You'd better take a *good* look, because I'm getting two things: pissed off and curious.
Back when i was a kid, my mum smoked. Lots. It made me not like her much. Y'see i was a kid of the 80's, having a sense of what was important about the world, hearing about these nasty things called cigarettes, drugs, communists, greenhouse gases and thatcherites. I gave her little hints to give up but she didn't. As i was going through secondary (high) school my older brother (in a different school) started smoking. I didn't like him much from then on either. I had seen how it affected my mum, from the bad teeth to the stains and smells around the house, and i didn't like the idea of my brother turning out the same way. Nevertheless i supported him, and hid his habit from my parents. I grew older, my parents found out about my brother and pretty much ostracised him for a while. He wouldn't get such a bad reaction from them until they found out about the tattoo.
Anyway as i said, i grew up with an understanding about all these bad things, and had a second hand experiece with one. I had stresses at school but i was never tempted to try something like smoking, even if everyone else was doing it (although back then there weren't many kids doing it, not as many as now.) I get to college, having strugled through what could have been the worst years of my life at school. I thought i only had to endure 2 years at college. However, i and the people around me were now 16 (or older) and i had my first sight of smoking en-masse. It wasn't attractive. The first year at college went badly and the second was... well nothing was living up to expectations. Then, i felt an urge. I saw all these people outside college smoking, looking carefree. I wanted that look. I wanted to be happy, be among people who i had something in common with. I wanted a cigarette. It was around this time that my mum had given up, and my brother had had a few attempts at giving up but failed. I didn't start. I don't know how or why i didn't give into temptation, but i didn't. I didn't feel that way about those people outside college ever again.
University came along and i was constantly annoyed by the smokers getting in my way as i tryed to get in/out of buildings. I was annoyed by all the butts on the ground. It was a national heritage place, for god's sake. It wasn't meant to look that shit. Looking back, i probably never actually felt as bad during college than i did a uni. I had a few people i knew at uni and had fewer family pressures. I was feeling quite sick occasionally from the second hand smoke. Especially when i was seeing those 12 year olds in sidcup smoking, that made me very uneasy. My time at uni was not a time where i ever considered taking up smoking. Around this time i told my brother about my temptation at college. He was surprised but glad i didn't give in. Also around this time i think my parents started believing i had started smoking or doing drugs. It was the in thing among students in those days, but i was (gladly) in the wrong crowd. I was content with life. I have never told them about the temptation.
So what is the point in this flashback, you may ask. Well today i watched a little program on BBC2 about smoking, smokers and related stuff. Now i was never really sickened by those shock ads showing fat coming out of cigarettes, or other related ads. I knew/know all the risks. Heck i was the one who was pretty much having a go at everyone else for smoking. Everyone knew i hated it. Anyway, today i'm watching this program and as they are talking about first puffs, i am once again tempted. I wanted a cigarette again, for the first time in over 5 years. Why? I dont know. Something just clicked in my head as im watching all these smokers talking. I'm agreeing, with them, it aint glamorous but it's their darn choice. It's my choice. I could have run down to tesco right then and there and bought a pack. I havn't. I'm stopping myself. I know the risks but i can feel this temptation in my head to walk to the tobacco counter. I'm lonely. At school i was surrounded by people who hated me. At uni i was surrounded by people who found me acceptable. I'm at a time in my life where i have no direction, no distractions, no ambitions. I know my family will be disapointed, heck i'll be disapointed. I don't want to go to tesco. I don't want to take my first puff. I want something to take my mind off of it. For the moment, all i will have is sleep.
Stay strong :)
Anyway as i said, i grew up with an understanding about all these bad things, and had a second hand experiece with one. I had stresses at school but i was never tempted to try something like smoking, even if everyone else was doing it (although back then there weren't many kids doing it, not as many as now.) I get to college, having strugled through what could have been the worst years of my life at school. I thought i only had to endure 2 years at college. However, i and the people around me were now 16 (or older) and i had my first sight of smoking en-masse. It wasn't attractive. The first year at college went badly and the second was... well nothing was living up to expectations. Then, i felt an urge. I saw all these people outside college smoking, looking carefree. I wanted that look. I wanted to be happy, be among people who i had something in common with. I wanted a cigarette. It was around this time that my mum had given up, and my brother had had a few attempts at giving up but failed. I didn't start. I don't know how or why i didn't give into temptation, but i didn't. I didn't feel that way about those people outside college ever again.
University came along and i was constantly annoyed by the smokers getting in my way as i tryed to get in/out of buildings. I was annoyed by all the butts on the ground. It was a national heritage place, for god's sake. It wasn't meant to look that shit. Looking back, i probably never actually felt as bad during college than i did a uni. I had a few people i knew at uni and had fewer family pressures. I was feeling quite sick occasionally from the second hand smoke. Especially when i was seeing those 12 year olds in sidcup smoking, that made me very uneasy. My time at uni was not a time where i ever considered taking up smoking. Around this time i told my brother about my temptation at college. He was surprised but glad i didn't give in. Also around this time i think my parents started believing i had started smoking or doing drugs. It was the in thing among students in those days, but i was (gladly) in the wrong crowd. I was content with life. I have never told them about the temptation.
So what is the point in this flashback, you may ask. Well today i watched a little program on BBC2 about smoking, smokers and related stuff. Now i was never really sickened by those shock ads showing fat coming out of cigarettes, or other related ads. I knew/know all the risks. Heck i was the one who was pretty much having a go at everyone else for smoking. Everyone knew i hated it. Anyway, today i'm watching this program and as they are talking about first puffs, i am once again tempted. I wanted a cigarette again, for the first time in over 5 years. Why? I dont know. Something just clicked in my head as im watching all these smokers talking. I'm agreeing, with them, it aint glamorous but it's their darn choice. It's my choice. I could have run down to tesco right then and there and bought a pack. I havn't. I'm stopping myself. I know the risks but i can feel this temptation in my head to walk to the tobacco counter. I'm lonely. At school i was surrounded by people who hated me. At uni i was surrounded by people who found me acceptable. I'm at a time in my life where i have no direction, no distractions, no ambitions. I know my family will be disapointed, heck i'll be disapointed. I don't want to go to tesco. I don't want to take my first puff. I want something to take my mind off of it. For the moment, all i will have is sleep.
Stay strong :)