proved Will was a mistake, sometimes he would not look at Will at all. He wasn't sure which one was better because they both hurt like hell.
Stupid, stupid Will. You just had to prove his mother right, didn’t you?
It was getting harder to breathe, his breath becoming shallower and shallower. He knew he had done it right.
It was better this way. Nick would go back to prison and Gabi would have the support of everyone to help her with the baby.
And Will wouldn't be able to mess up her life.
Looking over the letter with all the proof of Nick's parole violations and then glancing at the empty baggie, once filled with tiny white pills scored off some nice looking man on campus, Will reminded himself this was the best option. With both Will and Nick gone, his little girl would have a chance at a wonderful life. The best gift Will could give her.
Grabbing his phone, Will pushed the send arrow on the text and then laid back on the pillow to rest his eyes.
Sonny, always know that I loved you and everything I did was because of that love. Tell my daughter only the good stories, please. I never deserved you, but you will always be my best memory.
An intense light forced him to open his eyes yet blinded him in the process.
Shielding his eyes from the light, Will looked around and laughed breathlessly.
"Will?" A rough voice broke through the silence and made Will turn to find two bloodshot eyes staring back at him. Tear-stained eyes and a face that had always looked strong but now looked frail in the harsh light of the hospital room. "Thank God, Will."
"Sonny," Will sighed weakly as he laid back on the flat pillow and covered his face with his hands. Stupid, stupid Will. Can't even get your own death right.
"How could you?" Sonny's voice broke with anger as he torn Will's hands away from his face. "I was so scared. I got the text and came over to say I forgave you for....And you were there, just...How could you..."
"Will? Oh, thank God! Will!" Sami pushed open the door and then turned to shout down the hallway, "Lucas, come here!"
Turning away from the light and the concerned looks on the frail faces, Will closed his eyes and wondered if maybe this was hell.
TBC